Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter". Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars -- and fifty dollars is fifty dollars".
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance." Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is fifty dollars -- and fifty dollars is fifty dollars".
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know -- Fifty dollars is fifty dollars!"
Full Version: Official Unified Jokes Thread
LMAO 
Why do blondes wear underwear?
To keep their ankles warm.
To keep their ankles warm.
This may not be really good jokes,It just came into my mind.
1."welcome to the political hosts t.v.", said the anouncer.
"President what happened on 9/11?",said the host.
"Overwight people went on the plane, and it fell down.", He explained.
"Looks like you were one of them.", the host said.
"nope, I wasn't.",said the president,"What is 9/11 anyway?"
"You don't know
, it's a plane crash that happened.", the host said," you don't pay
attention do you"
"Nope",He said.
"I know; known of you presidents do.",said the host.
"you know what else, I thought 911 was a police phone number.", He said.
A joke for politics.
2.Why is the sun called a sun when it has no father?
1."welcome to the political hosts t.v.", said the anouncer.
"President what happened on 9/11?",said the host.
"Overwight people went on the plane, and it fell down.", He explained.
"Looks like you were one of them.", the host said.
"nope, I wasn't.",said the president,"What is 9/11 anyway?"
"You don't know
, it's a plane crash that happened.", the host said," you don't payattention do you"
"Nope",He said.
"I know; known of you presidents do.",said the host.
"you know what else, I thought 911 was a police phone number.", He said.
A joke for politics.
2.Why is the sun called a sun when it has no father?
A young boy went up to his father and asked: "What is the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father pondered for a while, then answered: "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Also, ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Come back and tell me what you have learned."
So the boy went to his mother and asked: "Mum, would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?"
The mother replied: "Of course I would. I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."
The boy then went to his sister and said: "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied: "Oh gosh!! I would just love to do that! I would have to be nuts to pass up that opportunity!!".
The boy then thought about it for two or three days and went back to his dad. His father asked him: "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we're sitting on two million dollars,but realistically we're living with two slappers."
The father replied, "That's my boy
The father pondered for a while, then answered: "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Also, ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Come back and tell me what you have learned."
So the boy went to his mother and asked: "Mum, would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?"
The mother replied: "Of course I would. I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."
The boy then went to his sister and said: "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied: "Oh gosh!! I would just love to do that! I would have to be nuts to pass up that opportunity!!".
The boy then thought about it for two or three days and went back to his dad. His father asked him: "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we're sitting on two million dollars,but realistically we're living with two slappers."
The father replied, "That's my boy
"Your surname please."
"Sm-sm-smi-smith."
"Are you a stammerer?"
"No. My father was, and the man who gave my birth certification was a real scum"
"Sm-sm-smi-smith."
"Are you a stammerer?"
"No. My father was, and the man who gave my birth certification was a real scum"
You Know Rykster Potrayal of Mohammad (PBUH), Allah or Other Prophet in Islam is truly Forbidden. It is not allowed. Cartoons Hurting a Muslim's Feeling sohuld not be Published.Getting my Idea or not. This is a Jokes Thread i don't wanna Fill it with Explanations-removing-misconceptions like Stuff.To be Peaceful. Don't Post it Next time.....
I Don't Understand this at all.....Ask this thing in detail in my Islamic Topic.
QUOTE
A religion that allows the excision of a woman's clitoris to ensure their fidelity offends me
I Don't Understand this at all.....Ask this thing in detail in my Islamic Topic.
A woman was in her backyard, when she heard her neighbours kid crying.She stuck her head over the side fence and asked the little girl what was wrong.
My doggies old and I'm scared he's going to die, and I've had him since I was a baby,said the kid.
Well, don't cryshe said, if he does die, you'll buryhim underneath that pretty tree, you'll say a prayer, then mummy and daddy will prepare a wake for him, which is when all your friends will come over and bring you presents and there'll be cake and lemonade and lollies.
The little girl said:Can we kill him now?
My doggies old and I'm scared he's going to die, and I've had him since I was a baby,said the kid.
Well, don't cryshe said, if he does die, you'll buryhim underneath that pretty tree, you'll say a prayer, then mummy and daddy will prepare a wake for him, which is when all your friends will come over and bring you presents and there'll be cake and lemonade and lollies.
The little girl said:Can we kill him now?
ye, an aussie and two nerdy english men walk into a bathroom at a restaurant.
one of the englishmen goes to wash his hands and says "at cambridge university, we use lots of soap and wash our hands thoroughly to ensure our ultimate hygiene"
the second englishmen goes to wash his hands and says " at oxford university we wash our hands thoroughly but use less soap in the aid of saving it and the planet".
the aussie doesn't go to wash his hands, but instead walks straight out and says to the two englishmen
" in australia mate, we dont p### on our hands"
one of the englishmen goes to wash his hands and says "at cambridge university, we use lots of soap and wash our hands thoroughly to ensure our ultimate hygiene"
the second englishmen goes to wash his hands and says " at oxford university we wash our hands thoroughly but use less soap in the aid of saving it and the planet".
the aussie doesn't go to wash his hands, but instead walks straight out and says to the two englishmen
" in australia mate, we dont p### on our hands"
QUOTE(2PAC4LIFE @ Feb 14 2005, 03:45 PM) [snapback]487150[/snapback]
Here's another funny question...
