Two cows standing in a field.
One says to the other ''Are you worried about mad cows disease''?
The other says ''No, it dosn't worry me, i'm a horse''.

Pants Joke

I have a couple of funny quotes

Peter OToole

Andy Rooney

Mel Brooks

Alright, lets have some animal jokes!





What's frequently seen with a really long neck?




A giraffe!





What runs on four legs, can go faster than an olympic runner?



A cheetah!





What moves faster than a speeding train towards the earth?




A peregrine falcon!







What's medium sized, can shake sometimes, bellows in a really deep voice and can be seen hanging from something?





Ian Curtis, former lead singer of Joy Division!


ahahahahaha!

What's got sunglasses and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area. I became lost; and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and crew, who was eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave. where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul, As I preached, the workers began to say "Amen". "Praise the Lord" "Glory". and such I preached and I preached, like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations- - I wasn't going to let this homeless man go out without someone taking notice of the service! I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't' never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for more than 20 years."

^ good 1

We had homo- burglers that broke in the other night.... they didnt really take anything but they did re-arrange the furniture...

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh**?"

LOL!!!!!!

I surprised a burglar the otehr day

I broke into his house

did you here about hte devil worshipping disexic? he sold his sole to "santa"


-------------


a man walked up to a woman and asked here her last name

she said it was carmen

"oh. thats a nice name, is it you families"

" no, its what i like best, cars and men, what you name?"

"golftits"




-------------


did you hear about the confused dis;exic? he wasn't sure if thee was a "dog"

you need to work on your spelling

One day a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nighty, "tie me up" she purred "and you can do anything you want" so he tied her up and went golfing!!!

Hope i dont offend anyone!

A polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driving licence, first of course, he had to take an eye test. The optician showed him a card with the letters "CZWIXNOSTACZ' " can you read this?" the optician asked, "read it" the polish guy replied "i know the guy"

Mother superior called all the nuns together and said to them "I must tell you something" "we have a case of gonorrhea in the convent" "thank god" said an elderly nun at the back "im so tired of chardonnay"

Two fraternity brothers decide to go sailing one afternoon and become lost. After twenty hours with nothing to eat or drink, one of them spots a lamp floating by. He picks it up and a genie pops out. The genie notices the poor condition of the two frat guys and grants them one wish between the two of them.

After a lot of arguing over who gets the wish, one of them blurts out, “I wish the ocean was made of beer.” Magically, the ocean turns to beer.
Infuriated, the other guy yells, “Way to go asshole! Now we have to piss in the boat!”

^good one

i heard that one


just a little



like the airplane one and the polish one

Ok, three women escape from prison; a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. They run through the woods all night, the police hot on their trails. They are terrified, adrenaline pumping. As dawn begins approaching, they see a farm with a barn and decide to hide there because they just can't make their bodies go anymore.

Could they hide in the hay? No, that might be too itchy, the redhead has very sensitive skin. They look around and see large burlap sacks. Perfect!

But the police were not far behind, and rush in to the same barn just a moment later feeling sure that this is where they must be.

They see rustling over there in the corner, and walk over to the burlap sacks. The brunette in her sack, hearing their footsteps, mews like a kitten just as a cop was about to open it and look inside. The cops look at each other and say, "oh it's just a kitty cat scratching around."

They are about to open the next bag when they hear a woof, and deduce that the dog was chasing the cat and now they were both about to settle in for naps in the warm burlap sacks. Nothing here.

But they they notice the third sack. They are suspicious. They walk over and open it.

But the blonde is quite ingenious and figured out the pattern a long time ago. She smugly waits for the cops to open the bag, and when they do, she bats her big baby blues and says, "potatoes."

i've heard that one, but she yells potatoes 3 times and they escape from jail and go into a warehouse.


a bus full of ugly people crashes and they all die, so in order to make up for it, god gives them all one wish before they enter heaven.
so the first on say "i want to be gorgeous" and the second one says "me too". soon everyone is saying this, and after the fifth person the last person in line starts chuckling. fianlly with only ten people left he is rolling on the floor laughiing, so when its finally his turn god asks "whats so funny?" and the man replys "make 'em all ugly"

a man his wife, his 9 kids, and a blind guy are all at a bus stop. when the bus arives, they find that it is full so the husband and the blind guy decide to walk, after a while the ticking of the blind mans cane starts to get to the husband
"that ticking is driving me crazy, why don't you put some rubber on the end of your stick" he says
"well we wouldn't be walking if you'd have put some rubber on the end of your stick, so shut the hell up!"

