Thought it might be a good idea to start a single 'official' thread for posting jokes. If you have a joke to post, feel free to post it here, one joke per post, but try to keep them clean

Feedback on jokes in this thread is also welcome.

I'll start us off with a famous joke which everyone's probably heard before - but here it is again anyway

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Feeling the need for relaxation after the events of "The Red-Headed League", Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson," he said, "look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Sleepily, Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"And what does that tell you?"

Watson pondered this a moment. "Astronomically," he said, "it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."

Taking Holmes's silence as approval, Watson continued with growing confidence, "Theologically I can see that the Lord is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."

He paused, and looked over at the Great Detective. "So, Holmes, what does it tell you?"

Holmes shook his head in disgust. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

good one

I know that one haha it's great!

By the way great idea for a thread! Now we can just have one great big thread to post jokes!

Heres a short one:

Why do men kneel down to propose?

thinking.......... thinking.......... thinking......... thinking......




still thinking about it?
















it's called surrender

Here's one....


What did the blondes left leg say to the right one?


NOTHING!




The never met!

What did the blonde's left leg say to the right one?


Between us we can makes some money!

Ok here's a new well kinda new joke.


3Girls are gonna get executed for a crime.
The sheriff who's gonna shoot them says ok ladies stand in line. So girl number one gets against the wall...any last words says the sheriff? She says Wait EATHQUAKE! So they duck and she runs and escapes! Damn said the sheriff...ok next lady. So the sheriff says ok....any last words? She said look outside TORNADO!!! So the sheriff looks away and she escapes!!
Damn the sheriff said! Ok miss lets get this over with. Any last words? The blonde knew what the others did to escape...so she says..yeah FIRE!!!

I was having trouble with my computer, so I called the computer guy over to my desk. He clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

And he replied, "It was an ID Ten T Error."

"What's an ID Ten T Error, in case I need to fix it again?"

He grinned. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID Ten T Error?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

I wrote: I D 1 0 T



*slaps knee* Wooo what a hoot!

Ok here's a bad joke.
(hope it's ok)
Ok a man walks into a bar. He walks in with a ostrich and a cat. He asks the bartender 1beer for me. He asks ostrich what do you want? Ostrich says beer. He ask cat and you?
CAT says beer, but I'm not payin. So the man bartender says. $6.12 so the man pulls out EXACTLY $6.12.

Next day the the same thing happens again.

So one day he walks in with the ostrich and cat. Instead they all order 2beers each. So the total is $12.24 and once again the cat says IM NOT PAYNING! So the bartender asks How do you always have the exact amound when you come in?

The man says oh when my grandmother died. I got all her belongings in a will. Adn th bartender says lucky you, but how do you always have the exact total when you pay? The man says in here house she had a geenie in a bottle it granted me 3 wishes. The bartender said oh whats those wishes.
The man said A bird with long legs and a tight pussy and every time i have a buy something I'll have the exact change.

And I got 1 for 3. The others came different then I wanted....

Here's another funny question...


OK why is it tht when you blow into your dogs face he don't like that?



But when he gets in the car he sticks his face out the window!

How to Tell the Gender of a Fly
-----------------------------------

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 Males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy cow," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I
wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics , religion, sports,
physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants
me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational!! He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, is insightful. It even watches the footie with him!!! The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst,"
and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie….got down on his knees and began kissing her all over...."

Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"



"Fu*kd if I know…I got an erecti*n and fell off my perch!"

HAHA Love the fly one that's great!

When's the best time to land on the sun?

Night time.

Beethoven joke
------------------
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing

OK hope this one ain't to bad...


One day the Rooster and a very clumsy pussy cat were walking. They were trying to get across town since it just stopped raining. So they had were walking quickly over a bridge before it started raining again since cats don't like to get wet. So the Rooster said hurry before it starts raining again. So they are crossing the bridge and the clumsy cat slips and falls in a puddle. So the rooster can't help, but laugh! So this story goes to prove wherever you see a wet pussy you'll find a happy c***....

THIS SHOULD END ALL 3 BEAR STORIES


Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!", he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!," he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots?

It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time.





I HAVEN'T MADE THE F- - - - - - PORRIDGE YET !!"

Good one Mystic Mog!

Famous Quotes
---------------------------------
Every man should get married some time; after all,happiness is not the only thing in life!!

--Anonymous

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should
be happier than others.

--Oscar Wilde


----------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.

--Scottish Proverb


----------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for
two years.

