Fast Food
The giraffe toy was definately the best. Roy reminded himself to snag one of the Kiddie Pak toys before he left work. He’d actually amassed quite a collection during his stint at Burger Hut. Stealing toys was his small way of getting back at the vast soulless conglomerate that had the audacity to employ him for barely above minimum wage. At least, that was the way he rationalized it, on some deep level he knew he probably just liked to steal stuff.
He’d been in drive-thru all day, it was slow. Roy was incredibly bored. He had whiled away the stretches between orders by arranging the zoo toys in various sexual positions, until he lost interest in that and gone to simply twiddling his thumbs. Maybe it was time to go ahead and ask for a break. Rose could take over for him, for a few minutes.
Rose was the world’s oldest living human, Roy was sure of it. He kept expecting her to die right there in the middle of her shift. He always relieved when she managed to hold on long enough to make it home.
He called Henry and waited for Rose to lurch her way into the cramped, stuffy drive-thru box. He tried to rearrange the stuffed animals into poses that were at least a little less obscene. The last thing he needed was for Rose to drop dead before he came back. He’d get blamed for that, for sure. Rose finally fumbled into the seat. Roy stuck around just long enough for her to give him a shaky grin and mutter some vague pleasantries. Roy mumbled something meaningless in return, and headed outside, grateful to be away from the old person smell.
He went out front, and found Scott, the Leaky Kon-Tiki Burger Hut mascot already standing outside, smoking a cigarette with his giant foam head sitting next to him. It was a bright and hot summer day.
“God, there’s nobody here,” Roy exclaimed, bumming a cigarette from Scott. “I’ve had maybe eight cars all day.”
“It’s a great day for me, man. Haven’t had anything thrown at me at all.” Scott took a long drag his Camel. “Got hit with a bottle yesterday. If it wasn’t for that giant foam head, I’d have probably had to have stitches.”
“That sucks.” Roy was happy not to be Scott. He may not have to do anything but stand around and wave at people but sometimes the abuse he got was just insane. That, and you know that head had to stink after awhile.
He stood quietly, listening to Scott complain. Roy didn’t really care about how many bottles Scott had had thrown at him. He was a real jerk, and probably had it coming to him anyway. He was just a buzz in the background.
What really interested Roy lay across the street. Taco King, the Mexican chain restaurant that had recently opened. An imposing building, built to look like a day-glo version of an Aztec fortress. It had no drive-thru, and a wait staff came to your seat and took your order. He’d eaten there a few times with his parents. Roy had even put an application in, hoping to get out of the drudgery of the daily routine at Burger Hut. The cheese enchiladas were excellent.
What was even more excellent about Taco King was Ingrid, his waitress the last time his family had been there. He swore he heard angels singing when she’d taken his mother’s order for chicken fajitas. The way she smiled as she spoke, the way her shoulder-length red hair bobbed when she walked. The way her breasts poked up beneath the green polo shirt that was part of her uniform. She’d been in all his dreams since, whether they’d been sex dreams or not.
Surely the people over there took cigarette breaks. He kept watching, waiting for Ingrid to step outside. Maybe they had a break room or something.
“Dave said Rosie’ll drop dead by Tuesday afternoon, next to the fryer.” Scott’s voice broke in, bringing Roy back sharply to reality.
“What’s the pot up to?” Roy asked. A redhead stepped out of Taco King, stealing his attention. It wasn’t Ingrid, this woman was taller, and quite a bit older. He didn’t much care how much was in the pot, he was out of the running already. He’d picked Rose to die last Saturday, in the freezer.
“400 bucks.” Scott said, puffing out a billow of smoke. “The old girl just keeps hanging on.”
Roy chuckled quietly to himself. The things they did for entertainment. He was sure when he got the job at Taco King, he’d have a lot more to do to occupy his time. He chatted with Scott for a few minutes more, never seeing Ingrid. He smoked another cigarette before Robin, the grill girl, finally came out to retrieve him.
The rest of the day went by excrutiatingly uneventfully. The only real point of interest was a fat lady with what could only be a matted clump of hair hanging from her rear view mirror. He thanked god that she hadn’t taken too long to order. The sight made him quite a bit queasy.
When he got home his brother Brian was sitting on the couch, watching Sportscenter. Two empty Mickey’s bottles lay on the end table, he was working on a third.
