A man died and went to straight down to hell. The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place. He told the man that there were three rooms he could chose from in which to spend eternity.
The first room was full of flames so hot the man couldn't even breathe. He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.

The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured. It looked so painful the man could not watch. He told the devil he definitely didn't want that room, and they moved on.

The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing. The only thing was that they were standing around in about two feet of poop. The man looked for a while and then told the devil this room would be all right.

The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat. He did, sipped his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice. After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, "Break time is over! Back on your heads!"

here are a couple of jokes

How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.


What would men do if they had breasts?
They'd stay at home and play with them all day.


Why do men find it hard to make eye contact?
Breasts dont have eyes.

How do you get a blonde pregnant?
Cum on her shoes and let the flies do the rest.


What's an Essex girl's faviourite wine?
I wanna go to Spaiiiiiiiiiiiin.

here is a couple of jokes

How is a computer like Britney Spears?
They're both cheap, white, and plastic.


Why did Al Gore get a belly ring?
Because George Bush had a Dick Cheney.


A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."
The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said "You cannot do this, I am a congressman!"
The thief said, "In that case, give me my money!"


At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult, "Gonzales said. They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value.
They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as unknowns, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."


Five presidents are on a plane: George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, and George W. Bush.
George Washington says, "I will make someone happy!" and throws a dollar bill off the plane.
Then Abraham Lincoln says, "I will make five people happy!" and throws 5 one dollar bills off the plane.
Then John Adams says, "I will make 500 people happy!" and throws 500 one dollar bills off the plane.
Then Thomas Jefferson says, "I will make the whole world happy!" and throws George W. Bush off the plane.


Two 6 year old boys were attending religous school and giving the teachers problems. The teachers had tried everything to make them behave - time outs, notes home, missed recesses - but could do nothing with them. Finally the boys were sent to see the priest.
The first boy went in and sat in a chair across the desk from the priest. The priest asked, "Do you know where God is?" The little boy just sat there.
The priest stood up and asked again, "Son, do you know where God is?" The little boy trembled but said nothing.
The priest leaned across the desk and again asked, "Do you know where God is?"
The little boy bolted out of the chair ran past his friend in the waiting room, all the way home. He got in bed and pulled the covers up over his head. His friend had followed him home asked, "what happened in there?"
The boy replied, "God is missing and they think we did it!"


How can you tell a plane is filled with actors?
When the engine stops, the whining goes on.


How do you get an actor off your front porch?
Pay him for the pizza


A van with two actors falls off a cliff. What's the tragedy in this?
You can fit a lot more than two actors in a van.


What is green and yellow and lies in a pile of cookie crumbs?
A beat-up girl scout.


Why doesn't Osama bin Laden have sex with his five wives?
Because every time he spreads their legs he sees Bush.


How do you keep a blonde at home?
Build a circular driveway.


What do you call a gnome with its head in a Fairies dress?
A goblin!


There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush supporters.
Not really knowing what a Bush supporter is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy--Johnny.
The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a Bush supporter."
The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Bush supporter?"
Johnny says, "I'm a John F. Kerry supporter." The teacher asks why he's a Kerry supporter. The boy says, "Well, my mom's a Kerry supporter, and my Dad's a Kerry supporter, so I'm a Kerry supporter!"
The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, "What if you're Mom was a moron, and you're dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush supporter."


What do you get when you mix Rogaine and Viagra?
Hair that stands straight up on your head!


After dying a grisly death in an Afghan cave, Osama made his way to the pearly gates.
There, he was greeted by George Washington.
"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yelled Washington, slapping Osama in the face.
Patrick Henry came up from behind. "You wanted to end America's liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punched Osama in the nose.
James Madison came next, and said, "This is why I allowed the government provide for the common defense!" He took a sledge hammer and whacked Osama's knees.
Osama was subjected to similar beatings from John Randolph, James Monroe, and 65 other people who had the same love for liberty and America. As he writhed on the ground, Thomas Jefferson hurled him back toward the gate where he was to be judged.
As Osama awaited his journey to his final very hot destination, he screamed, "This is not what I was promised!"
An angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"

i have one like that it goes George W. Bush and Dick cheney were flying on air force one. George W. Bush says " i will make someone happy. " and throws a one dollar bill out the window. then Dick Cheney says " i will make 100 people happy and throws 100 one dollar bills out the window. then the pilot says i will make the whole world happy and throws them both off the plane.

Good to hear...!