Moses and Jesus were out playing golf one afternoon. The come up on the 14th tee and Jesus pulls a 3 iron out of his bag and begins to set up his shot.

Moses asks Jesus "Jesus, are you sure a 3 iron is a wise club choice?" Jesus replies "Arnold Palmer can make this shot with a 3 iron and so can I."

So Moses stands back and watches Jesus hit his ball right into the water hazzard. "See I told you" Moses said and parted the waters for Jesus, collected his ball and Jesus set up his shot again, with a three iron.

"Jesus", Moses says, "Are you certain a 3 iron is the club you want to use? Afterall, I had to part the waters and retrieve your ball for you last time."

Jesus merely replies "Arnold Palmer can make this shot with a 3 iron and so can I"

Jesus hits his ball and it once again lands in the water hazzard. Jesus, frustrated now, walks out to the hazzard and walks on water in an effort to retrieve his ball.

While Jesus is walking on the water, a foursome approaches Moses and asks if they can play through. One gentleman looks down the fairway and sees Jesus walking on the water and asks Moses, "who does that guy think he is? Jesus Christ?"

With a wry smile on his face, Moses replies "No, that IS Jesus Christ, he thinks he's Arnold Palmer".

Which only goes to prove: The safest place in the world during a lightning storm is in the middle of a fairway with a 3 iron in hand, because not even God can hit a three iron.

At the Pearly Gates and the entrance to heaven, we find a jew, a muslim and a buddhist all waiting to gain acceptance into Heaven.

The Jew approaches St. Peter and awaits his judgment. St. Peter asks him "My son, might I inquire as to your faith?" The Jew replies, "I am a Jew St. Peter." St. Peter looks him up and down and says to him

"My son, I can see that you are a good and righteous man, and I welcome you to the Kingdom of Heaven. Please, follow the hallway to door number 14 but PLEASE be VERY quiet when passing door 12"

The Jew thanks St. Peter, goes down the hallway being careful to be very quiet when passing door 12 and enters into Heaven at door 14.

The Muslim approaches St. Peter and awaits his judgment. St. Peter asks him "My son, might I inquire as to your faith?" The Muslim replies, "I am a Muslim St. Peter." St. Peter looks him up and down and says to him

"My son, I can see that you are a good and righteous man, and I welcome you to the Kingdom of Heaven. Please, follow the hallway to door number 15 but PLEASE be VERY quiet when passing door 12"

The Muslim thanks St. Peter, goes down the hallway being careful to be very quiet when passing door 12 and enters into Heaven at door 15.

The Buddist approaches St. Peter but he looks perplexed and cannot help wondering why St. Peter keeps telling people to be quiet when passing door 12.

St. Peter says to the Buddhist, "My son, you look perplexed, is there perhaps something I can do to assist you?"

The buddhist replies "St. Peter, I am a Buddhist and have been taught to question everything, can you tell me WHY we must be quiet when passing door 12?"

St. Peter begins to laugh and slaps the Buddhist on the back and whispers into his ear.

"My son, of course! Door 12 is where we keep the Christians, they think they're the only ones here!"

^hahahaha! thats so true it hurts! ok it doesn't, but still its completly true.

Ok, one last one.

A big city journalist was sent on assignment to a rural and rather backwater town to write a human interest piece about Christmas in Rural America.

He arrives in the small town, and takes some time driving around talking to the pastor of the local church, and checking out the residents Christmas decorations. He passes a house with a Nativity Scene and abruptly stops the car because he thinks his eyes are playing tricks on him. He gets out of the car for a closer look and sure enough, the Magi were dressed in yellow rain slickers, black shiny boots and red helmets! How odd he thought to himself.

