A question was asked from the audience to a chef with a sense of humor.
"When is it the best time to take the chicken out of the freezer?"
Chef response. "When it stops scratching the freezer door!"
Full Version: Official Unified Jokes Thread
Okay, I'm an amateur at jokes, but in real life, they make my family laugh like crazy.
Two people are talking abut inventions. The first man says, "I invented something." He pulls out a little item that looks like a dream catcher and shows it to the other guy.
The second guy says, "It looks like an ordinary dream catcher." The first man smiles. "No, no, my good friend..." The second guy looks at it carefully. "What the heck is it then?"
The first guy replies, "It's a wet dream catcher."
Two people are talking abut inventions. The first man says, "I invented something." He pulls out a little item that looks like a dream catcher and shows it to the other guy.
The second guy says, "It looks like an ordinary dream catcher." The first man smiles. "No, no, my good friend..." The second guy looks at it carefully. "What the heck is it then?"
The first guy replies, "It's a wet dream catcher."
This is one of my favorite jokes to tell, usually in a coffeeshop with my friends.
Jack and Joe went for bicycling. Jack rode a nice red mountain bike and Joe got yellow. Suddenly Joe stopped and without any word, he unscrew his back tire, causing the air to come out of his tire and turn them flat. Jack stopped and asking "What're you doing Joe?",
replied Joe, "Well, my saddle was abit too high!".
Jack and Joe went for bicycling. Jack rode a nice red mountain bike and Joe got yellow. Suddenly Joe stopped and without any word, he unscrew his back tire, causing the air to come out of his tire and turn them flat. Jack stopped and asking "What're you doing Joe?",
replied Joe, "Well, my saddle was abit too high!".
Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny, her friend who sat behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class. Mary Margaret went back to sleep.
A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
But, Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret.
And, the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
Toward the end of the day, the Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her 23rd child?"
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The Nun fainted...
"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny, her friend who sat behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class. Mary Margaret went back to sleep.
A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
But, Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret.
And, the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
Toward the end of the day, the Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her 23rd child?"
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The Nun fainted...
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A
huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the
service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled
inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful
heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When
all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my
own funeral.........I'm a gynecologist
The proctologist fainted.
huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the
service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled
inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful
heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When
all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my
own funeral.........I'm a gynecologist
The proctologist fainted.
QUOTE(She-ra @ Jul 25 2007, 04:42 PM) 
Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny, her friend who sat behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class. Mary Margaret went back to sleep.
A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
But, Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret.
And, the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
Toward the end of the day, the Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her 23rd child?"
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The Nun fainted...
"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny, her friend who sat behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class. Mary Margaret went back to sleep.
A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
But, Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret.
And, the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
Toward the end of the day, the Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her 23rd child?"
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The Nun fainted...
ROFL LMAO
these are funny way to annoy people
1. Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go."
2. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
3. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub."
4.Name your dog "Dog."
5. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
6. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
7. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
8. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
9. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
10. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
11. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
12. Tell 1-800 operators they sound gay and ask for a date.
13. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
14. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
15. Order a side of pork rinds with your fillet mignon.
16. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
17. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climatic parts of rental movies.
18. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
19. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
20. Repeat everything someone says as a question.
21. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's road maps.
22. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination, UFO, and OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.
23. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?", "What?", "Never mind, it's gone now."
24. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
25. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
26. At the Laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
27. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling as they read.
28. Ask people what gender they are.
29. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
30. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
31. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
32. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
33. Change your name to "John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
34. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
35. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
36. Wear a lot of cologne.
37. Listen to 33RPM records at 45RPM speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
38. Sing along at the opera.
39. Mow your lawn with scissors.
40. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhwing-batter!"
41. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
42. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
43. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
44. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
45. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
46. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
47. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
48. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
49. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
50. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
51. Practice making fax and modem noises.
52. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss.
53. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."
54. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
55. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
56. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
57. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
58. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
59. Honk and wave to strangers.
60. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
61. type only in lowercase.
62. dont use any punctuation either
63. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
64. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
65. Sing the theme to the Batman television show as loudly as you can, over and over and over..
66. Tell people their accent isn't fooling anyone.
67. Drum on every available surface.
68. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
69. Set alarms for random times.
70. Learn Morse code and have conversations with friends in public consisting of "Beeeep bip bip beeeep bip.."
71. Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
72. Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.
73. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
74. Wear your pants backwards.
75. Begin all your sentences with "Ohh la la!"
76. Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music."
77. Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-landscape mode.
78. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
79. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
80. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
81. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
82. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
83. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
84. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
85. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
86. Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
87. Sing the "This is the song that never ends" song from Lampchop's Play-Along.
88. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
89. Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk into it.
90. Drive half a block.
91. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
92. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a southern drawl.
93. "Forget" the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
94. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes."
95. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad," the Archies' "Sugar," or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
96. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
97. Ask to "interface" with someone.
98. Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."
99. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
100. Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
101. Never make eye contact.
102. Never break eye contact.
103. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, pronouncing the results.
104. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
105. Occasionally bark in a high-pitched voice.
106. Say "okay, you're gay" to anything someone says.
107. As people talk, smell their shoulders.
108. When in a conversation, look out the window, then say "Wait, start over. I wasn't paying attention."
109. Say to people, "Did you wear deodorant today?"
110. Place your shoes on the table.
111. When talking to someone, look at a spot about two inches to their right.
112. When standing near a "high-class person," ask them, "Excuse me, but do I have a booger hanging on my nose? I thought I picked it off."
113. Switch your neighbor's lawn furniture with someone else's.
114. Call into work and tell them you have something better to do today.
115. Buy goldfish and ask the clerk if they come with chips.
116. Sample every flavor of ice cream and tell the clerk what you don't like about each one.
117. Pick your ear wax and ask if you could use their sleeve to wipe it off.
118. Insist completely ridiculous things are true - like Bush is still President.
119. Speak in a strong Welsh accent.
120. Wear odd shoes.
121. Learn "Ice Ice Baby" by heart and recite it endlessly.
122. Disagree strongly with everything anybody says.
123. Throw stones at people walking past your house.
124. Keep changing the TV channel every two seconds.
125. Insist that Celine Dion is better than the Beatles.
126. Whenever anyone says something, laugh loudly as if they have just told and extremely funny joke.
127. Phone McDonald's and try to make a reservation for that evening.
128. Spend an entire weekend pretending you are R2-D2.
129. Phone random numbers and tell them you are holding their daughter hostage.
130. Recite the first 4,000 decimal places of Pi. Then ask if people want to hear it in binary, too.
131. Pretend you have gone completely deaf.
132. .sdrawkcab etirW
133. Walk into people's houses, go straight to the fridge without saying hello, and help yourself to their food.
134. Speak so quietly that people always have to get you to repeat it.
135. Loudly recite people's most embarrassing secrets in restaurants.
136. Play the electric guitar very loudly and badly, then when the neighbors ask you to turn it down, play even louder. When they come round to complain again, say, "Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you asked me to turn it up!
137. Try to fit the word "cornucopia" into every sentence you say.
138. Drive on the wrong side of the road.
139. Secretly learn to play the piano, then go to a friend's house who has a piano. Claim you've never played before then play Jesu Joy of Man's Desiring perfectly the first time. Then say, "I guess I must kinda be a natural."
140. Go canoeing and sing the Hawaii Five-0 theme.
141. Claim that until recently, you thought Michael Jackson was a woman.
142. Wear your cap backwards and say "Yo, wazzup?" a lot.
143. Go to a Metallica concert wearing a Michael Bolton T-Shirt.
144. Tell everyone you are Bill Clinton's cousin.
145. Take photos of people walking down the street and then run away.
146. Dedicate your life to politics, become president of the United States, then raise all taxes to 90%.
147. Down a can of Coke in one drink and then burp loudly.
148. Insist that it was Bobby who shot J.R.
149. Bark like a dog whenever anyone says the word "the."
150. Wire up people's cars so the horn comes on as soon as their car is started.
151. Ride a unicycle to work.
152. E-mail Microsoft to tell them about bugs in Windows XP that aren't actually there.
153. Stare at people for about five minutes, making sure they know you're staring at them. Then, slowly sneak up to them while humming the Mission: Impossible theme. Sniff their head, then run away. Repeat.
154. Continuously mumble during a conversation.
155. Take off the eraser to every pencil in your house, or better yet, someone else's house.
156. When in a chat room, spell everything incorrectly.
157. Insist on "Weird Al" sing-a-longs.
158. On a hot summer day, ride up and down the road and drench pedestrians with squirt guns.
159. When walking down a main road, act like a drunk.
160. Wear nothing but white and go mud wrestling.
161. Walk up to someone eating. Lean over and stare at them intently until they notice. Continue to do so until they ask what you're doing. Reply, "I've been watching you eat for the last 30 seconds.. You're weird!" Leave the restaurant.
162. When walking, talk to yourself constantly.
163. Move people's bookmarks ahead three pages when they aren't looking.
164. Call the operator. When asked, "Can I help you?" reply, "No thanks, just browsing."
165. Go to a gumball machine insert coins until you have a matching pair of fake eyeballs. After attaining these, record the theme song of The Twilight Zone over and over again. Drive down the street wearing the eyeballs and playing The Twilight Zone theme very loud. When you get pulled over, leap into the passenger's seat and claim, "He was here a minute ago, officer!"
166. On a night other than Halloween, get a few friends together and dress like Jason from Friday the 13th. Have each of you stand a mile apart on a highway.
167. After visiting the local donut shop, sit on the floor cross-legged and insist in a childish voice that you haven't received enough chocolate sprinkles.
168. Push a raisin into someone's cream-filled donut. (I don't get this one.)
169. Spread fertilizer on half your neighbor's lawn.
170. Add A535 (liquid heat) to that little hole down the center of someone's anti-perspirant.
171.
172.