OK why is it tht when you blow into your dogs face he don't like that?
But when he gets in the car he sticks his face out the window!
this is a good one. any one knows answer to this..???
QUOTE(timeout @ Apr 3 2006, 08:25 AM) [snapback]1131702[/snapback]
this is a good one. any one knows answer to this..???
Well, you know how bad a dog's breath is, especially if he/she's just had dinner??? (hence the insult 'Dog's-Breath') Dogs have a similar insult - 'Human-Breath' We smell worse to them than they do to us
Changing our National emblem
The National Committee today announced that its 2008 platform will include changing our National emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the political stance they want the Government to take.
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
Dang, it just doesn't get more accurate than that.
The National Committee today announced that its 2008 platform will include changing our National emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the political stance they want the Government to take.
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
Dang, it just doesn't get more accurate than that.
Here's a yo mamma one not bad just kinda funny.
Your momma's so dumb she climbed a 10foot glass wall to see what was on the other side..... LOL
Your momma's so dumb she climbed a 10foot glass wall to see what was on the other side..... LOL
QUOTE
* You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of b*****s."
*raises hand* im republican and democrat then...
sorry im not sure if someone did this yet.
a man and his wife were arguing late into the night. when they got up the wifes zipper on her dress was stuck. she asked herhusband to free it and,still mad from the argument, freed it and ran it up and down her back a few times. when she got home from work she saw him working on the car, with only his legs and waist visible, and still mad about what he did, she grabbed his zipper and ran it up and down a few times. she went inside and saw her husband drinking coffee. He said he asked the neighbor to work on the car because he couldnt fix it, and she sheeepishly told what happened. they both went out and pulled him out from under the car, and he was out cold, because he reflexivly sat up and knocked his head on the cars frame
a man and his wife were arguing late into the night. when they got up the wifes zipper on her dress was stuck. she asked herhusband to free it and,still mad from the argument, freed it and ran it up and down her back a few times. when she got home from work she saw him working on the car, with only his legs and waist visible, and still mad about what he did, she grabbed his zipper and ran it up and down a few times. she went inside and saw her husband drinking coffee. He said he asked the neighbor to work on the car because he couldnt fix it, and she sheeepishly told what happened. they both went out and pulled him out from under the car, and he was out cold, because he reflexivly sat up and knocked his head on the cars frame
two nuns driving along stop for a red light when a vampire jumps onto their bonnet hissing and carrying on, when one nun turns to the other and says get out and show him your cross, so the nun gets out of the car and yells, "get off the bonnet you bloody idiot!!!!".
In a classroom one day the teacher asked her students, for homework, to think of a true story that has a moral.
So the next day she asked Wendy to come up first. The teacher says, "Alright Wendy, what's your story?"
"Well," Wendy started,"My grandfather lives on a farm and he has chickens. He wanted to sell all the eggs at the market but they didn't make it to the market because the back of the truck broke and they all fell out."
Teacher says,"And what is the moral?"
"Don't count your chickens before they hatch!"
"Very nice Wendy," Teacher looks at a small boy in the corner of the class and says,"Now, Johnny, your story."
Little Johnny starts,"My Uncle Ted was in Vietnam. His helicopter was over enemy territory when it crashed but before it did he took a parachute, some artillary and a case of beer down with him when he evacuated. As he was floating down he drank the entire case of beer! When he landed there were 100 bad guys waiting for him. He took out his shot gun and killed 50 until his bullets ran out."
By this time the teacher has the most horrified look on her face.
"He then took out his knife and killed 30. With 20 left he killed them all with his bare hands!"
The teacher says, "And what in God's name is the moral of that awful story?!"
"The moral is: Never f*** with my Uncle Ted when he's drinking!"
So the next day she asked Wendy to come up first. The teacher says, "Alright Wendy, what's your story?"
"Well," Wendy started,"My grandfather lives on a farm and he has chickens. He wanted to sell all the eggs at the market but they didn't make it to the market because the back of the truck broke and they all fell out."
Teacher says,"And what is the moral?"
"Don't count your chickens before they hatch!"
"Very nice Wendy," Teacher looks at a small boy in the corner of the class and says,"Now, Johnny, your story."
Little Johnny starts,"My Uncle Ted was in Vietnam. His helicopter was over enemy territory when it crashed but before it did he took a parachute, some artillary and a case of beer down with him when he evacuated. As he was floating down he drank the entire case of beer! When he landed there were 100 bad guys waiting for him. He took out his shot gun and killed 50 until his bullets ran out."
By this time the teacher has the most horrified look on her face.
"He then took out his knife and killed 30. With 20 left he killed them all with his bare hands!"
The teacher says, "And what in God's name is the moral of that awful story?!"
"The moral is: Never f*** with my Uncle Ted when he's drinking!"
A priest and another guy from the church went fishing one day because another priest was gonna take over this church, so they get out there and the priest catches this big ol' fish. The guy from the church says, "Man, that is one big son of a b****!"
