GEORGE BUSH IS NOT STUPID CONVENTION
In the light of all the criticism that George Bush is an idiot, the Republicans decide to hold a "George Bush Is Not Stupid" convention. Eighty thousand Republicans meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium.
Trent Lott says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that George Bush is not stupid. So ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce President George Bush."
After the cheers die down. Lott says "Mr. President, we're going to prove to the world once and for all that you are not stupid. So tell us, what is 15 plus 15?"
Bush, after scrunching up his face and concentrating real hard for a moment, declares, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the 80,000 Republicans start cheering, "Give Bush another chance! Give Bush another chance!"
Trent Lott says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place, I guess we can do that." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds of chin-rubbing and grimacing, Bush meekly asks "Ninety?"
Trent Lott is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened.
But then Bush starts pouting, and suddenly the 80,000 Republicans begin to yell and wave their hands, shouting again "Give Bush another chance! Give Bush another chance!"
Lott, unsure whether he's doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"
Bush looks down, counts on his fingers, and after a whole minute, proudly announces "Four."
A moment of total silence, then an electric charge surges through the stadium as pandemonium breaks out.
All 80,000 Republicans jump to their feet.
These GOP partisans start to wave their arms, stomp their feet and create a deafening roar:
"GIVE BUSH ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE BUSH ANOTHER CHANCE!"
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YOU MIGHT BE A REPUBLICAN IF...
You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend."
You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.
You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches."
You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Honey."
You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.
You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."
You use any of these terms to describe your wife: Old ball and chain, little woman, old lady, tax credit...
You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.
You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values."
You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.
You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.
Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.
You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.
You've ever said, "Clean air? Looks clean to me."
You've ever referred to Anita Hill as a "lying bitch" while attending a Bob Packwood fund-raiser.
You spent MLK Day reading "The Bell Curve."
You've ever called education a luxury.
You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.
You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.
You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.
You're afraid of the "liberal media."
You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates...."
You've ever called the National Endowment for the Arts a bunch of pornographers.
You think all artists are gay.
You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."
You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes
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The following are not jokes, just quotes:
IT'S THE PRESIDENT, STUPID! - BUSH QUOTES
"Anyway, I'm so thankful, and so gracious - I'm gracious that my brother Jeb is concerned about the hemisphere as well." -George W. Bush, June 4, 2001
"It's important for young men and women who look at the Nebraska champs to understand that quality of life is more than just blocking shots." -George W. Bush, in remarks to the University of Nebraska women's volleyball team, the 2001 national champions, May 31, 2001
"So on behalf of a well-oiled unit of people who came together to serve something greater than themselves, congratulations." -George W. Bush, in remarks to the University of Nebraska women's volleyball team, the 2001 national champions, May 31, 2001
"If a person doesn't have the capacity that we all want that person to have, I suspect hope is in the far distant future, if at all." -George W. Bush, May 22, 2001
"For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it." -George W. Bush, May 14
"There's no question that the minute I got elected, the storm clouds on the horizon were getting nearly directly overhead." -George W. Bush, May 11, 2001
"But I also made it clear to (Vladimir Putin) that it's important to think beyond the old days of when we had the concept that if we blew each other up, the world would be safe." -George W. Bush, May 1, 2001
"First, we would not accept a treaty that would not have been ratified, nor a treaty that I thought made sense for the country." -George W. Bush, on the Kyoto accord, April 24, 2001
"It's very important for folks to understand that when there's more trade, there's more commerce." -George W. Bush, at the Summit of the Americas in Quebec City, April 21, 2001
"Neither in French nor in English nor in Mexican." -George W. Bush, declining to take reporters' questions during a photo op with Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien, April 21, 2001
"It is time to set aside the old partisan bickering and finger-pointing and name-calling that comes from freeing parents to make different choices for their children." -George W. Bush, on "parental empowerment in education," April 12, 2001
"I think we're making progress. We understand where the power of this country lay. It lays in the hearts and souls of Americans. It must lay in our pocketbooks. It lays in the willingness for people to work hard. But as importantly, it lays in the fact that we've got citizens from all walks of life, all political parties, that are willing to say, I want to love my neighbor. I want to make somebody's life just a little bit better." -George W. Bush, April 11, 2001
