Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday


***************



Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?


***************


Manager: Sorry, but I can't give you a job. I don't need much help.
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just theright person in this case.

You will see, I won't be of much help anyway!!


***************


Dad: Son, what do you want for your birthday?
Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it.


***************


Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!
Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.


***************


Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!
Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?


***************


Husband: You know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did , I still got mine with me!


***************


Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden!
Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it
Within three days, you can keep it.


***************


Father: Your teacher says she finds it
Impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Fred,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love,
Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the BODIES!
Love,
Fred

At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love,
Fred

A rabbit is being chased by a bear in the forest when the rabbit and bear both trip over a majic lamp. A genie appears and replies, "I shall grant you both three wishes, but i can never reverse them. Make your wishes."

The bear thinks for a moment, then replies, "Hey, I'm a pretty lonely bear, so I wish I was only male bear in Nova Scotia!"

The rabbit replies, fairly quickly, "I wish for a helmet."

The bear, half amused, makes his second wish. "I wish I was the only male bear in Canada!"

The rabbit answers, "I wish I had the fastest motorcycle in the world."

The bear, who was jumping around with excitement, yelled, "I wish I was the ONLY male bear in the UNIVERSE!"

As the rabbit put on his helmet and jumped on the motorcycle, and began to drive away, he yelled at the top of his rabbit lungs...

"I wish he was gay."

O man this stuff is great keep them coming

>How men change

The Love Word:
After 6 weeks: I love you, I love you, I love you!
After 6 months: Of course, I love you.
After 6 years: GOD, if I didn ' t love you, then why do you think I proposed?

Back from Work:
After 6 weeks: Honey, I ' m home!
After 6 months: I ' m BACK!!
After 6 years: Have you cooked?

Phone Ringing:
After 6 weeks: Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
After 6 months: Here, it ' s for you.
After 6 years: ANSWER THE PHONE!

Cooking:
After 6 weeks: I never knew food could taste so good!
After 6 months: What are we having for dinner tonight?
After 6 years: AGAIN!

New Dress:
After 6 weeks: Wow, you look like an angel in that dress.
After 6 months: You bought a new dress again?
After 6>years: How much did THAT cost me?

TV:
After 6 weeks: Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
After 6 months: I like this movie.
After 6 years: I 'm going to watch ESPN, if you 're not in the mood, go to bed,

I can stay up by myself!

This is priceless.....!
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15
years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out
of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife
to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then
gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he is in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!
He has probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman
in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't
resist, don't complain just do whatever he tells you. Satisfy
him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very
dangerous. If he gets angry, he could kill us both. Be strong
honey.

I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering
in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and
asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the
bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you,
too!"

LOL! aahaha great! made me think of the scenario all day long

One night a guy dropped his girlfriend at her home.


As they were about to wish each other goodnight at the front door, the guy started feeling a little in the mood.


With an air of confidence, he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, he said to her "Honey , would you give me a kiss?"


Horrified, she replied, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"



"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asked grinning at her.


"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"


" Oh come on!


There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!".


"No way , it's just too risky!"


"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?".


"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!".


"Oh yes you can. Please?"


"No, no. I just can't" "I'm begging you ... "


Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, and


The girl's elder sister showed up in her pajamas, hair dishevelled, And in a sleepy voice she said,


"Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it. Or if need Be, mom says she can come down herself and do it, but for God's sake and all of ours....


TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE DOOR BELL ........

here is some jokes for you to read

A man walks into a lawyer's office and enquires about the rates.
"Fifty pounds for three questions," replies the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully expensive?" asks the man. "Yes," replies the lawyer,
"and what was your third question?"


A Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking
and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling,
scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look
good, the smell was wonderful. So he asked the waiter, "What is that you just
served?" The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste!
Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck,
I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied,
"I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day because
there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow
and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy"!
So the next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order,
and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said,
"These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."


A man had great tickets for the World Cup final. As he sat down, another man came over and
asked if anyone was sitting in the seat next to him. "No," the first man replied. "The seat is empty."
"That's incredible!" said the second man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final,
the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?!?" The first man said, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me.
My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away.
This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that," replied the second man. "That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -
a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?" The first man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."


Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of the season", said Saint Peter, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into Heaven on this Holy Day.
" The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a holy candle," he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates," said Saint Peter. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said,
"They're bells." And Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates.
" The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
"What do these symbolize?" Saint Peter asked. The man replied, "They're Carol's."

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station, when he notices a l
ittle girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and
a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet
and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks," says the little girl.
Yet as the fire fighter looks a little closer, he notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar
and to the cat's testicles. "Little partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck,
but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster." The little girl replies,
"You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."


The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer now,' or,
'That's Michael. He's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."


A blind man enters a Ladies' Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very angry voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things: One - The bartender is a blonde girl.
Two - The bouncer is a blonde girl. Three - I'm a six-foot, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
Four - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
Five - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously,
Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,
"Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."


One day a mother was cleaning her son's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine.
This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.
He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word. Finally she asked him, "Well, what shall we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

The Phone Bill

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting.
Dad: People, this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone.

I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.

Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone
Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile

Maid: So what is the problem? We all use our work telephones

A man and his neighbor had been fighting like the Hattfields and McCoys for generations. One day, one of the men finds a magical lamp on his property and while he is polishing it up, a Genie appears.

The Genie looks at the man as says to him,

"Since you have freed me from my lamp, I will grant you three wishes. However, there is a catch. Whatever you wish for, your hated neighbor will receive double"

The man thinks about this for a moment and agrees to the Genies terms.

"Genie," he said "I would like a big beautiful summer home in Martha's Vinyard"

The genie replied, "You do realize this means your arch enemy will receive two right?"

"Yes, yes" said the man. And the Genie granted him the summer home and his neighbor recieved two.

"Genie, for my next wish, I'd like to have 10 million dollars" The genie blinked at the man, baffled by what he was saying, and said to him "Sir, you do realize that by asking me for 10 million dollars your neighbor will receive 20 million!?"

"Yes yes" said the man "I understand." And the Genie granted him his wish, and the neighbor received 20 million dollars.

"Ok, you now have a summer home and you are fabulously wealthy, what would you like for your third and final wish?"

The man smiled slowly, took one step forward and said to the Genie with a twinkle in his eye "Genie sir, I would like you to beat me half to death!"

This bloke is one of the funniest & coolest ever... Steven Wright...nuff said!

Two men met while both where looking for their lost wives.

1st: How yours look like?

2nd: She is 5"7, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. What about yours?

1st: Forget mine. Lets find yours!!

**********

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.

He shoots his friend to death.

Wife says, "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends ".

**********


What is the definition of Mistress?

Someone between the Mister and Mattress

**********

Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE??

"Without Information Fighting Everytime"

Wife replies," No, It means ,

"With Idiot For Ever !!!"

**********

Three Feelings:

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?

Stress is when wife is pregnant,

Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and

Panic is when both are pregnant.

**********

Teacher: u know the importance of period?

Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got heart attack & our driver ran away.

**********

Women asked man who is traveling with six children, all these kids are urs ???

No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints .

**********

Sons asks difference between confidence and confidential

Dad says, you are my son, I'm confident. Your friend is also my son, that's confidential!

**********

Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this is the right time we should talk about sex.

Daughter (Excitingly ): Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know.

Mother Faints... --

Three very macho mice are standing around trying to outdo each other.
The first mouse says: "You know those little pellets they put out around the house trying to poison us?
I love those things. I eat 'em like candy."
The second mouse, not to be outdone says: "Oh yeah? Well, you know those mousetraps they put out to try to catch us?
What I do is get on the trap, grab the cheese,
and then flip over onto my back, and when the steel bar comes swinging down, I grab it and do bench presses with it."
The third mouse says: "You guys are really a couple of tough mice, and I'd love to keep hangin' out with you here, but I gotta go screw the cat."



A navy chief and an Admiral are sitting in the barbershop…
They have both just finished having a shave, and the barber reaches for some aftershave.
"Hey! Don't put that stuff on me!" the Admiral shouts. "My wife will think I've been in a brothel!"
The chief turns to his barber and says: "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."



