A one "L" lama is a priest.

A two "L" llama is a beast.

A three "L" lllama is a really big fire.

I am sooo tired, and that is soo funny for some reason...

Here is some jokes

hope i dont offend any one if i do i sorry

Whats the best way to get in touch with your long-lost relatives?
Win the lottery.

Did you hear about the devil-worshipping dyslexic?
Sold his soul to SANTA.

Why do cows have bells?
Because there horns don't work.

What do you call a Spice Girl sitting behind a steering-wheel?
An airbag.

What do you call a polar bear in the jungle?
Lost.

What do you call a Spice Girl with two brain cells?
Pregnant.

What's grey, has 4 legs, and a trunk?
A mouse goin on holiday.

What's brown, has 4 legs, and a trunk?
A mouse comming back from holiday.

Here is a couple of jokes

Hope i not offend any one

How do you know when an elephant has been in your fridge?
There are footprints in the butter.

What did Snow White say when the chemist lost her film?
Some day my prints will come.

Whats the difference between a dead skunk on the road & a dead lawyer?
There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

A murderer is sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed, "Have you any last requests?" asked the chaplain.
"Yes" replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand."

Why dont blind people go skydiving?
It scares there dogs.

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns dont talk.

When Bill Gates appeared at a computer security conference in San Jose, Calif., this week, he greeted his audience with a quip. "I'm really glad to be here," said the Microsoft Corp. chairman. "My other invitation was to go quail hunting with Dick Cheney."
"Late Show with David Letterman," CBS:

• "Good news, ladies and gentlemen, we have finally located weapons of mass destruction: It's Dick Cheney."

• "But here is the sad part — before the trip Donald Rumsfeld had denied the guy's request for body armor."

• "We can't get Bin Laden, but we nailed a 78-year-old attorney."

• "The guy who got gunned down, he is a Republican lawyer and a big Republican donor and fortunately the buck shot was deflected by wads of laundered cash. So he's fine. He took a little in the wallet."

__

"The Tonight Show with Jay Leno," NBC:

• "Although it is beautiful here in California, the weather back East has been atrocious. There was so much snow in Washington, D.C., Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fat guy thinking it was a polar bear.

• "That's the big story over the weekend. ... Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fellow hunter, a 78-year-old lawyer. In fact, when people found out he shot a lawyer, his popularity is now at 92 percent."

• "I think Cheney is starting to lose it. After he shot the guy he screamed, 'Anyone else want to call domestic wire tapping illegal?'"

• "Dick Cheney is capitalizing on this for Valentine's Day. It's the new Dick Cheney cologne. It's called Duck!"

___

"The Daily Show with Jon Stewart," Comedy Central:

• "Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man during a quail hunt ... making 78-year-old Harry Whittington the first person shot by a sitting veep since Alexander Hamilton. Hamilton, of course, (was) shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor, integrity and political maneuvering. Whittington? Mistaken for a bird."

• "Now, this story certainly has its humorous aspects. ... But it also raises a serious issue, one which I feel very strongly about. ... moms, dads, if you're watching right now, I can't emphasize this enough: Do not let your kids go on hunting trips with the vice president. I don't care what kind of lucrative contracts they're trying to land, or energy regulations they're trying to get lifted — it's just not worth it."

___

"Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson," CBS:

• "He is a lawyer and he got shot in the face. But he's a lawyer, he can use his other face. He'll be all right."

• "You can understand why this lawyer fellow let his guard down, because if you're out hunting with a politician, you think, 'If I'm going to get it, it's going to be in the back.' "

Here is a couple of jokes

Hope i dont offend anyone

How can you tell the head nurse?
She's the one with dirty knees.

Did you hear about the new 'Divorced Barbie'?
Yeah, it comes with all of Ken's stuff.

What's black, white, black & brown, black & black?
A nun on the spit.

What's green & red and races at 100mph?
A frog in a blender.

