Quite simple,tell the funniest joke that you have ever heard or made up.The award for the best will be decided by me and someone else.Can't tell you who though. The award is also unknown. So,tell your #1 joke...

Hmm..... A joke..... I dunno but yeah this should be intresting.

Q: What did the chicken cross the road?

A: Because he needed a drink of water.

Ok I hope this isn't offensive but since i'm a blonde I feel I can tell this joke

There was a blond woman driving past a cornfield. She spotted a young blonde girl in a canoe rowing through the cornfield. She yelled out her window "it's blondes like you who make the rest of us blondes look dumb. If I was wearing my flippers i would dive in and save you!"

"Confucious say: to be GREAT Fisherman, one must be MASTER-baiter..."

lol I have a blonde joke too.

There was a blonde walking down the street and she saw a brunnette standing in the middle of train tracks going. "1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, etc." And the blonde came up and asked what she was doing, the brunette looked at her and asked if she would stand there doing the same thing she was while she went to get a drink, so the blonde stood there going "1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, etc." And then the train comes and hits her. The brunette comes back move her body and goes "2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2,"

Ok, I have another joke my daughter wants me to post.

A man walks into a bar and ordered a round of beers for everyone. The bartender asked "why the celebration?" and the guy said "I just finished a puzzle that said 2-4 years and I finished it in 2 months"

LOL

That one was awesome.

LOL, gross but yet funny.....

I know.It is gross,but funny,and makes sense.

Oh my... -shudders-

Funny huh?

No... not really...

Why not?Is that joke a direct insult to you?Hahahaha. Just kiddin'

can we tell politically incorrect jokes ann/or sex jokes?

they're the only good jokes, if you dont take them too seriously

Sure. Not too much sex stuff though.I do wanna hear really funny jokes though.If it is too vulgar or crude,then just tell me in the PM if you really wanna tell it to me...

Favourite joke huh....ok:

Theres two sausages in a pan. One of them says to the other, "its hot in here isn't it". The other one says "f**k me. A talking sausage!"

a man goes into a pet shop to buy his wife a parrot because she gets really lonely when he goes to work and parrots are talkative. so he is looking at the parrots and they are all really expensive. Suddenly he sees this really nice parrot and it is so much cheaper than all the others, so he asks the pet store guy why this is. and the guy says " he has no legs" and the man says " how does he stay on his perch?" and the guy says " he wraps his pecker around it". So the guy thinks ok, this doesnt matter and buys him and takes him home for his wife. a few weeks, later the man gets home from work and the parrot calls him over to the cage. The man says "yes, what is it?" and the parrot goes" today your wife opened the door to a man and she was only wearing her lacy pyjamas". the man thinks that is would just be a delivery man/post man or something, so he says " and so what?" to the parrot. The parrot then continues, " she took the man upstairs". At this the husband is beginning to get a little suspicious. THe parrot continues "she took off his clothes................. he took off her clothes! and they kissed and went into her bedroom!". the husband is flabbergasted, and asks what happened next. The parrot pauses for a bit and then replies, "I have no idea...." The husband asks him why!. THe parrot pauses again and replies " I got so excited.................. i fell off my perch!" . I learnt that one from my dad! he told it at a family friends wedding! lol, it cracks me up every time. Would love to know what u all think of it!

A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.

"Oscar, what happened to you?", asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering. "I got a ride down here in some guy's moustache and he came down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar.

"Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. "You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?"

So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar - looking more chilled and miserable than before. "Listen," said Oscar, "I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cosy that I dozed right off." "And so?" asked the first flea. "And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's moustache again!"

OMGsh Scar.. that is the winner so far!!! LMAO

Four men were sitting around a conference room table being interviewed for a job. The interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" pointing to the man on his right. The first man replied, "A thought. It pops into your head, there's no forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you, Sir", he asked the second man. "Hmmm... let me see, a blink! It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out on my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there is a light switch, when you flip that switch, way across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on light is the fastest thing I can think of." The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.

Turning to the fourth man, a Newfoundlander, he posed the same question. "After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhoea," said the Newfie.

"What?!' said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh, I can explain," said the Newfie. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I Crapped my pants."

Another Funny one Scar.... but The Flea and the Mustache is still the best... I almost peed' my pants!

did no-one think mine was funny! lol

Little Johnny was at school one day when the teacher decided to give him a little quiz. "Johnny, if 3 birds are sitting on a wire and Farmer Joe shoots off one of the birds, how many birds are left on the wire?" Little Johnny gives it little thought and says, "None."

The teacher, a bit confused says, "No, if there are three birds sitting on a wire and the farmer shoots off one of them," showing Johnny with her fingers, "how many will be left?" Still without much thought, Johnny says, "None."

Now the teacher is just perplexed and asks Little Johnny to explain. "Well, when the farmer shoots his gun all the other birds will fly away!", Johnny explains. The teacher grimaces and says, "Well, it's not technically correct, but I like the way you think."

Little Johnny then pipes up, "Imagine there are three women sitting on a park bench. One is licking a popsicle, one is biting the popsicle and one is sucking the popsicle. Which one is married?"

The teacher just sits there not knowing what to say and just stammers. Little Johnny encourages her, "Come on, one is licking, one is biting, and one is sucking, which one is married?"

Feeling a bit uncertain and uncomfortable the teacher squeezes out, "The one who is sucking the popsicle?" Little Johnny quickly answers, "No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."

