Three engineers and three accountants are travelling by train to a conference.
At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all Three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers buy no tickets at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.
The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket please."
Full Version: Official Unified Jokes Thread
QUOTE (dest_titor1 @ Mar 7 2008, 02:57 AM) 
Three engineers and three accountants are travelling by train to a conference.
At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all Three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers buy no tickets at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.
The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket please."
At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all Three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers buy no tickets at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.
The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket please."
lmao
I love that one, my friend's an accountant so she'd appreciate that.Here's some of the things I wrote on my exam papers, I have no idea why I didn't pass.
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Centimeter: A long insect with 100 legs.
Strike while the .........insect is close.
Never underestimate the power of............ants.
Don't bite the hand that....................looks dirty.
Better to be safe than................punch a grade 7 boy.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll.......stink in the morning.
It's always darkest before............Daylight Saving Time.
You can lead a horse to water but...........how?
No news is..................................impossible.
A miss is as good as a......................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new..............maths.
Love all, trust.............................me.
The pen is mightier than the................pigs.
An idle mind is.....................the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's.................pollution.
Happy the bride who...............gets all the presents.
A penny saved is............................not much.
Two's company, three's.....................the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what....you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and..........you have to blow your nose.
There are none so blind as..................Stevie Wonder.
Children should be seen and not.............smacked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed...............get new batteries.
You get out of something only what you......see in the picture on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind........get out of the way.
Better late than............................pregnant
QUOTE (newyork40 @ Mar 19 2008, 10:30 PM)
I love that one, my friend's an accountant so she'd appreciate that.Here's some of the things I wrote on my exam papers, I have no idea why I didn't pass.
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Centimeter: A long insect with 100 legs.
Strike while the .........insect is close.
Never underestimate the power of............ants.
Don't bite the hand that....................looks dirty.
Better to be safe than................punch a grade 7 boy.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll.......stink in the morning.
It's always darkest before............Daylight Saving Time.
You can lead a horse to water but...........how?
No news is..................................impossible.
A miss is as good as a......................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new..............maths.
Love all, trust.............................me.
The pen is mightier than the................pigs.
An idle mind is.....................the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's.................pollution.
Happy the bride who...............gets all the presents.
A penny saved is............................not much.
Two's company, three's.....................the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what....you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and..........you have to blow your nose.
There are none so blind as..................Stevie Wonder.
Children should be seen and not.............smacked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed...............get new batteries.
You get out of something only what you......see in the picture on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind........get out of the way.
Better late than............................pregnant
thats one of the funniest ever!
A man takes his son to a horse sale, and runs his hand down the back and bottom of a promising mare.
His son asks. ''Why are you doing that for dad?'' The father explains, ''I'm seeing if i should buy this one.''
The boy bursts into tears and says. ''I think the man next door wants to buy mummy.''
His son asks. ''Why are you doing that for dad?'' The father explains, ''I'm seeing if i should buy this one.''
The boy bursts into tears and says. ''I think the man next door wants to buy mummy.''
Today I asked my boyfriend for a sexual innuendo, so he gave me one. 
This is a true story. 
It's not copied so I'm writing it from memory as best i can as it was told to me by my grandfather before he died...
Three Italian Brothers:
The oldest of them the wisest, the younger not so wise but pretty smart none the less and of course the youngest that wasn't very bright at all in fact was always getting put down and teased by the other two over the many years. Anyway one day their father had brought them together and requested to all three of them... ''That when i die i will leave you everything i have including my entire earnings and estate only on the one condition, that each of you place $100,000 in a secret compartment next to my grave just in case i'll need money on the other side.'' The 3 sons agreed. Sure enough years later the father passes away, so on the first day after the burial the oldest and wisest of the brothers arrives first at grave site places $100,000 in cash in the secret compartment and quietly leaves. On day two after the burial the second of the brothers who's not the wisest but still pretty smart places $100,000 in cash and then quietly leaves. Finally on the the third day the youngest & dumbest of the 3 brothers arrives at the graves and writes out a cheque for $300,000 signs it and places it in the secret compartment then takes the $200,000 cash...