“What are you doing here?” Roy asked. He started taking off his uniform as soon as he got through the door.
“Girl trouble.” Brian was flipping channels during the commercials.
“Jeez, man. Are you ever not having girl problems?” Roy was now in his underwear, carrying his clothes back to the hamper.
“Not lately,” A big, goofy grin spread over Brian’s face. “You guys need to get some food up in here.”
“There’s leftover lasagna in the fridge.” Roy gestured vaguely in the direction of the kitchen.
“Found it already. This diet thing mom is on is a bunch of bullshit.” Brian had evidently cleaned out everything decent in the kitchen since he’d been there.
“Well, then you’ll just have to suffer, c***-tease.” Roy pulled on a grey pair of work out shorts and plopped down next to Brian. “What’s the malfunction now?”
Brian shut his eyes and made a deep rumbling sound far down in his throat. “She doesn’t think I’m interested in her anymore.”
Roy lit another cigarette, scrounging for an ashtray as he did. “Why are you still with her, man?”
“Because I still remember when I was happy with her.” Brian finished his beer and lifted himself from the Laz-E-Boy. “I’m gonna go take a nap.”
Roy watched him leave, then switched to Munsters reruns as soon as he heard Brian’s old bedroom door close.
The next day at work, Roy took his usual place next to Scott over his break. Scott was conversing with a pair of fifth-grade girls, each of them holding a box of candy bars. Scott was giving them a defiant look.
“Just tell me why I should buy a candy bar from you two.” Scott was glaring at them as if they were planning a robbery.
The taller of the two, a bright-eyed blond, chirped, “We won the State History Day contest, and we’re raising money so we can compete in the Nationals in Washington, D.C.”
“Do I get to go?” Scott quipped.
The two girls looked at one another. “Umm, no, I don’t think we’re allowed,” said the tall one. “Besides, you’re a stranger,” said the smaller.
“Then I really don’t see why I should helo you.” Scott turned them down, lighting a cigarette.
The two girls looked at him like they were going to be sick, turned, and scurried across the street to Taco King. Roy’s eyes followed them, poor things.
They stopped in front of the building, and began anew with an employee standing outside. The woman buying a white-wrapped piece of chocolate, Roy saw, was Ingrid. He saw her smile, and open the heavy wooden door for the two small girls. He watched her watch them go inside, and made up his mind.
As Roy took a step across the street, Scott called out to him. “I know what you’re thinking. Those over there, they don’t truck with the likes of us.”
Roy just gaped at him. Scott pulled on his giant Tiki head and motioned at the neon castle across the street. His voice came muffled from the grinning foam head. “You have to sit down and wait for them to take your order there, they don’t even have a proper drive-thru. Those Taco King people think they’re special, way too good for our kind.”
Roy waved him off and walked away, across the street. Scott shouting after him. “Mark me, Roy Brannigan, you’ll strike out! You’ll strike out badly! She’s beyond your reach, man!”
Ingrid stood there, unwrapping her candy bar, as Roy strode smiling up. Ingrid just looked at him. She obviously had no idea who he was.
This didn’t phase Roy one bit. “Hi!” he said, striding up like he’d known her all his life. “I’m Roy, I met you when I was here with my parents a week or two back. Thought I’d come over and get to know you better.”
“Nice to meet you, Roy.” Ingrid glanced around, checking her exits, just in case this guy was a wierdo. Making sure someone saw her with this blond dude in the green and yellow Burger Hut uniform. Jeez, he smelled like grease and sweat. Did they not have AC over there?
Roy may not have been the sharpest tool in the shed, but he noticed Ingrid glancing nervously up and down the street. “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to freak you out. I just thought after having you take my order last week that it would be cool to get to know you. You seem like such a nice person. Sorry, I’ll leave now, if you like.”
“It’s okay. I’m just not used to being approached by total strangers.” Ingrid was starting to feel a little better.
Well, I’m not a stranger anymore, now am I?” Roy smiled again. “Maybe I’ll come by and say hey when you have more time to talk?”
“Sure.” As long as they met at work, where there were people, Ingrid saw no problem. She watched the blond guy, Roy, trot back across the street to Burger Hut. She’d never eaten there, but she’d heard from some of her coworkers that the people there were ghastly. There was a rumor going around that they’d had a death pool going on one of their elderly employees. Surely not, she thought, that was just inhuman. Nevertheless, she was intrigued by the easy, confident way Roy had just come up and introduced himself, like he’d known her for years. She hated to have to admit it, but she did sort of want him to come back. Just out of curiousity, of course.
