Conan: Britney Spears had to get rid of her dog because it didn’t get along with her husband Kevin Federline. Apparently he just sat around all day licking himself – the same as the dog.

How Can I?
"How can I stop these other men from following me," Maria asked Tonyo, her boyfriend. Tonyo, showing signs of jealousy, answered: "Act natural."

Too Heavy
"Let me help you," Tonyo addressed a young boy. "Who told you to carry that pail of water? That's too heavy for your age." The boy responded: "It was my uncle who asked me to. He said I should not worry because I would find an old fool to help me carry this."

Noise
"Stop the noise," the speaker told the crowd. Tonyo who was among the listeners yelled, "But you started it!"

Mind
"You are making me lose my mind," Maria told Tonyo. "Really?" Tonyo remarked. "But you should lose your mouth first."

Male or Female
"Is that monkey a male or a female?" Maria asked Tonyo who invited her to Manila Zoo. Annoyed by the question, Tonyo said: "Why are you asking? Would that male monkey be interested in knowing that you are a female?"

Secret
"Can you keep a secret?" Tonyo asked Maria. "Of course," remarked Maria who was shivering in excitement. "So can I," Tonyo said.

Do You Mind?
"You don't mind my smoking, do you?" a passenger in the jeepney asked Tonyo who was seated next to him. "No," Tonyo said. "You don't mind my being sick, do you?"

Confidence
"Do you have the confidence in lending me a thousand pesos?" Tonyo asked Goryo, his kumpadre. "Yes, of course. I have the confidence in you," Goryo said. "But I don't have a thousand pesos."

Ugly
It's another classic Filipino joke that has been told many times again. Dondon and Dina are having a quarrel. At a loss for words to sustain the argument, Dondon cries "Pangit!" Of course, Dina is offended but fights back with the word, "Sinungaling!"

Gloria and Erap
Isang araw, nakasalubong daw ni Gloria si Erap na lasing. Dahil di magkasundo ang dalawa, nauwi ang pagtatagpo sa asaran. Erap: "Pandak! Pandak! Pandak!" Gloria: "Lasing! Lasing! Lasing!" Erap: "Di bale, bukas di na ako lasing, eh ikaw pag gising mo, pandak ka pa rin."

Names
Three men were introduced to a lady. The first man said: "Hi! I'm Peter, but not the saint." The second man said: "I'm Paul, but not the pope." The third man said: "I'm John but not the baptist." After the three men were introduced, the pretty lady said: "Hi to all of you! I'm Mary, but not a virgin."

Father
Three boys were bragging about their fathers. "I have the most famous father," the first boy said. "He is the town engineer." The second boy was not to be outsmarted. "Your father reports to my father. My father is the town mayor," he said. The third boy stood up and said: "Both of your fathers kneel before my father. He is the Parish priest."

Proposed Bill
A new congressman, who used to become an actor, received his baptism of fire at the Plenary Hall. Many of the congressmen who were present were jealous of the popularity of the new congressman. So, when the new solon delivered his first speech, a lot of questions were thrown at him. To the surprise of everyone, the new solon managed to answer all the questions. Finally, someone asked: "How do you differentiate a proposal from a proposed bill?" The newcomer, pausing for a while, stunned everyone when he said: "A proposal is what you say to a GRO while a proposed bill is what she gets afterwards."

Together Finally
Maria is a devout Catholic. She was married with 17 children when her first husband died. Soon, she was married again and had five more children. Her second husband died and later on she followed. At the funeral, a neighbor looked skyward and said: "Finally, they are together." A mourner who was sitting on the front row said: "Excuse me, but what do you mean? Are you referring to Maria's first husband or second husband?" The neighbor answered without turning her head: "I mean her legs."

Where did I come from?
"Nanay, where did I come from?" the pretty seven-year-old daughter asks.
It is a moment of truth for the mother who is not yet prepared for the situation. She takes her into the living room, shows the encyclopedia and several other books, and explains all she thinks her daughter should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproduction. Then they both sit back and smile contentedly. "Does that answer your question?" the mothers asks. "Not really," the little girl says. "My friend Nene said she came from Cebu. I want to know where I came from."

Hearsays
Pedro, an OCW received mails from his neighbors informing him that his wife was playing with fire. So he decided to go home and upon arrival went directly to the municipal judge to file an adultery case against his wife.

Pedro: Honorable Judge, I came here to file a case against my infidel wife.
Judge: What do you mean?
Pedro: She is playing with fire. She got another lover.
Judge: Do you have proof for this?
Pedro: No but that is what I heard from my neighbors.
Judge: Pedro you better go home. Hearsays are not accepted in court.