Sex on a Sunday morning! I will never hear church bells ringing again
without smiling.
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie
went straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old
grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,
"He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years
old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the
church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice
and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the "Ding" and
out on the "Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if
that ice cream truck hadn't come along!"

he he he..

A little girl is out riding her brand new bicycle she got for Christmas. She stops at a traffic light. A police officers comes alongside her on his horse. He looks down and asks her,
"That's a very pretty bike, did Santa get it for you this year?"

"Yep!" she answered.

He peels off a ticket and hands it to her saying, "Here's a $25 safety ticket. Tell Santa to put reflectors on it next year!

The little girl looked up at the officer and without missing a beat said, "That's a very pretty horse, did Santa get it for you for Christmas?

"Yes.", He answered.

"Well, next year, tell Santa to put the dick on the bottom."

Three suicide bombers walk into a bar. Boom.

here are a few jokes

hope i dont offend anyone


A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.
In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."
He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."


How to Know where a Driver is from

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York
One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone,brick on accelerator:
California
With gun in lap:
L.A.
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat:
Italy
One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game:
Seattle
One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window:
Texas city male
One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road:
Texas country male
One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment:
Texas female
Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car:
Colorado
One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter:
Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate.
Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna:
West Virginia male.
Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on:
Florida "seasoned citizen" driver, also known as "no-see-um"


A bartender was washing glasses one afternoon when an elderly Irishman came in.
With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.
The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.
The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly.
He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti.
He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar.
The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.
The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?"
The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"
The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"
The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.
Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!"


The out-of-state couple are camping on the shores of a lake near a tiny hamlet.
The young wife, stunningly built, decides to give the local town folk a thrill by sun bathing in the nude.
"That's OK with me, honey," says her husband. "I'll go get some wood for the fire."
About thirty minutes later, the husband returns to the campsite and finds his wife in tears. One of her breasts has been painted green, the other red and her ass is blue.
"What on earth happened to you dear?" he asks.
"Some of those rednecks from town came over and told me they don't allow any nakedness around these parts. Then they gave me this paint job!"
"Damn those trouble-makers! I'll fix them!" the husband shouts.
He rides into town and finds the rednecks in a bar.
"Who is the SOB who painted my wife red, green and blue!" he shouts.
A huge redneck, about 6'-8," steps forward, a shotgun in his hand. "I did it," he bellows. "What you got to say about it?"
The husband answers meekly, "I just wanted you to know the first coat of paint is dry."


When a man in Macon, Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands.
A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read, "Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal."
The hero, however, told the journalist that he wasn't from Macon.
"Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will probably say, "Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog."
"Actually," the man said, "I'm from Connecticut."
"In that case," the reporter said in a huff, "the headline will read, "Yankee Kills Family Pet."


What does a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer!


An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt.
So he buys a new c*** from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.
Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster- I've got to do something about this! He walks up to the new bird and says, 'So you're the new stud in town?
I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet.
I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there.
We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself.'
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definately thought he was more than a match for the old guy.
'You're on', he said, 'and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!'
So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on.
After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little- but he's still hanging in there.
Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella.
By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens.
When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead.
He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.
As he walks away slowly, he says to himself.....
'Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month.'

here is a few jokes

hope i dont offend anyone


True Story... A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that 6 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too... they were laughing so hard


Men's Mastercard Commercial

Cover Charge $15.00
Round of Drinks $23.00
Table Dance- $30.00
Another round of drinks $23.00
Couch dance and tips $50.00
A round of shots $34.00
Private dance in your hotel room $300.00
Being able to send her on her way and never have to hear her complain:
***PRICELESS****


Police officers George and Mary, had been assigned to walk the beat. They had only been out a short while when Mary said, "Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them." George replied, "We don't have to go back, just give the K-9 unit, Fido, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you."
It was a hot day and Mary didn't fell like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog. Fido's nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting. After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house. Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido. Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen. Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.
Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance. The sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the Desk Sergeant's balls in his mouth.


Important Press Release: The manufacturers of KY Jelly have announced that their product is now fully Year 2000 compliant. In the light of this they have now renamed it as: 'Y2KY Jelly'. Said a spokesman: "The main benefit of this revision to our product, is that you can now insert four digits into your date instead of two"


News Flash : Today the world was stunned by the news of the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred approximately 8:42 PM last evening. Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going and going, "Pinkie" as he was known to his friends and family was alone at the time of his death. An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone had put the bunny's batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and coming...


A man got a job in the sales promotion department of a cola soft-drink company. When he asked about his duties, the manager explained. "Oh! It's an easy job! All you have to is call on ten women buyers every day, and knock Seven-Up!"