Roy, on the other hand, was elated. He felt like he was floating on his way back across the street. He’d finally gotten to talk to Ingrid, and although he thought he probably hadn’t rocked her world, he didn’t do that badly. Not badly at all. He’d already started practising what he was going to say the next time he saw her as he walked through the door back at Burger Hut.
All eyes were on him as he stepped through the side entrance. He got to the zoo toys display before noticing. The shaggy blond cashier, Polly, glared at him. She was the first to speak.
“What the hell was that all about?”
Roy had no clue what that was all about. He just shrugged. “I went to talk to one of the waitresses.” He stepped behind the counter to get back to his station at the drive- thru. The fry cook, Daniel, blocked his path, scowling. Roy gave him a sharp look and squeezed by.
“What’s up with you people?” he asked.
“You know damned well what the problem is.” said Polly. “Fraternizing with the enemy.”
Roy just stood there, his jaw loose, a blank look on his face. “What?”
Scott stepped in, his giant foam head under one arm. “They expect tips over there. They think they’re too good to smile, take orders, and earn an honest hourly wage.”
“They have people who just show you to your seat!” chimed in Polly. “What kind of job is that?”
You are all insane.” stammered Roy. He tried to get to his station a little faster. Even Rose shot him an angry look and a harsh sigh as he relieved her. Roy huffed into the ratty drive-thru chair as Rose shambled out. What did these people have against Taco King? He asked himself. Oh well, that was a question for another time. Right now he had orders to take.
Roy waited a few days to go back, so as no to seem like a stalker. He nearly missed her, she was on her way inside the building. Roy was still afraid to go inside the actual restaurant unless he was eating there. She was digging in her purse for something.
He had an entire spiel planned out, but of course he forgot the whole thing as soon as he saw her. Ingrid couldn’t talk long, she was already running late. He asked her out before he lost his nerve completely. She agreed, lack of smoothness and all. Roy hadn’t planned on her actually accepting, so he had no idea what to do after that. He muttered something encouraging and headed back across the street.
When Roy got back inside Burger Hut, everyone was gathered around a booth in one far corner, looking solemn. His smile faltered, then left completely when he saw his manager, Henry, approach. Henry clapped him on the shoulder, took a deep breath, and said “Rose passed away this morning. We’re all having a moment for her.” Roy took a step back, he’d never known anyone who died before. Henry patted him and went to sit back down.
Roy took a seat between Scott and Ruby. He just stared at the clean white tabletop for a moment, then just asked what was on him mind. “So who won the pot?”
Scott shot his thumb towards Ruby. “She did,” he said. “Ruby said she’d die peacefully in bed, this morning. She nailed it, dead on.”
Ruby just stared straight ahead. “I can’t take the money. God I feel so terrible.”
Scott stuck his hands, sighed, then straightened. He gave Ruby a cautious look. “Can I have it, then?”
Ruby kept staring straight ahead, “Take it, I don’t care.” She never wavered, her eyes were fixed on somewhere far away.
Scott tried to keep looking depressed. “Thank you, I’ll be sure to put it towards a good cause.” He stood up to leave, almost giddy.
A couple days later, Roy got into his banged up Gremlin, racking his brain for some idea of where to take Ingrid. He really should have planned on her saying yes. He found her house easily enough, at least, he hoped it was her house. He sat drumming his hands on the steering wheel, hoping he didn’t make a total fool out of himself. A movie, that would be good. Yes, a movie would be a safe bet. You couldn’t go wrong with a movie. But what movie? He had no idea, he’d just have to wing it.
He got out of his car, adjusted the collar of his green dress shirt, and did his best to compose himself. He ran his hand through his shaggy blond hair once, twice, making sure it was at least partly lying down, and stepped through Ingrid’s front gate. Roy’s palms began to sweat as he climbed the narrow front porch, he nearly turned and fled, thinking he had no chance at all of not looking like a complete and utter buffoon. What if she’d given him the wrong directions, and this wasn’t even really Ingrid’s house? That was embarassment he’d rather avoid.
Roy took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and knocked. One second, two seconds, three seconds, then he heard footsteps. The sound of someone unlatching the deadbolt, then, the front door creaked open. Ingrid bounded out, smiling broadly.