The priest said, "What!" The man says, "Oh well that's the name of the fish -- it's a 'son-of-a-b**** fish'." The priest says, "Oh ok, I got ya."
So they go back to the church and one of the nuns says, "wow that's a mighty fish there, Father." The priest says, "Well I caught this son of a b****. She says, "What!" He says, "Well that's the name of the fish -- it's a 'son-of-a-b**** fish'." She says, "Oh ok, I got ya."
So the nun takes it and cleans it, and the nun that's gonna cook it comes up and says, "Man, that's a big fish." The nun that cleaned it said, "Well I caught this son of a b****. She says, "What!" The nun that cleaned it says, "Well that's the name of the fish -- it's a 'son-of-a-b**** fish'." She says, "Oh ok, I got ya."
So that night the new priest comes and sits at the table and they start talking and the nun that cooked it brought out the fish and layed it on the table and then sat down.
The new priest says, "Man, that fish is beautiful."
So the priest that caught it says, "Well, I caught that son of a b****."
Then the nun that cleaned it says, "Well, I cleaned that son of a b****."
Then the nun that cooked it says, "Well, I cooked that son of a b****."
So the new priest says, "I knew I'd like you mother f***ers!"
The priest said, "What!" The man says, "Oh well that's the name of the fish -- it's a 'son-of-a-b**** fish'." The priest says, "Oh ok, I got ya."
So they go back to the church and one of the nuns says, "wow that's a mighty fish there, Father." The priest says, "Well I caught this son of a b****. She says, "What!" He says, "Well that's the name of the fish -- it's a 'son-of-a-b**** fish'." She says, "Oh ok, I got ya."
So the nun takes it and cleans it, and the nun that's gonna cook it comes up and says, "Man, that's a big fish." The nun that cleaned it said, "Well I caught this son of a b****. She says, "What!" The nun that cleaned it says, "Well that's the name of the fish -- it's a 'son-of-a-b**** fish'." She says, "Oh ok, I got ya."
So that night the new priest comes and sits at the table and they start talking and the nun that cooked it brought out the fish and layed it on the table and then sat down.
The new priest says, "Man, that fish is beautiful."
So the priest that caught it says, "Well, I caught that son of a b****."
Then the nun that cleaned it says, "Well, I cleaned that son of a b****."
Then the nun that cooked it says, "Well, I cooked that son of a b****."
So the new priest says, "I knew I'd like you mother f***ers!"
ONE OF MY FAVS:
A lady decided to bake some cookies for her kids one day while they were in school. So, she gets out the cookie dough and starts mixing it in a bowl. There was a box of BBs on the shelf above the counter and she accidentally knocks them into the cookie dough. Figuring it wouldn't hurt anyone and she didn't want to waste perfectly good cookie dough, she went ahead and baked the cookies with the BB's inside them.
The kids came home from school and ate ALL of the cookies.
A little while later, her youngest daughter comes up to her, crying and said "Mommy! Mommy! Something is wrong!" The mother says "What is it baby? What is it?!" "Well, Mommy... I peed a BB!" " Oh, it's nothing to worry about, baby... Go on and play." So the little girl runs off to play.
A while after that, the middle son comes up crying "Mommy! Mommy! Something's wrong!" "What is it, baby?! What is it?" "Mommy.... I pooped a BB." "You'll be ok, baby... go on and play." So the little boy ran off to play.
About an hour later, the oldest son comes up to her and says... "Mom, something bad happened that I gotta talk to you about." The mom says "I know, son. You peed a BB or you pooped a BB. It'll be ok." "No, Mom, that's not it... you don't understand." "Well, what is it, baby?"
"Well, Mom... I was out back behind the shed... jerking off... and I SHOT THE DOG!"
A lady decided to bake some cookies for her kids one day while they were in school. So, she gets out the cookie dough and starts mixing it in a bowl. There was a box of BBs on the shelf above the counter and she accidentally knocks them into the cookie dough. Figuring it wouldn't hurt anyone and she didn't want to waste perfectly good cookie dough, she went ahead and baked the cookies with the BB's inside them.
The kids came home from school and ate ALL of the cookies.
A little while later, her youngest daughter comes up to her, crying and said "Mommy! Mommy! Something is wrong!" The mother says "What is it baby? What is it?!" "Well, Mommy... I peed a BB!" " Oh, it's nothing to worry about, baby... Go on and play." So the little girl runs off to play.
A while after that, the middle son comes up crying "Mommy! Mommy! Something's wrong!" "What is it, baby?! What is it?" "Mommy.... I pooped a BB." "You'll be ok, baby... go on and play." So the little boy ran off to play.
About an hour later, the oldest son comes up to her and says... "Mom, something bad happened that I gotta talk to you about." The mom says "I know, son. You peed a BB or you pooped a BB. It'll be ok." "No, Mom, that's not it... you don't understand." "Well, what is it, baby?"
"Well, Mom... I was out back behind the shed... jerking off... and I SHOT THE DOG!"
i know another version of that where the mother had triplets and got shot 3 time in the stomach when she was pregnant, then his stiry happens, without bbs
good one ninja!
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.
Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.
Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."