Upon turning his back, Pedro released some bad air from his stomach and this did not pass without bothering the judge.

Judge: Pedro, you farted inside my courthouse. That is very disrespectful.
Pedro: Judge, you are accusing me. Have you seen it?
Judge: No, but I've heard it.
Pedro: Judge, you better go home and plant camote. Hearsays are not acceptable in court.

Bridge
A group of congressmen were deliberating on a solon's proposal of building a concrete bridge in his district. The other lawmakers showed reluctance over the bill, explaining that money should be spent in building schools instead. To this, the proponent of the bill accused his detractors of not considering the interests of his constituents. The bridge, he said, will promote commerce and trade between localities in his district. He even showed a map and indicated that the entire area will benefit from the project. To show that they are listening to the speaker, the other congressmen took a peek at the map. As they closely scrutinized the map, one solon asked: "There is no river in the area. Where will you build the bridge?" The proponent paused for a while before responding. "That is not a problem. We can build the river as soon as the bridge is completed."

Double Vision
Among Filipinos, it is a common belief that a "duling" or a crosseyed person has double vision. At one time, Tonyo, who is a shrewd passenger, boarded a bus bound for Monumento. Tonyo, judging from the countenance of the kundoktor, concluded that the latter must be "duling". When the konduktor was collecting the fares of the passengers, a smart idea entered Tonyo's mind. The minimum fare at public buses was eight pesos. With the belief that the konduktor had two visions, Tonyo inferred that the coins he would pay would appear double the amount in the eyes of the kundoktor. So instead of paying the minimum fare of eight pesos, Tonyo handed four one-peso coins to the konduktor. Tonyo thought that with four pesos in his hands, the konduktor would count them as eight pesos, since the latter had double vision. But to Tonyo's surprise, the konduktor said "Kulang ang bayad mo, pare." Tonyo, who would not easily give up hope for any of his scheme, engaged the konduktor in a heated discussion. "I think I have paid enough. Didn't I give you eight pesos?" asked Tonyo, without showing hesitation. "Yes, you did. Pero kulang pa rin ang bayad mo," responded the konduktor. "But Why?" asked Tonyo. The konduktor, who began pointing finger at Tonyo, said: "It is only good for one passenger. E yung sa kakambal mo?" Tonyo almost fell out of his seat.

Imagination
Lola Tale was on a bus bound for Manila. The bus was speeding along the North Luzon Tollway in Bulacan when Lola Tale screamed on top of her lungs. "Para," cried Lola Tale. But the bus driver would not stop the bus just because somebody at the back was screaming. Of course, the driver was aware that it is prohibited to park the bus along the tollway. The driver sent his assistant or konduktor to attend to the troubled passenger. "Why were you screaming, lola?" asked the konduktor. "I could not stand it anymore," said Lola Tale. "I have to pee." After controlling his laughter, the konduktor tried to calm the old passenger. Knowing that the bus could not be parked at the tollway and that Manila was just minutes away, the konduktor tried a trick on Lola Tale. "Please, remain seated Lola. It's just your imagination." Lola Tale, showing signs she could not control her system, urged the konduktor to stop the bus. But the konduktor was even more firm and was happily teasing Lola Tale with the words: "It's just your imagination." When all things failed for Lola Tale, her control system also failed. In other words, she peed on the bus. This did not pass without bothering the other passengers, and of course the konduktor. The konduktor immediately confronted Lola Tale who at this time showed signs of relief. "You peed on the bus," remarked the angry konduktor. Lola Tale, without expressing any guilt, responded with the words. "Apo, it's just your imagination."

Morality
In a meeting of the House committee on ethics, a congressman was summoned to respond to accusations that he had shown immoral acts. The chairman of the committee explained that as public officials, they are supposed to uphold morality and set a good example to their constituents. The congressman, whose dignity was in question, said he had not done anything wrong. He claimed that since he was a child, he had been taught all the good manners by his parents. He was about to deliver a long speech about his moral standards when the committee chairman showed him a picture. "It is clearly you who appear with two prostitutes in the picture," said the committee chairman. "The picture shows that you are kissing the two prostitutes. That is unbecoming of a public official." The accused congressman spoke out. "Truly, kissing prostitutes is unbecoming of my position. But I am not guilty of this. You must be mistaken, gentlemen. That picture shows it's the prostitutes who are kissing me."

wtf? what does this mean???

^ lol sorry .. i took it from a Philipino website ..

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.

An American man visits Israel with his family, and his Mother in Law, whom he dislikes passionately.

The Mother in Law, falls ill and dies very quickly from some strange illness, and the American man has to try to sort out some funeral arrangements.