She had her hair down, and was wearing a black t-shirt and a gray ruffled skirt. A warm, liquid feeling spread through Roy, he’d never seen her outside of work before. He was in this now, for better or worse. All he could do was grin stupidly.
“I thought we’d go see ‘the Ballad of Snacky Love’ tonight,” he hoped Ingrid liked comedies.
“Hey, that was written by the guy right here in Tulsa, isn’t it? I’ve been wanting to see that.” She wanted to see it too, that was a good thing. He had no idea it was written by a guy from Tulsa. That was pretty cool.
“Yeah, I’ve been wanting to see it too.” Roy held Ingrid’s door open for her. He could only hope that he remembered how to drive while he had her in his car with him.
Ingrid talked almost the entire ride to the theatre. She seemed to have an opinion on everything, whether she knew anything about the subject or not. Roy tried to get a word in, every once in awhile, but Ingrid would always drown him out. After a bit, he just nodded and said “yeah” whenever she had to stop and take a breath.
“Me and my friend Jenny, we used to watch this show, Jem, did you ever see that? She had this boyfriend, Rio, god,he was such a douchebag! Oh, but Jenny had the hugest crush on him, but she was, like, nine then, so it was totally excuseable.”
Roy had no idea what “Jem” was, but he smiled and nodded all the same. He wondered if she had an “off” button. He was having trouble keeping up.
Ingrid was looking at him strangely. “I’m sorry, am I bothering you? I tend to talk a lot, I know.”
Roy smirked and shook his head, “No, you’re not bugging me at all.” That was only partly true. He liked the way Ingrid went on at length about everything, he hoped that meant she liked him. But he would like to get in a word edgewise.
Ingrid started talking again, and didn’t stop until they got to the Cinemark theatre. The movie wasn’t as funny as Roy thought it would be, and it didn’t have a happy ending. Ingrid did sigh and grab his hand once, towards the end. Roy hoped that was a good sign.
After the movie, Roy didn’t quite know what to do. He lit a cigarette as he and Ingrid got into his car. Ingrid huffed. “Aw, man, do you have to do that?”
Roy was confused. Oh no, she’s one of those militant non-smoker types, he thought. Well, I’m an idiot, and this night’s over. It was fun while it lasted.
Ingrid took both hands and latched onto his arm. “Baaah, it’s okay.” She said giggling, “I’m gonna get you to quit, just so you know.”
Roy had no idea how to respond. He gawped at his cigarette, glanced at Ingrid, then snubbed it out in the ashtray. Ingrid looked on approvingly, and put on her seatbelt.
“So what are your plans?” she asked as they pulled out of the theater parking lot.
“Umm, I don’t know. You wanna go somewhere else?” Roy had no plans, he was lucky he’d made it this far.
Ingrid giggled again. “No, I mean what are you going to do with yourself?”
Roy was confused again. “Huh?” he kept looking straight ahead.
Ingrid punched him, “No, with your life, dumbass!” Roy hoped she didn’t hit people all the time.
He mulled this over for a moment. “I don’t really know. I applied at Taco King last week.”
“Really, that’s it? You want to work at Taco King when you grow up?”
“No, well, I don’t know. I’d like to run my own business one day.”
Ingrid brushed his arm. “What kind of business?”
“I don’t know,” Roy snorted, “a restaurant, maybe. What about you? What do you want to do?”
I’m majoring in oceanography next year.” Ingrid said proudly.
“But there’s no ocean near Oklahoma.” Roy felt he needed to point this out.
“Exactly.” Ingrid looked out her window with a dreamy expression on her face. “Let’s go to your house.” She said it almost absently.
Roy glanced at her, surprised, then shrugged. “Sure, if that’s where you want to go.”
There were no cars in the driveway as Roy and Ingrid pulled up. Roy wondered where everyone had gotten to. He led Ingrid inside, offering her a drink. They sat at the kitchen table, eating sandwiches, drinking Cokes, and talking until early the next morning. The sun was coming up as he took her home.
He got a call from Taco King the next afternoon. They wanted him to come in for an interview at four. Roy was elated. He nearly sped there, he almost didn’t even bother to shower or dress properly. A man in spectacles and a green dress shirt led him to an office in the back of the building. He asked a series of basic questions, why do you want to work for our company, where do you see yourself in two years, and so forth. Roy answered quickly and confidently. When the interview was over, they shook hands, and the man, whose name Roy had already forgotten, said he would be calling sometime during the next week.