A visitor at an asylum asks the director what the criteria are for defining whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.
"Well," says the director, "we fill up a bathtub; then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," says the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket as it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," says the director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed by the wall or near the window?"



A man walks to the corner of Oxford Street and Regent Street in London during a downpour and somehow manages to get a taxi straight away.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says: "Perfect timing. You're just like Stevie"
"Who?" says the man.
"Stevie Jones. He was a guy who did everything right. Like my taxi being vacant during a rainstorm. It would have happened for Stevie."
"Well no one is perfect. There are always a few clouds over everybody," the man replies.
"Not Stevie," says cabbie. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have turned professional at golf or tennis and he danced like a West End star. He was handsome and sophisticated, more than George Clooney. He had a better body than Arnold Schwarzenegger in his prime. He was something!"
"Somehow Stevie just new exactly how to make women happy," the cabbie continues.
"He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out."
"No wonder you remember him!" says the man.
"I never actually met Stevie," admits cabbie.
"Then how do you know so much about him?" asks the man.
"After he died I married his wife."



Having finally committed to sending troops to Iraq, the French have ordered a new national flag.
It's a white cross on a white background.



Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!”
The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”
The other says, “Go home dad, you’re drunk.”

Sky has just won the rights to screen the first World Origami Championships from Tokyo.
Unfortunately, it's only available on paper view.



A woman walks into a bar with her 5 pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this guy,
whom she notices is feeling a little bit queasy. A few minutes go buy and the guy looks at her and blows his chunks.
He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vomit and says, "Whoa, I don't remember eating that!"



A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner.
The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?" The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."



A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "130." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool." Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man responded, "120." So the robot started talking about the super bowl, dirt bikes, and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool."
A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "80." The robot then said, "So, how are things in Alabama these days?"



Man walks into a bar, has a seat and asks for two double shots. He knocks one back and tosses the second into his vest pocket.
This goes on for about a dozen rounds before the bartender says, "Excuse me, but I'm curious as to why you knock back one drink and toss the other into your vest pocket?" The man says, "That's none of your damn business." A mouse pops out of the vest pocket and yells." And that goes for your damn cat too!"



Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua.
As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink." T
he guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the bar and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed."
The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?" The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." The bouncer said, "OK then, come on in."
The buddy with the Chihuahua figured he'd try it too so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar. He knew his story would be a bit more unbelievable. Once again the bouncer said,
"Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?" The man with the Chihuaua said, "A Chihuahua?!? A Chihuahua?!? They gave me a damn Chihuahua???"



Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.

Edit; removed text. Last warning limerickboi

Why are pirates called pirates?





They just arrrrrrrrrrrrrr...

good old parrot jokes -



A lady was walking to work and she saw a parrot in a cage in front of the pet store.
The parrot said to her,"Hey lady, you are really ugly."
Well, the lady was furious! She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot who once again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
Well, she was incredibly ticked now!
The next day she saw the parrot and it said to her, yet again, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue them and kill that damned bird...
The store manager said, "I am so sorry, ma'am," and promised the parrot wouldn't say it again.
The next day, the lady walked past the store after work and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady..."
She paused and said, "Yes?"
The parrot said, "You know."


David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive.
Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least rude.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example...
Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming - then suddenly there was quiet.
David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did?"



This guy walks into a pet store. For the past two weeks he has suspected his wife of cheating on him, so he decides to buy a parrot that can tell him what goes on at his house during the day while he is at work.
'Well' says the pet store owner, 'I only got one bird that can do that, but he's got no legs. The guy looks at him and says, 'Well if he ain't got no legs, how's he balance himself on the perch.
'He's got a really long penis, so he wraps it around the perch.' The guy thinks it over and decides to buy the parrot.
He takes it home and sure enough the bird wraps his penis around the perch for balance.
Everyday the man comes home and asks the parrot if his wife has been cheating on him. Every time the same answer, 'Raawk, nothing doing, Raawk'.
Well, one day he comes home and finds the parrot lying on the bottom of its birdcage. He picks it up and asks what has happened. 'Raawk, big happenings, Raawk, big happenings'.
'Well, what happened?' asks the man. The parrot responds, 'Raawk, first your best friend came over, Raawk, then your wife made him breakfast, raawk, then they started kissing, raawk, then your wife took off her shirt.
'And, and, then what happens?' asks the man really upset. 'Raawk, I don't know, that's when I got a woody and fell off my perch!'