He goes to a local undertakers, and asks what are the options. The Undertaker says.. 'well, we can ship her home to Wisconsin for $1000, or she can have a much cheaper, but just as nice funeral here, in Israel.'

The Man says.. '$1000.. oh well.. i can't afford it, but it's the least i can do..'

Some the Undertaker says, 'so be it.. but may i ask why you declined her burial here..?'

The Man says.. 'Well, as Jesus Christ was buried here, and he was resurrected 3 days later.. With the Mother in Law.. hmm, i just can't take that chance..'

Lol cerberus.

Burned Ear

A guy burned two ears... so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened.

He said, "I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang...so instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear..."

"But how the heck did you burn the other ear?" The doctor asked.

"How do you think I called you people?"

Thats a brilliant joke ACG...

There all brilliant..

Where it says Fred, Put in the name of whoever you don't like, I'll use the name for the joke.
Quasimodo, Aphrodite and Zeus were at a coffee shop talking.
Aphrodite says " I bet I'm the prettiest girl in the world"
Zeus laughs and says "I bet I'm the strongest in the world"
Quasimodo says proudly: " I bet I'm the ugliest person in the world."
The next day, they all ask everyone about their bets and they come back the next day to the same coffee shop.
Aphrodite laughs and says "I'm right", and so does Zeus. Quasimodo looks deppressed and they ask him if his bet was right.
Quasimodo says "I thought I was the ugliest person in the world! Who's this Fred guy?"
It's a stupid joke I know but I sort of like it.

LITTLE BILLY ON....PHILOSOPHY

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little BILLY.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little BILLY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

Actually, MissPirate, that was the first joke posted. But thats OK.

Here's mine:

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

Are you serious? God what's wrong with me?

Here's one I hope nobody posted yet....
[rainbow:6 reasons to never mess with kids]

1. A girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The
teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied,
"Then you ask him".

2.A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

3.One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

4.The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "

5.A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."


6. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

Why I Fired My Secretary...


Last Week Was My Birthday And I Didn't Feel Very Well Waking Up That Morning. I Went Downstairs For Breakfast Hoping My Wife Would Be Pleasant And Say, "Happy Birthday!", And Possibly Have A Present For Me. As It Turned Out, She Barely Said Good Morning, Let Alone "Happy Birthday."


I Thought... Well, That's Marriage For You, But The Kids Will Remember. My Kids Came Into Breakfast And Didn't Say A Word. So When I Left For The Office, I Was Feeling Pretty Low And Somewhat Despondent.


As I Walked Into My Office, My Secretary Jane Said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday!" It Felt A Little Better That At Least Someone Had Remembered. I Worked Until One O'clock And Then Jane Knocked On My Door And Said, "You Know, It's Such A Beautiful Day Outside, And It's Your Birthday, Let's Go Out To Lunch, Just You And Me."


I Said, "Thanks Jane, That's The Greatest Thing I've Heard All Day. Let's Go!" We Went To Lunch. But We Didn't Go Where We Normally Would Go. We Dined Instead At A Little Place With A Private Table. We Had Two Martinis Each And I Enjoyed The Meal Tremendously

On The Way Back To The Office, Jane Said, "You Know, It's Such A Beautiful Day... We Don't Need To Go Back To The Office, Do We?"


I Responded, "I Guess Not. What Do You Have In Mind?"


She Said, "Let's Go To My Apartment."


After Arriving At Her Apartment Jane Turned To Me And Said, "Boss, If You Don't Mind, I'm Going To Step Into The Bedroom For A Moment. I'll Be Right Back."


"Ok." I Nervously Replied.


She Went Into The Bedroom And, After A Couple Of Minutes, She Came Out Carrying A Huge Birthday Cake... Followed By My Wife, Kids, And Dozens Of My Friends And Co-Workers, All Singing "Happy Birthday".


And I Just Sat There...


On The Couch...


Naked.

While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.

"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."

"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?"
They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can."

The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."

The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."

that's funny

> Deathbed Confession
>
> Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil
> by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
>
> Her praying roused him from his slumber; He looked up and his pale
> lips began to move sli
>
> "Becky my darling" he whispered.
>
> "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
>
> He was insistent "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have
> something that I must confess."
>
> "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky,
> "Everything's all right, go to sleep."
>
> "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I .. I slept with your sister,
> your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
>
> "I know, sweetheart;" whispered Becky, "let the poison work."

There was a 15 year old boy from the suburbs who had a crush on a really hot rich girl. So he decided to ask her over to his house. To his joy she accepted.

The boy spent a week getting prepared for the day she would come. He asked his mom about manners and how to be propper. He took four showers a day. And he stopped eating steak and beans, because it wasn't fancy enough. He cleaned up his room and disposed of anything that might not be fancy or proper enough.

