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Druidus
This is just a prologue to a novel I'm writing. I'd like any input at all, criticisms, praise, ideas, whatever! Also, please note that I have temporarily named the main character "Psi", because that is the Greek letter for "unknown", and I have no idea what to call him. Although "psi" is used elsewhere in the story, it is not in reference to him. Also, if you have any, give me a couple good name suggestions. Here it is:

QUOTE
Prologue

Entering his room, Psi’s first thought was that he should clean up. Looking around, he saw that he had forgotten to clean his room that morning, unfortunately, a common oversight. He knew he would get hell if he didn’t clean it, so he set to work, cleaning the dirty clothes first, and then the garbage, and finally, making his bed.

After scoring two points with the coke can, he sat at his computer and turned it on. Or tried to, at least. It wouldn’t start. He checked to see that it was plugged in, which it was. Figuring it must be a power outage, he flipped the light switch. “Damn, now I can’t even play a game!” He thought, as he stared glumly at the screen.

It didn’t really matter that his room had been dirty. It didn’t really matter at all. Soon, very little would matter. A war had started. The initiator is unknown, even to this day, but the target was the United States. Their plan was, at a glance, to launch micro EMPs into the atmosphere above the U.S.A, and let them float down, finally activating and shutting out all electrical devices. They would be sending out several loads, at regular intervals, as EMPs don’t last long. With all of the enemies electricity gone, they could wipe them out handily.

The fatal mistake they made, however, was to not anticipate the wind. The EMPs now blanketed the world. Only a few, scattered areas still had electrical systems working. The loss of electricity wouldn’t last very long, at most 18 hours, but it was long enough. Long enough for the Dugaari.

The Dugaari are a race of aliens, which had never developed technology, in the sense that we had. They preferred to use their body's innate abilities. Every neural cell within a creature produces an amount of energy, called “Psi”. All creatures that produce it, and have sufficient neural capacity, can use it.

The Dugaari had developed this instead of our technology. In fact, they had gotten to our planet through a series of teleportations, utilizing psi. They had watched us, and waited for the precise time to act, and it had come. Now, they attacked.

Sparing little, they fell upon the humans in waves, using telepathic blasts to confuse the humans, and then using other psi abilities, or just descending upon them and destroying them physically.

Despite the fact that they had developed their mental abilities so far, they hadn’t lost much physically. Standing on average 8” tall, with an impressive muscular build, they could demoralize troops easily in their charges alone. Coupled with their telepathic blasts, the humans fell like flies.

Over night, we went from a population of almost seven billion, to little more then a million. The only places we survived in were the places we had electricity, and even then, it was only a matter of time before we couldn’t hold out anymore.

We had gotten communication back, in time to hear the last words of soldiers around the world. We heard their screams, as they tried to warn the last of us.

All of our petty differences, gone now. All of our great cities, and monuments, gone now.
Druidus
Does no one have any ideas, criticisms or praise? 17 views but not one reply! Anyway, I'm off, and I'll be back in an hour. I better have some replies then, or else I'll smite someone! devil.gif
Dancing_Dumplings
*runs and sticks an aluminum hat on my head* ohhhhhh!! creeepy lol i like it man grin2.gif very good! thumbsup.gif
Druidus
QUOTE
Chapter 1

“Sarge, they’re hear!”, Screamed lieutenant Shayne, after looking at the console. Sergeant Donovan’s squad looked at him anxiously.

It had been hours since they had lost contact with the rest of the world. Their electrical systems had all shut down. They had kept moving and had found a place where the power seemed to work, albeit sporadically. Naturally, communication was their first goal, but what they heard over the radio was not very pleasant.

All they got was reports of losing power, and strange reports. Reports of “aliens” and “monsters”, who attacked without weapons, and yet, still seemed to destroy all opposition. As far as they could tell, these “creatures” were taller then men, had varying colours, although predominantly blue, and seemed to appear out of nowhere. Probably most disconcerting was the fact that they had lost contact with almost every squadron that had reported an encounter. Those that had survived reported massive casualties, and of men going “insane”.

“All right men, we’ve waited hours for this,”, stated Donovan, “and we’re not gonna let a bunch of pansy-*** blue-boys take us down! “Move in, engage, and kick ***!”

The squad bellowed their approval, and grabbed their weapons. Running out the door with the rest of the men, Donovan was plagued by the reports that they had received. “We can’t….. them off!” “Too many of them!” “…must…retreating now!”


*****************


Psi heard the horrible screaming. He heard the cries for mercy, and cries of pain. He had left his house, when he first started hearing them. He was nearing a ridge, looking over the town.

As soon as the first sight entered his eyes and his brain flipped the image, he doubled over and vomited profusely. Strewn all over the town were bodies. Limp, lifeless corpses. Psi started to whimper.

Curling up in a ball, he wept, and finally, was granted a reprieve from horror when sleep overtook him.



*****************


“Alright teams, we’re entering into the EMP field now.”, radioed Donovan, “Soon, we’ll lose all contact. That doesn’t mean we fight blind though. Red, I want you to go in and around to try and flank them. Blue, I want you to initiate skirmish, and retreat at your discretion.” The two teams nodded their assent. “Shayne, you’ll snipe from that ridge, and Jameson, you’ll be his spotter.” Shayne and Jameson grabbed the sniper kits.

“Listen up. I want no one, I repeat, no one, to underestimate these things. We have no idea what they’re capable of, and if they do something unexpected we retreat, and regroup. Do I make myself clear?” Asked Donovan “Yes sir!” the soldiers replied, in unison. “Move out!” Commanded Sergeant Donovan.
Daughter of the Nine Moons
Druidus, you have a great talent for writing. What an excellant story so far. You've got me hooked thumbsup.gif

Dot original.gif
Kryso
You have the ability and you certainly have the skill to be a great writer, and I have enjoyed what you have posted.

Now here comes the bit you asked for - and I know you will say it is a long way from complete and just a raw manuscript – but when a publisher looks at a manuscript the first 5 pages are what sells the book to them. The very first paragraph has to grip them and make them sit up and take notice. Your prolog was great, and captivated ones attention. But you started off with “Psi” wandering around his room? Do we need to know this! If it started straight into the narrative about the war and how it started and how many died it would grasp the attention straight away. But apart from the order of contents the story makes you want to read more.

Look forward to reading more.

Glen
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