A Tory MP woke up in a hosptial bed after a complicated operation, and found the curtains drawn around him. 'Why are the curtains closed' he asked. 'Is it night?'
A nurse replied, 'No it's just that theres a fire across the street, and we didnt want you thinkin that the operation was unsuccessful.

What's the ultimate trust?
Two cannibals doing the 69.

What's the difference between an Essex girl and a 747?
The 747 stops whinning when it gets to Majorca.

Doctor Doctor, i keep thinking i'm a set of curtains!.
Pull yourself together then.

Doctor Doctor, people keep ignoring me!.
Next!.

A plastic bag goes to the doctor. After a thorough examination the doctor says 'Im sorry, but you've got AIDS.'
'Thats impossible,' says the plastic bag. 'I've never even had sex.'
'Well' says the doctor, 'your mother must be a carrier.'

Here is a few jokes

hope i dont offend any one

A father decided his son was showing signs of taking him and his mother for granted so he sat him down one day for a chat.
"Right" said the dad, "I think it's time you started treating your mother and i with a little more respect, young man. I mean, where would you be if we both died suddenly?."
"Here" replied the boy. The question is, were would you two be?"

Mother: Why are you home from skool so early?
Son : I was the only one who could answer a question.
Mother : Oh, really? What was the question?
Son : Who threw the rubber at the headmaster?

How do blonde brain cells die?
Alone.

Why do farts smell?
So deaf people can enjoy them too!

Here are a few jokes

Hope i dont offend any one

The soldier serving overseas was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back. So he went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of woman that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, 'Regret cannot remember which one is you - please keep your photo and return the others.'

What do you get if you cross a grass field with a cow?
A lawn-mooer.

What do you get if you cross a herd of cows with an emergancy?
Udder chaos.

That was an episode of M*A*S*H.

MY WIFE ,...SHE TOLD ME TO KISS HER WHEN IT STINKS !!

SO I TOOK HER TO AL VISO AND KISSED HER THERE.......

Dont get it

Can you explain it please

Here is a couple of elephant jokes

Hope i not offend anyone

Why are crocodiles long, thin & flat?
They walk under trees in Autumn.

How can you tell when there's an elephant under the bed?
Your nose is touching the ceiling.

What should you do if you come across an elephant in the jungle?
Wipe it off and say're sorry.

How do elephants get down from trees?
They sit on a leaf and wait for Autumn.

How do elephants get up trees?
They sit on an acorn and fall asleep.

What do elephants use as tampons?
Sheep.

Why do elephants have long trunks?
Sheep dont have strings.

Why are elephants large, grey and wrinkled?
Have you ever tried ironing one.

I got jokes....bad ones though....not dirty ones, really, they're horrible.
And their limericks and epitaths... one sec, gotta publish a book first.

oops they aint jokes, just pictures...

[attachmentid=23320]Heh, put a bounty on my head now...

What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?

Being set on fire.

^^^
Finding 1/2 a maggot in your apple...

You're right, I forgot that bit.

here is something for you to read

Hope i dont offend anyone!

101 Things Not To Say During Sex

1. But everybody looks funny naked!

2. You woke me up for that?

3. Did I mention the video camera?

4. Do you smell something burning?

5. (In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...

6. Try breathing through your nose.

7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!

8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?

9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

10. But whipped cream makes me break out.

11. Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today.

12. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!

13. Can you please pass me the remote control?

14. Do you accept Visa?

15. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.

17. And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend!

18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.

19. (Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?

20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...

21. (Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!

22. Do you get any premium movie channels?

23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!

24. (Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!

25. Got any penicillin?

26. But I just brushed my teeth...

27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!

28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

29. I want a baby!

30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

31. (In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?

32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...

33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

34. I think you have it on backwards.

35. When is this supposed to feel good?

36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!

37. You're good enough to do this for a living!

38. Is that blood on the headboard?

39. Did I remember to take my pill?

40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?

41. I wish we got the Playboy channel..

42. That leak better be from the waterbed!

43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!

44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..

45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.

47. No, really.. I do this part better myself!

48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!