--Sam Kinison


----------------------------------------------------------------------
A psychiatrist is a person who will give you
expensive answers that your
wife will give you for free.

--Anonymous

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Bachelors know more about women than married men;
if they didn't, they'd
be married too.

--H. L. Mencken


---------------------------------------------------------------------
Men have a better time than women; for one thing,
they marry later; for
another thing, they die earlier.
--H. L. Mencken


----------------------------------------------------------------------
- "A man without a woman is like a fish without a
bicycle."
- U2


----------------------------------------------------------------------
- Marriage is a three-ring circus:
--engagement ring
---wedding ring
---suffering

--Anonymous
---------------------------------------------------------------------
When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows
why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone
wonders why.

--Anonymous
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

--Anonymous
----------------------------------------------------------------------
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
you can be sure of
one thing: either the car is new or the wife.


---------------------------------------------------------------------
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding
her way back to home always.

--Anonymous

----------------------------------------------------------------------
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our
anniversary?" She said,"Somewhere I have never been!" I told her,
"How about the kitchen?"

--Anonymous

------------------------------------------------------------------
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

--Anonymous
-------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours.
That was only for the estimate.

--Anonymous

-------------------------------------------------------------------
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then
the mud fell off.

--Anonymous

---------------------------------------------------------------------
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too
late for the garbage?"
Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in."

--Anonymous

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Badd Teddy recently explained to me why he refuses
to get to married.
He says "the wedding rings look like minature
handcuffs....."

--Anonymous
---------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your
wife yelling at the frontdoor, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course... at least he'll shut up after u
let him in!

--Anonymous

---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly
parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was
diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be
praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did u have to
die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir,
I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this
demonstration of pain in is
more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so? Deeply? A
child? A parent?"The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then
replied "My wife's first husband."

--Anonymous
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband
leaned over, made a wish
and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned
over too much, fell
into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned
for a while but then
smiled " It really works ! "

--Anonymous

A lady tells her husband to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry. Where the hell have you been?" "Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking girl there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!!! You were playing pool again!!!"

Moral of the story:
Always tell your wife the truth. She won't believe you anyway.
At least your conscience is clear.

Nice one AliceCoopersGirl! And further to that joke...

A husband and wife are in a car, driving through an area of countryside (with fields etc.), and have just had a MASSIVE argument which remained unresolved, so there's a "furious silence" between them and they are looking out opposite sides of the car.

The wife suddenly spots some cows in a field, and thinks about a way she can get a sarcastic remark in at her husband.

"Relatives of yours?" she points to the animals in the field and speaks in a careless tone.
"Yes," replies the husband extremely quickly, without faltering. "In-laws..."

haha nice one!

The following is an advertisement from a real-life newspaper, which appeared
four days in a row , the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first
day's mistake.

MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone
948-0707 after 7 PM. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred in R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It
should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask
for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."

WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several
annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad
yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale: R.D. Jones has one
sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 PM. and ask for Mrs.
Kelly who loves with him.

THURSDAY Notice: "I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I
smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I
haven't been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my house
keeper but she quit!"

Sorry but this is kinda clean..

A guy moves into an apartment complex.
He's putting his name on his mailbox when he hears a door open in the
hall.
He glances towards the door and sees a gorgeous woman dressed only in a
bathrobe come out.
He tries not to look at her as she gets her mail, but she engages him in
conversation.
As they talk she turns to look down the hall and her robe opens slightly
and he notices she is wearing only the robe.
They talk a little more, and she says, "Shhh, I think I hear somebody
coming. Could we continue this conversation in my apartment?" He agrees to
this.
As they talk in her apartment, she moves and her robe falls to the floor
and he gets a good eyeful.
She then says, "Now that you've had a good look, what do you think is the
best part of my body?"
He says, "Your ears."
She is downright speechless but finally replies, "My ears? Look at these
breasts, look at this butt, look at my pussy. How can you say my ears?"
He replied, "Remember in the hall when you said you heard somebody
coming?
That was me!"

Very clean indeed!

LOL, one try's...
Any way here is another realy stupid one.....

One day two cows were chatting over the fence between their two fields. The first cow said, "I'm telling you, this mad cow disease is getting pretty scary! I've heard it's spreading so fast that it's already on Farmer Bill's land just down the road!"

The second cow replied, "So what? It doesn't affect us chickens!"