It's not copied so I'm writing it from memory as best i can as it was told to me by my grandfather before he died...
Three Italian Brothers:
The oldest of them the wisest, the younger not so wise but pretty smart none the less and of course the youngest that wasn't very bright at all in fact was always getting put down and teased by the other two over the many years. Anyway one day their father had brought them together and requested to all three of them... ''That when i die i will leave you everything i have including my entire earnings and estate only on the one condition, that each of you place $100,000 in a secret compartment next to my grave just in case i'll need money on the other side.'' The 3 sons agreed. Sure enough years later the father passes away, so on the first day after the burial the oldest and wisest of the brothers arrives first at grave site places $100,000 in cash in the secret compartment and quietly leaves. On day two after the burial the second of the brothers who's not the wisest but still pretty smart places $100,000 in cash and then quietly leaves. Finally on the the third day the youngest & dumbest of the 3 brothers arrives at the graves and writes out a cheque for $300,000 signs it and places it in the secret compartment then takes the $200,000 cash...
The Manager was self-conscious because he had no ears. So when he hired an employee, he asked each candidate, ''See anything unusual about me?''
The first replied, ''You have no ears.'' He was shown the door. When the second candidate's response was the same, he was also tossed out. But the third guy had a different answer. ''Your wearing contact lenses.'' ''How did you know?'' ''Because glasses weren't really an option, were they?''
The first replied, ''You have no ears.'' He was shown the door. When the second candidate's response was the same, he was also tossed out. But the third guy had a different answer. ''Your wearing contact lenses.'' ''How did you know?'' ''Because glasses weren't really an option, were they?''
QUOTE (REBEL @ Apr 17 2008, 02:14 PM)
The Manager was self-conscious because he had no ears. So when he hired an employee, he asked each candidate, ''See anything unusual about me?''
The first replied, ''You have no ears.'' He was shown the door. When the second candidate's response was the same, he was also tossed out. But the third guy had a different answer. ''Your wearing contact lenses.'' ''How did you know?'' ''Because glasses weren't really an option, were they?''
The first replied, ''You have no ears.'' He was shown the door. When the second candidate's response was the same, he was also tossed out. But the third guy had a different answer. ''Your wearing contact lenses.'' ''How did you know?'' ''Because glasses weren't really an option, were they?''
lmao
A clumsy man was working with a saw one day when he accidentaly severed one of his hands.
his friend calmed him down, took his hand and said "dont worry just put it in a plastic bag and get it re-attatched at hospital"
the next day, the man gets his hand reattatched and goes out to chop some wood. he accidentally severs one of his legs.
the same friend calms him down and says " dont worry, do the same again, put it in a plastic bag and take it to hospital"
the day after that the man returns home with his leg re-attatched, he decides to do some DIY and while operating a chainsaw he accidentally severs his head.
his friend takes his head and puts it in a plastic bag, saying "dont worry we'll get it reatatched in no time.", unfortunately, the man dies.
Several days afterwards his friend attends his funeral, and asks his berieved wife "how did he die"
"he suffocated in the plastic bag" she said simpley...
his friend calmed him down, took his hand and said "dont worry just put it in a plastic bag and get it re-attatched at hospital"
the next day, the man gets his hand reattatched and goes out to chop some wood. he accidentally severs one of his legs.
the same friend calms him down and says " dont worry, do the same again, put it in a plastic bag and take it to hospital"
the day after that the man returns home with his leg re-attatched, he decides to do some DIY and while operating a chainsaw he accidentally severs his head.
his friend takes his head and puts it in a plastic bag, saying "dont worry we'll get it reatatched in no time.", unfortunately, the man dies.
Several days afterwards his friend attends his funeral, and asks his berieved wife "how did he die"
"he suffocated in the plastic bag" she said simpley...
A Job interviewer asks a man, ''Why did you leave your last job''?
''It was something my boss said, he replies.
''What did he say?''
'' You're fired! ''
''It was something my boss said, he replies.
''What did he say?''