Roy was sure he’d gotten the job, so he went ahead and put in his two weeks notice at Burger Hut. Hank shook his head when Roy gave him the news. “Well, I’m sorry to see you go,” he said, clapping Roy on the shoulder. “Where’s this new job of yours, if you don’t mind me asking?”
Roy thumbed in the general direction of the garish building across the street. “Taco King, I’m probably gonna be starting off as a dishwasher.”
An angry grimace momentarily flashed across Hank’s heavy features. “Well, good luck with that, Roy my boy.” He gave him another, not-so-friendly-this-time clout on the arm and headed back to his office.
He had to pass by the fryer on his way back to drive-thru. Ruby rolled her eyes in disgust as he passed. The next few hours went by uneventfully until it came time for him to call for his break. The new kid, Dennis, took his place. He shook his black mop of hair as Roy passed him in the doorway. Even the new kid hated him now. He stopped to get a soda, running the fountain himself to be sure no one spit in it, and headed for the front door. He was about ten feet away when he noticed the commotion going on outside.
Scott was arguing with a man on the outside sidewalk, still wearing the Tiki head. It wobbled back and forth as he gestured wildly at the man, who was also waving his arms and bellowing. Behind the angry, balding man, Roy saw, were the two girls who’d been selling candy a few days before.
Roy decided to have a seat and watch the drama taking place outside. Roy made a broad gesture, then gave the man the finger. The man, red faced and with a vein sticking out in his neck, advanced on Scott, pistoning his pointed finger at Scott’s chest. Scott retreated, until his feet caught together, and he went down, clutching vainly at his giant foam rubber head. Roy burst into laughter.
He still got dirty looks from his coworkers the rest of the day. He didn’t mind so much, he’d be leaving soon enough. Besides, he got a good laugh everytime he saw Scott pacing back and forth and half-heartedly waving at passers-by.
When he got home, Roy called Ingrid. It was her evening off, so he asked if she wanted to come over and rent a movie or two. He’d stolen a tiger zoo toy just for her, he knew how she liked tigers. When Ingrid made it over, he gave it to her, and she was happy to get it. Since Roy’s parents were home, they ordered a couple pizzas. They liked Ingrid immediately.
They waited for the pizza watching movies and talking. One hour faded into another, Roy’s parents took their pizza and headed to their bedroom to watch tv. Roy smoked, but not often, as Ingrid always chided him whenever he lit up. They played a card game, losing interest in the last video. It was a horror movie called Children of the Dead IV, insipid even by horror movie standards. They tried to be as quiet as possible, so not to bother Roy’s parents.
Roy stood up to get the tape out of the vcr. He hit rewind, be kind, he thought to himself. One of these days he thought his family would jet into the twenty-first century and get a dvd player. His dad didn’t see the need for one, as long as the ancient cassette machine still worked, why bother, he’d always say. He also didn’t want to have to repurchase all the titles they had already on vhs.
Roy hit eject, took the tape, and nearly ran into Ingrid as turned around. She was smiling broadly. She tugged on his shirt, pulling him close to her. Roy forgot about the tape as he moved in to kiss her. Ingrid took his hand, leading him back to his bedroom, both making sure not to disturb Roy’s parents in the next room.
Making sure to lock his door, Roy slipped his arms around Ingrid’s waist and kissed her again. She tasted like strawberries, must be the lip gloss, he thought. He hoped he wasn’t drooling on her. Roy buried his face in her hair and went to unfasten her jeans. They moved to the bed. Ingrid groaned softly, she felt like velvet. Roy finally quit thinking.
He woke up badly needing to use the restroom. He had a morning hard-on, and nearly had to lie on top of the toilet to avoid peeing all over the wall. He came back into his room to see Ingrid, lying naked on his bed. She was half out of the blankets, one sock dangling from her foot. He’d nearly forgotten she was there. He smiled, he’d had a very good night.
Roy decided to let Ingrid sleep. He got a bowl of Captain Crunch from the kitchen and sat down to watch some cartoons. At about the third episode of Tom and Jerry, the phone rang. Checking the caller id, he saw that it was Taco King. He smiled and picked up the receiver.
©2005 Michael Brandon Carroll
bump!