QUOTE(Mystic Mog @ Feb 14 2005, 02:12 PM) [snapback]487413[/snapback]
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy cow," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I
wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics , religion, sports,
physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants
me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational!! He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, is insightful. It even watches the footie with him!!! The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst,"
and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie….got down on his knees and began kissing her all over...."
Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Fu*kd if I know…I got an erecti*n and fell off my perch!"
<a girl and her dad were taking a shower she looked down towards his you know what and said whats that he said its mr. hanky she said well can i play with it he said sure later so later that night the mom was down stairs and the dad and daughter were upstairs about to go to bed when she said can i play with him now he said yes so she started playing with it and five minutes later the mom heard a scream she ran upstairs to see what was the matter and there was blood all over the place she said what happened the girl said mr. hanky spit on me so i bit it.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
thats pretty sick...
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
You can keep the tip.
You can keep the tip.
here is a couple of jokes
hope i dont offend any one
A guy is tending the bar at a sophisticated party when two toffee-nosed (SNOBS) women approach.
"So, where are you two from?" he asks.
"We" she answers, "are from somewhere where people don't end their sentences with preposistions."
"Oh" says the bartender. "So, where are you two from b****s?"
What do you call a Manc lad in a filling cabinet?
Sorted
How can you tell a frenchman has been in your garden?
Your dustbin is empty and your cat is pregnant
What do you call a Welsh man with a sheep under his arm?
A newlywed
What do you call a Welsh man with two sheep under his arm?
A pimp
What is the diffrerence between an Essex girl and a 747?
The 747 stop whining when it gets to Majorca
Why do Essex girls only get half an hour for lunch?
So they dont need to be retrained when they get back
Doctor Doctor , people keep ignoring me?
NEXT
Doctor Doctor i think im a pair of curtains?
Pull yourself together then
Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
Because her boyfriend was also a blonde
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts
hope i dont offend any one
A guy is tending the bar at a sophisticated party when two toffee-nosed (SNOBS) women approach.
"So, where are you two from?" he asks.
"We" she answers, "are from somewhere where people don't end their sentences with preposistions."
"Oh" says the bartender. "So, where are you two from b****s?"
What do you call a Manc lad in a filling cabinet?
Sorted
How can you tell a frenchman has been in your garden?
Your dustbin is empty and your cat is pregnant
What do you call a Welsh man with a sheep under his arm?
A newlywed
What do you call a Welsh man with two sheep under his arm?
A pimp
What is the diffrerence between an Essex girl and a 747?
The 747 stop whining when it gets to Majorca
Why do Essex girls only get half an hour for lunch?
So they dont need to be retrained when they get back
Doctor Doctor , people keep ignoring me?
NEXT
Doctor Doctor i think im a pair of curtains?
Pull yourself together then
Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
Because her boyfriend was also a blonde
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts
here is some jokes
hope i dont offend anyone
Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
Keep it down, sir, or they'll all be wanting one.
Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
It's fly soup sir!
Why can't women play hockey?
They have to change their pads after every period.
What is the result of a bomb blast in the middle of a herd of cows?
Udder destruction
What red and has seven dents?
Snow Whites cherry!
What goes "Marc, Marc?
A dog with a hare lip!
How can you tell a head nurse?
She's the one with dirty knees!
hope i dont offend anyone
Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
Keep it down, sir, or they'll all be wanting one.
Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
It's fly soup sir!
Why can't women play hockey?
They have to change their pads after every period.
What is the result of a bomb blast in the middle of a herd of cows?
Udder destruction
What red and has seven dents?
Snow Whites cherry!
What goes "Marc, Marc?
A dog with a hare lip!
How can you tell a head nurse?
She's the one with dirty knees!
here is a couple of jokes
what do you call a man who has been buried for 2,000 years?
Pete
what do you call a man with a shovel in his head?
Doug
what do you call a man without a shovel in his head?
Douglas
What do you call a lady with one leg longer than the other?
Eilleen
What do you call a chinese lady with one leg longer than the other?
Irene
What do you call a lady with both legs the same length?
Nolene
What do you call an epileptic in a pile of leaves?
Russell
What do u call a man with a rabbit up his bum?
Warren
What do u call a man who has no arms and legs who is nailed to the wall?
Art
What do u call a man who has his head stuck under ur car?
Jack
What do u call a man who is being electrocuted?
Buzz
What do u call a man who sits at your front door?
Matt
What do u call a lady who is the stand in for polly in faulty towers?
Polly-filler
What do u call a man with toilet paper in his mouth?
John
What do u call a dog with no legs?
It dosen't matter what you call him - he still want come
What do u call a man who hangs off the back of a car's brothers?
Our reg
What do you get when you cross a p***s and a potato?
A dictator
Whats the difference between a terrorist and a woman with PMS?
You can negotiate with a terrorist
Why does a prostitute earn more money than a drug dealer?
Cos she can wash her crack and use it again
what do you call a man who has been buried for 2,000 years?
Pete
what do you call a man with a shovel in his head?
Doug
what do you call a man without a shovel in his head?
Douglas
What do you call a lady with one leg longer than the other?
Eilleen
What do you call a chinese lady with one leg longer than the other?
Irene
What do you call a lady with both legs the same length?
Nolene
What do you call an epileptic in a pile of leaves?