After doing his reasearch he goes to the local diner for a burger and a soda. However, he can't shake the image of the Magi, and he calls the waitress over to his table and asks her,

"Ma'am, this may seem like a strange question, but I was driving around town today and saw a Nativity scene where the three Wise Men were dressed in what looked like firemen's uniforms. Do you know why?"

The waitress gave him an exhaperated look and said in her thick drawl, "Young man, do y'all own a Bible?" to which he replied "Yes, ma'am I do"

Then she said "Well, do y'all read your Bible?" and he replied "Yes, for certain ma'am I do. But I don't see what this has to do with the wisemen being dressed as firemen"

"Well young man, if y'all read the Bible y'all would know that them Magi came to Christ from A-far"

i don't get it




why'd kernel sanders cross the rode? ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------___________________________________________________________________________________-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-the chicken didn't make it

Sometimes that last joke takes a minute to understand and works best if you read it outloud.

"a-far" is southerneese for "fire"

A female TV reporter arranged for an interview with a farmer living just
outside some City, to find the main cause of the Mad Cow
Disease.

Lady reporter : Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the
possible source of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this
disease?

The farmer stared at the reporter and said: Do you know that a bull mounts
a cow only once a year?


Lady reporter (obviously embarrassed): Well, sir, that's a new piece of
information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow
disease?

The farmer: And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?

The reporter: Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about
getting to the point.

Farmer: I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing
with your tits twice a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you
get mad?

(I apologize ahead of time if someone already posted this joke--there were just too many to read.)

Three newly-departed men approached the pearly gates of heaven. The first man walked up to St. Peter, who was guarding the gate. St. Peter said, "My son, before you enter the gates of heaven, I first must know how you died."

The man says, "St. Peter, you won't believe how horrible my death was! I came home early from work, and what I found was my wife in a sexy black negligee laying on our bed. The room was filled with cigar smoke! Assuming the worst, I got so angry that I searched our apartment, and when I couldn't find my wife's lover, I looked out of our open bedroom window. I saw a man below, standing beside a parked car and smoking a cigar. In my rage, I ran to the refrigerator and pushed it through the apartment and out of the window, killing the man below."

"That's horrible!" replied St. Peter. "But how did YOU die?"

"Well, the exertion of pushing that refrigerator out the window gave me a heart attack, and here I am."

St. Peter shook his head. "That is truly a sad story. You may enter, my son."

The next man walks up to St. Peter, who asked him, "My son, how did you die?"

"It was horrible!" said the man. "I was just standing by my car, smoking a cigar and minding my own business, when this heavy refrigerator fell from an apartment window above me and landed square on top of me, killing me instantly!"

St. Peter said, "Oh my! That is a horrible story! You have suffered enough, so you may enter heaven."

The last man walks up to St. Peter. "Well, my son, how did you die?"

"It was the funniest thing, St. Peter--there I was, sitting naked in a refrigerator, smoking a cigar...."

Here's another:

An ambulance was called to the scene of an attempted suicide--a beautiful young blonde woman had jumped from a 7-story building.

When the EMTs arrived, the woman was barely alive. The EMT looked at the beautiful blonde and asked her, "Why, why did you jump? You appear to have so much going for you."

The blonde pulled him down, his ear close to her lips, and she whispered, "The...package said...Maxi Pads...with WINGS!"

Lol. I can never remember jokes!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. .


On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

*Floor 1* - These men have jobs and love the Lord.


*********

The second floor sign reads:

*Floor 2* - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.


*********

The third floor sign reads:

*Floor 3* - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely
good looking.


"*Wow*," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


*********

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

*Floor 4* - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead
good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"


*********

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

*Floor 5* - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead
gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
reads:


*********

*Floor 6* - You are visitor *4,363,012* to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the
building, and have a nice day!

My most favourite joke ever. EVER. Just stick with it

HIGHLIGHT FOR ANSWERS !

Whats white and flies through the jungle? [spoiler]A fridge[/spoiler]

Why did the monkey fall out the tree? [spoiler]He had a heart attack.[/spoiler]

Why did the second monkey fall out the tree? [spoiler]He thought it was a game.[/spoiler]

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? [spoiler]Got hit by the fridge [/spoiler]

*sniggers*

A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair
well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling
slightly of a good after-shave, presenting a well looked-after
image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is
an elderly lady, about mid eighties.