Actual court cases!!

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________

And the best for last

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,


Although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife,


"Honey, I'll be right back... " "Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.


"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer. "


The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.


The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, loolie loolie...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..." He didn't get to finish the sentence,


Because the wife interrupted him by saying,


"You want a frozen glass, puppy face ?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.


The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?"


She opened the oven and took out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.


"But sweet honey... At the bar... You know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that ..." "You want dirty words, Cutie pie?...


LISTEN UP, d*******! DRINK YOUR F**KING BEER IN YOUR GOD-DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERF**KING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING NYWHERE! GOT IT, A**HOLE?" ....


And, they lived happily ever after.

A blind man was standing on the corner with his dog when the dog raised his leg and wet on the man's trouser leg. The man reached in his pocket and took out a doggie biscuit. A busy body who had been watching ran up to him and said, "You shouldn't do that. He'll never learn anything if you reward him when he does something like that!". The blind man retorted, "I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find his mouth so that I can kick him in the ass".

A Spanish teacher
was explaining to her class
that in Spanish, unlike English,
nouns are designated as either
masculine or feminine.

"House"
for instance,
is feminine:
"la casa."

"Pencil,"
however,
is masculine:
"el lapiz."

A student asked,
"What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer,
the teacher split the class into two groups,
male and female,
and asked them to decide
for themselves whether
"computer"
should be
a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked
to give four reasons
for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that
"computer"
should definitely be
of the feminine gender
("la computadora"),
because:
1. No one but their creator
understands their internal logic;

2. The native language
they use to communicate
with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes
are stored in long term memory
for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make
a commitment to one,
you find yourself spending
half your paycheck
on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group,
however, concluded
that computers should be Masculine
("el computador"),
because:
1. In order to do anything
with them,
you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data
but still can't think for themselves;

3 They are supposed
to help you solve problems,
but half the time
they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one,
you realize that if you
had waited a little longer,
you could have gotten
a better model.

The women won

There are 52 pages, I am not reading through all that, so If this has already been posted, I apologize.

Top ten why men prefer guns over woman...

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason
#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN

Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what;
metal,

wood,

stone,

Anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted, and the prince went away sadly .
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess,

"Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.

And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the prince's pants?

(Scroll down for the answer)



V





V







M&M`S of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.





What were you thinking??

A man walked into a bar.
Ouch! It was an iron bar.
---------------------------
A seal walked into a club ...

A skeleton walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a beer and a mop!"

Lol! That has to be the funniest joke ever!
Ok, I've got some. Sorry if they've already been told:



Three men are sitting on top of a building. They are construction workers. The first guy opens his lunchbox and says,
"A turkey sandwhich? If I get a turkey sandwhich one more time I'm going to jump off this building and kill myself!" The second man opens his lunchbox and says,
"A ham sandwhich? If I get a ham sandwhich one more time I'm going to jump off this building and kill myself!" The last guy then opens his lunchbox and says,
"A Peanut Butter sandwhich? If I get a Peanut Butter sandwhich one more time I'm going to jump off this building and kill myself!"
The next day they all got the same things, so, true to their word, they jumped off the building.
At the funeral the wife of the first man said,
"If I'd known he didn't like Turkey I would have made him Pizza or something else!"
The wife of the second man says,
"If I'd known he didn't like ham I would have made him a hotdog or something else!"
Then they all look expectantly to the wife of the third man. She looks at them and says,
"Don't look at me! He packs his own lunch!"



