What am I supposed to do?!?!?! My dad steps into my room because I wanted to show him something. He notices a plate on the floor, and a couple glasses. I bring them back, and by that time, he's noticed another glass. Now, my room was not very dirty at all. Just a plate and a few glasses. But this launches into a tirade in which he accuses me of having no aspirations. He says I'm sh**, my life is sh** and what I do is sh**. I'll admit, maybe I don't concentrate fully on "school" during conventional hours, but I still get my work done, and I'm working on a schedule to show him when I'll be ready for testing. I don't think what he did was justified. Now I sit here practically in tears... I just wish this wouldn't happen, as it happens far too often nowadays.

i feel for ya man. i know how it is for parents to be assh**** a lot. allways on top of you for everything and overreacting to things they really shouldnt....it sucks, man

my moms live 2000 miles away, and lies to me.
my dad lives 20 miles away, and I never speak to him.
my grandfather has no nerves, and yells about everything, and my poor grandmother has to deal with it all.

All I want most in the entire world is to be accepted by my dad. That's all I want, but there's always something wrong with me. Always. I'm never good enough. I can't begin to explain what my life is like right now! I sometimes just want to give up.

Druidus, I'm truly sorry to hear that you're hurting so much right now. I wish I could provide some comfort. All I can do is give some advice and a different perspective.

It's so ironic that the people who love us (and those we love) can hurt us more than anyone else. Though your dad just tore into you, it sounds like he cares deeply about you and your future. It also sounds like he is overreacting to some minor things that could be overlooked - an easy, but often damaging mistake that's probably fueled by other frustrations.

It sounds like you and your dad need to talk. A serious talk, I mean. Try approaching him at a time when you are both calm and not busy. If you want to improve your relationship with your him, honest communication is key. For it to work, you must be willing to do two things during your conversation: (1) tell him how you feel and what you think without being accusatory or acting blameless, and (2) be willing to listen to his side, even when you are hearing things you may not like.

Be specific about what's bothering you. Also be willing to make some adjustments. And if there is any way you can do it, let him know this:



Good luck, Druidus. You are a bright young man who is very good with words. Though what I'm suggesting is never easy, I think you can manage it gracefully if you try.

Thank you! It's always good to be able to turn to you for support! I'm still pissed, and I probably will be all weekend, but you guys have helped!

You're welcome.

Druidus, there is nothing wrong with you, please don't ever give up. I can't say what is going on with your dad as I don't know your situation but what I can say with certainty is it's not about you but rather about how he deals with his problems. His problems ..not yours. Sometimes people lash out at the ones they love most when instead they should be saying "I love you, but I'm having a bad day".

Unfortunately it might turn out that you might not ever be able to please him and you might have to forge your own way without his approval. This is hard but not impossible. Just be strong and seek out some one to talk to when things feel overwhelming. I hope some of this helps.

Dot

edit: what Permakid said about talking with your dad is probably the best advice. You have to start with open communication.

Do you think it would be a good idea to show him this thread?

Hey I know what you mean sometimes my Dad yells at me for no reason you get so pissed I know. But you can't stay mad 'cause you love him. My Mom is the same way to sometimes, but I know they love me. The thing is my Dad jsut has a attitude sometimes and when he goes off he goes off. But a few hours after he acts all nice I hate that! But he hasnt yelled at me 4 days!

If you think it would help, go for it. But I recommend starting the conversation some other way. Like maybe, "Dad I need to talk with you about something important. Can we talk? Great! I've noticed that lately we haven't been getting along very well. That bothers me a lot because I care about you and I want to fix this."

i was going to suggest it

I have no idea what is a good idea with him. I find I'm not as articulate in my language when I am around him. I feel that he's constantly scrutinizing. Honestly, I doubt I'd be able to get him to listen. He's the type of parent that would deny anything was wrong, right until the bitter end. Give me some ideas on how to start the conversation.

I don't think showing him this thread is a good idea. He may take it the wrong way, that you're trying to make him look like a big jerk. I know that's not what you're trying to do but that may be how he takes it. I think you should approach things the way Permakid suggested.