"This administration is doing everything we can to end the stalemate in an efficient way. We're making the right decisions to bring the solution to an end." -George W. Bush, April 10, 2001
"It would be helpful if we opened up ANWR (Arctic National Wildlife Refuge). I think it's a mistake not to. And I would urge you all to travel up there and take a look at it, and you can make the determination as to how beautiful that country is." -George W. Bush, at a White House Press conference, March 29, 2001
"I've coined new words, like, misunderstanding and Hispanically." -George W. Bush, speaking at the Radio & Television Correspondents dinner, March 29, 2001
"A lot of times in the rhetoric, people forget the facts. And the facts are that thousands of small businesses - Hispanically owned or otherwise - pay taxes at the highest marginal rate." -George W. Bush, speaking to the Hispanic Chamber of Commerce, March 19, 2001
"But the true threats to stability and peace are these nations that are not very transparent, that hide behind the-that don't let people in to take a look and see what they're up to. They're very kind of authoritarian regimes. The true threat is whether or not one of these people decide, peak of anger, try to hold us hostage, ourselves; the Israelis, for example, to whom we'll defend, offer our defenses; the South Koreans." -George W. Bush, in a media roundtable discussion, March 13, 2001
"I do think we need for a troop to be able to house his family. That's an important part of building morale in the military." -George W. Bush, speaking at Tyndall Air Force Base in Florida, March 12, 2001
"I suspect that had my dad not been president, he'd be asking the same questions: How'd your meeting go with so-and-so? … How did you feel when you stood up in front of the people for the State of the Union Address-state of the budget address, whatever you call it." -George W. Bush, in an interview with the Washington Post, March 9, 2001
"Ann and I will carry out this equivocal message to the world: Markets must be open." -George W. Bush, at the swearing-in ceremony for Secretary of Agriculture Ann Veneman, March 2, 2001
"My pan plays down an unprecedented amount of our national debt." -George W. Bush, in his budget address to Congress, Feb. 27, 2001
"I have said that the sanction regime is like Swiss cheese - that meant that they weren't very effective." -George W. Bush, during a White House press conference, Feb. 22, 2001
"You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.'' -George W. Bush, Feb. 21, 2001
"It's good to see so many friends here in the Rose Garden. This is our first event in this beautiful spot, and it's appropriate we talk about policy that will affect people's lives in a positive way in such a beautiful, beautiful part of our national - really, our national park system, my guess is you would want to call it."-George W. Bush, Feb. 8, 2001
"We're concerned about AIDS inside our White House - make no mistake about it." -George W. Bush, Feb. 7, 2001
"There's no such thing as legacies. At least, there is a legacy, but I'll never see it." -George W. Bush, speaking to Catholic leaders at the White House, Jan. 31, 2001
"I appreciate that question because I, in the state of Texas, had heard a lot of discussion about a faith-based initiative eroding the important bridge between church and state." -George W. Bush, speaking to reporters, Washington, D.C., Jan. 29, 2001
"I am mindful not only of preserving executive powers for myself, but for predecessors as well." -George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 29, 2001
"Then I went for a run with the other dog and just walked. And I started thinking about a lot of things. I was able to - I can't remember what it was. Oh, the inaugural speech, started thinking through that." -George W. Bush, in a pre-inaugural interview with U.S. News & World Report
"Redefining the role of the United States from enablers to keep the peace to enablers to keep the peace from peacekeepers is going to be an assignment." -George W. Bush, Jan. 2001
"I'm hopeful. I know there is a lot of ambition in Washington, obviously. But I hope the ambitious realize that they are more likely to succeed with success as opposed to failure." -George W. Bush, Jan. 2001
"The California crunch really is the result of not enough power-generating plants and then not enough power to power the power of generating plants." -George W. Bush, Jan. 2001
"If he's - the inference is that somehow he thinks slavery is a - is a noble institution I would - I would strongly reject that assumption - that John Ashcroft is a open-minded, inclusive person."-George W. Bush, Jan. 2001
"She's just trying to make sure Anthony gets a good meal - Antonio." -George W. Bush, on Laura Bush inviting Justice Antonin Scalia to dinner at the White House, Jan. 2001
"I want it to be said that the Bush administration was a results-oriented administration, because I believe the results of focusing our attention and energy on teaching children to read and having an education system that's responsive to the child and to the parents, as opposed to mired in a system that refuses to change, will make America what we want it to be - a more literate country and a hopefuller country." -George W. Bush, Jan. 2001
GEORGE BUSH GAFFES - LIKE FATHER LIKE SON
The Economy, Stupid
"We're enjoying sluggish times, and not enjoying them very much." -George Bush Sr., in 1992
"A tax cut is really one of the anecdotes to coming out of an economic illness." -George W. Bush, in Sept. 2000
Mangled Metaphors
"Please don't ask me to do that which I've just said I'm not going to do, because you're burning up time. The meter is running through the sand on you, and I am now filibustering." -George Bush Sr., in 1989