49. This would be more fun with a few more people.

50. You're almost as good as my ex!

51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?

52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?

53. You look younger than you feel.

54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.

55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!

56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.

57. Now I know why he/she dumped you..

58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?

59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.

60. What tampon?

61. Have you ever considered liposuction?

62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!

63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?

64. I have a confession..

65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!

66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?

67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?

68. Is that a hanging sculpture?

69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?

70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?

71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!

72. Did you come yet, dear?

73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about..

74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!

75. Does this count as a date?

76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!

77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.

78. I think biting is romantic -- don't you?

79. You can cook, too right?

80. When would you like to meet my parents?

81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like.. Woman: Yourself?

82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?

83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.

84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.

85. (In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?

86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?

87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.

88. Sorry but I don't do toes!

89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!

90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!

91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper..

92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".

93. So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!

94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!

95. Is this a sin too?

96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!

97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?

98. Long kisses clog my sinuses..

99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise..

100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?

101.You mean you're NOT my blind date?

Here is something for you to read!

Hope i not offend anyone!

Newly wed couple

This newly wed couple were on there honey moon and where about to have sex:

wife: before we do this i have something i have to tell u.

husband: we're married now, u can tell me anything.

wife: i'm flat chested.

husband: i don't believe u..prove it.

So she takes off her shirt.

husband: holy sh** i never seen a smaller chest, but i have something i have to tell u too.

wife: we're married now u can tell me anything.

husband: im "weighed like a baby".

wife: i don't believe you, prove it.

So he takes off his pants.

wife: i thought u sayed u were weighed like a baby?!

husband: i am 6lbs 7ounces!

Here is something for you to read.

Hope i not offend anyone!

10 Ways to Know You've Had Good Sex

1. Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.

2. It takes five minutes to unknot your bodies.

3. An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.

4. The cat's exhausted from just watching you.

5. A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bed springs.

6 You've both gone down one clothing size.

7. You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There's nothing left to adjust.

8. You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.

9. Boy, are you hungry!

10. You're absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny at the same time.

Here is a joke!

Redneck joke

What does a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?

Somebody's gonna lose a trailer!

Bus Driver's Parents

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling,
"If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with,
"If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!"
The kid smiles and says,
"I would be a bus driver!"

Hey Is it Alrite to Post Sex Jokes Here. Saruman Nro Mentioned that Sexual thingys should not be present in this Board as there are youngers Visitors like me................

Zeeshan

Hey Rykster Please don't Post Such Pictures/ It hurts Religious Feelings. Please don't Mind and take care of it next Time. Please



Zeeshan

Heard this one today....Here goes..

Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the
recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill

herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out
Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the
heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.


Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to
someone,


she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the
heart would be.


"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left
breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot
wound to her knee.

huh huh..? If you did'nt get it then thats your fault...ha ha

If you are referring to my cartoon of the gawds, first, I appreciate your well mannered approach to me, I really do.
But...
There are many things that I find offensive as well. When people express their opinions, humorous or otherwise, they will inevitably offend someone.
Seeing a bunch of Muslims with their sand castle depiction of 9-11 offends me. A religion that allows the excision of a woman's clitoris to ensure their fidelity offends me. However, I cannot expect the world not to offend me.
Please, take the cartoon for what it is, and try to get a sense of humor. The cartoon is in good taste, and while my skills as a cartoonist may be in question, the cartoon is in fairly good taste.

Oh yeah, the reason I came in here today!
Robin Williams, gotta love him!

Ballet: Men wearing pants so tight that you can tell what religion they are.

[Before opening an envelope for best supporting actress]
I feel like Adam when he said to Eve, `Back up, I don't know how big this gets`

-- (at the 71st Academy Awards)
[on Michael Jackson]
Honey, you gotta pick a race first. All of a sudden you're a black man, then you're Diana Ross, now you're Audrey Hepburn. Then he's got the little beard going on. He's like Lord Of The Rings, the entire cast. Michael's about to jump species.

