Keep a first-aid kit in your car's glove compartment. It should contain alcohol, cotton balls, Jar-Jar Band-Aids, ChapStick, car-bingo games, cigarettes, parking stubs, and a map of Ohio.
In the event of a decapitation, sit the victim's body in a chair as best you can, balance the head on top of the shoulders, and walk away whistling nonchalantly.
Always keep plenty of gauze around the house in case you invent an invisibility potion.
Nothing revives a stroke victim like an eye-popping orgasam.
If you did all you could and the vicitim still dies, pat him or her down for a Snicker's bar. It's not like you don't deserve one.
If someone you know is seriously injured, crade his or her head in your lap and scream "Why?"
Administering CPR is easy. Just do it like you saw them do on TV that one time.
If a person requires artificial respiration, and you are of the same sex as the person, and no one of the opposite sex is around to performe the procedure, you are gay.
To stop a nosebleed, apply pressure. To start a nosebleed, apply even greater pressure in short repeated bursts.
In the event of accident drug overdose, call Lou Reed immediately.
If the Heimlich maneuver is ineffective on a choking victim, grab his or her throat and force the food into the stomach. If this fails, grab the victim's ankles and swing him or her around in a circle to force the food up.
Make sure your first-aid kit contains a large, frilly Victorian fan to revive fainting victims.
If you are a hideous, disfigured hunchback and you see smoeone who is injuredand unconscious, treat the person. Then, as the person begins to wake up, retreat into hiding. The person will always wonder who saved him or her, and the experience will be poignant and bittersweet.
As a rule of thumb, always ask yourself this question: What would Randolph Mantooth do?
If possible, try to be the guy who tells the victim, "Everything's going to be alright," while others do the actual work.