The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink,
takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here
often?"

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted
for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the
doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really
pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just
sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will
three times!"

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a
bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim,
I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know
you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep.. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after
eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The
two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out
to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it
very highly.

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the
name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the
one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the
kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we
went to last night?

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being
discharged.

However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly
gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase
at his feet who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the
hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel
him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was
meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom
changing out of her hospital gown."

************************************************************

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering
things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're
physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down
to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the
old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the
kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top,too. Maybe you should
write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that,
write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember
it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for
goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and
hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast ?"


************************************************************
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer ."
************************************************************
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art It's
perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
************************************************************
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street
with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later,
the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great,
aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma
and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart
murmur; be careful.'"

************************************************************

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and
pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching
his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

Vampire bat
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as heck didn't!"

Jesus and the Robber

One night a robber broke into a home and heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" while he rumagged through the desk.

He replied, "Who said that?!"

Once again he heard the same thing, "Jesus is watching you!"

The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was. The parrot replied, "Cornelius."

The robber said, "What kind of a name is that?! Who names a parrot that?!"

The parrot said, "The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus!"

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu
said,
"I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"

Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my
intelligence come
from?"

The father replied. "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I
still have mine"

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to
fly from San Francisco to New York City?"

The agent replies, "Just a minute..."

"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.



Thanks Will.

I got this through email ;P

These "*silly tech support calls*" have been around in e-mails and online
since the dawn of tech support.

They are always fun to read. I'm in the mood for a good laugh. *How 'bout
you?*


**********


Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?

Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.

Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my
desk... Sorry....


**********


Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?


**********


Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.

Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill
Gates.


**********


Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I
try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed
it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...



**********


Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?

Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.


**********


Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.


**********


Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back

Customer: OK

Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes

Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another
keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...


**********


Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital
letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?


**********


Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five stars.


**********

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.

Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.


**********


Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my
computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.


**********


Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.

Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the
circle around it?


**********


A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.

Tech support: Are you running it under windows?

Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The
man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is
working fine."


**********


And last but not least...


Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same
time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the
letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager"
Customer: I don't have a P.

Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?

Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

An old one here, not sure if it's been posted. Apologies if so.

There's a cull in the US Armed Forces, and it's decided that the top 3 generals should be made redundant to make room for new blood. They're all called into the Cheif of Staff's office, where they're greeted by the big boss and a doctor.

"Welcome", says the CoS. "As you know, we have to get rid of you guys. But to soften the blow, we're gonna ask you to pick any 2 points on your body, the doc here will measure the distance in inches, we'll multiply it by $1000 and you will have a nice nest-egg.

The Navy guy steps up and asks to be measured from the top of his head to his toes. "That's 72 inches", says the doc. He is presented with a cheque for $72000and walks out happy.

Next, the Air Force man puts his arms above his head and asks top be measured from hands to toes. "98 inches, well done, here's $98 grand" says the doc.

Finally the Army general asks to be measured from the end of his penis to his testicles. "Are you sure?" the doc says

"Yes," says the general. The doctor shrugs and pulls down the general's pants.

"Jesus," says the doc. "Where the hell are your balls?"

The general smiles and replies, "Vietnam."

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

*How a man chooses a wife *

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of £5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.


The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.


The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the £5,000. She gives him back his £5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.


Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.


Men are like that, you know.

Joke #1
A pregnant woman suddenly goes into labour in the middle of the night. Her husband rushes her to the hospital and they get taken up to the maternity ward. Once they're in there, a doctor says, 'We've just recieved a new piece of machinery which allows the man to feel some of the pain that the woman feels while she's giving birth. We believe this is good because men have no idea of the suffering that women go through, and it also allevitates some of the woman's pain. So, would you like to try it?' So, the couple discuss it briefly and agree to it.
The doctor leads them into the birth room, and the woman begins to give birth. The pain machine is switched on, and set to transfer 10% of the pain to the husband. But the man doesn't feel anything. So the doctor turns it up to 20%. Still nothing. 30%, 40%, 50%, still nothing happens.
'Well,' says the doctor to himself, 'We'll try turning it up to 100% and see what happens.' So he turns it up to 100%, and the birth goes easily because all of the woman's pain is being transferred to the father, but the husband still doesn't feel anything.
After it's all over, the doctor says to the husband 'Well, I must say that was very odd and it's never happened before. Anyway, I think you should go home and get some rest, because you've been awake a long time and you've been under a lot of stress. The man agrees, walks out of the hospital to his car, gets in and drives home.
When he gets home, he gets out of the car, starts to walk up the front door, and trips over the milkman who's lying dead in the middle of the path.