Three boys are walking down the sidewalk one day, when they see a big, red 'X' painted on the next block. An old man stands by the 'X', so they ask him what it means.
The old man says that anybody who steps on the 'X' will have to be married to the ugliest woman in the world. The first boy whispers to the other two,
"He's probably lying. He probably wants the surprise to himself."
So he goes and steps on the 'X'. Then POOF, he is married to an ugly woman.
The second boy still isn't conviced, so he too steps on the 'X'. Then POOF, he is married to an even uglier woman.
The third boy is standing over there laughing his head off when POOF, suddenly he is married to a beautiful woman. The two boys who are married to the ugly ones turn to the old man and ask,
"How did he get a beautiful woman?"
The beautiful woman looks at them and says,
"I stepped on the 'X'"



A man named Peter is in the hospital, dying. He says to a nurse,
"Please call my friend James. I want to see him before I die."
So the nurse does, and James comes to see Peter. They begin to talk about Football, baseball, and other things a man in the hospital might not be up to date on. Suddenly Peter reaches over to his nightstand, grabs a piece of paper, scribbles something down, hands it to James, then dies.
Later, at his funeral James realizes he is wearing the same jacket he was wearing the last day he saw Peter. He finds the note in the pocket, which he never read. He says to everybody else,
"This is a note Peter gave me right before he died," he then reads it out-loud, "James, You are standing on my oxygen tube!"



A woman who has died of a heart attack is having her coffin carried out the door to be buried when the coffin carriers bump it into a wall. Suddenly there are yelling and scratching noises coming from the coffin. They open it up and find her, very much alive.
She lives for ten more years, then dies again. On the way out the door with the coffin, the husband of the woman screames out to the coffin carriers, "Watch out for that wall!"



A Mexican, an Italian, and an American are sitting on top of a building. The Mexican opens up his lunchbox and says,
"A taco! There are to many of these in this country," and he throws it off the building. The Italian opens his up and says,
"A Pizza! There are to mmany of these in this country," and he throws it off the building. The American walks over to the other two and looks in digust at them, then says,
"A Mexican! There are to many of these in this country!"...(Want to guess what happened next?)

ok here is a good blonde joke......
A blonde, red head, and brunette are driving in a convertible with the top down. they are going across a bridge when the bridge collapses the car is sent in the water with the 3 girls. the brunette and red head go out the top and to the shore to safety. 2 minutes later the blonde comes, and the red head and the brunette ask "what took u so long?¿" . the blonde replies "the door was stuck"

Here are a few more:


A college student got a summer job playing a knight at a Renaissance festival in New Jersey. Every morning he got up, put on his costume of chain mail, and strapped a 36-inch sword around his waist. Then, so he wouldn't look too weird on mass transit, he pulled on a long duster that reached to his ankles and covered his costume.
After a long day of jousting and rescuing damsels at the festival, the student caught a late train to New York. By the time he got on a subway for the final leg of the journey back to his apartment, it was nearly 1 a.m., and he was the only passenger in his subway car.
Suddenly, between stations, a door at the end of the car crashed open. A hulking mugger with a knife in his hand ran up to the student, pulled him to his feet and held the knife in front of his face.
"I've got six inches of steel that says you're going to give me your wallet," the mugger said.
The student reached inside his coat and pulled out his sword.
"I'll see your six inches," he said, "and raise you thirty."




A man was taking his daily, early morning run pn the narrow jogging path around New York's Central Park Reservoir. Suddenly another jogger coming from the opposite direction clipped him, almost knocking him off his feet. The man regained his balance, then checked his pocket for his wallet. It was gone.
He sprinted after the runner, caught up to him, and grabbed him by the shoulder.
"Hand over the wallet! he demanded in the loudest, nastiest voice he could muster.
The runner looked frightened and gave the man the wallet immediately.
His adrenaline pumping and his ego swelling by the minute, the man ran two miles more than usual, then headed for his apartment. He took the stairs instead of the elevator annd ran into his apartment, sweaty, out of breath, but still flushed from the excitement.
From the kitchen his wife called,
"I thought you'd come back sooner. Didn't you notice you forgot to take your wallet?"