Finally the day came.

The boy's heart was in his throat as he answered the door. There she was, the hottest and most popular girl in school. What's more, she brought her little poodle with her. The young man did his best to make her feel comfortable in his humble suburban home.

After about an hour of flirting, the girl decides to show off by playing the boy's piano. She gets up and as she is walking to the piano, the boy experienced a worst nightmare come true.

He had gas.

There it was, snaking its way through his bowels, approaching his butt hole. He had to hold it in...somehow...

But he couldn't hold it for long. This was huge.

Suddenly an idea popped in his head. He should wait until she was playing the piano. She might not notice. If she does, the reputation he had scraped together all these years would be ruined.

She proceeded to begin playing a symphony composed by Beethoven. The boy decided it was now or never. He lifted his leg up just a little and ripped one.

The girl stopped playing, looked up and said "Fido!" She resumed playing.
The boy looked down and noticed the dog sitting by his foot. She thought it was the dog...he might be able to get away with a few more, as more gas was moving through his intestines.

Another one made its way to freedom. The boy prayed she would think it was the dog again. He barely lifted his leg and ripped another one.

The girl stopped playing, looked up and said "Fido!" She smiled and resumed playing.

One more remained...just one more fart...

He was sweating bullets; his heart was in his throat. If he could get by with one more he might have a chance with this girl...

He closed his eyes, said a quick prayer, lifted his leg just a little, and ripped the final (and loudest) fart of the day.


The girl stopped playing, looked up and said "FIDO!!! MOVE OR HE'LL SH*T ON YOU!"

I have one similar to that.

A Lady is in hospital after having a fanny tuck, with three bouquets by her bed. One from her husband saying get well soon, one from the priest with a blessing and a third one from the man in the burns unit thanking her for his new ears.

and I have a few more here.

Animal Big Brother

Three frogs are taking part in animal big brother when they are called to the big brother chair. First one is called in and asked what his name is "Frog" he says, then he is asked what he has been doing he says "Blowing bubbles". Another frog is called in and asked his name "frog frog" he replies and then asked what he was doing "blowing bubbles" he says.
A third frog is called in and asked his name the frog replies, "My name is bubbles"
----------------------------------

Why is a lady like a public toilet?
Soemtimes, available, sometimes engaged and always full of $h*t.
------------------------------------

Three grannies are on a park bench when a flasher runs and flashes his c*ck at them.... Two had a stroke...... the other couldn't reach.
------------------------

Q. What car does Luke Skywalker drive?
A. A toyoda

What did they teddy bear say when he was offered more food?....

......wait for it........





......wait for it........



"No thanks, I'm stuffed!" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited
about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the
wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes
for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

LOL

Once three women were stranded on an island; a redhead, a blonde, and a burnett. (sp) After spending eight harrowing days attempting to fix their stupid motor boat, they decide there is no way of getting off and sit down in the sand, broken and tired.

Miraculously, a genie suddenly appears in front of them. "Who rubbed the lamp?" the blonde asked. "You, idiot, you're sitting on it." said the genie. "Now down to business. I will grant you each one wish before I go back in the stupid lamp."

The women huddle together and decide that they should each wish to be back on the boat dock from where they came from, then they could be off this island for good.

The redhead spoke first. "I wish I was back on the boat dock." Suddenly she disappeared and was back on the boat dock.

Then the burnett. "I wish I was back on the boat dock." She disappeared and reappeared on the boat dock with her redheaded friend.

The blonde was going to wish, but she couldn't because she broke down crying. "Well," said the genie. "Hurry up and make a wish."

With tears in her eyes, lips trembling, the blonde looked up and said quietly, "I wish I had my friends back."

A man walks into a bar.































































Ouch.

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

nice one fox


I never got that one socrates...

I really do love this country, but...

1. Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille.

Dogpile.com


This is onw of the stupidest jokes I ever heard via Dogpile.com.

I am not offended by dumb blonde jokes says the blonde girl who died her hair black. I am not dumb and no longer blonde...


Well this is my last post for the day goodnight at 3:30Am here

Well it is 536am here and I'm just getting started.
I've saved these over the years in a text file on D:/ drive

Soup Ladle

Karl invited his mother over for dinner. During
the meal, his mother eyed his beautiful roommate,
suspicious that there was more than just a "roommate"
situation going on.