Russell
What do u call a man with a rabbit up his bum?
Warren
What do u call a man who has no arms and legs who is nailed to the wall?
Art
What do u call a man who has his head stuck under ur car?
Jack
What do u call a man who is being electrocuted?
Buzz
What do u call a man who sits at your front door?
Matt
What do u call a lady who is the stand in for polly in faulty towers?
Polly-filler
What do u call a man with toilet paper in his mouth?
John
What do u call a dog with no legs?
It dosen't matter what you call him - he still want come
What do u call a man who hangs off the back of a car's brothers?
Our reg
What do you get when you cross a p***s and a potato?
A dictator
Whats the difference between a terrorist and a woman with PMS?
You can negotiate with a terrorist
Why does a prostitute earn more money than a drug dealer?
Cos she can wash her crack and use it again
Did you hear about the oyster who ran the 100m sprint? It pulled a muscle.
Oh dear God that's bad, you're all saying. Oh well, I'll redeem myself: 2 suicide bombers walk into a bar - *boom boom*
Aaaargh, you're thinking. Third time lucky then - I'm sure this'll be great. 2 blondes walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would have noticed.
Take your pick of smileys to respond -
*or any other you care to use*
Oh dear God that's bad, you're all saying. Oh well, I'll redeem myself: 2 suicide bombers walk into a bar - *boom boom*
Aaaargh, you're thinking. Third time lucky then - I'm sure this'll be great. 2 blondes walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would have noticed.
Take your pick of smileys to respond -
*or any other you care to use*
Some of those are pretty good, limerickboi
A few more:
What do you call a fly without legs? Legless.
What do you call a fly without wings? Wingless.
What do you call a fly without legs or wings? A raisin
Or, what do you call a fly without wings? A walk.
What do you call a blind deer? No idea.
What do you call a dead blind deer? Still no idea.
What do you call a guy with seagull on his head? Cliff.
A few more:
What do you call a fly without legs? Legless.
What do you call a fly without wings? Wingless.
What do you call a fly without legs or wings? A raisin
Or, what do you call a fly without wings? A walk.
What do you call a blind deer? No idea.
What do you call a dead blind deer? Still no idea.
What do you call a guy with seagull on his head? Cliff.
here goes...
why is it that everyone snaps and thinks they are jesus? Why not Budda? especially since more people in the US and UK resemble Budda...
"I'm Budda!"
"You're Bubba!"
"I'm Budda now! All i gotta do is change 2 letters on my belt"
But people always say "oh, that Koresh is so wierd!"... let me think... frustrated rock musician, armed to the teeth and trying to do the buisness with everything that moves... sounds like all of my friends in Texas!
I mean, give him a break... his real name was Vernon... you can't have a messiah named vernon...
why is it that everyone snaps and thinks they are jesus? Why not Budda? especially since more people in the US and UK resemble Budda...
"I'm Budda!"
"You're Bubba!"
"I'm Budda now! All i gotta do is change 2 letters on my belt"
But people always say "oh, that Koresh is so wierd!"... let me think... frustrated rock musician, armed to the teeth and trying to do the buisness with everything that moves... sounds like all of my friends in Texas!
I mean, give him a break... his real name was Vernon... you can't have a messiah named vernon...
Oh man, you coulda put that in the 'can I get a witness' thread hahahaha.
hahahaha.
three ol guys are sitting in a rest home
the first one is 70
the second guy is 80
and the third guys 90
well the 70 year old looks over after he played his checker move and said." gee ,...i wish i could take a healthy piss again"
well the 80 year old leans in and replied ," i wish i could take a healthy crap again'"
well the ninety year old looks over and states,." every morning at 7 am sharp . i take a healthy piss,...bout 9 am on the button i take a healthy s***t ,..
I just wish i could wake up before noon"
the first one is 70
the second guy is 80
and the third guys 90
well the 70 year old looks over after he played his checker move and said." gee ,...i wish i could take a healthy piss again"
well the 80 year old leans in and replied ," i wish i could take a healthy crap again'"
well the ninety year old looks over and states,." every morning at 7 am sharp . i take a healthy piss,...bout 9 am on the button i take a healthy s***t ,..
I just wish i could wake up before noon"
what do you get when you mix boy george with a lizzard
coma cama cama cama camillion
and yes boy george we realy do want to hurt you.
coma cama cama cama camillion
and yes boy george we realy do want to hurt you.
why did the blond stare at the MINUTE MAID can?
because it said " CONCENTRATE" !
Abecrombie
because it said " CONCENTRATE" !