173. Add blank entries to lists, to make it look like it's longer.
174. Call every pager number you know and leave the number for your local McDonald's.
175. Wash and scrub the trees in your front lawn.
176. Throw newspapers back at paperboys.
177. Tell people their fly is down when they're wearing sweat pants.
178. Stand on a busy corner. Gasp, look and point up. See how many people look.
179. At random times in a conversation, say "Hi," "Hello Sir, how are you?" or "Have a good day, thank you."
180. Put electrical tape over the headlights of someone's car.
181. Walk up to random strangers insisting you are family.
182. Dress like a "High-class rich person" and wash windows at random street corners. Demand a dollar in a British accent.
183. When a cop pulls you over, when they step up to your car, drive forward slowly and make them walk. Especially if it's raining.
184. In an office, lock all the doors behind you.
185. Face the back when standing in an elevator.
186. Grin so wide it hurts your cheeks at every salesperson in town.
187. When at an ATM, try to have a conversation with it, or pretend it stole your card. (This works best if there's a line.)
188. Unbend all the paperclips you can find, then replace every eraser you can find with a rubber band.
189. Ask people to prove everything they say. (e.g. "I'm Bob, nice to meet you..." "PROVE IT!")
190. Sharpen All your pencils to the same size EXACTLY.
191. Answer every question with another question. As soon as one of you says a statement instead of a question, shout "I win!".
192. Pose as a client at a bank or other professional institution, and when you are seated in front of their desk, keep rearranging the items on top into different patterns and tell them you are "just reorganizing things."
193. Instead of singing 99 bottles of beer on the wall, sing 999,999,999 bottles of beer on the wall!
194. Call every girl you know "dude".
195. Recite every song from the Playstation games PaRappa the Rapper and Um Jammer Lammy.
196. Bring a portable CD player to a concert and listen the CD because you insist that it is "Just better quality"
197. Press the "power" button on on someone's computer or keyboard when they're almost finished typing up a long essay, story etc. Apologize sincerely, claiming that you thought it was the focus adjustment.
198. Call 911 and breathe heavily.
199. Take a shower. Feel guilty. Give it back.
200. Mow your carpet. (Or preferably somebody else's)
201. Vacuum your lawn. (See note on 200)
202. Recite shakespearian poetry to everyone you meet.
203. Go to McDonalds and ask for a BK Whopper.
204. Order a pizza and ask them if they can "please put the crust on top this time" in an exasperated voice.
205. Every time someone asks you to do something or says something to you ask "Is that a threat?"
206. When in an elevator, in different voices, shout out random floors, and then watch as you get there, no one gets off.
207. Also, when riding up an elevator with a stranger, start singing a song that everyone knows, then expect them to start singing too. If they do not start singing, insist, "Everyone knows that song. Are you stupid?"
208. While walking make car noises loudly (Such as changing gears).
209. Whenever somebody says something, ask what the simplest word they said means. When they explain, ask what the simplest word in their explanation means. Repeat this for the entire conversation.
210. Go up to a someone and say, "Are you annoyed by irrelevant questions?" And then walk away very quickly.
211. Finish each sentence with "Monkey See, Monkey Do".
212. Click your mechanical pencils or your pens during a test in school.
213. Pretend you are invisible.
214. Convince people you are deaf and talk in an incredibly phony sign language.
215. Spend all day at a fast food restaurant and see how long it takes before you have to pay for your "free" refills.
216. Continuously open your briefcase or bag and say into it, "Have you got enough air in there?"
217. While going down in an elevator scream, "AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!! WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!" for no apparent reason.
218. Call everyone a communist.
219. Explain "the little green men" in detail to someone, and when they don't believe you, accuse them of being one in disguise.
220.. Call your neighbors collect.
221. Whenever someone finishes a sentence say, "And then what happened?"
222. Page yourself over an intercom, but don't disguise your voice.
223. Send people annoying chain forwards with outrageous consequences like "If you don't send this to 300 people in 4 seconds you will die instantly" and then insist that it is true and it happened to your uncle.
224. When walking push an invisible cart and make loud squeaky noises.
225. Walk up to random people and ask them, very seriously, "Do you know the muffin man?"
226. Clear your throat every three or four words while speaking.
227. Look at your hand in amazement and say, "Whoa, I never knew I had this!"
228. While driving if you see a "How am I driving" bumper sticker, call the number and inform the operator that the driver is doing a great job.
229. When driving with companions in the car, every few seconds slam on the brakes and insist that a squirrel ran in front of you.
230. When driving with companions in the car, every few seconds slam on the brakes and insist that a squirrel ran in front of you.
231. Whenever anybody says anything to you. Respond by saying, "I know."
232. Sending this list to all of your friends through email.
233. Continue to ask someone, "Is this annoying? Is this annoying?" over and over and over.
234. Tap someone on the shoulder repeatedly.
235. Begin every sentence with, "By the Gods!"
236. When you're in an argument, no matter what it's about, keep yelling "I don't see your name on it!".
237. When in public, pretend you are selling something in an infomercial.
238. At a restaurant, repeatedly send your food back for changes and after awhile insist that, "This isn't what I ordered!"
239. Go to a shoe store and try on every shoe, then say that you aren't interested in buying shoes and leave.
240. Put powdered sugar in your hair, sit down next to a stranger, and scratch your head a lot.
241. Turn on the Talk Radio Stations in your car, roll down your windows, and headbang.
242. Walk around with a plastic sword and shield and tell strangers "I must avenge the death of my father."
243. Scotch tape your door as an Anti-theft Device.
244. Super Glue quarters to floors.
245. Put the wrong date and year on the papers you hand in to your teachers.
246. Call random numbers and say "Hi, this is Julie from Basken Robins. If you can name 31 flavors in 31 seconds you get a free scoop."
247. WRIGHT N AL CAPITOL LETERS AND MISSSSSPEL EVRYTHIND!!!
248. Get two cell phones and talk to yourself on them in front of other people.
249. Make a loud and abrupt noise when nobody is looking, then face the other direction when everybody looks your way, pretending the sound came from behind you. (Thanks Alex)
250. Llend a book to someone, but staple the middle together.
251) Llend someone a book, but rip out the climax.
252) When making a list use the same number twice.
253) Spel easy wordds rong.
253) Pronunce people's names wrong everytime you meet them.
254) Laugh at everything they say.
255) Never laugh at what they say.
256) When talking to someone, tilt your head to the side.
257) Snicker at what someone said and say "I got the movie reference".
1. Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go."
2. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
3. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub."
4.Name your dog "Dog."
5. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
6. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
7. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
8. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
9. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
10. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
11. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
12. Tell 1-800 operators they sound gay and ask for a date.
13. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
14. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
15. Order a side of pork rinds with your fillet mignon.
16. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
17. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climatic parts of rental movies.
18. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
19. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
20. Repeat everything someone says as a question.
21. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's road maps.
22. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination, UFO, and OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.
23. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?", "What?", "Never mind, it's gone now."
24. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
25. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
26. At the Laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
27. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling as they read.
28. Ask people what gender they are.
29. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
30. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
31. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
32. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
33. Change your name to "John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
34. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
35. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
36. Wear a lot of cologne.
37. Listen to 33RPM records at 45RPM speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
38. Sing along at the opera.
39. Mow your lawn with scissors.
40. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhwing-batter!"
41. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
42. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
43. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
44. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
45. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
46. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
47. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
48. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
49. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
50. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
51. Practice making fax and modem noises.
52. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss.
53. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."
54. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
55. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
56. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
57. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
58. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
59. Honk and wave to strangers.
60. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
61. type only in lowercase.
62. dont use any punctuation either
63. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
64. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
65. Sing the theme to the Batman television show as loudly as you can, over and over and over..
66. Tell people their accent isn't fooling anyone.
67. Drum on every available surface.
68. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
69. Set alarms for random times.
70. Learn Morse code and have conversations with friends in public consisting of "Beeeep bip bip beeeep bip.."
71. Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
72. Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.
73. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
74. Wear your pants backwards.
75. Begin all your sentences with "Ohh la la!"
76. Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music."
77. Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-landscape mode.
78. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
79. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
80. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
81. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
82. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
83. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
84. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
85. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
86. Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
87. Sing the "This is the song that never ends" song from Lampchop's Play-Along.
88. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
89. Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk into it.
90. Drive half a block.
91. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
92. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a southern drawl.
93. "Forget" the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
94. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes."
95. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad," the Archies' "Sugar," or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
96. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
97. Ask to "interface" with someone.
98. Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."
99. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
100. Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
101. Never make eye contact.
102. Never break eye contact.
103. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, pronouncing the results.
104. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
105. Occasionally bark in a high-pitched voice.
106. Say "okay, you're gay" to anything someone says.
107. As people talk, smell their shoulders.
108. When in a conversation, look out the window, then say "Wait, start over. I wasn't paying attention."
109. Say to people, "Did you wear deodorant today?"
110. Place your shoes on the table.
111. When talking to someone, look at a spot about two inches to their right.
112. When standing near a "high-class person," ask them, "Excuse me, but do I have a booger hanging on my nose? I thought I picked it off."
113. Switch your neighbor's lawn furniture with someone else's.
114. Call into work and tell them you have something better to do today.
115. Buy goldfish and ask the clerk if they come with chips.
116. Sample every flavor of ice cream and tell the clerk what you don't like about each one.
117. Pick your ear wax and ask if you could use their sleeve to wipe it off.
118. Insist completely ridiculous things are true - like Bush is still President.
119. Speak in a strong Welsh accent.
120. Wear odd shoes.
121. Learn "Ice Ice Baby" by heart and recite it endlessly.
122. Disagree strongly with everything anybody says.
123. Throw stones at people walking past your house.
124. Keep changing the TV channel every two seconds.
125. Insist that Celine Dion is better than the Beatles.
126. Whenever anyone says something, laugh loudly as if they have just told and extremely funny joke.
127. Phone McDonald's and try to make a reservation for that evening.
128. Spend an entire weekend pretending you are R2-D2.
129. Phone random numbers and tell them you are holding their daughter hostage.
130. Recite the first 4,000 decimal places of Pi. Then ask if people want to hear it in binary, too.
131. Pretend you have gone completely deaf.
132. .sdrawkcab etirW
133. Walk into people's houses, go straight to the fridge without saying hello, and help yourself to their food.
134. Speak so quietly that people always have to get you to repeat it.
135. Loudly recite people's most embarrassing secrets in restaurants.
136. Play the electric guitar very loudly and badly, then when the neighbors ask you to turn it down, play even louder. When they come round to complain again, say, "Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you asked me to turn it up!