I also think it would be a good idea to think about some things he has criticized you for before you even talk to him. Try to see if there is some truth to what he is telling you (like you mentioned that maybe you should work harder in school). Ask him for ideas on how you can improve in these areas. That way you can begin the conversation by agreeing with him on some points rather than immediately butting heads. Then, at some point, bring up the fact that his frequent criticism over more minor issues makes you feel like you're never good enough. Perhaps that way, he will see that you are willing to work on things that matter and he might ease up on areas that are less significant.

I know I don't work as I would in a regular school (I'm the first to admit it), but I know I'll still finish the work. I'm already almost ready for the first test for Socials, out of 7. Sometimes, however, I just feel like not working, for some reason. Well, actually, most of the time! I wish I could know what he's thinking! Sometimes, I feel that he truly does hate me, even though I know it not to be the case.

I'm in 10th grade I know what ya mean I do work but most of the time I copy off my cousin or friends. To me it dont matter if I pass NE more

At the risk of sounding too much like a parent - sometimes it's not just about finishing, it's about seeing how far you can go.

I myself used to frequently feel apathetic about school, so I understand. The key for me was to set a schedule for working and stick to it . Also avoid procrastination like the plague! It so often leads to stagnation. Speaking of which, I actually have some things I should be doing right now Sorry I have to go.

Good luck, Druidus, and keep us posted. I'll be happy to help more when I have some time. Don't be shy about asking.

Thanks! I'm about to go and take a relaxing bath with my current book anyway. I will keep you guys posted.

It will matter soon enough...when your cousin and friends have good paying jobs and you don't.

druidis i know how you feel my dad was like that with me for years

Druidus,I was told by both my parents(at the age of 5)that I was an accident and should never have been born...my dad says that because of me being concieved that I ruined his life and career because he had to marry my mum.

They got married 14th Feb 1970.I was born 11th Sep 1970.
To get married on Valentines day in a church you need to book at lease a year in advance,so I did not ruin their lives.

Don't let it get to you and hurt as before you know it you will be out on your own with your own place.

This is something I was told a long time ago,helped me out...hope it does you too.

You can't pick your family...but you can your friends.

Deja Vu, here.
Look if your dad is the way I think he is talking to him is a waste of time. Been there done that. It's more likely to cause problems.
About the only thing you can really do is endure.
Once you're out of the house and have established yourself then your dad will want to actually know you as a person. Until then you're a kid to him. Almost property.
It sucks, I know I lived it.
But finish school.
I dropped out of high school three times. got my GED then it pissed me off because people would treat me like I was stupid. So I went back to school and finally earned my high school diploma. Really through my own ignorance and dealing with my own problems in not always the best of ways, I delayed myself by ten years. At 28 I am just now gaining the opportunity to finally start getting my College Degree. I've read your posts and argued with you. You're smart. go to college while you're young and have fewer responsibilities. Now I have a wife and two kids. I love them more than anything in the world but it is hard to go to college.
Back to your dad, you've lasted this long you can make a few more years.

Druidus,
My Dad lived in Scotland, I live in Australia...I didnt hear from my Dad for 3 yrs and even then it was a "tell Jen i say hi" from the voice talking to my mother...admittedly, as i got older i think he realised he needed to speak to me because i was....quite frankly beginning to hate him. So we started talking more, built up a relationship but that anger at him not being there at all was still there.
Two years ago, he found out he had a tumour wrapped around his jaw. He had it removed, along with a large portion of his jaw and the nerve on the left side of his face.
He was getting better it seemed, then he got sicker with the treatment they gave him to stop it coming back and while i was angry still because of the past, it hurt a lot and i knew he was really sick and i might lose him...about 3 months ago i found out that he had another tumour this time behind his eye....3 weeks ago he died.

what im meaning by this is that at least your Dad cares enough to tell you and try and help u along (strange way of saying it with the s**t's and stuff) but just relaise that your Dad is there for you and you shouldnt hate him you really should cherish the time you spend with him because things can happen and yeah...

im not making much sense here i know but please listen to me when i say that if your dad is yelling at you, tell him to not shout but talk and have a decent convo with ya...then maybe you should sort your feelings out with him, thats the only thing i didnt do with my Dad and its a regret im never going to get rid of.

you can PM me if you wanna talk or something i dont know just dont go hating him dude....
itll all be good in the end i hope for a mate 2!

