very very funny jokes.

Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on.

The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order".

The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order".

The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded.

The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on lawyers".

The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why.

The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their ass and head are interchangeable".

"they call me TATOR SALAD" i like that phrase. from blue comedy central.

"I don't want to be drunk in public! I want to be drunk in a bar!" is another good one from him.

lol hahaha

Newsflash:
It looks like seven times tour winner Lance Armstrong is set to be stripped of victory this year after French authorities found three banned substances in the cyclists hotel room. A spokesperson for the authorities involved said they are shocked at the find.
The world record breaking cyclist, the greatest of his generation, was found with large quantities of toothpaste, shampoo and soap in his suitcase, all of which are outlawed in France.

lol. ^that was good.


Bill Clinton and Senator Hillary Clinton were at a Yankees game. Before the game began a secret service man came up to him and whispered in his ear. Bill Clinton suddenly picked up Hillary and threw her out on the field. The secret service man came running up to him and said, "Mr. President Sir, I think you misunderstood me, I said throw out the first pitch."

Which reminds me...



It was the day after the 2000 Presidential Election. A lone marine was guarding a portion of fence in front of the White House. An old man casually strolled up and said, "I would like to speak with President Clinton."

The marine responded, "Sir, Mr. Clinton no longer resides here, and he is no longer our president.

The man nodded his head, smiled, and walked off.

The very next day, the same old man strolled up to the marine and said, "I would like to speak with President Clinton."

The marine responded, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer the president. He no longer lives here."

The man nodded his head, smiled, and walked off.

The very next day the very same old man strolled up to the marine and said, "I would like to speak with President Clinton."

The marine, by now somewhat agitated, said, "I've told you before, Mr. Clinton is no longer the president, he no longer resides in the White House. You've come here for three days straight, haven't I gotten the point across?"

The man said, "Yes, but I just love hearing you say it."

ha ha ha ha lol

YOU MIGHT BE A REPUBLICAN IF...

* You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
* You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend."
* You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
* You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.
* You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of b*****s."
* You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Honey."
* You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.
* You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."
* You use any of these terms to describe your wife: Old ball and chain, little woman, old lady, tax credit...
* You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.
* You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values."
* You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.
* You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.
* Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.
* You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.
* You've ever said, "Clean air? Looks clean to me."
* You've ever referred to Anita Hill as a "lying b****" while attending a Bob Packwood fund-raiser.
* You spent MLK Day reading "The Bell Curve."
* You've ever called education a luxury.
* You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.
* You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.
* You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.
* You're afraid of the "liberal media."
* You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates...."
* You've ever called the National Endowment for the Arts a bunch of pornographers.
* You think all artists are gay.
* You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."
* You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

HOW TO BE A GOOD REPUBLICAN



1. You have to believe that the nation's current 8-year prosperity was due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but yesterday's gasoline prices are all Clinton's fault.

2. You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.

3. You have to be against all government programs, but expect Social Security checks on time.

4. You have to believe that AIDS victims deserve their disease, but smokers with lung cancer and overweight individuals with heart disease don't deserve theirs.

5. You have to appreciate the power rush that comes with sporting a gun.

6. You have to believe everything Rush Limbaugh says.

7. You have to believe that the agricultural, restaurant, housing and hotel industries can survive without immigrant labor.

8. You have to believe God hates homosexuality, but loves the death penalty.

9. You have to believe society is color-blind and growing up black in America doesn't diminish your opportunities, but you still won't vote for Alan Keyes.

10. You have to believe that pollution is OK as long as it makes a profit.

11. You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha.

12. You have to believe Newt Gingrich and Henry Hyde were really faithful husbands.

13. You have to believe speaking a few Spanish phrases makes you instantly popular in the barrio.

14. You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.

15. You have to be against government interference in business, until your oil company, corporation or Savings and Loan is about to go broke and you beg for a government bail out.

16. You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and, by the way, Jesus shares your hatred for AIDS victims, homosexuals, and President Clinton.

17. You have to believe government has nothing to do with providing police protection, national defense, and building roads.

18. You have to believe a poor, minority student with a disciplinary history and failing grades will be admitted into an elite private school with a $1,000 voucher.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A young teenage girl was about to finish her first year of college. She considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat but her father was a rather staunch Republican.

One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition to taxes and welfare programs. He stopped her and asked her how she was doing in school.

She answered that she had a 4.0 GPA but it was really tough. She had to study all the time, never had time to go out and party. She didn't have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have many college friends because of spending all her time studying.