137. Try to fit the word "cornucopia" into every sentence you say.
138. Drive on the wrong side of the road.
139. Secretly learn to play the piano, then go to a friend's house who has a piano. Claim you've never played before then play Jesu Joy of Man's Desiring perfectly the first time. Then say, "I guess I must kinda be a natural."
140. Go canoeing and sing the Hawaii Five-0 theme.
141. Claim that until recently, you thought Michael Jackson was a woman.
142. Wear your cap backwards and say "Yo, wazzup?" a lot.
143. Go to a Metallica concert wearing a Michael Bolton T-Shirt.
144. Tell everyone you are Bill Clinton's cousin.
145. Take photos of people walking down the street and then run away.
146. Dedicate your life to politics, become president of the United States, then raise all taxes to 90%.
147. Down a can of Coke in one drink and then burp loudly.
148. Insist that it was Bobby who shot J.R.
149. Bark like a dog whenever anyone says the word "the."
150. Wire up people's cars so the horn comes on as soon as their car is started.
151. Ride a unicycle to work.
152. E-mail Microsoft to tell them about bugs in Windows XP that aren't actually there.
153. Stare at people for about five minutes, making sure they know you're staring at them. Then, slowly sneak up to them while humming the Mission: Impossible theme. Sniff their head, then run away. Repeat.
154. Continuously mumble during a conversation.
155. Take off the eraser to every pencil in your house, or better yet, someone else's house.
156. When in a chat room, spell everything incorrectly.
157. Insist on "Weird Al" sing-a-longs.
158. On a hot summer day, ride up and down the road and drench pedestrians with squirt guns.
159. When walking down a main road, act like a drunk.
160. Wear nothing but white and go mud wrestling.
161. Walk up to someone eating. Lean over and stare at them intently until they notice. Continue to do so until they ask what you're doing. Reply, "I've been watching you eat for the last 30 seconds.. You're weird!" Leave the restaurant.
162. When walking, talk to yourself constantly.
163. Move people's bookmarks ahead three pages when they aren't looking.
164. Call the operator. When asked, "Can I help you?" reply, "No thanks, just browsing."
165. Go to a gumball machine insert coins until you have a matching pair of fake eyeballs. After attaining these, record the theme song of The Twilight Zone over and over again. Drive down the street wearing the eyeballs and playing The Twilight Zone theme very loud. When you get pulled over, leap into the passenger's seat and claim, "He was here a minute ago, officer!"
166. On a night other than Halloween, get a few friends together and dress like Jason from Friday the 13th. Have each of you stand a mile apart on a highway.
167. After visiting the local donut shop, sit on the floor cross-legged and insist in a childish voice that you haven't received enough chocolate sprinkles.
168. Push a raisin into someone's cream-filled donut. (I don't get this one.)
169. Spread fertilizer on half your neighbor's lawn.
170. Add A535 (liquid heat) to that little hole down the center of someone's anti-perspirant.
171.
172.
173. Add blank entries to lists, to make it look like it's longer.
174. Call every pager number you know and leave the number for your local McDonald's.
175. Wash and scrub the trees in your front lawn.
176. Throw newspapers back at paperboys.
177. Tell people their fly is down when they're wearing sweat pants.
178. Stand on a busy corner. Gasp, look and point up. See how many people look.
179. At random times in a conversation, say "Hi," "Hello Sir, how are you?" or "Have a good day, thank you."
180. Put electrical tape over the headlights of someone's car.
181. Walk up to random strangers insisting you are family.
182. Dress like a "High-class rich person" and wash windows at random street corners. Demand a dollar in a British accent.
183. When a cop pulls you over, when they step up to your car, drive forward slowly and make them walk. Especially if it's raining.
184. In an office, lock all the doors behind you.
185. Face the back when standing in an elevator.
186. Grin so wide it hurts your cheeks at every salesperson in town.
187. When at an ATM, try to have a conversation with it, or pretend it stole your card. (This works best if there's a line.)
188. Unbend all the paperclips you can find, then replace every eraser you can find with a rubber band.
189. Ask people to prove everything they say. (e.g. "I'm Bob, nice to meet you..." "PROVE IT!")
190. Sharpen All your pencils to the same size EXACTLY.
191. Answer every question with another question. As soon as one of you says a statement instead of a question, shout "I win!".
192. Pose as a client at a bank or other professional institution, and when you are seated in front of their desk, keep rearranging the items on top into different patterns and tell them you are "just reorganizing things."
193. Instead of singing 99 bottles of beer on the wall, sing 999,999,999 bottles of beer on the wall!
194. Call every girl you know "dude".
195. Recite every song from the Playstation games PaRappa the Rapper and Um Jammer Lammy.
196. Bring a portable CD player to a concert and listen the CD because you insist that it is "Just better quality"
197. Press the "power" button on on someone's computer or keyboard when they're almost finished typing up a long essay, story etc. Apologize sincerely, claiming that you thought it was the focus adjustment.
198. Call 911 and breathe heavily.
199. Take a shower. Feel guilty. Give it back.
200. Mow your carpet. (Or preferably somebody else's)
201. Vacuum your lawn. (See note on 200)
202. Recite shakespearian poetry to everyone you meet.
203. Go to McDonalds and ask for a BK Whopper.
204. Order a pizza and ask them if they can "please put the crust on top this time" in an exasperated voice.
205. Every time someone asks you to do something or says something to you ask "Is that a threat?"
206. When in an elevator, in different voices, shout out random floors, and then watch as you get there, no one gets off.
207. Also, when riding up an elevator with a stranger, start singing a song that everyone knows, then expect them to start singing too. If they do not start singing, insist, "Everyone knows that song. Are you stupid?"
208. While walking make car noises loudly (Such as changing gears).
209. Whenever somebody says something, ask what the simplest word they said means. When they explain, ask what the simplest word in their explanation means. Repeat this for the entire conversation.
210. Go up to a someone and say, "Are you annoyed by irrelevant questions?" And then walk away very quickly.
211. Finish each sentence with "Monkey See, Monkey Do".
212. Click your mechanical pencils or your pens during a test in school.
213. Pretend you are invisible.
214. Convince people you are deaf and talk in an incredibly phony sign language.
215. Spend all day at a fast food restaurant and see how long it takes before you have to pay for your "free" refills.
216. Continuously open your briefcase or bag and say into it, "Have you got enough air in there?"
217. While going down in an elevator scream, "AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!! WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!" for no apparent reason.
218. Call everyone a communist.
219. Explain "the little green men" in detail to someone, and when they don't believe you, accuse them of being one in disguise.
220.. Call your neighbors collect.
221. Whenever someone finishes a sentence say, "And then what happened?"
222. Page yourself over an intercom, but don't disguise your voice.
223. Send people annoying chain forwards with outrageous consequences like "If you don't send this to 300 people in 4 seconds you will die instantly" and then insist that it is true and it happened to your uncle.
224. When walking push an invisible cart and make loud squeaky noises.
225. Walk up to random people and ask them, very seriously, "Do you know the muffin man?"
226. Clear your throat every three or four words while speaking.
227. Look at your hand in amazement and say, "Whoa, I never knew I had this!"
228. While driving if you see a "How am I driving" bumper sticker, call the number and inform the operator that the driver is doing a great job.
229. When driving with companions in the car, every few seconds slam on the brakes and insist that a squirrel ran in front of you.
230. When driving with companions in the car, every few seconds slam on the brakes and insist that a squirrel ran in front of you.
231. Whenever anybody says anything to you. Respond by saying, "I know."
232. Sending this list to all of your friends through email.
233. Continue to ask someone, "Is this annoying? Is this annoying?" over and over and over.
234. Tap someone on the shoulder repeatedly.
235. Begin every sentence with, "By the Gods!"
236. When you're in an argument, no matter what it's about, keep yelling "I don't see your name on it!".
237. When in public, pretend you are selling something in an infomercial.
238. At a restaurant, repeatedly send your food back for changes and after awhile insist that, "This isn't what I ordered!"
239. Go to a shoe store and try on every shoe, then say that you aren't interested in buying shoes and leave.
240. Put powdered sugar in your hair, sit down next to a stranger, and scratch your head a lot.
241. Turn on the Talk Radio Stations in your car, roll down your windows, and headbang.
242. Walk around with a plastic sword and shield and tell strangers "I must avenge the death of my father."
243. Scotch tape your door as an Anti-theft Device.
244. Super Glue quarters to floors.
245. Put the wrong date and year on the papers you hand in to your teachers.
246. Call random numbers and say "Hi, this is Julie from Basken Robins. If you can name 31 flavors in 31 seconds you get a free scoop."
247. WRIGHT N AL CAPITOL LETERS AND MISSSSSPEL EVRYTHIND!!!
248. Get two cell phones and talk to yourself on them in front of other people.
249. Make a loud and abrupt noise when nobody is looking, then face the other direction when everybody looks your way, pretending the sound came from behind you. (Thanks Alex)
250. Llend a book to someone, but staple the middle together.
251) Llend someone a book, but rip out the climax.
252) When making a list use the same number twice.
253) Spel easy wordds rong.
253) Pronunce people's names wrong everytime you meet them.
254) Laugh at everything they say.
255) Never laugh at what they say.
256) When talking to someone, tilt your head to the side.
257) Snicker at what someone said and say "I got the movie reference".