Abecrombie
three ducks are in a pond and a police man starts to question them about a duck named ???
first duck interagation "
cop
duck: QUACK!
cop:
duck : " blowing bubbles ."
cop motions him to move back as the second duck is asked ...
second duck interagation:
cop
duck: "Quack,...Quack"
cop:
duck: " {innocently said} bowing bubbles"
before approach to the third duck the police officer stops and says
third duck replied ,: " No Im Bubbles !"
first duck interagation "
cop
QUOTE
:"ok duck out of the water ok? right now!"
tell me your name son? come on come on whats your name duck?
tell me your name son? come on come on whats your name duck?
duck: QUACK!
cop:
QUOTE
what were you doing in the water?
duck : " blowing bubbles ."
cop motions him to move back as the second duck is asked ...
second duck interagation:
cop
QUOTE
:"ok out of the water duck you too come on lets moves....now tell me your name ?
duck: "Quack,...Quack"
cop:
QUOTE
and what were you doing there in the water quack quack ?
duck: " {innocently said} bowing bubbles"
before approach to the third duck the police officer stops and says
QUOTE
"wait a minute
let me guess...you must be Quack...Quack..Quack... right ? {giggle giggle snort snort}
let me guess...you must be Quack...Quack..Quack... right ? {giggle giggle snort snort}
third duck replied ,: " No Im Bubbles !"
What do you call an honest Iranian lawyer?
As-if.
As-if.
Don't kill me if you know it...
Usual working day:
Wake up,
Nokia, Colgate, Nescafe, Hochland, Orbit.
Renault, Compaq, Epson, Nokia, Nokia, Nokia.
McDonalds, Coca-Cola, Orbit.
Compaq, Epson, Nokia, Nokia, Nokia. Renault.
Tuborg.
Tuborg.
Tuborg-Tuborg-Tuborg-Tuborg.
Nokia... Nokia.
Durex.
Colgate.
Day is over.
Usual working day:
Wake up,
Nokia, Colgate, Nescafe, Hochland, Orbit.
Renault, Compaq, Epson, Nokia, Nokia, Nokia.
McDonalds, Coca-Cola, Orbit.
Compaq, Epson, Nokia, Nokia, Nokia. Renault.
Tuborg.
Tuborg.
Tuborg-Tuborg-Tuborg-Tuborg.
Nokia... Nokia.
Durex.
Colgate.
Day is over.
here is a couple of jokes
Hope i dont offend any one
Did you hear about the new 'Divorced Barbie'"?
Yeah it comes with all of Ken stuff!
Did you hear about the Irish woodworm?
It was found dead in a brick
What do you call a cockney in a detached house?
A burglar!
What is the difference between a dead skunk on the road and a dead lawyer?
There are skid marks in front of the skunk!
Why was the legless dog called "Woodbine"?
Cause it's owner took it out for a drag in the garden twice a day
Why hav elephants got big ears?
cause Noddy won't pay the ransom!
How do you reunite the beatles?
Three more bullets
Whats 10 foot long and stinks of urine?
Old people doing the conga!
What's the smelliest thing in the world?
An anchovy's bottom!
What's green and red and faster than an airplane?
A frog in the blender!
What's blue and screws old ladies?
Hypothermia!
Hope i dont offend any one
Did you hear about the new 'Divorced Barbie'"?
Yeah it comes with all of Ken stuff!
Did you hear about the Irish woodworm?
It was found dead in a brick
What do you call a cockney in a detached house?
A burglar!
What is the difference between a dead skunk on the road and a dead lawyer?
There are skid marks in front of the skunk!
Why was the legless dog called "Woodbine"?
Cause it's owner took it out for a drag in the garden twice a day
Why hav elephants got big ears?
cause Noddy won't pay the ransom!
How do you reunite the beatles?
Three more bullets
Whats 10 foot long and stinks of urine?
Old people doing the conga!
What's the smelliest thing in the world?
An anchovy's bottom!
What's green and red and faster than an airplane?
A frog in the blender!
What's blue and screws old ladies?
Hypothermia!
I find that the jokes that are most offensive and wrong are always the best to hear.
Nice job, limerickboi.
Nice job, limerickboi.
Here is a couple of jokes
Hope i dont offend anyone
A very confused little boy goes to his mother & asks, "Mummy? is god male or female?
"Well, honey," says his mother. "He's both."
"oh" says the little boy. "Mummy? Is god black or white?"
"Well, he's both," replies the mother.
"Oh ....." says the little boy. "Mummy?"
"yes, sweetie?"
Is michael jackson god?
Why did the teacher draw a dot on the floor for his students?
He wanted to illustrate a point.
How do you confuse an idiot?
26
How many dope smokers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to roll it & one to light it up
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it almost all the way in & the other to give it a suprising twist at the end.
What do you call a dog with no hind legs and steel balls?
Sparky
Whats the difference between cheese & men?
Cheese matures
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None: it should be open by the time she brings it to the couch
What lies in a garden and trembles?
A nervous rake
What do you call a boomerang that dosent come back?
A stick
Hope i dont offend anyone
A very confused little boy goes to his mother & asks, "Mummy? is god male or female?
"Well, honey," says his mother. "He's both."
"oh" says the little boy. "Mummy? Is god black or white?"
"Well, he's both," replies the mother.
"Oh ....." says the little boy. "Mummy?"
"yes, sweetie?"
Is michael jackson god?
Why did the teacher draw a dot on the floor for his students?
He wanted to illustrate a point.
How do you confuse an idiot?
26
How many dope smokers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to roll it & one to light it up
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it almost all the way in & the other to give it a suprising twist at the end.
What do you call a dog with no hind legs and steel balls?
Sparky
Whats the difference between cheese & men?
Cheese matures
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None: it should be open by the time she brings it to the couch
What lies in a garden and trembles?