"The senator has got to understand if he's going to have - he can't have it both ways. He can't take the high horse and then claim the low road." -George W. Bush, in Feb. 2000
The Call of the Wild
"If you're worried about caribou, take a look at the arguments that were used about the pipeline. They'd say the caribou would be extinct. You've got to shake them away with a stick. They're all making love lying up against the pipeline and you got thousands of caribou up there." -George Bush Sr., speaking in 1991 about the Alaskan pipeline
"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." -George W. Bush, in Sept. 2000
The Dangers of Microphones
"These, they're very dangerous. They trap you. Especially these furry ones...it's these furry guys that get you in real trouble. They can reach out and listen to something so - keep it respectful here." -George Bush Sr., speaking to Arnold Schwarzenegger in 1991 about the need to be careful when speaking near open microphones
"There's Adam Clymer, major league asshole from the New York Times." -George W. Bush, in Sept. 2000
Linguistic Abilities
"Fluency in English is something that I'm often not accused of." -George Bush Sr., in 1989
"The woman who knew that I had dyslexia - I never interviewed her." -George W. Bush, in Sept. 2000, denying a magazine article's claim that he suffers from dyslexia
Mistake My Wife, Please
"It has been said by some cynic, maybe it was a former president, 'If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog.' Well, we took them literally - that advice - as you know. But I didn't need that because I have Barbara Bush." -George Bush Sr., in 1989
"The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case." -George W. Bush, in Jan. 2000
Anti-Matters of the Heart
"I hope I stand for antibigotry, anti-Semitism, antiracism. This is what drives me." -George Bush Sr., in 1988
"Unfairly but truthfully, our party has been tagged as being against things. Anti-immigrant, for example. And we're not a party of anti-immigrants. Quite the opposite. We're a party that welcomes people." -George W. Bush, in July 2000
Man's Best Friend
"Let me give you a little serious political advice. One single word. Puppies. Worth the points." -George Bush Sr., in 1990
"If the terriers and bariffs are torn down, this economy will grow." -George W. Bush, in Jan. 2000
Political Savvy
"It's no exaggeration to say the undecideds could go one way or another." -George Bush Sr., in 1988
"Listen, Al Gore is a very tough opponent. He is the incumbent. He represents the incumbency. And a challenger is somebody who generally comes from the pack and wins, if you're going to win. And that's where I'm coming from." -George W. Bush, in Sept. 2000
Freudian Slips
"For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex...uh...setbacks." -George Bush Sr., in 1988
"It was just inebriating what Midland was all about then." -George W. Bush, reflecting in 1994 about growing up in Midland, Texas
Combating International Terrorism
"When I need a little advice about Saddam Hussein, I turn to country music." -George Bush Sr., in 1991
"We cannot let terrorists and rogue nations hold this nation hostile or hold our allies hostile.'' -George W. Bush, in Aug. 2000
Riding the Wave of the Future
"High tech is potent, precise, and in the end, unbeatable. The truth is, it reminds a lot of people of the way I pitch horseshoes. Would you believe some of the people? Would you believe our dog? Look, I want to give the high-five symbol to high tech." -George Bush Sr., in 1989
"Will the highways on the Internet become more few?" -George W. Bush, in Jan. 2000
Misguided Imagery
"If a frog had wings, he wouldn't hit his tail on the ground. Too hypothetical." -George Bush Sr., in 1992
"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." -George W. Bush, in Oct.. 2000
Don't Quota Me
"It gets into quota, go into numerical, set numbers for doctors or for, it could go into all kinds of things." -George Bush Sr.
"What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.'' -George W. Bush, in Jan. 2000
Making the Grade
"And let me say in conclusion, thanks for the kids. I learned an awful lot about bathtub toys - about how to work the telephone. One guy knows - several of them know their own phone numbers - preparation to go to the dentist. A lot of things I'd forgotten. So it's been a good day." -George Bush Sr., in 1992
"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?" -George W. Bush, in Jan. 2000
Webster's, to Heck With It
"Those are two hyporhetorical questions." -George Bush Sr., in 1988
"I've got a record, a record that is conservative and a record that is compassionated." -George W. Bush, in March 2000
Poetically Incorrect
"The Democrats want to ram it down my ear in a political victory." -George Bush Sr., in 1991
"We ought to make the pie higher." -George W. Bush, in Feb. 2000
On the Couch
"To kind of suddenly try to get my hair colored, and dance up and down in a miniskirt or do something, you know, show that I've got a lot of jazz out there and drop a bunch of one-liners, I'm running for the president of the United States...I kind of think I'm a scintillating kind of fellow." -George Bush Sr., in 1988
"Actually, I - this may sound a little West Texan to you, but I like it. When I'm talking about - when I'm talking about myself, and when he's talking about myself, all of us are talking about me." -George W. Bush, in May 2000
The Electability Thing
"I don't want to get, you know, here we are close to the election - sounding a knell of overconfidence that I don't feel." -George Bush Sr., in 1988
"I don't know whether I'm going to win or not. I think I am. I do know I'm ready for the job. And, if not, that's just the way it goes." -George W. Bush, in Aug. 2000
Please feel free to add more Republican jokes!
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