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I'm trying to be nice to this woman in lost luggage, and I say, "Excuse me!" And she goes, "Can I help you?" I said, "Yes ma'am. You lost my luggage." She looks me right in the eye, and goes, "Has your plane landed yet?"
I said, "No princess! I'm having an out-of-body experience! I'm just checking on them!" Here's your sign!
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Last year I had a chance to go elk hunting. I got me a nice one, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, "Did you shoot that thing?"
I said, "Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign."
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We're in the process of remodeling our house; we've been doing it for a while now. And we have the painters in, putting sheets up around the furniture, you know? And we have a piano, just a regular, up against the wall piano. One of the painters said to me, "Is that y'all's piano?"
I said, "Nah, that's our coffee table, it just has buckteeth!" Here's your sign!
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A few weeks ago my car broke down on the road. I had it pulled over to the side, and there's just smoke pouring out of the motor. A guy stops to see if I'm all right, but he asks the stupid question. He said, "Car break down?" I said, "Nah, car wanted a cigarette, so I pulled over!" Here's your sign!
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I was in the store the other day, and I'm buying some new pants. I put the pants on the counter to buy them, and the little girl behind the counter goes, "Are you gonna buy those?" I said, "Nope, gonna steal them! I just wanted you to see them before I walked out with them." Here's your sign!
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The car next to me, a guy was standing with a coat hanger in his window, and I *could not stop myself.* I said, "Ya lock your keys in your car?" No! He turns around and looks at me and says, "Nope, just washed it. Gonna hang it up to dry!"
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