A 19-year-old lived with his parents and went to college near thair house. One night, while walking home late someone grabbed him from behind and held a gun to his head.
"Get in your car and drive me to your house and you won't get hurt," the gunman said.
The boy was frightened and did was he was told. At the house the theif ordered the boy into the cellar, where he tied and gagged him. The boy lay there, helpless until his parents arrived an hour later.
The theif had stolen televisions, stereos, computers, jewelry, silverware, and the boy's prize possession-his Versace sweater.
A week later, the police called the family to announce that they had arrested a suspect. They wanted the boy to come up to the station and identify him in a line-up.
When the boy looked through the glass he recognized the theif immediately.
"That's him," he told the detective. "The second on the right."
"That was fast, son," the detective said. "How can you be so sure?"
"Because he's wearing my sweater."




Police in LA arrested a man for armed robbery. A couple of hours later the victim came to the police station to identify the perpetrator.
The suspect was placed in a line-up with five other men.
"The man who robbed me was wearing a ski mask," the victim said. "I never saw his face, but I'd know his voice anywhere."
The detective who was running the line-up ordered each man to say, "Give me the money or I'll kill you!"
One of the suspects refused.
"And what makes you better than everybody else?" The detective asked him.
The man answered, "Because that's not what I said!"

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .." He sighed......... ....... "Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living

room and I said to her, " I never want to live in a

vegetative state, dependant on some machine and

fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull

the plug"...


She got up and unplugged the TV and threw out my beer.





Will

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."

The Preacher explains that he must move on to a large Congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims: "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!" The congregation sighs in appreciation, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says: "If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!" More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the preacher stays, I will give him sex," There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to
side while his wife replies: "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said......

"Screw the Preacher."

After a woman meets a man in a bar, they talk and end up leaving together.
They get back to his flat, and as he's showing her around, she notices that
his bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of them -
all arranged in size, from the smallest on the shelves along the floor,
to the huge daddy bears on the very top shelf. Although surprised,
the woman decides not to mention this to him. After an intense night of passion,
as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over a
nd asks smiling, "How was it?", "Well," says the man, frowning.
"You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."

An Eskimo is out for a drive one day when his car breaks down
and he is forced to call out the Alaskan AA. The Eskimo stands
in the howling wind and waits for the mechanic to arrive.
When the mechanic reaches the broken car, he sets to work,
looking under the bonnet until he appears to have located the problem.
He looks up at the Eskimo and says, "You've blown a seal, mate.
" To which the Eskimo hastily replies, "No, I haven't. That's just frost on my moustache."

im sure this has been said before but,

what kind of infections do hospitals get? staff infections.

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out driving on the interstate at top speed when he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and sped up even more. Then the reality of the situation hit him, "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, it is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

A man is just about to get a CD out of a cabinet when the phone in the kitchen rings.

"Hello," says the man answering it.

"Hi," says a high woman's voice. "This is Tiffany the housekeeper."

"Oh," says the man. "Hi Tiffany."

"Hi, Mr. Birschman. Sorry to call so late. I figured you'd be back later, so I planned to leave a message. You see, I had a problem when I was cleaning the bedroom."

"What sort of a problem?"

"Well, when I was trying to make your bed, your envelope of emergency money, you know, the one you keep under the matress, it fell out."

"Well, what's the problem, Tiffany?"

"Well, I wasn't sure just where to put it back, so I just put it under the bottom left corner. Is that okay?"

"Yes. Thank you for telling me that, Tiffany. I appreciate it."

"Oh, also, when I was vacuuming the living room, I found that diamond ring you've been missing."

"That's wonderful, Tiffany! By the way, where did you put it?"

"In the jewelry box on the dresser, of course!"

"And how did you lock it?"

"First I turned the key to the right, then I pulled it out and tried the top to make sure it was locked," says the housekeeper, revealing how well she remembered his instructions.

"Good! And where did you put the key?"

"In the top right cabinet in the kitchen, under the good china."

"Fantastic!" says the man, impressed.

"Oh, and I took the courtesy of wrapping the keys to the Porsche in that adorable little box. I know your wife is going to be so surprised."

"Stupendous. Thank you so much, Tiffany. You are really a great housekeeper."

"Thank you, Mr. Birschman, and have a nice night."

"You too, Tiffany. Good night."

The man hangs up the phone, turns to his buddy, and says with a grin, "This is going to be the easiest robbery ever!"

Received from Moody.

Somebody just sent me this via the internet.