Karl saw her staring at Ellen. "I know what you're
thinking, mom, but Ellen and I are just friends."
A week later, Ellen said, "Karl, ever since your
mother came to dinner, I can't find the silver soup
ladle. Surely she wouldn't have taken it, would she?"
"I really don't think so," Karl replied. "I'll write
her a letter to ask, though." He got a sheet of paper,
sat down, and wrote, "Dear Mom, I'm not saying you took
our silver soup ladle, and I'm not saying you didn't
take it. But our soup ladle has been missing ever since
you came to dinner."

A few days later, he received a reply from his mother.

"Dear son, I'm not saying that you're sleeping with
Ellen, and I'm not saying that you're not sleeping with
Ellen. But if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would
have found the soup ladle by now. Love, Mom."
========================================

What does a guy named Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?

===============================

25 YEARS OF MARRIAGE

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th
anniversary.

As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife
asked the husband,

"When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through
your mind?"

The husband replied,

"All I wanted to do was to f*** your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
=================================

"Animals have rights. Animals have rights to garlic, butter and cooking
on both sides." - Ted Nugent

=======================================

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth
was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to
change the bird's attitude by consistently saying polite words, playing soft

music, and anything he could think of to clean up the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John got fed up, and he yelled at the parrot. The bird yelled back.

John shook the parrot, and the bird got angrier and ruder. John threw his
hands up in desperation, grabbed the bird and put it in the
refrigerator freezer. For a few minutes, the parrot squawked and kicked
and screamed, and then suddenly there was quiet.

Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the bird,
John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped
out onto John's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended
you with my rude language and actions. I am truly sorry, and I will do every

thing I can do to correct my rude behavior."

John was stunned at the bird's change in attitude. As he was about to ask
the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird
continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Office Memo

Subject: Merry Christmas


I received this and thought that this shows how far the majority has caved
in to the vocal minorities.

This sums it up. . . . this is what we have become, nothing is simple
anymore! !

December 1st
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
on
December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked
eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols. . . feel free to sing
along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus
to
light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done
at
that time; however, no gift should be over $10.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director



December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We
recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with
Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're
calling it our "Holiday Party. " The same policy applies to employees who
are
celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no
Christmas carols sung.
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director



December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this
request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA
Only, " you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the
gifts
exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is
too much money.
Patty Lewis
Human Researchers Director

December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the
dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are
allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay
men; each will have their table.
Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy
now?

Patty Lewis Human
Racehorses Director



December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

People, people-nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play
Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan, "
there
is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit. "
Patty Lewis
Human Ratraces

December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Vegetarians-I've had it with you people! ! We're going to hold this party
at
Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table
farthest from the "grill of death, " as you put it, and you'll get salad
bar
only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have
feelings,
too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm
hearing
them right now. . . Ha!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday!


December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
from
her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at
the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our
Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full
pay.

Happy Holidays!
Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Washington Post asked readers to take any word
from the
dictionary,
alter
it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter,
and supply a new
definition. Here are some recent winners:

1) Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund,
which lasts
until you
realize it was your money to start with.

2) Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a
hillbilly.

3) Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself
for the
purpose of getting laid.

4) Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very
high.

5) Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of
sarcastic wit and
the person who doesn't get it.

6) Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you
are running
late.
7) Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

8) Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (this one
got extra credit)

9) Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending
off all
these really bad vibes, right? And then, like,
the Earth explodes and
it's like, a serious bummer.

10) Glibido: All talk and no action.

11) Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to
seem smarter
when they come at you rapidly.

And, the pick of the literature:

12) Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an
asshole.
----------------------------------------------

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came
upon a cave. Written across the wall of the cave were the
following symbols, in this order of appearance:

A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David.

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at
least three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of
stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from
all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a
huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they
could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of
their society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said:

"This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family-
oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they
were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they
were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The
next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they
even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high
intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine had hit the
earth, whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea
for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which
means they were evidently Hebrews."

The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled
and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement
with our interpretations." Suddenly a little old man stood up in
the back of the room and said, "Idiots! You are all wrong about
what the writings say. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrew
is not read from left to right, but from right to left. Look
again. ... It now says: "Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That
Woman!"


Subject: ADVICE FROM KIDS


"Never trust a dog to watch your food. "
-Patrick, age 10

"When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid? ' Don't answer. "
-Hannah, age 9

"Never tell your Mom her diet's not working. "
-Michael, age 14

"Stay away from prunes. "
-Randy, age 9

"Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to. "
-Emily, age 10

"When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. "
-Taylia, age 11

"Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school
assignment. "
-Traci, age 14

"A puppy always has bad breath-even after eating a Tic-Tac. "
- Andrew, age 9

"Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time. "
- Kyoyo, age 11

"You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. "
-Amir, age 9

"Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. "
-Kellie, age 11

"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. "
-Naomi, age 15

"Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick. "
-Lauren, age 9

"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. "
-Joel, age 10

"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's on the
phone. "
-Alyesha, age 13

"Never try to baptize a cat. "
-Eileen, age 8

Four Dads went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first
tee while the fourth went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons: The
first man told the others: "My son is a homebuilder and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."
The second man said: "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a
multiline dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new
Mercedes, fully loaded."
The third man, not wanting to be out done, bragged: "My son is a
stockbroker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of
taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons, how is yours doing?"
The fourth man replied: "Well, my son is gay and dances in a gay
bar. I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio.