Joke #2
Tony Blair is on a trip to Scotland, going around all the hospitals. He arrives at the first hospital that he is visiting, and asks the doctors to take him up to the ward he will be meeting the patients in. Inside there are three patients. Mr. Blair walks over to the first bed and says to the man lying in it, 'Hello, and how are you today?' The man replies: 'Should auld acquaintance be forgot ,and never brought to mind? Should auld acquaintance be forgot, and auld lang syne?' Mr. Blair says '...Right. Well, thank you.'
He walks over to the second bed and says to the man lying in it, 'Hello, and how are you today?' The man replies: ' 'The best laid schemes o' mice an' men gang aft agley.' Mr. Blair says, Well, okay. Thank you.' and walks away, over to the third bed.
When he reaches the third bed, he says to the woman in it, 'Hello, and how are you today?' The woman replies: 'But we hae meat and we can eat, and so the Lord be thankit.'
Mr. Blair, now seriously unnerved, gets up and walks out of the ward. Outside, he says to the doctors, 'You know, no-one told me that that was the psychiatric ward.'
One of the doctors says, 'It's not the psychiatric ward. The ward you were just in was the serious Burns unit.'

Joke #3
There are three blondes stranded on an island. One day, one of them is walking along the beach and she finds an Aladdin-type lamp, so she gives it a rub and out pops a genie. The blonde is very excited at this and calls to the others, 'Oi, yous lot! Come over 'ere an' look what I found!'
The other two blondes come running over, and they, too, are highly excited. 'Does we get a wish like what Aladdin did?' one of them asks. 'Certainly,' says the genie. 'I will give you a wish each as there are three of you.' He turns to the first blonde and asks her what her wish is. She says, 'I wish I was ten percent cleverer than what I is now.' Her hair turns light brown, and she jumps in the water and swims away to safety. The genie turns to the second blonde and asks what her wish is. 'I wish I was 10 percent cleverer that her what just escaped,' she replies. Her hair turns dark brown, and she goes and chops down some trees, makes a raft and rows away off the island.
The genie turns to the last blonde and asks what her wish is. She thinks for a moment (an incredibly strenuous act) and says, 'I wish I was fifty percent cleverer than them other two.' The genie casts his bolt of magic at her, and she turns into a man and walks across the bridge.

Yes, I know it's sexist.

Any lawyers out there ..........



How can you tell the difference between a dead snake and a dead lawyer lying on the highway?


There are skid marks in front of the snake.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?


Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?


The vulture doesn’t get Frequent Flyer Miles.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of savage buffalo?


The lawyer charges more.

Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary:


8:00am Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30am A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40am Walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30am Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00pm Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00pm Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00pm Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00pm Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00pm Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00pm Wow! Watched TV with my master! My favorite thing!
11:00pm Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


Excerpts from a cat's diary

Day 683 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and myself are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape… In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. The audacity!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released -- and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded! The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe....... for now.

When girls don't put out!!

This was written by a guy... it's pretty damn smart. Girls -- Have a sense of humor!
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that b**** knows I'm smarter than her.

Whats the difference between a politician and a bucket of manure?


The bucket.

One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver.
She politely asks him to step out of his car. He willingly does so.
She says, "Anything you say can and will be Held against you."
He replies "BREASTS."


I asked my husband if he wanted to renew our vows. He got so exited - he thought they had expired. - Rita Rudner.

Here's my little contribution



The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys." I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the beers went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit tipsy(okay, I was crocked) I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my wife would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with her. (Even when totally hammered... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos (MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her smugly "Midnight". She didn't seem mad at all. "Whew! Got away with that one!" Then she said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked her why?, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. sh*t!", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."