Ah...so many pedestrians, so little time...

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

-- (from Mork and Mindy)
Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?

Heres a blonde joke a police car is driving by a street when he looks out his window and he sees a blonde girl kneeling down beside a lamp post.so he gets out of the car and goes over to her and asks miss are you alright and she replies yes but i lost my diamond ring. the police man says is this exactly wher you lost it and she says no i lost it about 3 blocks back but the light is better hear.

Hope you like it

A very attractive lady goes up to the bar. She gestures
alluringly to
the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she
seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers.
When
he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks softly caressing his face with
both
hands. "Actually, I'm not," says the man.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says,
running her
hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything
I can
do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues,
running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly
popping a
couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck and
nip at
them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say around her
delicate fingers sliding in and out of his mouth.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap or paper
towels in the ladies room...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We all know how literally impossible it is to not offend SOMEONE these days, everyone is just SO f***ing TOUCHY... So this guide will help you on how to speak about the opposite sex in a POLITICALLY CORRECT way...

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

She is not a BABE or a CHICK; she is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER; she is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

She is not EASY; she is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

She is not DUMB; she is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She has not BEEN AROUND; she is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She is not an AIR HEAD; she is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY; she gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She is not HORNY; she is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS; she is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

She does not NAG YOU; she becomes ORALLY REPETITIVE.

She is not a SLUT; she is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

She is not a TWO BIT WHORE; she is a LOW COST PROVIDER.


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

He does not have a BEER GUT; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE
FACILITY.

He is not a BAD DANCER; he is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME; he INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS.

He is not BALDING; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER; he prefers GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK; he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS; he develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL
INVERSION.

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG; he has SWINE EMPATHY.

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

He is not QUIET; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.

He is not STUPID; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.

He is not SHORT; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.

He does not CONSTANTLY TALK ABOUT CARS; he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.

He is not UNSOPHISTICATED; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.

He does not EAT LIKE A PIG; he suffers from REVERSE BULIMIA.

He does not HOG THE BLANKETS; he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE.

He doesn't have a DIRTY MIND; he has INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENTS.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Writer


Once upon a time there was a young man who wanted to become a great writer. "I want to write things the whole world will read," he declared.

"Stuff that will elicit strong emotions from people in every walk of life. I want my writing to make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger."

He now lives happily ever after in Redmond, Wash., writing error messages for Microsoft.

I am passing this onto you because it has worked so well for me and I know
that we could all use more calmness and serenity in our lives. By
following the simple advice I heard on the Dr. Phil show, I have finally
found inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the
things you have started. So, I looked around my house to see all the
things I started and hadn't finished; and before leaving the house this
morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a
bottle of Bailey, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of
both my Prozac and Valium prescriptions, the rest of the cheesecake, some
saltines and a box of chocolates.

There are not words enough to tell you how good I feel....

Please pass this on to those you feel are in need of inner peace.

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.

"Magic Beer", he says.

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after that there is no one else worth talking to,goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says,

"That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"

"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window.

The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."

He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."

She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk!"
...

She married and had 13 children.

Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children.

Again, her husband died.

But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.

Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,

"Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

YOU MAY BE A REDNECK IF...

Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.

You convince your wife that an overnight, out-of-state trip for equipment parts is a vacation.

You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.

You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.

You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.

You have used baling wire to attach a license plate.

You have used a chain saw to remodel your house.

You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10
years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday.

You have fibbed to a mechanic about how often you greased a piece of equipment.

You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.

You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.

You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.

You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.

You have used a tractor front-end loader as scaffolding for roof repairs.

You've used the same knife to make bull calves steers and peel apples.

True story my dad told me about when h was younger.:


He picked up a girl and they were driving around. Then he parked somewhere and asked her "Wanna go in the backseat"? And she said "But I wanna stay in the front with you". LOL!