A lady goes to the doctor's office and tells the doctor that she can't get her husband to have sex with her anymore. So, the doctor gives her some pills and says to give her husband one each night in his dinner whenever she wants to have sex. That night she gave him one and they had a decent night of sex. The next night she decided to try 4 pills and she had even better sex. Well the next night she tried 8 pills and the sex was wonderful. So the next night she decided to dump the whole bottle in his dinner. The next day her son showed up at the doctor's office and and said, "Doctor, Doctor, what did you do to my Daddy? My mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my butt hurts, and my dad's going around saying here kitty, kitty, kitty!"


Do you know what Rodeo Sex is?

It's when you mount your woman from behind, start going nice and slowly, take her hair and pull her head back slightly and whisper in her ear "Your sister was better than you...", and try to hold on for 8 seconds!


One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word 'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class. The next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously. At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."


The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"
The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."
"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.
"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."


A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"


A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That’s a good piece of fir." "Correct,” says the manager, “now try this one." "That’s a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager.
With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused,” says the blind man, “Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, you’re trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It’s the sh** house door off a tuna boat!"


A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"


A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"

here is a couple of jokes

hope i dont offend anyone

There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field. She was in a boat rowing, with no water in sight. The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, “What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!”


Words that you or I would commonly use for one meaning, have a completely different meaning to parents in a family...

AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

BOTTLE FEEDING: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 AM too.

DEFENSE: what you'd better have around the yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

DROOLING: how teething babies wash their chins.

DUMB WAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you from falling into financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

LOOK OUT!: what it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

OWWW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.

PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: a contradiction in terms.

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

STOREROOM: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

TEMPER TANTRUMS: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

THUNDERSTORM: a chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed.

TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: able to whine in words.

WEAKER SEX: the kind you have after the kids have worn you out.

WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.

WHOOPS: an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge".


Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy

What's the definition of a Yankee?
Same thing as a ''quickie'', only you do it yourself.

What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A cherry float.

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

What does the cannibal do just after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his ass.

How do you know when a Barbie has her period?
All your tic tacks are gone.

Wife Vs Husband



A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier
discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "In-laws."

How many republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three. One to change the bulb, one to call the media to publicize it, and one to blame the electric bill on the democrats.

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street
when they see a beautiful, enticing, blonde female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an
effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up
arriving in front of her at the same time. The males
are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on
themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in
return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the
three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them
"The first one who can use the words "liver" and
"cheese" together in an imaginative, intelligent
sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and
says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no
imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and
said "How well can you do?

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden
Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless.
That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says,
"How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame
and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her
a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and
the Lab and says .......

(GET READY FOR THIS)




"Liver alone. Cheese mine."

Here is a couple of jokes

hope i dont offend anyone


A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into a car accident and died. When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven.
St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them.
Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter and ask him about the marriage.
He says, "I'm still working on it."
Two years pass by and no marriage.
St. Peter again assures them that he's working on it.
Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and tells the couple it's time for their wedding.
The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few months the couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working out, and that they want to get a divorce.
"Can you arrange it for us?" they ask.
St. Peter replies, "Are you kidding?! It took me twenty years to find a priest up here. How am I gonna find you a lawyer?"
A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true. "I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed.
The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days."


There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked a guy how to get a date.
The guy said, "It's simple. I just say that I'm a lawyer."
So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.
She said, "Oh! You're a lawyer?"
He said, "Why, yes I am!"
So they went to his place. When they were in bed making love, the guy started to laugh to himself.
When she asked what was so funny, he answered, "Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!"


This guy was sitting in his attorney's office.
His lawyer said, "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?"
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" asked the man incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."


A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers as they walked down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud "thud", and then he would swerve back on the road.
As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch hiking, he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road.
"I'll give you a lift."
The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. At the last minute, he remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back onto the road. Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "thud." Unsure of where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors. When he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit a lawyer."
The priest replied, "That's OK, I got him with the door."


A man walking along the beach one day finds a bottle. He rubs it and, sure enough, out popped a genie.
"I will grant you three wishes," said the genie. "But there is a catch."
"What catch?" the man asked.
The genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, every lawyer in the world will receive double the wish you were granted."
"Well, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.
"What is your first wish?" asked the genie.
"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!"
POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.
"Now every lawyer in the world has TWO Ferraris," said the genie. "Next wish?"
"I'd love a million dollars," replied the man.
POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.
"Now every lawyer in the world has TWO million dollars," said the genie.
"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got my million," replied the man.
"What is your third and final wish?"
The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney!"


Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a loser.
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again.
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
Consumption of alcohol may convince you that your ex is really dying to hear from you at 4 am.
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that you're tougher than a really big guy named Kong.
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small... or large gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.


A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into then rubbing the roofs of the cars. The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy.
"What the heck are you doing ?" he asks the drunk.
"I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it." he replies.
"So how does feeling the roof help you ?" asks the puzzled manager.
"well," replies the drunk earnestly, "MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!"


SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home.

SYMPTOM: Truck suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and laughs.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

SYMPTOM: Cold and unable to unlock door to hotel room.
FAULT: Woke up in hotel room, got up to go to bathroom and chose wrong door.
ACTION: Knock loudly on door to wake sleeping wife. If this fails, find hotel worker to unlock door for you.


A drunken Irishman gets on a train and asks the conductor how long the trip is between Limerick to Cork.
"About two hours," says the conductor.
"Okay," says the drunkard, "then how long is the trip between Cork to Limerick?"
The irate conductor says to the drunk "It's still about two hours, laddie. Why'd ya think there'd be a difference?"
"Well," says the drunk, "it's only a week between Christmas and New Year's, but it's a helluva long time between New Year's and Christmas!

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up?" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are on the run from the law when they find an old barn to hide out in. The police are close on their tails, so when the women find three sacks, they immediately jump into them. About a minute later, a policeman comes into the barn and sees the suspicious-looking sacks. He kicks the first one.
"Meow," says the redhead.

"It must be a cat," thinks the policeman and he kicks the second sack.

"Woof," says the brunette.

"Must be a dog," thinks the policeman and he kicks the third sack.

"Potatoes," says the blonde.

This buddist monk goes to a hotdog vendor and asks, " make me one with everything".

Four guys went golfing; one went in the clubhouse to pay while the others waited at the first tee. One of the guys says, “I'm so proud of my son. He is a stock broker and he's made enought that he just gave away a huge portfolio.” The next guy said, “I'm so proud of my son. He's a car dealer and he's doing so well, he just gave away a Ferrari.” The third guy says, “I'm so proud of my son. He's got enough money that he just gave away a million-dollar home.”
Just as the third guy fininshes talking, the fourth guy joins them and asks, “What are you guys talking about?'
“Just about how good our sons are doing,” the three men replied. “Well, my son is doing very well,” says the fourth man, “He's a male stripper and just last week he got a huge portfolio, a Ferrari and a million-dollar home.”


haha So you know what that means .....

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Kids do have the most sincere and innocent thoughts… these are their letter to God.


Dear God, are you really invisible or is that just a trick... - Lucy


Dear God, thank you for the baby brother but the one I prayed for was a puppy... - Robert


Dear God, I keep waiting for spring but it never come yet. Dont forget. - Mark


We read that Thomas Edison made light. BUt in Sunday School they said you did it. So i bet he stoled your idea.. Sincerely, Kimberly

You might need a car if.......

Hitch hikers hide when they see you coming.

Public transportation starts to look good.

Instead of an air bag, there is a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.

The engine burns more oil than gas.

You spend more on oil than on gas.

When you try to sell it, The Old Car Trader won't accept your ad because they, "have a reputation to protect."

While waiting at a stop-light, people run up asking if anyone was hurt.

You can leave your car parked, unlocked, with the keys in the ignition, and not worry about it being stolen.

You tell your wife that you were out until 3AM because the car broke down...and she believes you.

Your neighbors all chip in to buy you a car cover.

Your entire car isn't worth the minimum insurance deductible.

You lose the stop-light challenge to a 14-year old on a moped.

You offer a friend a lift and they say no because they are in a hurry.

And old man is sitting on his porch one hot summer day when a Public Works truck pulls up on the far side of the street and two blonde girls in work fatigues get out. The first blonde digs a hole, then the second frantically fills it in. They move five feet up the street and repeat the process. Working frantically the blondes work their way all the way down the street. When the old man sees them cross over to his side of the street he gets up and begins to dodder towards the curb. He gets there just as the blondes are scurrying across the end of his driveway.
"Ladies," he says, smiling. "I noticed both of you are working very hard, but why are you just digging holes and filling them in."
The two blondes look at each other, then the one with the shovel flips a sweat-stained lock of hair out of her face and answers:
"The girl that plants the trees called in sick."

how many social workers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, but it takes fifteen to write a paper called "Coping With Darkness."