Jimi Hendrix. The guitar owner pays up the $50.



Another customer walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the

trumpet better than Miles Davis. The trumpet-owner coughs up the $50.



Then Jim, a Scotsman, plonks some bagpipes on the table. The octopus

fumbles with the bagpipes for a minute and then backs off with a confused

look. Ha!" the Scot says. "Can ye nae plae it?"



The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to f ... it as

soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off."









The convict-------------


An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25
years of his life sentence in prison. He escaped, and while on
the run, broke into a house at midnight and tied up a young couple who
had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side
of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the
woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and
left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the
room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy
hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he
left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to
have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it.
Whatever you do, don't fight him or make ! ! ! ! him mad. Our lives depend
on it! Be
strong and I love you. " After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the
half-naked wife replied, "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're
right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck . . .
He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and
asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Here he comes. . . Be
strong and I love you too. " --------------------------


Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with
Nookie Green every week for the last month--Nookie Green seems to be very
popular with my male parishioners, the Priest thinks. He tells the sinner,
"you are forgiven. Go out and Say three Hail Mary's" The priest ask, "Who is
Nookie Green? " "A new woman in the neighborhood, " the sinner replies.
The next morning in Church the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon,
when suddenly a gorgeously tall woman enters. All the men's eyes fall upon
her, and she sits down right in front of the priest. Her dress is green and
way to short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and alter boys gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and
dress, sits with her legs slightly spread apart revealing the lack of
undergarments. The priest turns to the alter boy and ask, "Is that Nookie
Green? " The alter boy's eyes are popping out of his head, as he replies. "NO

FATHER, I THINK IT'S THE REFLECTION OFF HER SHOES"
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions. One
70 year-old says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven at
it takes me 20 minutes to pee".


An 80 year-old says. "My case is worse. I get up at 8 and sit there and
grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement".


The 90 year-old says "At seven I pee like a horse. At eight I crap like a
cow".


"So what's your problem? asked the others.


"I don't wake up until 9".
--------------------------------------------



A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow
$5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for
the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car
is
parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything
checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as

collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde
for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee
of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground
garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest,
which comes to $15.41.


The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business,
and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little
puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a
multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow
$5,000?"


The blonde replies..."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two
weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"


Finally, a smart blonde joke.
-----------------------------

One of the city's top cardiac specialist died. At his funeral, the
coffin was placed in front of a huge mock-up of a heart made up of red
flowers.

When the pastor finished with his sermon, and after everyone said their
good-byes, the large heart opened. The coffin rolled inside and the
heart closed again.

At that moment, one of the mourners burst into a very loud fit of
laughter.

Irritated by his insensitivity, the guy next to him asked. "This is a
Funeral mate, why in the hell are you laughing?"

Trying to hold his laughter for a moment, the man replied, "I was just
thinking about my own funeral, I'm a gynaecologist."

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a quart of
milk, a carton of eggs, some juice, and a package of bacon. As the woman was
placing her items on the belt to check out, a drunk who was standing behind
her watched.

The drunk said, "You must be single."


The woman, a bit startled, looked at her four items on the belt and seeing
nothing particularly unusual about her

selections said, "Well, y'know, that's right. But how on earth did you know
that?"


The drunk said, "Cause you're uglier 'n sh**."
===================================================
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the
recent death of her husband, Earl.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over
with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to
shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden
someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where
the heart would be on a woman.

The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound
to her knee.
=============================================================

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get
there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step
on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all
over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although
they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on
one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter
chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to
spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes
St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly
man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first
woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained
for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.
Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I
wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

============================================

"Ode to the Spell Checker! "

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
============================

Wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on
those little
bottles
of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards. NAIVE

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like
making a peeing
section in a swimming pool?

OK...so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the
"Jags" and the
Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what
does that make the Tennessee Titans ?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that
mean that one
enjoys it?