IRISH HUMOUR , at its best


At a U2 concert in Ireland, Bono asks the audience to be quiet. Then in the
silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.
Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone...

"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
A voice from near the front of the audience pierces the silence...

"F**kin stop doing it then!"

Heres a few 'very politically incorrect' ones (apologies in advance).

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a police identity line up for a particularly nasty rape case,the woman walks in the room and the Irishman shouts "Thats her!"


Why do hippotamuses have sex underwater?
Well have you ever tried to keep a three foot clitoris wet?


The president of Iran is sat next to George Bush at the UN.
The president of Iran turns to George and says "Look George,you know I hate Americans, but my son realy likes Star Trek and hes got a question for you, is that alright?"
"Sure "says George.
"Well he wants to know why,on the Starship Enterprise, theres a Scotsman,a Russian,a Chineseman and a coloured lady but no Iranians, why is that?"
"Because its set in the future"says George.

Now, as you know, after a bull is killed by a matador in Spain, it is sent to the butcher's to be carved up. The most prized parts of the bull are the testicles, and these are sold to restaurants. As it happens, a man living in Madrid was quite partial to bull's testicles, and would go out to his local restaurant for dinner most evenings, and eat some delicious, big bull's testicles in a really nice sauce.
However, one day he goes to the restaurant and the testicles are really small. Still tasty, and in the same nice sauce, but really titchy. So he asks the waiter, 'Why are the testicles so small today? They're usually really big,' to which the waiter replies:

'Sí, señor, but....sometimes, the bull wins.'

A Jewish couple on vacation in China, stop at a restaurant to rest.
The wife is enjoying the moment, ask her husband if he has been enjoying
thier trip. Yes! but have you noticed that there wasn't a synagogue
anywhere?
As she think about it, the waiter arrives. "May I be of service!" The
wife says "Yes, is there any chinese jews here! The waiter scratch her head.
"Let me talk to the cook." She comes back and says "No sorry, no chinese
jews. All we have is Apple juice, orange juice, and grape juice!

ok didnt know if these had been posted aleady as i havent had time to ead all of it

two irish men in a plane paddy and mick

they ascend to 5000 ft when mick tuns to paddy

'paddy if we tun upside down will we fall out'

paddy replies 'nah mick we'll always be fiends'


two irish men making letterbombs
one says to the other 'do you think
weve put enough explosives in' .

i dont know open it and check replied the other.
but it will explode he retorts.

dont be stupid its not addresed to you ..



two old people meet in a bar and get chatting
there is a mutual attaction and they decide to go back to his apartment

they have coffee and then move to the bedroom where they have sex
after they have finished they both lie there for a moment thinking

hes thinking 'if id known she was a virgin id have been more sensitive

shes thinking *if id known he could still get it up id have taken my tights off'

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around
the block?" Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." "What does that
mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he is in the
garage."

The little girl went to the garage and asked "Dad, may I take Susie for
a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Susie was in
heat, and to come talk to you."

Dad said, " Bring Susie over here" He took a rag, soaked it with
gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it and said, "Okay, you
can go now, but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the
block." The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with NO
DOG on the leash.

Dad asked, "Where is Susie?"

The little girl said, "She will be here in a minute, she ran out of gas
about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home."

There's a former Polish fighter pilot who flew in WWII giving a lecture at a school, and telling the children about one of his war experiences. 'Vell,' he says, 'I vas flying over ze Channel ven I saw two Fokkers flying tovards me. Zey opened fire, and I returned it. I managed to shoot von of zem down, but ze uzzer hit me and I vas forced to fly back to France as fast as I could. Luckily he chose not to follow me and I made it safely.'
At this point the headteacher cuts in, saying, 'I think you ought to know, children, that a Fokker was a German fighter plane in World War II.'

The Pole shakes his head. 'No, no,' he says, 'Zese fokkers vere both Messerschmitts.'

Q: Whats the last thing to go through a bugs mind just before it slams into your windscreen?







A: It's ass.

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

A man visiting a graveyard saw a tomb stone that read; Here lies John Smith a lawyer and an honest man; How about that he exclaimed they,ve got three people buried in the same grave!