QUOTE(dest_titor @ Jul 26 2007, 12:38 AM)
4.Name your dog "Dog."
Or "Free money".
just a quick one - what did the buddhist monk say when he was in the kebab (giro) shop ? make me one with everything 
I used to have a pet cat, I name it "Monkey".
Now I got a new one, I name it "Tempolong" (it's Indonesian for 'green peas').
My new cat was pregnant and 4 kitten was born, 3 was taken by my aunt and one left. I name it "Tempiling" (means 'a hard knuckle punch' in Indonesian Javanese, I simply change the vowel from the mother's name).
Tempiling left and now Tempolong has a 5 new kitten. I name each one of them after the WWE's Spirit Squad as they are annoying.
Now I got a new one, I name it "Tempolong" (it's Indonesian for 'green peas').
My new cat was pregnant and 4 kitten was born, 3 was taken by my aunt and one left. I name it "Tempiling" (means 'a hard knuckle punch' in Indonesian Javanese, I simply change the vowel from the mother's name).
Tempiling left and now Tempolong has a 5 new kitten. I name each one of them after the WWE's Spirit Squad as they are annoying.
What four animals does every woman need?
1)A Jaguar in her garage!
2)A Mink in her closet!
3)A Stallion in her bed!
4)A Jack A$$ to pay for it all!
1)A Jaguar in her garage!
2)A Mink in her closet!
3)A Stallion in her bed!
4)A Jack A$$ to pay for it all!
Old as hell but always chuckles:
Two balloons flew over Mojave desert, one said to another: "Hey man, watch out for the cactussssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss..."
Two balloons flew over Mojave desert, one said to another: "Hey man, watch out for the cactussssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss..."
A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair, and expected to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed to be a witness.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband flipped on the lights, pulled the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put his gun to the man's head, and the wife shouted Don't do it! This man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for the Corvette I said I bought for you? He did! Who do you think paid for our new cabin cruiser? He did! Who do you think pays our monthly country club dues you believe I budget for? He does!
The husband, looked over at the cab driver and asked, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold". .......
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked
about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling
around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"
The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple' s house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. 'What are you doing?' the mother-in-law asked. 'I am waiting for my husband to come home from work,' the daughter-in-law replied. 'Why are you naked?' asked the mother-in-law. 'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law replied. 'LOVE DRESS! You are naked,' said the mother-in-law. 'But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy and he makes me happy,' said the daughter-in-law. 'I would appreciate your leaving now because my husband will be home any minute,' the daughter-in-law continued. Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left. On the way home, she thought about the 'LOVE DRESS' and got an idea. She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume, and waited by the door for her husband to come home. Finally, the pickup truck drove up the drive way, and she took her place by the door. The father-in-law opened the door, and immediately saw his wife naked by the door. 'What are you doing?' he asked. 'This is my love dress,' the mother-in-law replied. 'Needs ironing,' he replied.........
An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy.
They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.
They searched for days and couldn't find her. So the captain sent the old man home with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the ship.
It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife had died in the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck, and found an oyster stucked inside her buttox. Inside it was a pearl worth $50,000.
Please advise?"
The old man faxed back: Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap!
A couple were having financial problems until finally they couldn't stand it any more. The husband said to his wife that is was necessary for her to make some money through prostitution to get by.
So the husband drove her to the place where she had to do the job and in the evening he picked her up again.
"So, how much have you earned today?" the husband asked.
"Well", the woman responded, "I've made one hundred dollars and fifty cents."
"That's strange", the husband responded, "who gave you the fifty cents?"
Said the woman: "All of them, of course!"
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband flipped on the lights, pulled the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put his gun to the man's head, and the wife shouted Don't do it! This man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for the Corvette I said I bought for you? He did! Who do you think paid for our new cabin cruiser? He did! Who do you think pays our monthly country club dues you believe I budget for? He does!
The husband, looked over at the cab driver and asked, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold". .......
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked
about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling
around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"
The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple' s house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. 'What are you doing?' the mother-in-law asked. 'I am waiting for my husband to come home from work,' the daughter-in-law replied. 'Why are you naked?' asked the mother-in-law. 'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law replied. 'LOVE DRESS! You are naked,' said the mother-in-law. 'But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy and he makes me happy,' said the daughter-in-law. 'I would appreciate your leaving now because my husband will be home any minute,' the daughter-in-law continued. Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left. On the way home, she thought about the 'LOVE DRESS' and got an idea. She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume, and waited by the door for her husband to come home. Finally, the pickup truck drove up the drive way, and she took her place by the door. The father-in-law opened the door, and immediately saw his wife naked by the door. 'What are you doing?' he asked. 'This is my love dress,' the mother-in-law replied. 'Needs ironing,' he replied.........
An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy.
They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.
They searched for days and couldn't find her. So the captain sent the old man home with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the ship.
It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife had died in the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck, and found an oyster stucked inside her buttox. Inside it was a pearl worth $50,000.
Please advise?"
The old man faxed back: Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap!
A couple were having financial problems until finally they couldn't stand it any more. The husband said to his wife that is was necessary for her to make some money through prostitution to get by.
So the husband drove her to the place where she had to do the job and in the evening he picked her up again.
"So, how much have you earned today?" the husband asked.
"Well", the woman responded, "I've made one hundred dollars and fifty cents."
"That's strange", the husband responded, "who gave you the fifty cents?"
Said the woman: "All of them, of course!"
QUOTE(swtp @ Jul 31 2007, 05:28 AM)
What four animals does every woman need?
1)A Jaguar in her garage!
2)A Mink in her closet!
3)A Stallion in her bed!
4)A Jack A$$ to pay for it all!
1)A Jaguar in her garage!
2)A Mink in her closet!
3)A Stallion in her bed!
4)A Jack A$$ to pay for it all!
LOL So you want a bill gates type? LOL
QUOTE(capoeiranger @ Jul 31 2007, 05:54 AM)
Old as hell but always chuckles:
Two balloons flew over Mojave desert, one said to another: "Hey man, watch out for the cactussssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss..."
Two balloons flew over Mojave desert, one said to another: "Hey man, watch out for the cactussssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss..."
LOL it was kind of cheesy but I still chuckled lol Thanks.
QUOTE(louie @ Aug 3 2007, 04:01 PM)
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked
about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling
around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"
about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling
around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"
LOL loved it
This one cracked me up. LOL.
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
WOW! haha.
This happens only in Delhi........
In New Delhi, Mr. Sharma came home one night, and his wife
threw her arms around his neck:
"I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going
to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we
find out for sure, we can't tell anybody".
The next day, Mrs. Sharma received a telephone call from
DEB (Delhi Electric Board) because the electricity bill had
not been paid.
"Am I speaking to Mrs Sharma?
"Yes.....speaking"
DEB Guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammered the young woman.
"Well, maam, it's in our files!" said the DEB guy.
"What are you saying? It's in your files....HOW????
"Yes.... we have a system of finding out who's overdue"
"Oh my Goodness!!!!! This is too much....."
"Madam, I am sorry..... I am following orders. I have
to inform you are overdue".
"I know that.... Let me talk to my husband about this
tonight. He will speak to your company tomorrow"
That night, she told her husband about the call, and he,
mad as a bull, rushed to the DEB office the next morning.
"What's going on? You have it on your file that my wife
is one month overdue? What business is that of yours?"
the husband shouted.
"Just calm down, "said the lady at the reception at DEB,
it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? And if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband shouted.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle!"
In New Delhi, Mr. Sharma came home one night, and his wife
threw her arms around his neck:
"I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going
to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we
find out for sure, we can't tell anybody".
The next day, Mrs. Sharma received a telephone call from
DEB (Delhi Electric Board) because the electricity bill had
not been paid.
"Am I speaking to Mrs Sharma?
"Yes.....speaking"
DEB Guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammered the young woman.
"Well, maam, it's in our files!" said the DEB guy.
"What are you saying? It's in your files....HOW????
"Yes.... we have a system of finding out who's overdue"
"Oh my Goodness!!!!! This is too much....."
"Madam, I am sorry..... I am following orders. I have
to inform you are overdue".
"I know that.... Let me talk to my husband about this
tonight. He will speak to your company tomorrow"
That night, she told her husband about the call, and he,
mad as a bull, rushed to the DEB office the next morning.
"What's going on? You have it on your file that my wife
is one month overdue? What business is that of yours?"
the husband shouted.
"Just calm down, "said the lady at the reception at DEB,
it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? And if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband shouted.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle!"
QUOTE(djdodo @ Aug 10 2007, 09:17 PM)
This happens only in Delhi........
In New Delhi, Mr. Sharma came home one night, and his wife
threw her arms around his neck:
"I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going
to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we
find out for sure, we can't tell anybody".
The next day, Mrs. Sharma received a telephone call from
DEB (Delhi Electric Board) because the electricity bill had
not been paid.
"Am I speaking to Mrs Sharma?
"Yes.....speaking"
DEB Guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammered the young woman.
"Well, maam, it's in our files!" said the DEB guy.
"What are you saying? It's in your files....HOW????
"Yes.... we have a system of finding out who's overdue"
"Oh my Goodness!!!!! This is too much....."
"Madam, I am sorry..... I am following orders. I have
to inform you are overdue".
"I know that.... Let me talk to my husband about this
tonight. He will speak to your company tomorrow"
That night, she told her husband about the call, and he,
mad as a bull, rushed to the DEB office the next morning.
"What's going on? You have it on your file that my wife
is one month overdue? What business is that of yours?"
the husband shouted.
"Just calm down, "said the lady at the reception at DEB,
it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? And if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband shouted.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle!"
In New Delhi, Mr. Sharma came home one night, and his wife
threw her arms around his neck:
"I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going
to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we
find out for sure, we can't tell anybody".
The next day, Mrs. Sharma received a telephone call from
DEB (Delhi Electric Board) because the electricity bill had
not been paid.