'' You're fired! ''
Anyone hear about the dyslexic devil worsipping cult
They all sold their souls to santa
They all sold their souls to santa
How do you get an elephant into a plastic Safe Way bag? You take the F out of Safe and the F out of way......You should be saying, "there is no f in way!"
What do you get when you cross a bee with a parrot? An animal that talks about how busy it is...
Theres this dad and his 3 daughters are going out on their first date all on the same night. He decides to check out all their dates and carried a shotgun.
The first date rang the doorbell and said," Hello, my name is Joe, Im here for Flo. We're going to a show. Is she ready to go?" The father said ok, and they left.
The second date rang the doorbell and said," Hello my name is Eddy, Im here for Betty. We're going for spahegtti. Is she ready?" The father said okay, and they left.
The third date rang the doorbell and said," Hello, my name is Chuck." And the father shot him right there.
Wanna hear a joke? Womens' Rights
Why do women spend so much money on clothes, when they look better without them?
The first date rang the doorbell and said," Hello, my name is Joe, Im here for Flo. We're going to a show. Is she ready to go?" The father said ok, and they left.
The second date rang the doorbell and said," Hello my name is Eddy, Im here for Betty. We're going for spahegtti. Is she ready?" The father said okay, and they left.
The third date rang the doorbell and said," Hello, my name is Chuck." And the father shot him right there.
Wanna hear a joke? Womens' Rights
Why do women spend so much money on clothes, when they look better without them?
QUOTE (Camozotz @ May 1 2008, 07:22 PM)
Theres this dad and his 3 daughters are going out on their first date all on the same night. He decides to check out all their dates and carried a shotgun.
The first date rang the doorbell and said," Hello, my name is Joe, Im here for Flo. We're going to a show. Is she ready to go?" The father said ok, and they left.
The second date rang the doorbell and said," Hello my name is Eddy, Im here for Betty. We're going for spahegtti. Is she ready?" The father said okay, and they left.
The third date rang the doorbell and said," Hello, my name is Chuck." And the father shot him right there.
The first date rang the doorbell and said," Hello, my name is Joe, Im here for Flo. We're going to a show. Is she ready to go?" The father said ok, and they left.
The second date rang the doorbell and said," Hello my name is Eddy, Im here for Betty. We're going for spahegtti. Is she ready?" The father said okay, and they left.
The third date rang the doorbell and said," Hello, my name is Chuck." And the father shot him right there.
LMAO!!!
A mechanic is under a car when a drop of brake fluid lands in his mouth. He thinks Holy crap! This stuff tastes great! He tells his friend about it and also tells him hes been drinking it a cup a day. Over the next couple days his friend grows concerned as he starts drinking it in 591 ml bottles a day.
He says to his friend, "You shouldnt be drinking that! Its poison!"
The guy says, "No worries! I can stop anytime..."
He says to his friend, "You shouldnt be drinking that! Its poison!"
The guy says, "No worries! I can stop anytime..."
A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'
'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
'Try it now,' said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?
The bee answered...
(scroll down)
I'm reposting this one from a topic I did two years ago. I had forgotten all about it and I still think it's funny. So...
QUOTE
A man walks by a little coffee shop in Ohio, and he sees a sign that says, "Talking Dog For Sale", and he decides to go inside.
So he walks up to the owner of the shop and asks, "Is there really a talking dog for sale?". The shop owner whips around and says, "Yep. Out in the back. You can go talk to him if you want". The man jumps at the opportunity to talk to the dog, how often do you get to talk to a.. talking dog?
The man goes out back to the dog and says, "Do you really talk?"
The dog replies, "All my life, sir."
The man says, "Wow, you really can talk! Why are you here? You could do a lot of things with this talent"
Dog: "I did. For a while I would go into foreign offices and spy on the enemy, I mean they would never expect the pooch to be spying on them, right?"
Man: "Of course not"
Dog: "Well, back then I had everything I could want, money, food, love, female dogs..."
Man: "What did you do after that?"
Dog: "Well, I retired and worked in an 'ol folks home for a few years, until I found a lovely female dog whom I fell in love with.. Needless to say, we mated and had puppies... So now I'm just living out my last years in peace."