A nervous rake
What do you call a boomerang that dosent come back?
A stick
here is a couple of jokes
Hope i dont offend anyone
The blue whale ejaculates over 40 gallonsof sperm when mating,
but only 10% enters the female,
You wonder why the sea tasted so salty!
Dawn French (British Actress) has just been arrested for possesion of hard drugs
She went through customs with no knickers on
fell over & exposed 40lbs of crack.
Tony blair is so concerend about the earthquake in pakistan,
that he's sending David Blunkett over to help look for survivors
No christmas lights in Vietnam this year.
They're only hanging glitter
Todays blessing:
May the fleas of a thousand afgan camels infest the crotch
of the person who f**ks up your day,
May their arms be too short to scratch...
AMEN!
A woman is rushed into hospital for a fanny transplant but
the operation is put on hold cus the new c**t is reading
this joke!
Gary Glitter gets home to find his girlfriend packing.
"I'm leaving! I just found out your a paedophile!"
"Woooh!" he said
"thats a big word for a 10 year old!"
Every woman should have 4 pets.
A mink in the closet!
A jaguar in the garage!
A tiger in bed!
An jackass who pays for everthing.
How do you know santa's a man?
cos he turns up late,
eats your food,
drinks your booze,
emptys his sac,
only cums once,
then disapears be for you wake up!
Scientists have discovered the average c**k weigh 8 ounces.
but cant decide what the average c**t weighs.
pop on the scales and ring me back.
There are 5 stages of sex:
1. Smurf sex.
When you 1st meet & shag till you're blue in the face.
2. Kitchen sex.
When you've been together only a short while, you'll shag anywhere in the house.
3. Bedroom sex.
Sex is a routine & you'll only shagin the bed on a very occassional night.
4. Hallway sex.
You pass in the hall and both say f**k you.
5 Courtroom sex.
Wife takes you to court & screws you in front of 20 strangers.
The latest craze with clubbers is to fill a womans
vagina with vodka and drink it out of a straw ....
Experts are now warning of minge drinking
Hope i dont offend anyone
The blue whale ejaculates over 40 gallonsof sperm when mating,
but only 10% enters the female,
You wonder why the sea tasted so salty!
Dawn French (British Actress) has just been arrested for possesion of hard drugs
She went through customs with no knickers on
fell over & exposed 40lbs of crack.
Tony blair is so concerend about the earthquake in pakistan,
that he's sending David Blunkett over to help look for survivors
No christmas lights in Vietnam this year.
They're only hanging glitter
Todays blessing:
May the fleas of a thousand afgan camels infest the crotch
of the person who f**ks up your day,
May their arms be too short to scratch...
AMEN!
A woman is rushed into hospital for a fanny transplant but
the operation is put on hold cus the new c**t is reading
this joke!
Gary Glitter gets home to find his girlfriend packing.
"I'm leaving! I just found out your a paedophile!"
"Woooh!" he said
"thats a big word for a 10 year old!"
Every woman should have 4 pets.
A mink in the closet!
A jaguar in the garage!
A tiger in bed!
An jackass who pays for everthing.
How do you know santa's a man?
cos he turns up late,
eats your food,
drinks your booze,
emptys his sac,
only cums once,
then disapears be for you wake up!
Scientists have discovered the average c**k weigh 8 ounces.
but cant decide what the average c**t weighs.
pop on the scales and ring me back.
There are 5 stages of sex:
1. Smurf sex.
When you 1st meet & shag till you're blue in the face.
2. Kitchen sex.
When you've been together only a short while, you'll shag anywhere in the house.
3. Bedroom sex.
Sex is a routine & you'll only shagin the bed on a very occassional night.
4. Hallway sex.
You pass in the hall and both say f**k you.
5 Courtroom sex.
Wife takes you to court & screws you in front of 20 strangers.
The latest craze with clubbers is to fill a womans
vagina with vodka and drink it out of a straw ....
Experts are now warning of minge drinking
here is a couple of jokes
hope i dont offend anyone
Why do policemen have bigger balls than firemen?
They sell more tickets!
What is the last thing to go through a bug's mind as it hits the windscreen?
A*s
How do you make a bunch of little old ladies say "f**k?
Shout BINGO!
Why do blondes wear panties?
To keep their ankles warm!
What do you call 2 lesbians in a boat?
Fur traders!
How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler!
Why was cinderella chucked out of Disneyland?
Because she was caught sitting on pinnochio's face saying "lie lie lie"
hope i dont offend anyone
Why do policemen have bigger balls than firemen?
They sell more tickets!
What is the last thing to go through a bug's mind as it hits the windscreen?
A*s
How do you make a bunch of little old ladies say "f**k?
Shout BINGO!
Why do blondes wear panties?
To keep their ankles warm!
What do you call 2 lesbians in a boat?
Fur traders!
How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler!
Why was cinderella chucked out of Disneyland?
Because she was caught sitting on pinnochio's face saying "lie lie lie"
QUOTE(Bone_Collector @ Feb 14 2005, 08:56 AM) [snapback]487233[/snapback]
How to Tell the Gender of a Fly
-----------------------------------
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 Males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.
A man walks into a bar with a frog on his head.