"Am I speaking to Mrs Sharma?
"Yes.....speaking"
DEB Guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammered the young woman.
"Well, maam, it's in our files!" said the DEB guy.
"What are you saying? It's in your files....HOW????
"Yes.... we have a system of finding out who's overdue"
"Oh my Goodness!!!!! This is too much....."
"Madam, I am sorry..... I am following orders. I have
to inform you are overdue".
"I know that.... Let me talk to my husband about this
tonight. He will speak to your company tomorrow"
That night, she told her husband about the call, and he,
mad as a bull, rushed to the DEB office the next morning.
"What's going on? You have it on your file that my wife
is one month overdue? What business is that of yours?"
the husband shouted.
"Just calm down, "said the lady at the reception at DEB,
it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? And if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband shouted.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle!"
a couple of misunderstandings haha. this is great.. lmao
Men Language
The Woman's Language Guide: How To Translate Menspeak
When He Says He Really Means
------------ ---------------
Do you have the time? to go to bed
Hello Let's cut the talk and go have sex.
How are you? in bed, I mean.
I'd like a discreet relationship. I want sex, but I'm married.
I'll be out of town for a few days. I'll be spending time with the wife.
I'm a novelist. I have 10 unpublished books.
I'm coming off a long relationship. My wife is divorcing me.
I'm consulting. I'm looking for a job.
I'm divorced. I just slipped off my wedding ring.
I'm in television. I fix them.
I'm involved in banking. I'm a bank guard.
I'm self-employed. I just got fired.
I'm sorry I flirted with your sister. I'm sorry I got caught.
I'm thinking of relocating. I can't find a job locally in this town.
I can't leave my wife just yet..soon. Be patient forever.
I enjoy reading. Playboy and Penthouse.
I have the Midas touch. I install mufflers.
I like a woman who is intelligent. As long as she acts like I'm smarter.
I love opera. I want sex, but I've seen an opera once.
I play the market. Safeway
I work high up in an executive office. I'm a window washer.
I work with computers. I'm a cashier at a gas station.
Looking for a satisfying relationship. I want sex.
My business is really hot right now! I hand out towels in a steam room.
My job keeps me running. I'm a messenger.
My wife and I are separated. She's at home and I'm here at the bar.
How To Verbalize To A Man When Breaking Up With Him
Men are often so wrapped up in their work, with their professions being such a
large part of their personal identity, that when a woman wants to break up a
relationship with a man, it helps if she uses the very same key words he uses on
the job, words that he will understand clearly.
If He Is A... Say To Him, "Our relationship has...
-------------------------- -------------------------------------
armchair athlete without a job. been shut out 45 to 0 with 18 turnovers."
astronomer been a black hole."
banker/accountant gone bankrupt."
bartender been on the rocks."
boxer been K.O.'d."
bus driver reached the end of the line."
carpenter had a sinking foundation."
chemist been under a fume hood for too long."
doctor been malpracticed."
economist been in a ten year recession."
electrician been short circuited."
engineer been miscalculated."
fireman been burned to the ground."
football player been fumbled at the one yard line."
geologist been taken for granite."
lawyer been given the death penalty."
mathematician been taken to the limit."
milkman gone sour."
miner gone bust."
opera star reached its grand finale."
personnel worker been terminated."
physicist lacked harmonic motion."
pilot lost power in all its engines."
policeman copped out."
politician been impeached."
programmer been core dumped."
race car driver run its course."
sailor lost at sea."
soldier been wiped out."
teacher flunked out."
truck driver overturned on our highway of life."
The Woman's Language Guide: How To Translate Menspeak
When He Says He Really Means
------------ ---------------
Do you have the time? to go to bed
Hello Let's cut the talk and go have sex.
How are you? in bed, I mean.
I'd like a discreet relationship. I want sex, but I'm married.
I'll be out of town for a few days. I'll be spending time with the wife.
I'm a novelist. I have 10 unpublished books.
I'm coming off a long relationship. My wife is divorcing me.
I'm consulting. I'm looking for a job.
I'm divorced. I just slipped off my wedding ring.
I'm in television. I fix them.
I'm involved in banking. I'm a bank guard.
I'm self-employed. I just got fired.
I'm sorry I flirted with your sister. I'm sorry I got caught.
I'm thinking of relocating. I can't find a job locally in this town.
I can't leave my wife just yet..soon. Be patient forever.
I enjoy reading. Playboy and Penthouse.
I have the Midas touch. I install mufflers.
I like a woman who is intelligent. As long as she acts like I'm smarter.
I love opera. I want sex, but I've seen an opera once.
I play the market. Safeway
I work high up in an executive office. I'm a window washer.
I work with computers. I'm a cashier at a gas station.
Looking for a satisfying relationship. I want sex.
My business is really hot right now! I hand out towels in a steam room.
My job keeps me running. I'm a messenger.
My wife and I are separated. She's at home and I'm here at the bar.
How To Verbalize To A Man When Breaking Up With Him
Men are often so wrapped up in their work, with their professions being such a
large part of their personal identity, that when a woman wants to break up a
relationship with a man, it helps if she uses the very same key words he uses on
the job, words that he will understand clearly.
If He Is A... Say To Him, "Our relationship has...
-------------------------- -------------------------------------
armchair athlete without a job. been shut out 45 to 0 with 18 turnovers."
astronomer been a black hole."
banker/accountant gone bankrupt."
bartender been on the rocks."
boxer been K.O.'d."
bus driver reached the end of the line."
carpenter had a sinking foundation."
chemist been under a fume hood for too long."
doctor been malpracticed."
economist been in a ten year recession."
electrician been short circuited."
engineer been miscalculated."
fireman been burned to the ground."
football player been fumbled at the one yard line."
geologist been taken for granite."
lawyer been given the death penalty."
mathematician been taken to the limit."
milkman gone sour."
miner gone bust."
opera star reached its grand finale."
personnel worker been terminated."
physicist lacked harmonic motion."
pilot lost power in all its engines."
policeman copped out."
politician been impeached."
programmer been core dumped."
race car driver run its course."
sailor lost at sea."
soldier been wiped out."
teacher flunked out."
truck driver overturned on our highway of life."
What do you get if you roll a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
Oh I'm just the living end, aren't I?
A flat minor.
Oh I'm just the living end, aren't I?
Cynicism
The greatest exponent of cynicism and acknowledged master of the art was the American wit Ambrose Bierce, the author of the famous Devil's Dictionary. No one could wish for a better definition of a cynic than:
'A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.'
and no one acts as a better guide to the cynical insult than Bierce himself. These are some of his observations on human behaviour:
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance of ourselves.
Antipathy: The sentiment inspired by one's friend's friend.
Charity: An amiable quality of the heart which moves us to condone in others the sins and vices to which we ourselves are addicted.
Commendation: The tribute that we pay to achievements that resemble, but do not equal, our own.
Congratulation: The civility of envy.
Defame: To lie about another. To tell the truth about another.
Encourage: To confirm a fool in a folly that is beginning to hurt him.
Forbidden: Invested with a new and irresistible charm.
Forgiveness: A stratagem to throw an offender off his guard and catch him red-handed in his next offence.
Hatred: A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority.
Impeccable: Not liable to detection.
Incompatibility: In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularly the taste for domination.
Laziness: Unwarranted repose of manner in a person of low degree.
Loquacity: A disorder which renders the sufferer unable to curb his tongue when you wish to talk.
Mediate: To butt in.
Politeness: The most acceptable hypocrisy.
Resolute: Obstinate in a course that we approve.
Selfish: Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.
Zeal: A certain nervous disorder affecting the young and inexperienced.
The greatest exponent of cynicism and acknowledged master of the art was the American wit Ambrose Bierce, the author of the famous Devil's Dictionary. No one could wish for a better definition of a cynic than:
'A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.'
and no one acts as a better guide to the cynical insult than Bierce himself. These are some of his observations on human behaviour:
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance of ourselves.
Antipathy: The sentiment inspired by one's friend's friend.
Charity: An amiable quality of the heart which moves us to condone in others the sins and vices to which we ourselves are addicted.
Commendation: The tribute that we pay to achievements that resemble, but do not equal, our own.
Congratulation: The civility of envy.
Defame: To lie about another. To tell the truth about another.
Encourage: To confirm a fool in a folly that is beginning to hurt him.
Forbidden: Invested with a new and irresistible charm.
Forgiveness: A stratagem to throw an offender off his guard and catch him red-handed in his next offence.
Hatred: A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority.
Impeccable: Not liable to detection.
Incompatibility: In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularly the taste for domination.
Laziness: Unwarranted repose of manner in a person of low degree.
Loquacity: A disorder which renders the sufferer unable to curb his tongue when you wish to talk.
Mediate: To butt in.
Politeness: The most acceptable hypocrisy.
Resolute: Obstinate in a course that we approve.
Selfish: Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.
Zeal: A certain nervous disorder affecting the young and inexperienced.
QUOTE(Affliction @ Aug 17 2007, 07:17 PM)
What do you get if you roll a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
Oh I'm just the living end, aren't I?
A flat minor.
Oh I'm just the living end, aren't I?
Whats the oppisite of roses on your piano,,, Tulips on your organ..
lol.boom boom.
Why are pirates called pirates?
They just Arrrrrrrrr
They just Arrrrrrrrr
A man was found drowned in a bowl of milk with his mouth stuffed full of bananas.
Authorities suspect a cereal killer.
rofl!
That morning humor of mine, what can i say...
Authorities suspect a cereal killer.
rofl!
That morning humor of mine, what can i say...
QUOTE(REBEL @ Aug 24 2007, 02:06 AM)
A man was found drowned in a bowl of milk with his mouth stuffed full of bananas.
Authorities suspect a cereal killer.
rofl!
That morning humor of mine, what can i say...
Authorities suspect a cereal killer.
rofl!
That morning humor of mine, what can i say...