Man: "Wow, You're one great dog! This deal is done for sure!"
So, the man walks back inside and says to the owner: "That dog is GREAT! He's done so much, he's really awesome! How much?"
The owner replies: "10 bucks"
Man: "Why only 10 bucks for such a good dog?"
Owner: "Because he's a f***ing liar, he's never done any of that stuff..."
So he walks up to the owner of the shop and asks, "Is there really a talking dog for sale?". The shop owner whips around and says, "Yep. Out in the back. You can go talk to him if you want". The man jumps at the opportunity to talk to the dog, how often do you get to talk to a.. talking dog?
The man goes out back to the dog and says, "Do you really talk?"
The dog replies, "All my life, sir."
The man says, "Wow, you really can talk! Why are you here? You could do a lot of things with this talent"
Dog: "I did. For a while I would go into foreign offices and spy on the enemy, I mean they would never expect the pooch to be spying on them, right?"
Man: "Of course not"
Dog: "Well, back then I had everything I could want, money, food, love, female dogs..."
Man: "What did you do after that?"
Dog: "Well, I retired and worked in an 'ol folks home for a few years, until I found a lovely female dog whom I fell in love with.. Needless to say, we mated and had puppies... So now I'm just living out my last years in peace."
Man: "Wow, You're one great dog! This deal is done for sure!"
So, the man walks back inside and says to the owner: "That dog is GREAT! He's done so much, he's really awesome! How much?"
The owner replies: "10 bucks"
Man: "Why only 10 bucks for such a good dog?"
Owner: "Because he's a f***ing liar, he's never done any of that stuff..."
SPAGHETTI
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey', she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, and Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.'
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey', she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, and Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.'
QUOTE (Bear's Quest @ May 9 2008, 10:56 AM)
SPAGHETTI
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey', she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, and Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.'
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey', she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, and Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.'
roflmfao
The amount of time it took me to get that joke... I must be slow today.
gas humor
Pastor's Business Card
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.
Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned.
Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.
Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned.
Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
QUOTE (Bear's Quest @ May 14 2008, 07:22 AM)
Pastor's Business Card
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.
Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned.
Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.
Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned.
Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
lolz
Can you solve this puzzle?
You are riding on a beautiful white horse.
On your left side is a drop off.
On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion.
In front of you are four large gazelles that won't get out of your way
And you can't seem to overtake them.
Behind you is a stampede of horses.
What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?
For the answer click and drag your mouse from star to star.
*Get your drunk ass off the carousel.*
You are riding on a beautiful white horse.
On your left side is a drop off.
On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion.
In front of you are four large gazelles that won't get out of your way
And you can't seem to overtake them.
Behind you is a stampede of horses.
What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?
For the answer click and drag your mouse from star to star.
*Get your drunk ass off the carousel.*
After a funeral service, the pallbearers are caring the coffin out of the church when they accidentally bump into the wall. From inside the coffin they hear a faint moan. Opening the lid, they find a man inside alive. He leaps out, performs a little jig, and lives another ten years before eventually kneeling over.
Once again, the ceremony is conducted and at the end the pallbearers carry out the coffin. As they head towards the doors, the wife od the deceased leaps to her feet and shouts, ''Watch the wall!''
Once again, the ceremony is conducted and at the end the pallbearers carry out the coffin. As they head towards the doors, the wife od the deceased leaps to her feet and shouts, ''Watch the wall!''
QUOTE (Bear's Quest @ May 9 2008, 01:56 PM)
SPAGHETTI
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey', she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, and Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.'
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey', she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, and Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.'
LMAO........
QUOTE (goalienan @ May 30 2008, 04:54 AM)
LMAO........
lmfao i loved that one.
someone may have already put thiz joke but wut the heck I like it =] lol
An 80yr old man walks into a sperm bank and says
"I'd like to donate some sperm"
The receptionist looks at the old man and says
"sir, I dont think its very wise, maybe you are too old for this"
The old man gets angry and starts cursing so the receptionist gets fed up and hands him a form to fill in, gives him a jar and points him towards a small room.
So the old man took the jar and went into the room and shut the door.