He asked, "How is your friend Mary." She replied that Mary was barely getting by. She had a 2.0 GPA, never studied, but was very popular on campus, went to all the parties all the time. Why she often didn't show up for classes because she was hung over.

Dad then asked his daughter why she didn't go to the Dean's office and ask why she couldn't take 1.0 off her 4.0 and give it to her friend who only had a 2.0. That way they would both have a 3.0 GPA.

The daughter angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair, I worked really hard for mine and Mary has done nothing".

The father slowly smiled and said, "Welcome to the Republican Party".

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Must I go on? Silly republicans ^^

^must get revenge




YOU MIGHT BE A DEMOCRAT IF...



* You feel Fidelity means not cheating on your mistress.

* You think that pornography corrupts women, but find nothing wrong with a 50 year old president seducing a 21 year old intern.

* You cry every May 4th over the four people killed at Kent State, but have never been to the Vietnam Memorial.

* Along the same lines, "Four Dead in OHIO" by Neil Young gives you goosebumps, but "19" by Paul Hardcastle means nothing to you.

* You say shows like "Leave It to Beaver" are out of touch with America today, while you flip to your soap opera.

* You know of the stockpile of biological weapons in Iraq, but think that the US is wrong for not signing the land mines treaty.

* You want to know why we don't offer schooling in prisons (hey, isn't that what public schools are for).

* You think those stupid ribbons actually accomplish something.

* You tout the NAACP, but criticize anyone referring to a black man as a "colored person."

* You think a mother has a right to kill an innocent 5 month fetus because her pregnancy would interfere with her career, but feel we shouldn't put to death the man who raped and murdered 14 women.

* You feel that banning smoking in public indoor places limits your constitutional rights.

* You feel that being convicted of treason is an infringement on your first amendment rights.

* You honestly feel that alcoholics deserve social security disability benefits.

* You outwardly said "I would have voted for Elizabeth Dole" knowing darn well you wouldn't have because she is a Republican.

* You think it is ok for a President to commit perjury on his sex life, but criticize Dan Quayle for spelling potato/potatoe wrong.

* You stood on a soapbox demanding that Anita Hill be heard, but want Paula Jones' accusations to be swept under the rug.

* You think the guy who drops out of High School and builds your jeep deserves more money than the doctor who went to college for 10 years and saves your kids life.

* You sang along to "Give Peace a Chance" during the Gulf War.

* You've filed for unemployment within two weeks of getting out of high school.

* You went to Woodstock II and felt that it was a significant historical event, changing the way our country thinks.

* You own something that says, "Dukakis for President," and still display it.

* You've tried to argue in favor of anything based on, "Well, they're gonna do it anyway so..."

* You've ever said, "We really should call the ACLU about this."

* You believe that a few hundred loggers can find another career, but the defenseless spotted owl must live in its preferred tree.

* You ever based an argument on the phrase, "But they can afford a tax hike because..."

* You've ever argued that with just one more year of welfare that person will turn it around and get off drugs.

* You think Lennon was a brilliant social commentator.

* You keep count of how many people you know in each racial or ethnic category.

* You believe our government must do it because everyone in Europe does.

* After looking at your pay stub you can still say, "America is undertaxed."

LoL nice one, but that by nowhere close got me back

The Two Biggest Symbols of the Republican Party:
-An Elephant
-A big fat white guy who is afraid of change and steals money from the public while contributing nothing to society.

^That wasn't funny.

There are three priests who are sworn to silence, but before they were sworn, they all agree to be able to say one thing every 3 years. So one day, while the three of them sat at the kitchen table, eating their standard breakfast of oatmeal, one of them says,"I'm so sick of this oatmeal." Another one replies "Well I actually quite enjoy oatmal." Suddenly the last one slams his fists on the table and stands up and screams,"I am so tired of you two constantly bickering about oatmeal!"

Lol


Which reminds me...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once a man joined a monastery, on which the monks could only say two words every five years.

After the first five years, the abbot said to the monk "It's been five years. What two words would you like to say?"

The monk responded, "Bad food."

Five more years passed, and the abbot said to the monk "It's been five more years. Do you have anything to say?"

The monk said, "Hard bed."

Five more years passed. The abbot said to the monk, "It's been five more years. You can say two words. What are they?"

The monk said, "I quit."

The abbot responded, "Well I thought you would. All you ever did was complain."

