1 Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy
marijuana,
press the hash key..."
2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't
find any.
4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that
he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks
are too high."
5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled
him
in..
6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted,
Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know
you can't, I've cut your arms off".
7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it.
9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
11. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not
unusual."
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's
have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then
checks
his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?
Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"
13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck
up
my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your
oyster, go for it.'
17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my
dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I
think It's Colin.
18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat bastard!"
19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other
one off.
20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice."
21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in
several
places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"
22. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search
and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that
number to climb as digging continues into the night.