Hey, it's four in the morning here, and that was actually really funny
fragrances or odors
One day an old man went into a department store with his wife and as they came into the entrance, they were greeted with a perfume spray which made the old man gag. The young lady from the perfume department smiled and said "Maroui #3, $25.00 a bottle use your store discount today!"
The old man just mumbled and moved on to get away and as they continued thier shopping, they had somehow drifted apart and as he looked for his wife, another shot of perfume was shot into his path. A different lady spoke out "Nell Chavar's Violet Moon- $30.00 for 5oz!" Now the disgruntled old man just wanted to find his wife and leave.
The two perfume ladies took the elevator for a lunch break and happen to catch the old man in the same elevator. Just after the doors closed, the young ladies started to gag and holding thier nose as a rancid smell came from the old mans direction and when they reached thier floor the old man said loudly "CABBAGE at a $1.49 a head!"
One day an old man went into a department store with his wife and as they came into the entrance, they were greeted with a perfume spray which made the old man gag. The young lady from the perfume department smiled and said "Maroui #3, $25.00 a bottle use your store discount today!"
The old man just mumbled and moved on to get away and as they continued thier shopping, they had somehow drifted apart and as he looked for his wife, another shot of perfume was shot into his path. A different lady spoke out "Nell Chavar's Violet Moon- $30.00 for 5oz!" Now the disgruntled old man just wanted to find his wife and leave.
The two perfume ladies took the elevator for a lunch break and happen to catch the old man in the same elevator. Just after the doors closed, the young ladies started to gag and holding thier nose as a rancid smell came from the old mans direction and when they reached thier floor the old man said loudly "CABBAGE at a $1.49 a head!"
Oldie but goldie
Humor Break
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes &
points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she
expects-
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Simple Duties
-------------
You make sure there's plenty of gas in the car..........+1
You make sure there are barely enough fumes in the car to make it to the
nearest gas station...-1 You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly
by the curb.................................+1 You take out the recyclables
at 4:30 am, just as the truck pulls away..........................-1
You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish.......+1
You leave dishes in the sink............................-1
You leave them under the bed............................-5
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with
wings.........................+5
But return with beer....................................-5
You leave the toilet seat up............................-1
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty........0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to
Kleenex....................................-1
When the Kleenex runs out, you shuffle slowly to the next
bathroom.............................-2
You make the bed........................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative
pillows..................................0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.............-1
You check out a suspicious noise at night................0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing........0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something.....+5
You pummel it with a six iron..........................+10
It's her father........................................-10
Social Engagements
------------------
You stay by her side the entire party....................0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
drinking buddy.............-2
Named Tiffany...........................................-4
Tiffany is a dancer.....................................-6
Tiffany has implants....................................-8
When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her
lovingly.............................+1
When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain," and pat her
on the rump..........-5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and
asks you if you think she is attractive, you say,
"Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you"......+1
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's attractive,
you say, "Yeah, but don't worry, she's lousy in bed"..................-6
That woman is her sister...............................-90
You have one drink, and that's it........................0
You have more than a few and perform the tango with a
poodle...................................-2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being
fingerprinted................................-18
Saturday Afternoon
------------------
You go to the mall together.............................+3
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the
car............................+4
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports
bar...................-2
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like
it............................+3
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a
sectional...............................0
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk...+3
Most of it chips and beer...............................-6
You tackle a large household project, such as painting the
den...............................+15
Or refinishing the floors..............................+16
Or rewiring the basement...............................+17
Or adding a second floor...............................+18
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom
wastebasket........................-6
And you're tickled pink about it.......................-15
You visit her parents...................................+1
You visit her parents and actually make conversation....+3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the
television...............................-3
And the television is off...............................-6
You spend the afternoon watching football in your
underwear..............................-6
And you didn't even go to college......................-10
And it's not your underwear............................-15
Her Birthday
------------
You take her out to dinner...............................0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1
Okay, it is a sports bar................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night..........................-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the
colors of your
favorite team..............................................-10
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar
player................................+3
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and
sing......................+4
And you stink...........................................+2
And you're not half bad.................................+5
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out to much
applause..........-2
You give her a gift......................................0
You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance........-10
You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance.....+1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate.............+2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for
months...................................+30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that
day.................................-10
With her credit card...................................-30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big...........-40
Thoughtfulness
--------------
You forget her birthday completely.....................-10
You forget your anniversary............................-20
You forget to pick her up at the bus station...........-25
Which is in Newark, New Jersey.........................-35
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast............-50
A Night Out With The Boys
-------------------------
Go out with a pal.......................................-5
And the pal is happily married..........................-4
Or frighteningly single.................................-7
And he drives a Trans Am...............................-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)..........-15
You have a few beers....................................-9
And miss curfew by an hour.............................-12
You get home at 3 am...................................-20
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap
cigars......................................-30
And not wearing any pants............................-40
Is that a tattoo???.................................-200
Her Night Out
-------------
You watch the kids while she goes out with her annoying work
friends................+5
She goes out with her annoying work friends,and she comes home
late......................+10
You wait up............................................+15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to
bed...................+20
A Night At Home
---------------
You watch TV together....................................0
You rent a movie........................................+1
You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY...........+3
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout..+5
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep............-1
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool..-2
A Night Out
-----------
You take her to a movie.................................+2
You take her to a movie she likes.......................+4
You take her to a movie you hate (anything with Susan
Sarandon)...........................+6
You take her to a movie you like........................-2
It's called DeathCop 3..................................-7
Which features cyborgs having sex.......................-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans and
sheepdogs....................-15
Flowers
-------
You buy her flowers only when it's expected..............0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of
it.................................+5
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked
yourself...................................+10
And she contracts Lyme disease.........................-25
Your Physique
-------------
You develop a noticeable potbelly.......................-15
You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it...+10
You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian
shirts..................-5
Finances
--------
You spend a lot of money on something impractical.......-5
Something she can't use................................-10
Such as a motorized model airplane.....................-20
And your kid needs braces..............................-30
In fact, all four of the kids need braces.......-120
Driving
-------
You lose the directions on a trip.......................-4
You lose the direction and end up getting
lost............................................-10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town..........-15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and
personal..................-25
She finds out you lied about having a black belt.......-60
The Big Question
----------------
She asks, "Do I look fat?"..............................-5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding.............................-10
You reply, "Where?"....................................-25
Communication
-------------
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen,
displaying what looks like a concerned expression...0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30
minutes......................................+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the
TV..............................+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep......-10
Humor Break
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes &
points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she
expects-
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Simple Duties
-------------
You make sure there's plenty of gas in the car..........+1
You make sure there are barely enough fumes in the car to make it to the
nearest gas station...-1 You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly
by the curb.................................+1 You take out the recyclables
at 4:30 am, just as the truck pulls away..........................-1
You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish.......+1
You leave dishes in the sink............................-1
You leave them under the bed............................-5
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with
wings.........................+5
But return with beer....................................-5
You leave the toilet seat up............................-1
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty........0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to
Kleenex....................................-1
When the Kleenex runs out, you shuffle slowly to the next
bathroom.............................-2
You make the bed........................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative
pillows..................................0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.............-1
You check out a suspicious noise at night................0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing........0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something.....+5
You pummel it with a six iron..........................+10
It's her father........................................-10
Social Engagements
------------------
You stay by her side the entire party....................0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
drinking buddy.............-2
Named Tiffany...........................................-4
Tiffany is a dancer.....................................-6
Tiffany has implants....................................-8
When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her
lovingly.............................+1
When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain," and pat her
on the rump..........-5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and
asks you if you think she is attractive, you say,
"Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you"......+1
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's attractive,
you say, "Yeah, but don't worry, she's lousy in bed"..................-6
That woman is her sister...............................-90
You have one drink, and that's it........................0
You have more than a few and perform the tango with a
poodle...................................-2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being
fingerprinted................................-18
Saturday Afternoon
------------------
You go to the mall together.............................+3
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the
car............................+4
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports
bar...................-2
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like
it............................+3
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a
sectional...............................0
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk...+3
Most of it chips and beer...............................-6
You tackle a large household project, such as painting the
den...............................+15
Or refinishing the floors..............................+16
Or rewiring the basement...............................+17
Or adding a second floor...............................+18
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom
wastebasket........................-6
And you're tickled pink about it.......................-15
You visit her parents...................................+1
You visit her parents and actually make conversation....+3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the
television...............................-3
And the television is off...............................-6
You spend the afternoon watching football in your
underwear..............................-6
And you didn't even go to college......................-10
And it's not your underwear............................-15
Her Birthday
------------
You take her out to dinner...............................0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1
Okay, it is a sports bar................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night..........................-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the
colors of your
favorite team..............................................-10
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar
player................................+3
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and
sing......................+4
And you stink...........................................+2
And you're not half bad.................................+5
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out to much
applause..........-2
You give her a gift......................................0
You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance........-10
You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance.....+1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate.............+2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for
months...................................+30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that
day.................................-10
With her credit card...................................-30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big...........-40
Thoughtfulness
--------------
You forget her birthday completely.....................-10
You forget your anniversary............................-20
You forget to pick her up at the bus station...........-25
Which is in Newark, New Jersey.........................-35
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast............-50
A Night Out With The Boys
-------------------------
Go out with a pal.......................................-5
And the pal is happily married..........................-4
Or frighteningly single.................................-7
And he drives a Trans Am...............................-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)..........-15
You have a few beers....................................-9
And miss curfew by an hour.............................-12
You get home at 3 am...................................-20
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap
cigars......................................-30
And not wearing any pants............................-40
Is that a tattoo???.................................-200
Her Night Out
-------------
You watch the kids while she goes out with her annoying work
friends................+5
She goes out with her annoying work friends,and she comes home
late......................+10
You wait up............................................+15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to
bed...................+20
A Night At Home
---------------
You watch TV together....................................0
You rent a movie........................................+1
You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY...........+3
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout..+5
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep............-1
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool..-2
A Night Out
-----------
You take her to a movie.................................+2
You take her to a movie she likes.......................+4
You take her to a movie you hate (anything with Susan
Sarandon)...........................+6
You take her to a movie you like........................-2
It's called DeathCop 3..................................-7
Which features cyborgs having sex.......................-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans and
sheepdogs....................-15
Flowers
-------
You buy her flowers only when it's expected..............0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of
it.................................+5
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked
yourself...................................+10
And she contracts Lyme disease.........................-25
Your Physique
-------------
You develop a noticeable potbelly.......................-15
You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it...+10
You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian
shirts..................-5
Finances
--------
You spend a lot of money on something impractical.......-5
Something she can't use................................-10
Such as a motorized model airplane.....................-20
And your kid needs braces..............................-30
In fact, all four of the kids need braces.......-120
Driving
-------
You lose the directions on a trip.......................-4
You lose the direction and end up getting
lost............................................-10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town..........-15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and
personal..................-25
She finds out you lied about having a black belt.......-60
The Big Question
----------------
She asks, "Do I look fat?"..............................-5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding.............................-10
You reply, "Where?"....................................-25
Communication
-------------
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen,
displaying what looks like a concerned expression...0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30
minutes......................................+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the
TV..............................+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep......-10
Britney...