After a few secongs the receptionist hears the old man moaning and groaning, yelling and cursing. She hears what seems to be, things falling off the shelves.
After twenty minutes the old man comes out, sweat dripping from his forehead, his shirt hanging out.
He walks up to the receptionist and hands her the empty jar and says
"maybe I am too old for this, I tried with my left hand, I tried with my right hand, heck, I even tried using both hands but I still could'nt get the jar open".
An 80yr old man walks into a sperm bank and says
"I'd like to donate some sperm"
The receptionist looks at the old man and says
"sir, I dont think its very wise, maybe you are too old for this"
The old man gets angry and starts cursing so the receptionist gets fed up and hands him a form to fill in, gives him a jar and points him towards a small room.
So the old man took the jar and went into the room and shut the door.
After a few secongs the receptionist hears the old man moaning and groaning, yelling and cursing. She hears what seems to be, things falling off the shelves.
After twenty minutes the old man comes out, sweat dripping from his forehead, his shirt hanging out.
He walks up to the receptionist and hands her the empty jar and says
"maybe I am too old for this, I tried with my left hand, I tried with my right hand, heck, I even tried using both hands but I still could'nt get the jar open".
QUOTE (jaks.ko.ex @ May 31 2008, 09:26 PM)
someone may have already put thiz joke but wut the heck I like it =] lol
An 80yr old man walks into a sperm bank and says
"I'd like to donate some sperm"
The receptionist looks at the old man and says
"sir, I dont think its very wise, maybe you are too old for this"
The old man gets angry and starts cursing so the receptionist gets fed up and hands him a form to fill in, gives him a jar and points him towards a small room.
So the old man took the jar and went into the room and shut the door.
After a few secongs the receptionist hears the old man moaning and groaning, yelling and cursing. She hears what seems to be, things falling off the shelves.
After twenty minutes the old man comes out, sweat dripping from his forehead, his shirt hanging out.
He walks up to the receptionist and hands her the empty jar and says
"maybe I am too old for this, I tried with my left hand, I tried with my right hand, heck, I even tried using both hands but I still could'nt get the jar open".
An 80yr old man walks into a sperm bank and says
"I'd like to donate some sperm"
The receptionist looks at the old man and says
"sir, I dont think its very wise, maybe you are too old for this"
The old man gets angry and starts cursing so the receptionist gets fed up and hands him a form to fill in, gives him a jar and points him towards a small room.
So the old man took the jar and went into the room and shut the door.
After a few secongs the receptionist hears the old man moaning and groaning, yelling and cursing. She hears what seems to be, things falling off the shelves.
After twenty minutes the old man comes out, sweat dripping from his forehead, his shirt hanging out.
He walks up to the receptionist and hands her the empty jar and says
"maybe I am too old for this, I tried with my left hand, I tried with my right hand, heck, I even tried using both hands but I still could'nt get the jar open".
rofl
QUOTE (jaks.ko.ex @ May 31 2008, 10:26 PM)
someone may have already put thiz joke but wut the heck I like it =] lol
An 80yr old man walks into a sperm bank and says
"I'd like to donate some sperm"
The receptionist looks at the old man and says
"sir, I dont think its very wise, maybe you are too old for this"
The old man gets angry and starts cursing so the receptionist gets fed up and hands him a form to fill in, gives him a jar and points him towards a small room.
So the old man took the jar and went into the room and shut the door.
After a few secongs the receptionist hears the old man moaning and groaning, yelling and cursing. She hears what seems to be, things falling off the shelves.
After twenty minutes the old man comes out, sweat dripping from his forehead, his shirt hanging out.
He walks up to the receptionist and hands her the empty jar and says
"maybe I am too old for this, I tried with my left hand, I tried with my right hand, heck, I even tried using both hands but I still could'nt get the jar open".
An 80yr old man walks into a sperm bank and says
"I'd like to donate some sperm"
The receptionist looks at the old man and says
"sir, I dont think its very wise, maybe you are too old for this"
The old man gets angry and starts cursing so the receptionist gets fed up and hands him a form to fill in, gives him a jar and points him towards a small room.
So the old man took the jar and went into the room and shut the door.