Report from a Blond convention:
Topic: Proove that blonds aren't stupid:
Proceedings:
Most intelligent blonds is asked a few questions by a brunnette in front of a huge blond crowed...
So the brunette asks her to multiply 36 with 2.
After a minute of thinking, she confidently answers 38.
The crowded waits for the answer, only to find out that the she was wrong.
The crowed wants the blond to get an answer right to show the world that they arent stupid. Crowed: "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
So the brunettes thinks "yeaa the qestion was a bit hard" and asks the blond to give te answer to 12 plus 13.
After intense thinking the blond anwers 156, only to find out that she was wrong...
Again the crowed goes: "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
So the brunette decides to ask an easy question seeing hat te crowed wont be happy without a correct aswer. She asks the blond what is the answer to 1 plus 1.
After 10 minutes of intense thinking, she confidently answers 2.
Only to here the crowed: "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

What do elephants use for vibrators?
Epileptic bushmen.

What do elephants use for tampons?
Sheep

Moral of the story?
Dont buy red wool.

Here are a couple of jokes

Hope i dont offend anyone

A bear, a lion and a chicken are talking about who is the hardest:

The bear says, "When I roar the whole forest trembles."

The lion says, "When I roar the whole jungle shakes with fear."

The chicken says, "All I have to do is cough and the whole world craps itself!"


How do you know santa is a man?
Cos he turns up late, eats your food, drinks your booze,
emptys his sak, only cums once, then f**k off before you wake up

Every woman should have 4 pets.
A mink in the closet.
A jaguar in the garage.
A tiger in bed.
A jackass who pays for everything.

Todays blessing:
May the fleas of a thousand Afgan camels infest the crotch of the person
who f**ks up your day, & may their arms be too short to scratch...
AMEN.!

Tony blair is so concerned about the earthquake in pakistan that he's sending
David Blunkett over to help look for survivors

Dawn French has just been arrested for possession of hard drugs, she went through customs with no knickers on ....
Fell over & exposed 40 lbs of crack.

The blue whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating,
but only 10% enters the female, you wonder why the sea tasted so f@@king salty!

What do you call a cow that has had an abortion?
Decalfinated

Have you heard about that disease that you get from shagging birds?
Chirpes? Its one of those canarial diseases. i hear it's untweetable.

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives

When her dishwasher packed up, Mrs williams phoned the repair man.
He couldnt accomodate her request for an after-hours appointment,
and because she had to go to work she told him, "i'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the invoice on the counter and i'll post you a cheque. By the way, i have a large rottweiler called FANG, but dont worry, he's very well trained and he wont bother you. i also have a large parrot. Whatever you do, no matter what he says to you, do not say anything to the bird!"
Well, sure enough, the dog totally ignored the repair man, but the whole time he was there the parrot swore, yelled, screamed and just about drove the bloke mad. As he was getting ready to leave, he just couldn't resist saying to the parrot, "You stupid mangy ball of feathers, shut the f**k up!"
The bird went quiet for a moment, fixed him with a malicious glare, then shouted at the top of his voice: "Kill, Fang. Kill boy!"

Have you heard the new pickup line currently in fashion at gay bars?
"Excuse me, can i push your stool up for you?"

Whats the difference between a blonde chorus line and a magician?
A magician has a cunning array of stunts...

How did the blonde burn her face?
Bobbing for chips

What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?
Way to go, team!"

What is the definition of gross ignorance?
144 blondes.

Here is a couple of jokes

If i offend anyone i am sorry


The best way to get a bloke to do something is to suggest that he is far too old for it.

An umarried man is an example of the failure of the 'Care in the community' Scheme

A bachelor is a man who has missed his opportunity to make a woman miserable.

Men would rather pledge loyalty to a flag than to a woman.

What do most blokes consider safe sex to be?
A padded headboard.

What do you call an intelligent man in england?
A tourist.

What should you give a man who has everything?
Penicillin

Whats a man's idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum under him.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

Here are a couple of jokes

If i offend anyone i am sorry

Whats the difference between a woman & a computer?
You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Where did Prince Charles spend his honeymoon?
In-Diana.