* Britney's so dumb that she stands on a street corner with a bag of chips yelling free lays
* Q:How do you know if Britney has been at your computer? A: There's white out all over the screen
* Q.There's a Santa Claus, a tooth fairy,a smart britney and a dumb britney walking down the street. they see a dollar. who picks it up? A:the dumb britney because theirs no such thing as Santa claus a tooth fairy or a smart britney spears
* Q: Why did Britney jump off the building? A: She thought her maxi pads had wings
* Q: What do you call Britney Spears with 2 Braincells? A: PREGNANT!!
* Q: What did Britney Spears name her pet zebra? A: Spot.
* Q. Why did Britney Spears climb over the glass wall? A. To see what was on the other side.
* Q. why did Britney get fired from burger king?A: A custumer said change for a dollar and she took her clothes off!
* Q: Why does britney have such a big belly button?A: Her boyfreind's are blond too!
* Q: Why couldn't Britney dial 911? A: She couldn't find the 11
* Q: What did Britney's left leg say to her right leg?A: Nothing! They never met!
* Q. How do you drive Britney Spears crazy? A. Give her a bag of M & M's and tell her to alphabetize them.
* Q: How do you drown a Britney Spears? A: Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of the pool!
* Q: What's the best reson to promote safe sex? A:We dont want another Britney
* Q: Why does Britney Spears have TGIF written on her shoes?A: Toes Go In First.
* Q: What did Britney Spears say when she opened the box of Cheerios?A: Oh look, Daddy...Doughnut seeds.
* Q: Why did Britney Spears stare at the can of frozen orange juice?A: Because it said concentrate
* Q: Why did Britney die in a helicopter crash? A: She got cold and turned off the fan.
* Q: How did Britney die drinking milk? A: The cow fell on her.
* Q: How does Britney kill a worm? A: She burys it.
*
* Britney's so dumb that she stands on a street corner with a bag of chips yelling free lays
* Q:How do you know if Britney has been at your computer? A: There's white out all over the screen
* Q.There's a Santa Claus, a tooth fairy,a smart britney and a dumb britney walking down the street. they see a dollar. who picks it up? A:the dumb britney because theirs no such thing as Santa claus a tooth fairy or a smart britney spears
* Q: Why did Britney jump off the building? A: She thought her maxi pads had wings
* Q: What do you call Britney Spears with 2 Braincells? A: PREGNANT!!
* Q: What did Britney Spears name her pet zebra? A: Spot.
* Q. Why did Britney Spears climb over the glass wall? A. To see what was on the other side.
* Q. why did Britney get fired from burger king?A: A custumer said change for a dollar and she took her clothes off!
* Q: Why does britney have such a big belly button?A: Her boyfreind's are blond too!
* Q: Why couldn't Britney dial 911? A: She couldn't find the 11
* Q: What did Britney's left leg say to her right leg?A: Nothing! They never met!
* Q. How do you drive Britney Spears crazy? A. Give her a bag of M & M's and tell her to alphabetize them.
* Q: How do you drown a Britney Spears? A: Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of the pool!
* Q: What's the best reson to promote safe sex? A:We dont want another Britney
* Q: Why does Britney Spears have TGIF written on her shoes?A: Toes Go In First.
* Q: What did Britney Spears say when she opened the box of Cheerios?A: Oh look, Daddy...Doughnut seeds.
* Q: Why did Britney Spears stare at the can of frozen orange juice?A: Because it said concentrate
* Q: Why did Britney die in a helicopter crash? A: She got cold and turned off the fan.
* Q: How did Britney die drinking milk? A: The cow fell on her.
* Q: How does Britney kill a worm? A: She burys it.
*
From what state did the Flying Elvises, featured in the film, "Honeymoon in Vegas", hail? Why were they known as a Chapter and not a Division?
QUOTE(REBEL @ Sep 16 2007, 11:34 AM)
Britney...
* Britney's so dumb that she stands on a street corner with a bag of chips yelling free lays
* Q:How do you know if Britney has been at your computer? A: There's white out all over the screen
* Q.There's a Santa Claus, a tooth fairy,a smart britney and a dumb britney walking down the street. they see a dollar. who picks it up? A:the dumb britney because theirs no such thing as Santa claus a tooth fairy or a smart britney spears
* Q: Why did Britney jump off the building? A: She thought her maxi pads had wings
* Q: What do you call Britney Spears with 2 Braincells? A: PREGNANT!!
* Q: What did Britney Spears name her pet zebra? A: Spot.
* Q. Why did Britney Spears climb over the glass wall? A. To see what was on the other side.
* Q. why did Britney get fired from burger king?A: A custumer said change for a dollar and she took her clothes off!
* Q: Why does britney have such a big belly button?A: Her boyfreind's are blond too!
* Q: Why couldn't Britney dial 911? A: She couldn't find the 11
* Q: What did Britney's left leg say to her right leg?A: Nothing! They never met!
* Q. How do you drive Britney Spears crazy? A. Give her a bag of M & M's and tell her to alphabetize them.
* Q: How do you drown a Britney Spears? A: Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of the pool!
* Q: What's the best reson to promote safe sex? A:We dont want another Britney
* Q: Why does Britney Spears have TGIF written on her shoes?A: Toes Go In First.
* Q: What did Britney Spears say when she opened the box of Cheerios?A: Oh look, Daddy...Doughnut seeds.
* Q: Why did Britney Spears stare at the can of frozen orange juice?A: Because it said concentrate
* Q: Why did Britney die in a helicopter crash? A: She got cold and turned off the fan.
* Q: How did Britney die drinking milk? A: The cow fell on her.
* Q: How does Britney kill a worm? A: She burys it.
*
* Britney's so dumb that she stands on a street corner with a bag of chips yelling free lays
* Q:How do you know if Britney has been at your computer? A: There's white out all over the screen
* Q.There's a Santa Claus, a tooth fairy,a smart britney and a dumb britney walking down the street. they see a dollar. who picks it up? A:the dumb britney because theirs no such thing as Santa claus a tooth fairy or a smart britney spears
* Q: Why did Britney jump off the building? A: She thought her maxi pads had wings
* Q: What do you call Britney Spears with 2 Braincells? A: PREGNANT!!
* Q: What did Britney Spears name her pet zebra? A: Spot.
* Q. Why did Britney Spears climb over the glass wall? A. To see what was on the other side.
* Q. why did Britney get fired from burger king?A: A custumer said change for a dollar and she took her clothes off!
* Q: Why does britney have such a big belly button?A: Her boyfreind's are blond too!
* Q: Why couldn't Britney dial 911? A: She couldn't find the 11
* Q: What did Britney's left leg say to her right leg?A: Nothing! They never met!
* Q. How do you drive Britney Spears crazy? A. Give her a bag of M & M's and tell her to alphabetize them.
* Q: How do you drown a Britney Spears? A: Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of the pool!
* Q: What's the best reson to promote safe sex? A:We dont want another Britney
* Q: Why does Britney Spears have TGIF written on her shoes?A: Toes Go In First.
* Q: What did Britney Spears say when she opened the box of Cheerios?A: Oh look, Daddy...Doughnut seeds.
* Q: Why did Britney Spears stare at the can of frozen orange juice?A: Because it said concentrate
* Q: Why did Britney die in a helicopter crash? A: She got cold and turned off the fan.
* Q: How did Britney die drinking milk? A: The cow fell on her.
* Q: How does Britney kill a worm? A: She burys it.
*
Leeeeaave Britney Alone!!!
(sorry, couldn't resist that one)
QUOTE(Lightwolf @ Mar 24 2007, 09:58 PM)
Here's my little contribution
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys." I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the beers went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit tipsy(okay, I was crocked) I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my wife would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with her. (Even when totally hammered... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos (MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her smugly "Midnight". She didn't seem mad at all. "Whew! Got away with that one!" Then she said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked her why?, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. sh*t!", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
So much for quick-witted solutions...
Lightwolf
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys." I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the beers went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit tipsy(okay, I was crocked) I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my wife would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with her. (Even when totally hammered... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos (MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her smugly "Midnight". She didn't seem mad at all. "Whew! Got away with that one!" Then she said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked her why?, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. sh*t!", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
So much for quick-witted solutions...
Lightwolf
I totally cracked up.
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off.
The egg mutters to no one in particular . . .
"Well, I guess we answered THAT question !
The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off.
The egg mutters to no one in particular . . .
"Well, I guess we answered THAT question !
Clinton walks into a restaurant and is seated in one of the booths.
All the waitresses are knock-down gorgeous.
A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table... She asked: "What would you like, Mr. President?"