The bartender asked " Hey buddy, where did you get that?"
The frog answers and says " I dunno, it started out as a wart on my as*"
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
did you here about the dyslexic devil worshipper,,,,,, he sold his soul to santa.....
george bush is having a meeting in the oval office, and cheny walks in says im sorry for disturbing sir but you should know 6 brazilian soliders were killed in Iraq today, with that george bush breaks down sobbing and moaning "its all over, were done for, what are we gonna do". he breaks up the meeting after composing himself, the staff had never seen george like this before and were baiscally shocked, so when the staff left george turns to cheney and says. " tell me dick exactly how many is in a brazilian".
ARF ARF ARF
ARF ARF ARF
An Amish woman and her son are walking through a mall for the first time, totally stunned by everything they see.
They are especially fascinated by two silver walls which slide together and then apart.
They both walk up closer to the sliding silver walls. They see a fat, little old man waddle inside and watch as the doors close behind her.
The mother and son can't believe their eyes when minutes later, the silver doors open and a tall, well-built stud strides out.
The mother then turns to the son and says, "Son, go and get your father."
They are especially fascinated by two silver walls which slide together and then apart.
They both walk up closer to the sliding silver walls. They see a fat, little old man waddle inside and watch as the doors close behind her.
The mother and son can't believe their eyes when minutes later, the silver doors open and a tall, well-built stud strides out.
The mother then turns to the son and says, "Son, go and get your father."
here are a couple of blonde jokes
Why did the dumb blonde take 2 acid tabs?
She wanted to go on a round trip.
What's the difference of a metallurgist?
A man who can tell if a platinum blonde is a virgin metal or a common ore.
How does a dumb blonde commit suicide?
She gathers her clothes into a pile & jumps off.
Why did god give dumb blondes two percent more brains than horses?
Because he didn't want them s@@ting in the streets during parades.
Why cant blondes count to 70?
Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.
What do you call a dumb blonde golfer with an IQ of 125?
A foursome.
Why do dumb blondes get confused in the ladies toilets?
They have to pull there own knickers down.
Why was the dumb blonde disapointed with her trip to london?
She found out big ben is only a clock.
A brunette, a redhead & a blonde all went to see their obstetrician.
Trying to make conversation, the brunette said "Im going to have a boy. I'm sure of it because i was on top."
The redhead said "I know im going to have a girl. I'm sure because i was on the bottom."
The blonde burst into tears. The other woman tried to confort her and asked what was wrong. "I think i'm going to have puppies."
A bloke was giving head to a blonde woman. "My word! you've got a large vagina.
My word! you've got a large vagina." he says.
"There is no need to say it twice" says the blonde.
"I didnt't" says the man
Why is a blonde like a turtle?
They both get f@@ked up when they're on their backs.
How do blonde braincells die?
Alone.
Why are blonde bad with cattle?
Because they cant keep two calves together.
Why did the dumb blonde take 2 acid tabs?
She wanted to go on a round trip.
What's the difference of a metallurgist?
A man who can tell if a platinum blonde is a virgin metal or a common ore.
How does a dumb blonde commit suicide?
She gathers her clothes into a pile & jumps off.
Why did god give dumb blondes two percent more brains than horses?
Because he didn't want them s@@ting in the streets during parades.
Why cant blondes count to 70?
Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.
What do you call a dumb blonde golfer with an IQ of 125?
A foursome.
Why do dumb blondes get confused in the ladies toilets?
They have to pull there own knickers down.
Why was the dumb blonde disapointed with her trip to london?
She found out big ben is only a clock.
A brunette, a redhead & a blonde all went to see their obstetrician.
Trying to make conversation, the brunette said "Im going to have a boy. I'm sure of it because i was on top."
The redhead said "I know im going to have a girl. I'm sure because i was on the bottom."
The blonde burst into tears. The other woman tried to confort her and asked what was wrong. "I think i'm going to have puppies."
A bloke was giving head to a blonde woman. "My word! you've got a large vagina.
My word! you've got a large vagina." he says.
"There is no need to say it twice" says the blonde.
"I didnt't" says the man
Why is a blonde like a turtle?
They both get f@@ked up when they're on their backs.
How do blonde braincells die?
Alone.
Why are blonde bad with cattle?
Because they cant keep two calves together.
Here is a jokes for you
A teacher asks her class what their parents do for a living?
Wee alec shouts "Ma dad's a postman miss!"
Brian shouts "Ma father's a doctor, miss!"
"Very good replies the teacher. "What about you, Mary?
Mary replies "Ma mum's a substitute, miss"
"A substitiute? Do you mean a prostitute? replies the dumfounded teacher.
"Naw miss, she's a substitute - ma sister's the prossy, but when she gets too busy mum stands in."
A teacher asks her class what their parents do for a living?
Wee alec shouts "Ma dad's a postman miss!"
Brian shouts "Ma father's a doctor, miss!"
"Very good replies the teacher. "What about you, Mary?
Mary replies "Ma mum's a substitute, miss"
"A substitiute? Do you mean a prostitute? replies the dumfounded teacher.
"Naw miss, she's a substitute - ma sister's the prossy, but when she gets too busy mum stands in."
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