Whats the diffrence between a blonde and a telephone?
It costs 20p to use a telephone.

How are blondes like cornflakes?
Because they're simple, easy & they taste good.

What has 80 balls and likes to screw little old ladies?
Bingo.

What do you call a woman who can suck an orange through a hosepipe?
Darling.

69 + 69= dinner for four

Whats the diffrence between the Loch Ness Monster and a good woman?
The Loch Ness Monster has, on occasion been seen.

Whats the difference between a blonde & a cockerel?
In the morning , a cockerel says "c***-a-doodle-doo",
while a blonde says "Any-c***'ll -do"

What do a brunette and a freezer have in common?
They've both got ice on the inside.

Whats the difference between a Rottweiler and a brunette with PMS?
Lipstick.

Whats is the advantage of having a blonde passenger?
You can park in the handicapped zone.

Farmer tells his wife she needs to eat less cos she looks like a tractor.
That night the farmer wants a bit of nookie.
Wife says: Why should i start this tractor for such a small corn cob/mealie.

Italian boy: Papa Papa i want eh Ferari?
Father: Can your dick touch your ass?
Boy practises for weeks.
Italian boy: Papa Papa i want eh Ferari?
Father: Can your dick touch your ass?
Italian boy: Yes Papa!!
Father: Good now go f*** youself.


What's the smartest think coming out of a woman's mouth?


Einstein's c***






Texan American on cruise ship orders salad. When he receives it he complains: I want the salad not too fresh, not too old, but in the groove Baby! The italian chef is not happy but tries to fix anyway.

Afterwards the American orders pasta. When the Texan receives he complains again: I want the pasta not to long, not to short, but in the groove baby. The Italian chef is furious but tries to fix it anyway.

Afterwards the Texan orders pudding for desert. Again he complains: I want the pudding not too hot, not too cold, but in the groove baby.

The chef, having lost it, goes to Texan: You Stoopide Ameriken can kiss my arse, not on the left cheek, not on the right cheek, but in the groove baby!!





An egg is flying to the nearest city when it sees a plane and a bear playing cards on a tree.
The plane asks him: Do u wanna play with us?
He replys : Nah.. got to have my hair cut...

moral:
Cows prefer oranges to bananas.

Answers to 5 of the toughest questions women ask...

There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to an article in an issue of Sassy magazine.

The five questions are:

1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answered properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:

1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:

a - Football
b - Baseball
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.

According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."

The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:

2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include:

a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?



3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:

a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.



4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include:

a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.



5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:

"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband.
"Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "No, of course not, dear" said the husband. "Don't you like being married?" said the wife. "Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"All right," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."

youve got a thing about men, havent you?

No...

Men are just such easy targets!

Amy, a blonde Texan city girl, marries a Texas rancher. One morning,
on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to Amy, "The
artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows
today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in
the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?" So the
rancher leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on
the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn.

They walk along a long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she
tells him, "This is the one..... right here." Terribly impressed by what
he seemed to think just might be another dizzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell
me little lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence, says: "I guess it's
to hang your pants on......
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A very attractive blonde woman from Mississippi arrived in Las Vegas and
bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope y'all don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

Moral - Not all Mississippians are stupid and not all blondes are dumb,
but all men are men.

A woman goes to have a tattoo and she asks for a butterfly on each butt cheek. But the guy at the tattoo parlor says he doesn't do butterflies but he'll do two bee's instead.
Later when the woman gets home she tells her husband shes had a tattoo, and she shows him.
Her husband says thats good but who the hell is Bob.

Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringin to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again.

"Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.

" Chirac sighs, amused; "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day.

"Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites.
And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.

"Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no !&*$ing way we can feed 200,000 FRENCH prisoners."

Common name for Yoguslav sex worker :
Slobordown Mecockyabitch

Slightly offensive one here,

Q- What does the abbreviation DNA stand for?

A- National Dyslexic Association.