Clinton looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers: "A quickie."
The waitress stomps off in total disgust.
After she regains her composure she returns and asks again: "What would you like, Mr. President?"
Again Clinton thoroughly checks her out and again answers: "A quickie, please."
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.
A Secret Service agent, sitting at the next table, leans over and whispers, "Um, Mr. President, I think it's pronounced 'QUICHE'."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman.
He said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever needed."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God said, "An arm and a leg."
Adam said "What can I get for just a rib?" The rest is history
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
All the waitresses are knock-down gorgeous.
A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table... She asked: "What would you like, Mr. President?"
Clinton looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers: "A quickie."
The waitress stomps off in total disgust.
After she regains her composure she returns and asks again: "What would you like, Mr. President?"
Again Clinton thoroughly checks her out and again answers: "A quickie, please."
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.
A Secret Service agent, sitting at the next table, leans over and whispers, "Um, Mr. President, I think it's pronounced 'QUICHE'."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman.
He said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever needed."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God said, "An arm and a leg."
Adam said "What can I get for just a rib?" The rest is history
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and swacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.
He asks, 'What was that for?'
She replies, 'What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?'
He says, 'Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.'
She is appeased and goes off to work around the house. Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting. He says, 'What's that for this time?' She answered, 'Your horse called.'
He asks, 'What was that for?'
She replies, 'What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?'
He says, 'Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.'
She is appeased and goes off to work around the house. Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting. He says, 'What's that for this time?' She answered, 'Your horse called.'
we are the unusual gangs of idiots and we like to post something so dumb that even a cave men can read it.
Harry Plodder Has Gotta Retire
Limited Thickwit's A Series of Uneventful Misfortunes
click those to go to Our exclusive list of the most annoying, aggravating, and highly obnoxious stuff that drive people crazy!!!!!!!!!
20 Dumbest People, Events and Things
50 worst thing about video game
bill gates died! really
top ten signs that your co-worker is a hacker
Harry Plodder Has Gotta Retire
Limited Thickwit's A Series of Uneventful Misfortunes
click those to go to Our exclusive list of the most annoying, aggravating, and highly obnoxious stuff that drive people crazy!!!!!!!!!
20 Dumbest People, Events and Things
50 worst thing about video game
bill gates died! really
top ten signs that your co-worker is a hacker
QUOTE(Dark an1m3 @ Oct 12 2007, 07:04 PM)
we are the unusual gangs of idiots and we like to post something so dumb that even a cave men can read it.
Harry Plodder Has Gotta Retire
Limited Thickwit's A Series of Uneventful Misfortunes
click those to go to Our exclusive list of the most annoying, aggravating, and highly obnoxious stuff that drive people crazy!!!!!!!!!
20 Dumbest People, Events and Things
50 worst thing about video game
bill gates died! really
top ten signs that your co-worker is a hacker
Harry Plodder Has Gotta Retire
Limited Thickwit's A Series of Uneventful Misfortunes
click those to go to Our exclusive list of the most annoying, aggravating, and highly obnoxious stuff that drive people crazy!!!!!!!!!
20 Dumbest People, Events and Things
50 worst thing about video game
bill gates died! really
top ten signs that your co-worker is a hacker
stop advertising your threads on other threads lol
News Flash!
Greenpeace and environmentalists have stressed their deepest concerns as the Ozone layer starts to deplete all over Australia in the next 6 weeks causing serious Greenhouse effects that will ultimately raise temperatures due to heavy flatulence as politicians from both major parties campaign for the up & coming federal election...
''I just made that up...'' ((( )))
Greenpeace and environmentalists have stressed their deepest concerns as the Ozone layer starts to deplete all over Australia in the next 6 weeks causing serious Greenhouse effects that will ultimately raise temperatures due to heavy flatulence as politicians from both major parties campaign for the up & coming federal election...
''I just made that up...'' (((
)))
SIGNS THAT YOU ARE NO LONGER A KID
You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age ..... and isn't breaking any laws.
You call Olan Mills before they call you.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You make an appointment to see the dentist.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
Neighbors borrow your tools.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"
You have a dream about prunes.
You answer a question with, "because I said so!"
You send money to PBS.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You know what the word "equity" means.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel. (My uncle calls the Weather Channel "Old Folks MTV.")
You can go bowling without drinking.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age ..... and isn't breaking any laws.
You call Olan Mills before they call you.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You make an appointment to see the dentist.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
Neighbors borrow your tools.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"
You have a dream about prunes.
You answer a question with, "because I said so!"
You send money to PBS.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You know what the word "equity" means.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel. (My uncle calls the Weather Channel "Old Folks MTV.")
You can go bowling without drinking.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
This was originally shown on BBC TV, back in the seventies.
Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger (though god knows how many takes)
The irony is that the BBC received not one complaint. Must hav been the speed of delivery was too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms as you read;
This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion.
Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.
At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.
The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forribl huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies.
The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.
Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.
Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian.
She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks
The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnligh otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.
At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve.
"Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.
The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.
Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart.
"Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince.
"Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.
When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers.
This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.
He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.
Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger (though god knows how many takes)
The irony is that the BBC received not one complaint. Must hav been the speed of delivery was too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms as you read;
This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion.
Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.
At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.
The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forribl huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies.
The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.
Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.
Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian.
She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks
The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnligh otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.
At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve.
"Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.
The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.
Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart.
"Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince.
"Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.
When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers.
This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.
He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.
QUOTE
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
yea.. im already do that
George Carlin 
Chevy Chase Steven Wright ...are all freak'n legends!
so's this dude...
#I was so poor growing up if I wasn't a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with.
# I'm so ugly that my mother had morning sickness.....AFTER I was born.
# I'm so ugly that my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
# I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
--Rodney Dangerfield
Chevy Chase Steven Wright ...are all freak'n legends!so's this dude...
#I was so poor growing up if I wasn't a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with.
# I'm so ugly that my mother had morning sickness.....AFTER I was born.
# I'm so ugly that my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
# I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
--Rodney Dangerfield
What do you get if you cross an insomniac,an agnostic and a dyslexic?
Someone who stays up all night wondering if theres a dog.
Someone who stays up all night wondering if theres a dog.
-= - = - = - = - = - = - WHEN YOU DIE - = - = - = - = - = - = -
Johnny: "My grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die.
It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too."
Tommy: "WOW! That's Incredible. How did he know all of that?!"
Johnny: "A judge told him."
Johnny: "My grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die.
It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too."
Tommy: "WOW! That's Incredible. How did he know all of that?!"
Johnny: "A judge told him."
The "My IQ is so high and your's is so low..." on several aspects
Music:
-My IQ is so high, Freddie Mercury can't sing it
-Your IQ is so low it inspires blues musicians
Military
-My IQ is so high you'll need a Surface to Space Missile to shoot it
-Your IQ is so low, you don't have to drop and give twenty
etc. continue at will
Music:
-My IQ is so high, Freddie Mercury can't sing it
-Your IQ is so low it inspires blues musicians
Military
-My IQ is so high you'll need a Surface to Space Missile to shoot it
-Your IQ is so low, you don't have to drop and give twenty
etc. continue at will
QUOTE (capoeiranger @ Nov 13 2007, 10:45 PM)
The "My IQ is so high and your's is so low..." on several aspects
Music:
-My IQ is so high, Freddie Mercury can't sing it
-Your IQ is so low it inspires blues musicians
Military
-My IQ is so high you'll need a Surface to Space Missile to shoot it
-Your IQ is so low, you don't have to drop and give twenty
etc. continue at will
Music:
-My IQ is so high, Freddie Mercury can't sing it
-Your IQ is so low it inspires blues musicians
Military
-My IQ is so high you'll need a Surface to Space Missile to shoot it
-Your IQ is so low, you don't have to drop and give twenty
etc. continue at will
Please stop.
a woman came out of her house and saw three men with long white beards sitting in her yard. She did not recognize them. So she said i dont think i know you, but you must be hungry. Would you like to come in an have some thing to eat?
Is the man of the house home?, they asked.
No, she replied. He is out
Then we cannot come in, they replied.
In the evening when her husband came home, she told him what had happened.
Go tell them i am home an invite them in, he told her.
she went out an invited them in.
we do not go into a house together, they replied.
why is that?, she asked.
want more then just have to ask for it
Is the man of the house home?, they asked.
No, she replied. He is out
Then we cannot come in, they replied.
In the evening when her husband came home, she told him what had happened.
Go tell them i am home an invite them in, he told her.
she went out an invited them in.
we do not go into a house together, they replied.
why is that?, she asked.
want more then just have to ask for it
Patient: ''DOCTOR DOCTOR, I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT SEX!''
Doctor: ''IT'S ALL IN YOUR BED.''
Doctor: ''IT'S ALL IN YOUR BED.''
diplomacy is the art of saying 'nice doggy' until you can find a stick
QUOTE (wolfieboy @ Nov 22 2007, 03:57 AM)
a woman came out of her house and saw three men with long white beards sitting in her yard. She did not recognize them. So she said i dont think i know you, but you must be hungry. Would you like to come in an have some thing to eat?
Is the man of the house home?, they asked.
No, she replied. He is out
Then we cannot come in, they replied.
In the evening when her husband came home, she told him what had happened.
Go tell them i am home an invite them in, he told her.
she went out an invited them in.
we do not go into a house together, they replied.
why is that?, she asked.
want more then just have to ask for it
Is the man of the house home?, they asked.
No, she replied. He is out
Then we cannot come in, they replied.
In the evening when her husband came home, she told him what had happened.
Go tell them i am home an invite them in, he told her.
she went out an invited them in.
we do not go into a house together, they replied.
why is that?, she asked.
want more then just have to ask for it
Dont ask for the ending, this is one of those religous moral storys that people bug you with by sending to ure email every week.
How do you get 4 gay guys to sit in a chair without touching each other???
Turn the chair upside down.
Turn the chair upside down.
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