There are three religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader
of the Christian
faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor
store or at
Hooters


Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a
whack?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy
adultery?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a
broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't
they just stale
bread
to begin with?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,
doesn't it follow
that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,
cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons
debarked, and dry
cleaners depressed?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post
Office? What are
we
supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just
put their pictures
on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them
while they
deliver the mail?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then
what exactly are the
others here for?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

================================

EVER WONDER

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?\Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
=======================================

The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has far too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait til you see the last one!)

George Bush:
When you rearrange the letters: He bugs Gore

Dormitory:
When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room

Evangelist:
When you rearrange the letters: Evil's Agent

Desperation:
When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code:
When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots

Slot Machines:
When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in em

Animosity:
When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity

Mother-in-law:
When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarms:
When you rearrange the letters: Alas! No More Z's

A Decimal Point:
When you rearrange the letters: I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes:
When you rearrange the letters: That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two:
When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one

And for the grand finale:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:

It can be rearranged (With no letters left over, and
using each letter only once) into: TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERN

======================================

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?


I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?


If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?



If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is a fog horn made out of?




I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.


How come you never hear about gruntled employees?


If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?


Ho'kD On foNeX wOrk'D 4 mE

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
"Dam!"

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.


What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree
would kill you?
A pool table.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.

===============================

PINOCCHIO


Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes
complain about splinters when they were having sex.
Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if
he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little
sandpaper on his manhood and Pinocchio skipped away
enlightened A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw
Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him,
"How's the girlfriend?" Pinocchio replied, "Who needs
a girlfriend?"





CINDERELLA


Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked
stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in
the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises
to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go
to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you
must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's
the second condition?" "You must be home by 2a.m. Any
later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed
hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up.
Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up looking
love-struck and very satisfied. "Where have you been?"
demands the! Fairy g godmother. "Your diaphragm was
supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I
met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of
everything." "I know of no prince with that kind of
power! Tell me his name!" "I can't remember,
exactly...Peter Peter, something or other..."



MICKEY MOUSE


Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court
and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your
wife is crazy." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was
crazy, I said she's f***ing Goofy."



DONALD DUCK


Donald went into the local Pharmacy to purchase some
condoms. He took them up to the cashier who asked "
Would you like me to put them on your bill"? Donald
became irate and screamed "What do you think I am a
pervert"?


RED RIDING HOOD


Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods
when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind
a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said, "Red,
I'm going to screw your brains out!" To that, Little
Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket
and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and
said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just
like it says in the book.

=============================

A wonderful Message by George Carlin:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have

taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider

freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more,

but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have

bigger houses and smaller families, more

conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees

but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment,

more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but

less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too

recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get

too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read

too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our

values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate

too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life.

We've added years to life not life to years. We've

been all the way to the moon and back, but have

trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor.

We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've

done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.

We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We

write more, but learn less. We plan more, but

accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to

wait. We build more computers to hold more

information, to produce more copies than ever, but

we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow

digestion, big men and small character, steep

profits and shallow relationships. These are the

days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier

houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick

trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one

night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do

everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a

time when there is much in the showroom window and

nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can

bring this letter to you, and a time when you can

choose either to share this insight, or to just hit

delete.

Remember, spend some time with your loved ones,

because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to

you in awe, because that little person soon will

grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you,

because that is the only treasure you can give with

your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and

your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and

an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep

inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for

someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time

to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we

take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

wow...that's a lot of jokes...

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

********************************************************************

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"

The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."

The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."

A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it........

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope also died.

They arrived at the gates of heaven at the same moment.

They spend the day in orientation, and as they're getting their heavenly vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, like everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer apparel, made of gold thread, and Gucci shoes.

Then, they get to see where they're going to live?.

The Pope gets what everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and the lawyer gets an 18 room mansion with servants and a swimming pool.

At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a Manischewitz kosher TV dinner, and the lawyer receives a fine and tasty meal, served on silver platters.

By this time, the lawyer is beginning to suspect that an error has been made, so he asks one of the angels in charge, "Has there been some kind of mistake? This guy was the Pope, and he gets what everyone else gets, and I'm just a lawyer and I'm getting the finest of everything?"

The angel replied, "No mistake, sir. We've had lots of Popes here, but you're the first lawyer we've ever had."

Three ducks walked into a bar.







"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the
first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of
puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said
Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to
the second duck, "Hi,
and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and
out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck
want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So,
you must be Louie?"








"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is
Puddles."

rotflmao... heard it before, but its still hysterical

Question= How do you get a blone to laught at a joke on a Saturday?






Answer- You tell her the joke on a Sunday.

How do you drown a blonde?


Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of a pool.

A blind man is drinking at a bar it's very quiet. He decides to strike a conversation with the man besides him.

He says "Hey buddy how'd you like to hear a blonde joke?"