THREE MEN WERE SITTING BEHIND A COUPLE OF NUNS AT A BASEBALL GAME (WHOSE HABITS PARTIALLY BLOCKED THE VIEW).

THE THREE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS IN AN EFFORT TO GET THEM TO MOVE.

IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, "I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH, THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE."

THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA, THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE."

THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO, THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE."

ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET, CALM VOICE SAID, "WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL .. THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE."

This guy walks into a bar and theres a sign above the drinks list that says:

Sandwiches - $3.00
Handjobs - $10.00

The man, a little startled by the sign strolls up and calmly asks the attractive waitress in front of him "Are you the girl who gives the handjobs?" The waitress replied "Why yes I am" The man after hearing said "Oh...Well could you go wash your hands. I'd like a sandwich"

Also, what comes after 69?


Mouthwash

The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he said he didn''''t want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.

Finally, when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold.

"No," the inmate said, "just get it over with."

"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard. "You didn''''t even want a special last meal!"

The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."

The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.

The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."

Ok, A guy walks into a bar, the other one ducks.


Think about it and it will be funny

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists -
two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her." The first man
said."You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent replies, "Then you’re
not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room.
All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes.
"I tried, but I can’t kill my wife." The agent replies, "You don’t have what it takes.
Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun
and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming,
crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly
and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys
didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.

And you thought us cops had no sense of humor...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The following were taken from actual police car videos around the country.

> Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out
after you wear them awhile.

> Take your hands off the car, or I'll make your birth certificate a
worthless document.

> If you run, you'll go to jail tired.

> Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know,
that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun.

> So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write
anything I want on the ticket, huh?

> Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will
help. Did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?

> Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or
I'll give you another ticket.

> ! The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or
not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?

> Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride
on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey %^&* (POOP).

> Yeah, we have a quota. Two more and my wife gets a toaster oven.

> In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.

> Just how big were those two beers?

> No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're
allowed to write as many tickets as we want.

> I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours.
At least you know someone who can post your bail.

And the best one. . . . .
> You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.
Sign here.

What is the biggest difference between Courtney Love and Wayne Gretzky
>
>
>
>
>
>
>Wayne Gretzky showers after 3 periods.

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice,"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

The Seven Dwarves were all in the bathtub, and they were all feeling happy… so Happy got out.

What do you call a smart blonde?



A golden retriever.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?



45 lbs.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?



"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?



Mace will do that to you

George W Bush begins his speech to open the Olympic Games. "Ooooooo! Ooooooo! Ooooooo! Ooooooo! Ooooooo! An aide comes over and whispers: "Mr President, those are the Olympic rings, your speech is below!"

George W Bush begins his speech to open the Olympic Games. "Ooooooo! Ooooooo! Ooooooo! Ooooooo! Ooooooo! An aide comes over and whispers: "Mr President, those are the Olympic rings, your speech is below!"

George W Bush begins his speech to open the Olympic Games. "Ooooooo! Ooooooo! Ooooooo! Ooooooo! Ooooooo! An aide comes over and whispers: "Mr President, those are the Olympic rings, your speech is below!"

I don't get it?

First triple post I've seen in six months...



She seems like such a nice girl.

hahahah that is a joke the made me laugh i fell down from my chair

^ NOW THAT I GET NICE POST

He reads the olympic rings as O(Alphabet).

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
******************************

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
******************************

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
******************************

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that
you've forgotten?
******************************

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
******************************

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up
that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
******************************

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
******************************

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
******************************

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
******************************
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
******************************

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
******************************

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
******************************
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
******************************

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
******************************

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
******************************

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed ondead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
******************************

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
******************************

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
******************************

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
******************************

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was
alive when you began
the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting in a jar on my desk.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

thats gold

My word...

then wheres my money

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Casino went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that." "It's worse than that, father. She started to repay me with sexual favors."

The priest said, "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one more question ."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

Ok, this is the best joke I know. Although it's much better spoken than read, I hope you guys can use it and inflict as much humour and pain to others as I have with it.......

So here it is:

ME: Ask me if I'm an orange!

OTHER: Are you an orange?

ME: NO!

Try it. It really is funny.

I.... i don't get it.

How can you guys not get that? That's hilarious.

I'm so confused....



Knock Knock.

Who's there?

Banana.

Banana Who?

Banana.

Banana Who?

Banana.

Banana Who?!

Orange.

Orange who?

Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

At least someone got it. As I said, it's more a verbal joke - try it on your friends

I don't get it