And yet another one

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight
around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a VCR to
place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the
dark saying,

"Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and
froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his
head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score,
then clicked the light back on and began searching for more
valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires,
clear as a bell he heard,

"Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking
for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his
flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot...

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"

The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a 140 pound Rottweiler Jesus."

Yeah that first one defintiely funny to Brits since BSE ran riot here years ago!
Second one great!

There only jokes ElvisHendrx0, there not ment to offend any one in any way..

This didn't come across very well, but I meant that I thought they were really funny!

Soz about that

No problem mate, my fault for jumping the gun...
Now let's get these jokes rolling..

This one is for ElvisHendrx0.

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree.

After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.

After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."....

The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.

Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"

The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold indeed." So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a VERY cold winter?"

"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure, that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely" the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"

In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer products:

1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavored milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids - LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.

9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

10. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

11. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)

12. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)

13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late! You lose!)

14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

15. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to use in outer space?)

17. On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. (Now I'm curious.)

18. On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. (Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)

19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I'm glad they cleared that up.)

20. On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

21. On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

22. On some frozen dinners: SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.

23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: FITS ONE HEAD.

24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine: DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

26. On Nightly sleep aid: WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. (Duh!)

Nice one haha^ I gotta get some more jokes so I can be the funiet guy here! Now I got competition!

Competition begins...

Math Class
---------------
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems

when his teacher picked him to answer a question..

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and

you shot one with your gun, how many would be left ?"

"None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly

away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like

the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If

there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one

licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the

third one sucking her cone, which one is married ?

Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one

sucking the cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring

on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking..

On the 8's
-------------
What is the difference between girls
aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, and 48, 58 and 68?

At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!

Don't mess with women !
------------------------------
A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up." "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

You'll love the answer...

.......

........

.........

........

.........

.........

.........

.........


The wife replied,

"I did... THEY'RE IN UR FISHING BOX............. "

One more...

Two guys were working their little hearts and souls out. Their department was just too busy for staff to be able take flex. But there had to be a way...
One of the two guys suddenly lifted his head. "I know how to get some time off work" the man whispered. "How?" asked the second worker.
Instead of answering, the man quickly looked around. No sign of his
boss. He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and
hoisted himself up. "Look!" he hissed, then swinging his legs over a
metal pipe, hung upside down.

Within seconds, the boss emerged from the Branch Head's office at the
far end of the floor. He saw the guy hanging from the ceiling,
and asked him what on earth he thought he was doing. "I'm a light bulb" answered the guy. "I think you need some time off," barked the boss.
"Get out of here - that's an order - and I don't want to see you back
here for at least another two days! You understand me?" "Yes sir", the guy answered meekly, then jumped down, logged off his computer and left.

The second guy was hot on his heels. "Where do you think you're going?" the boss asked. "Home," he said lightly. "I can't work in the dark."

LMAO, brilliant, there all brill, keep em coming..

maybe i'm just dumb, but the one about the fish and the pajamas went right over my head....

LOL Jesus_Freak, perhpas it's not your day

One-liners off the top of my head:

How do you know your mother-in-law is at the door?
Because the mice hurl themselves on the traps...

What did KFC say when the chicken crossed the road?
"Dammit, we missed one! "

What did George Bush say when the chicken crossed the road?
"The chicken obviously misunderuninterpreted the road as being clear when it was clearly not clear. Clear?"

What has four legs and flies?
A cow. Keep thinking...

If your friend happens to say to you "God, I could murder a bowl of cornflakes right about now," then you should stay well away from her in the future.
Why?
Because she's a serial killer

Well, I sincerely hope they were the worst jokes you've ever read. As I said before, right off the top of my head. And my head isn't exactly Einstein material.
That's my excuse and I'm stickin to it

Well its 20 past 11 at nite here and I need rest.
G'nite all (Brits anyway)

Good night Elvis, enjoyed ya jokes.
So here is another....

Two campers where hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them.

Both campers start running for their lives when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes.

His partner says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!"

His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"...

And another..

Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him.

Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"

"Well," Jake replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, "Is that mule for sale!?"....

Elvis, i don't get this one..

What has four legs and flies?
A cow. Keep thinking...

Please explain, put me out of my misery PLEASE!!!

Sorry i promise this might be the last one for now...

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company.
One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep doo doo now."

Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet.

And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"

Think of an insect that likes smelly things... such as cows.

You might have heard this before.




Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a gernade at you?





A: Pull the pin out and throw it back!

haha nice... but why kill a dumb blonde? that's just mean haha