The man said with a very mad attitude " Well since your blind I'll warn you Buddy I'm blonde. So is the guy on the other side of you and the whole table behinde you has blonde guys! Are you sure you still want to say that joke punk?"


The blind man says " Nah

I don't want to tell the joke 1,000 times."




GET IT! hahahaha

lol you guys are sick

Three guys walk into a bar.

You'd think the last two would see it.


GET IT?!

Here's a few I've found and heard. Sorry if this sounds a bit racist or offensive but I hear the rudest jokes sometimes.

1. A coloured/black man walks into a pub with a parrot on his shoulder and goes up to the bar. When the bar tender sees the man he says "Thats nice where'd you get it?" The parrot replies "Africa theres loads of them"

2. How do you find a worms a*se? Put it in some flour and wait for it to fart.

3. Three grannies were on a park bench when a flasher came past and flashed his c*ck at them...... two had a stroke....the other couldn't reach.

4. A man says to his wife "I got my olympic condoms today, I'm going to wear the gold one tonight" his wife replies "Can't you come second for a change"

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all
these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid,
so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are
smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is
going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets
down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and
smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living
room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at
the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks
what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him
that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by
painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket
over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the
directions on the paint can and they said....


FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS

David Beckham is on top of the main stand at Old Trafford ready to jump off after a nightmare first half of the Premiership and World Cup campaign. He's lost the World Cup for England by getting himself sent off and everyone and his dog hates him, Posh spice has dumped him for Michael Owen and Man United have put him on the transfer market for ten quid because he's playing rubbish.

As he's about to jump off Father Christmas taps him on the shoulder and asks "Are you OK David?"

David explains how his life is a mess and gets ready to jump!

"STOP!" shouts father Christmas. "I'll grant you any three wishes on the understanding that you do me a favour."

"That would be top!" says Beckham. "Cheers Father Christmas, thank you, thankyou."

So Beckham lists his three wishes which are:

1) In the Argentina match he didn't kick the argy but shoots from the freekick and scores. ENGLAND go on to win the World Cup and he is a National Hero.

2) He marries posh spice and lives in happiness for evermore.

3) He is made best footballer in the world by FIFA and his wages go up to a million a week.

Father Christmas says OK all your wishes are granted. "Oh thank you thank you!!!" says Beckham. "What do I have to do?"

Father Christmas tells Beckham to drop his pants and bend over.

After a brutal rogering, Father Christmas asks Beckham how old he is.

"24" replies Beckham.

"You're a bit old to believe in Father Christmas!!" laughs the fat gay Man City fan.

Here's one....

There's a Canadian, an American, and a European traveling in a boat. The boat sinks. The European and the American get eaten by sharks. One shark comes up to the Canadian and swerves away. The Canadian says " Oh Lord, why did you save me?"
The shark answers " I ate one of you last year and my arse is still burning."

Here's another........

What do call a Canadian Lawyer?

As If.

How come everones stopped posting jokes here?

FEMALE PRAYER
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my
door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Amen.
MALE PRAYER
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor
store and a bass boat.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh**!
Amen

Why is everyone so mean to Canadians? I met some once and they were very nice people.

courtesy: http://www.ebaumsworld.com/index2.shtml

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?" With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.

That was funny merlinhoot!
Here's one more...

This married couple were sitting in a fine
restaurant when the wife looks
over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken
stupor.

The husband asks "I notice you've been watching
that man for some time now.
Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has
been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I
wouldn't think anybody could
celebrate that long."

lol


What's the number one thing not to do with a unicorn? (other than f*** it)


Play leapfrog. OUCH!

I did too .. but doesnt mean you can generalise it for all Canadians.. fact is .. (Typically) The way Canadians are is represented through *what use to be* the popular T.V program- 'South Park' - the characters from this programe as you all probably know are dumb stupid *d*o*s that eat garbage, speak garbage and have annoying accents.

From the two months i spent in Canada last year .. I realised Canadians are very ignorant, they tend to be quite confrontational, they dont seem to have much general knowledge; they only know the things they have been tought at school. They eat *rap.. The most popular dish for them is called 'Poutine' which is basically chips with fattening gravy and lots of cheese. One of the most annoying things about them I found is that .. they have a very poor sense of humour .. Its a bit Comical .. and usually perverted..

Oh yeah .. And their phrases are the most bizzare .. for example 'Bout' means probably.. 'loony' is a term or name, given to a one dollar, and toony .. as for two dollars.. Also .. they call a Couch a 'Chesterfield'.. I can go on .. there are ALOT!

all these jokes r so funny! and i haven't any of them before so they even funnier