Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a
flower shop where the redhead saw her boyfriend buying flowers.
Red sighed and said, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."
The blonde looked quizzically at her and said, "You don't like getting flowers
from your boyfriend?"
The redhead said, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after
giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my
back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"
---
There was a chicken and a horse playing together on a farm one day. The
horse fell into a mud pit and yelled to the chicken to run to the house
and get the farmer. The chicken ran to the house and the farmer was
nowhere to be found. So, it got into the farmer's BMW and pulled the
horse out with it.
The next day the chicken and the horse were playing on the farm again.
This time the chicken fell into the mud pit and yelled to the horse to
get help. So, the horse stood over the mud pit and told the chicken to
grab on to his p*nis and he'd pull him out. The chicken grabbed on and,
indeed, the horse pulled him out.
The moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a
BMW to pick up chicks.
----
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
"What's that?" The first lady asks.
"A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."
"Where did you get it?"
"You can get them at any drugstore."
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all,over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
"Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
good one