Two women friends had gone out for a girl's night out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they need to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, and used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These bloody girls' night out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, `From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'"

Go scar!!!

Funny posts scar. I will defenitely consider you as possibly winning the award.As well as everyone else that submitted a joke.

So,who else?

I did.It was really funny Spooks.

Ahhhh, Scar! My ribs my ribs they hurt! To much laughter!

Okay all done.... So far yours are the best jokes I have ever heard in my life

your mama's so FAT : when she went to the zoo, the elephants threw peanuts at her.

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day.

So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly asked the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died."

"No problem." said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him.

So today I was going to come home too and catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips!

The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me! Well, I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die.

This pissed me off even more, so in a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy DID have a bad day, and it WAS a crime of passion, so he announced, "OK, Sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. "OK. Here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died."

"Sure thing," the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well, of course I fall. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!"

The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell me about the day you died," said the angel. "OK. Picture this," says the man. "I'm naked inside a refrigerator..."

i like that one! that is the best so far, very amusing

ok theres 3 robbers and they die so they go to heaven and the angel says i cant let you into heaven unless u steal 3 fruit and come back to me.so the 1st robber comes with 3 grapes and the angel says stick them up ur @$$ and u cango to heaven he sticks 2 grunts and goes to hell.The second robber comes with 3 apples and the angel says stick em up ur @$$ so he sticks 2 and then laughs hysterically so he says ur goin to hell but why did you laugh?the robber replies cuz i saw bill come back with 3 watermelons!

Your mama is so fat, when she sits on a rainbow skittles pop out

a farmer says to his wife i'm devorcing you, cos ive found another lover.
wife says who is it i demand to meet her.

so the farmer takes his wofe into the feild and stands next to a sheep and says
this is the pig i've been sleeping with.

his wife says thats a sheep you fool not a pig,

Iwas talking to the sheep says the farmer

i got two.


joke 1: Polticians Bill Clinton, John Kerry and George "dubya" Bush were kidnapped by Extremists on their way to a Convention. they were brought to a secret camp encircled by barbed wire fence and a lookout post manned by a guard. one night, they planned to escape. Clinton went first. he crawled all the way to the barbed wire fence, and started to climb it (dont ask me how he did it). midway, he got hit by the barbs and made a faint "ouck" sound. the guard apparently heard it and shouted "Halt! who goes there?". Clinton, the sly dog he is, quickly made the sound " meow, meow!". the Guard then wryly smiles and say, "oh, its the Cat". Keryy, observing Clintons escape, was long faced no more. he retraced Clinton's escape route and did the same thing. almost at the top of the Wire fence, he hit a barb."ouch!" he quietly screamed. "Halt!" said the Guard, "who goes there?". "Meow, meow!" said Kerry in his best cat imitation sound. "oh, its the cat" said the guard. so far, clinton and Kerry made their escape. "Doggone, i can make the escape as easy as those two" said Bush. confidently, he walked to the fence, started to climb it, until his pants hit a barb midway up. " damn!" he murmured. the Guard, hearing the sound, shouted "Halt! who goes there?". Bush,panicking, then said " ITS THE CAT, ITS THE CAT!"


Joke 2:

Clinton, on his last term, knew that Bush was winning the election one way or another. so he told George " ei Dubya, youre going the to win the next election i know, so why not spearhead a project so you could gain faith?". Bush, though of a master plan. He went to Toy's R Us, bought a gazillion of Lego playset, and preceeded to build a Hospital made of Lego for Children. one month has passed, two months, until the project was ongion for two years and still not yet completed. Clinton then calls up Bush and says "Hey George! that Lego thingy of yours is taking damn too long, why is that so?"

Bush then angrily answers " hold on to your horses,Bill, youre one impatient Intern Screwball! so far its been two years, why, the Box up front says 4 years and Above!!!!".

no offense to the President.

honestly, Scar gave the best ones so far. a born Comic.

A Grasshopper hops into a bar and hops onto the stool. He then asks the bartender to give him a shot, and the bartender tells him, "Hey! We got a drink named after you!", and the grasshopper replies, "You got a drink named Steve?"

Without a doubt, all of scar's were hilarious. Especially that one about heaven and the fridge.

Half of you have probably heard this from Pot and it is truly the most terrible joke in the world but....
Quasimodo died and the bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews for the new bell ringer personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had just about decided to call it a day. But just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer’s job.


Incredulously, the bishop blurted out, "But ...you have no arms!"


"No matter," said the man: "Observe!"
And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.
But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window falling to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,
"Bishop, who was this man?" "I don’t know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL."


{WAIT! WAIT! Not through yet}



The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now there’s a word-of-the-day...), the bishop continued his interviews for a new bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch who fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man’s brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop’s cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.
"What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.
"I don’t know his name," sighed the distraught bishop...



“.... But he’s a dead ringer for his brother."

Heard this one from the Edinburgh Festival:

Someone said to me, 'You're American, you should have plastic surgery...'
So I went and I had botox.
The surgeon said, 'That'll be $8000'.

I couldn't even look shocked...

Stan was washing his car one day and low and behold God appeared before him...
Stan requested that he ask Him a few questions...
God said O.K....
Stans first question was...."What is a million years to you?"
God replied..."A million years is like a second to me!"
Stan thought about that for awhile then asked God..."What is a million dollars to you, God?"
God laughed..." A million dollars is like a penny to me!"
Stan turned off the water, looked up at God.."Well, God, could I have a penny?"
God smiled to Stan and said..."You sure can...just give me a second!"