Hey Druidus

I do not know your situation but what I do know is this. Parents have a habit of making you feel bad even when you get to my age! They do not do this intentionally, sometimes the words come out the wrong way or the Parent has had a bad day etc. Remember Parents are human as well.
Whenever I have got into an argument with my father and he has shouted at me, I have come to realise now that its not because he doesn't like me but because he cares about me and worries for me. Parents are under enormous pressure with worrying about their children. It does not stop once you have turned 18.

Find a time when your Dad is relaxed and maybe as a conversation breaker say to him, 'Dad I noticed you seem a little tense lately, are you okay? Is there anything i can do?' This should be an ice-breaker and then let him know how he has made you feel. This has worked for me in the past.

I would not show him this link. I think that it may make him annoyed that you are talking abut him on the internet for everyone on the planet to see.

Although I doubt you actually hate your father now - this thread is harsh , You are right that no parent has the right to call their children sh** . Sound like you have problems you seriously need to sit down and discuss or else it will just get worse .

Druidus,Being the parent of 3 teenagers,i wanted to add my 2cents worth.....ALOT of times when i bitch at the kids,it actually has nothing to do with them at all....i mean,how important is it that they have left a pile of doritos on the floor anyway?Most of the time it's just stress and frustration.Being a parent is very hard and very stressful,not only do we have kids to care/worry about,we have bills to pay,a house to take care of,a million places we have to go,appointments we have to make,etc.etc.etc.......sometimes all that stress just comes out in the wrong way and at the wrong people.Alot of times we don't realize what we are doing either....I'm not making excuses or saying it's ok to scream at a kid or call one names,i'm just saying we parents are not perfect and we feel the same way you kids do at times.How many of you kids have got mad and called your parents names or screamed at them?It's no different for us,sometimes we "lose"it and do the same.We may not mean what we say,we say it out of anger/frustration.
My advice to you is to pick a good time to talk to your dad,maybe when you're doing something to help,like when you're working on something or getting ready to mow the lawn,or even watching a movie.If you truly can't talk to him,then write him a little note and explain how you're feeling,that has always made a huge impact on me.
Have you ever thought that maybe your dad is going through some things that you're not aware of?Maybe he's under alot of stress emotionally or financially and it's keeping him in an agitated mood.Have you ever asked him if things are ok,that he seems pretty grouchy?Sometimes just asking will bring on a conversation..........

Tess said everthing i was thinking and maybe your dad is just worried about you, scared that you might not be able to make yourself a good life, I know my parents have tried to "motivate" us like that, just never give up on family

Dude that sucks

TheJack

Life is normally not how we would want it to be.
If you had a room full of people and you asked those who are truly happy to put their hands up, it wouldn’t take long to count them.
But saying this life has more good points than bad, if not what are we doing wrong? (Mankind in general).
Life is what you make it. We can let people/family get us down, but what it comes down to is you. Everything that happens to us molds us into who we are going to be. One day you will look back at these times and have a good view of them or bad, depending on how you react to everything now. Do you let these situations lay heavy on your shoulders or do you use them to better yourself, and learn from everything?
In the end you are in charge of your life and destiny - young or old. Follow your dreams and make them reality. Don’t lose the faith – live your dreams.

Glen.

Now this is one the hardest things to learn and apply to life, especially with you being young - so start praticing NOW. Believe me, I'm still learning...

No person or situation causes you to feel any way (happy,sad,mad etc.)
You are in control of your own feelings and no one elses
Its called emotional intelligence - do a search on it
Hope this helps, as those were my intentions

P.S. Never say the word H***,as it puts very negitive vibrations into the surroundings and if you do say it - say cancel (cancel hate )

Dear Druidus:

Good for you reaching out. It appears as though you have had many offering worthy advice, some humor and in general support. Will you allow me to offer a perspective from a parent point of view? I would like to help by sharing a little of what a parent thinks or feels.