I hope this hasn't been posted before:
Once upon a time, there was a guy sitting on a hill, and he looked up to the heavens and said:
"God?"
"Yeah?" said God
"What, to you, is ten billion years?"
God thought about this for a moment, then said, "A second."
Then the man asked: "What, to you, is ten billion pounds/dollars?"
Once again, God thought for a moment, then replied, "A penny/cent."
The man sat in silence for an hour, trying to think of a question which could catch God out, then looked up again a said, "God, can I have a penny/cent?"
"Yes, you can," replied God
Kerching! thought the man, and said "OK, when can I have my penny?"
"In a second," replied God.

These are necessary to avoid lawsuits, due to niggly legal minutiae.

This one was on Monty Python's Flying Circus, in a sketch where the Allies were using the funniest joke in the world to defeat the Germans. The Germans tried to strike back with:
'Zere vere zwei peanuts valking down der straße, und von vas assaulted....peanut. Hahahaha...'

i got a joke...

A guy goes and sees a fortune teller and asks her-
"[/i]What are the winning numbers for this week lottery?"

Fortune teller replies-
"[i]If you think I know do you think I would be doing this as a job!!??"

Sex Sandals

This married couple was on holiday in India. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this sandal shop.

From inside they heard a gentleman with an Indian accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come indo my humble shop." So the couple walked in.

The Indian man said to them, "I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like great desert camel."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god that he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Indian man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb." Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years - raw sexual power!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Indian man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants and grabbed a firm hold of the Indian's thighs.

The Indian man began screaming, "YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!"

OLD AGE
Goddddddd.....I never want to get this old!!! lmfao!!!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor to provide a sperm
sample as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and
said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.


The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, "Well, doc,
it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I
tried with my left hand, but still nothing. "Then I asked my wife
for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still
nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with
her teeth out, still nothing. "We even called up Arleen, the lady
next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit,
and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked, "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man
replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open".

Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say

10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.

There are two guys sitting on a park bench. One says to the other, "You know, I heard that scizophrenia can make you violent."
The other guy says: "Yeah, so it's a good job we aren't scizophrenic, isn't it lads? Yes. Hmm. Uh-uh. I agree."

In the year 2006 , the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.

They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.


I 'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

wot do u call a horse with no ears......................................................................................................................................................................................................................... anything u like coz its not gonna hear u!!

honk honk

What has four legs, horns and flies?


A bull.

Ow....that hurt my soul just to type.

Sometimes wisdom pays:

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.

"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"

And the old man enjoyed peace.

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

A hydrogen atom lost its electron and went to the police station to file a missing electron report. He was questioned by the police: "Haven't you just misplaced it somewhere? Are you sure that your electron is really lost?"

"I'm positive." replied the atom.

Roses are Red,...Violets are Blue
I'm a schizophrentic and so am I

My next door neighbour's wife is a great housekeeper...
She's been married 3 times before,....and has kept the house each time.

I got got pulled over for speeding the other day.
The cop asked ''Do you have any ID?''
And i replied, ''About what?''

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you know what is 20 feet long and smells like urine?

Line dancing at a nursing home




Did you hear about the guy who had his whole left side cut off?

He's alright now

How do u spot a New Zealander in a shoe shop?
he's the man next to the uggboots with a hard on.

here is some glasgow patter

and wat they mean in english

1) Airieplane aeroplane

2) Aipple Apple

3) Bampot Idiot

4) Bar-L Barlinnie Prison

5) Balloon Empty Boaster

6) Baldy Bayne A bald man

7) The Barras Informal shopping complex in glasgow East end

8) Bent Shot Homosexual

9) Bloodsucker Large earthworm

10) Billy Boy A protestant

11) Bluenose Rangers supporter

12) Blythswood Sq Haunt of prostitutes in city centre

13) Boggin Smelling stinking

14) Carry out Drinks or food to be eatin elsewhere

15) The Celts Nickname of Celtic FC

16) Clype To inform of someone

17) Coal-carry To carry someone on their back

18) Coorie in Cuddle up to someone

19) The Clenny The cleansing department

20) Cludgie A toilet

21) Curry shop A pakistani or indian restaurant

22) Daftie A fool or mentally-retarded person



Hope you like them as this is just a couple of glasgow saying

rest will follow shortly

You have just received the Amish virus. Since we have no electricity or computers, you are on the honor system. Please forward this message to everyone in your address book and then delete all files on your hard drive.

Thank you

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don't.

''KNOCK KNOCK''

Ummm...who is there?

Ivan

Ivan who?

Ivan any idea,...i though you could help me out.