So much for quick-witted solutions...





Lightwolf

A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his he's got his lights on. The blonde replies "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...No"


A brunette says to a blonde "Look! A dead bird!" and the blonde looks up and says "Where?"


There was a blonde who was taking her kids to Disney Land. When they were about half way there, the blonde say a sign that said "Disney Land Left," so the blonde turned back around and went home.



Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they just couldn't! The blonde with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath. The other blonde said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

I've read some great jokes here and, as I haven't read all 50 pages I hope this one hasn't been posted, so I'll apologise beforehand if it has...



A man staying in a luxury hotel walked into the Penthouse bar to have a drink before going to his room for the night. As he sat at the bar and ordered a drink, he noticed two drunks arguing animatedly at the end of the bar.

"I'm tellin' you the truth!" said the first drunk.

"Bullsh*t!" said the second drunk, "It'sh impossible!"

"It'sh true I tell ya!" said the first drunk, "The winds around these buildings are sho powerful, if you jump off the balcony, the wind will blow you right back up to the rail!"

The second drunk rolled his eyes and shook his head.

"Okay!" said the first drunk, "I'll prove it!"

And with that the first drunk walked out onto the balcony, stepped over the rail and was gone. The second drunk wide eyed ran to the rail, sure he was going to see his drinking buddy splatter all over the pavement, but to his amazement, he slowed and seemed to float in midair for a moment, then shot back up to the rail. The first drunk stepped back over the rail and said, "See?! I told ya!"

"Wow!" said the second drunk, "I gotta try that!" So the second drunk stepped over the rail of the balcony, jumped, and promptly fell to his death.

Laughing, the first drunk flew away.

Shocked, the man at the bar turned to the bartender, "Did you see that!!"

"Yeah", said the bartender shaking his head, "Superman sure is a mean drunk."

Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.


His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his
mother what he wanted.


Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.


Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker.

He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.


Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his
birthday.

Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.

Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year.

Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year.

Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your
birthday.

Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a
letter.


**************


Letter 1


Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday.

I want a red one.

Your friend,

Bobby


**************


Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year,

So he tore up the letter and started over.


**************


Letter 2


Dear God,


This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would like

A red bike for my birthday. Thank you.


Your friend,

Bobby


**************


Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and
started again.


**************


Letter 3


Dear God,


I have been an OK boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my
birthday.


Bobby


**************


Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a
fourth letter.


**************


Letter 4


God,


I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry.

I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday.

Please! Thank you,


Bobby


**************


Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a
bike.



Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he
wanted to go to church.

Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad.

Just be home in time for dinner, Bobby's mother told him.


Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner.

Little Bobby went into the church and up to the altar.

He looked around to see if anyone was there.



Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary.


He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the
street, into the house, and up to his room.


He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.


Bobby began to write his letter to God.


**************


Letter 5


God,


I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE
BIKE!!!!!!

Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin.On her wedding night, staying at her mothers house, she was very nervous.Her mother reassured her Dont worry, Maria, Tonys a good man. Go upstairs and hell take care of you. Meanwhile, Ill be making pasta.So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, Mama, Mama, Tonys got abig hairy chest.Dont worry, Maria, says the mother,all good men have hairy chests.Go upstairs. Hell take good care of you.So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother.Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and hes got hairy legs Dont worry All good men have hairy legs. Tonys a good man. Go upstairs and hell take good care of you. So, up she went again.When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.Mama, Mama, Tonys got a foot and a half Her Mama said,Stay here and stir the pasta

1) NUDITY


I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.


She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"


***********

2) OPINIONS


On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother.

The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."


***********

3) KETCHUP


A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.

During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."



***********

4) MORE NUDITY


A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room.


When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.


The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"


***********

5) POLICE # 1


While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform,


She asked, "Are you a cop?" Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right? "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"


***********

6) POLICE # 2


It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment,


My K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said," What'd he do?"


***********

7) ELDERLY


While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.


One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"


***********

8) DRESS-UP


A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."


"And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."


***********

9) DEATH


While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.


Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting , then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he gooooes."


***********

10) SCHOOL


A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother .. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"


***********

11) BIBLE


A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.


Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. ; ; "What have you got there, dear?"


With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear. "