First off, calling our children sh** should not be part of our vocabulary. The phrases and words themselves are hurtful and do not go far in trying to convey our messages. We are human however and sometimes we are not as articulate as we should or would like to be. Sometimes the words themselves roll out, out of frustration. Not necessarily an excuse but in a small measure is an explanation. Often after such frustration and knowing that we have said hurtful things we try hard to show a side of ourselves that is more in keeping with how we truly feel. Often this can appear and/ or feel as though we are being phony. At this point we are at least trying and hoping that you as our youths will understand.

Second - The word HATE should not be in the family vocabulary. By this I mean to suggest that the word itself should not be used by our children in direction to ourselves as parents. We as parents should not use the words in our description of our family members, including our children. There is nothing more destructive for both parent and child, than this word alone. Often after this word is used, there is nothing to go back and retrieve.

Third: Being a parent is the hardest job in the world. Being the daughter or son of a parent is also the hardest job in the world.
As a parent we are charged with the responsibility of raising a successful, confident, compassionate, giving, industrious person. We are also charged with the responsibility of ensuring that our child has everything that they need to begin their life. (Whether that life begins at birth or at the age in which the child goes off to begin their life at college, work or in the world). We are charged with the responsibility that our children are healthy - physically, emotionally and financially. As parents we can never again think of ourselves as a single person. Often this means that we lose our own self identity. We must remain un-selfish in our thinking, our actions and our future endeavors. We must provide constant supervision to ensure that our children do not fall to un-healthy actions or to those whom would wish to harm our children. We must be prepared to tackle any problem no matter how small or large. We must do this at a moments notice, whether we are working, sleeping or having found a moment of quiet.
Parents are daily scrutinized by our peers, societal judgements, our own parents and our own feelings of how we are doing as a parent. Often, within the latter, we are the harshest judge on ourselves.
In parenting, we are not allowed to ask for help because that would constitute that we do not know what we are doing. (The reality is that often we don't, we are just doing the best that we can and hoping for the best.)
In parenting we are not allowed self indulgence, lest we be judged as taking away from what our family needs.
With parenting we must be vigilante in our values and what we try and depart to our children. Always hoping that our values are correct.
Our greatest moments of joy are watching our children. Whatever they may be doing. Parents truly do have a great amount of love to share. We want our children to receive all of that love. We also want you to understand what that love means.
If we ask you to clean your room or to keep it clean. Please try and understand that we do this to try and have a somewhat harmonious home. We also do it so that you can learn to understand what it is to take care of something. We also do it because one of our greatest fears is that our peers would think of our child as being a slob, which means that we ourselves are a slob because clearly we have not taught you well.
If we ask you to do your homework or to try and get good grades. We do this to help ensure your place in the ranks of competition that we know is out there. If you have not been educated (especially in these days), your chances of succeeding are doubtful. If you can not succeed in something, then you will feel yourself to be something less than what we know you to be. Do not ever think that we as parents ever believe that our children our less than. If you ever have a chance listen to what people say when asked about their sons or daughters. Most often that parent will tire you with the successes of their children. Most often that parent will tell you of the many accomplishments performed. Most often we are saying he/she is the greatest kid. When was the last time that was said about a parent?

Druidus: Thank you for letting me ramble on. I am sure that you and your Father will learn to understand eachother in the best ways. Just keep trying. You have lots of time. You will each fall many times but you will always get back up. You seem like a youngin (sorry, old Iowan saying) that any parent would be proud to claim. You also seem filled with compassion. Let that be your guide in these times.

My best wishes to you and your family.
Peacelover

Hi Druidus,
You hate your father.....are you religious? I would like to know. What religion are you?

I don't truly "hate" him. He just pisses me off at times. Really pisses me off. As for my religion, I am, as one might guess, a Druid.

A druid, ah....cool.

So, you cool? I think everyone made you feel better, i'm sure they did. The moral here is, to let it go. He pissed you off, so what? shout back and you already lost. Hold in your anger and forgive him, still love him, and you've won....he won't know, but he will.

Druidus , you have been offered as much advice as possible on this subject and it is now getting closed . If any one has helpful advice for Druidus it may be forwarded in a pm.