After a few secongs the receptionist hears the old man moaning and groaning, yelling and cursing. She hears what seems to be, things falling off the shelves.
After twenty minutes the old man comes out, sweat dripping from his forehead, his shirt hanging out.
He walks up to the receptionist and hands her the empty jar and says
"maybe I am too old for this, I tried with my left hand, I tried with my right hand, heck, I even tried using both hands but I still could'nt get the jar open".
LMAO!
A foreman was back from his lunch break when he heard that his new apprentice was run over by a steamroller and was taken to the hospital. So worried, he left the site immediately to see if he is okay. On arriving there, the nurse said "he's going to live." A big sigh of relief was let out and he asked, "When can I visit him!"
"You can now!" she replied. "He is in room 303,304,305, and 306!"
Spelling
"You can now!" she replied. "He is in room 303,304,305, and 306!"
Spelling
HER DIARY:
Tonight: I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at the pub after work for a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day
long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but
he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested
that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't
say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it
was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had
nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I
told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I
can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you,
too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if
he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and
watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with
silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later,
he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made
love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were
somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm
almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY:
Liverpool got knocked out of the championship today, but at least I got a shag.
Tonight: I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at the pub after work for a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day
long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but
he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested
that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't
say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it
was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had
nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I
told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I
can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you,
too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if
he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and
watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with
silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later,
he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made
love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were
somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm
almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY:
Liverpool got knocked out of the championship today, but at least I got a shag.
QUOTE (Showgirl @ Jun 6 2008, 01:44 AM)
HER DIARY:
Tonight: I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at the pub after work for a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day
long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but
he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested
that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't
say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it
was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had
nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I
told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I
can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you,
too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if
he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and
watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with
silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later,
he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made
love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were
somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm
almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY:
Liverpool got knocked out of the championship today, but at least I got a shag.
Tonight: I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at the pub after work for a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day
long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but
he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested
that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't
say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it
was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had
nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I
told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I
can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you,
too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if
he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and
watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with
silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later,
he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made
love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were
somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm
almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY:
Liverpool got knocked out of the championship today, but at least I got a shag.
OH that was brilliant! 10/10!
QUOTE (Showgirl @ Jun 6 2008, 12:44 AM)
HER DIARY:
Tonight: I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at the pub after work for a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day
long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but
he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested
that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't
say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it
was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had
nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I
told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I
can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you,
too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if
he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and
watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with
silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later,
he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made
love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were
somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm
almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY:
Liverpool got knocked out of the championship today, but at least I got a shag.
Tonight: I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at the pub after work for a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day
long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but
he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested
that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't
say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it
was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had
nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I
told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I
can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you,
too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if
he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and
watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with
silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later,
he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made
love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were
somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm
almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY:
Liverpool got knocked out of the championship today, but at least I got a shag.
lmfao
QUOTE (Mystic Mog @ Feb 14 2005, 06:12 AM)
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy cow," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I
wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics , religion, sports,
physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants
me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational!! He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, is insightful. It even watches the footie with him!!! The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst,"
and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie….got down on his knees and began kissing her all over...."
Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Fu*kd if I know…I got an erecti*n and fell off my perch!"
It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy cow," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I
wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics , religion, sports,
physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants
me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational!! He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, is insightful. It even watches the footie with him!!! The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst,"
and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie….got down on his knees and began kissing her all over...."
Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Fu*kd if I know…I got an erecti*n and fell off my perch!"
This was a realy good joke I'm still cracking up!
QUOTE (Justice please @ Jun 7 2008, 10:57 PM)
This was a realy good joke I'm still cracking up!
Ok here's a joke for you all.
A older man was sitting at a bar when three young chicks came in and starting flirting and teasing him.
The girls were all over him and he was really excited so he asked them if they would like to go home with him.
The girls said, "sure but we need to go home and freshen up a bit."
They left and the man went running to see his pharmacist friend and asked him. "hey these three hot chicks are coming over later and I need something to satisfy them all."
His friend said, "heres something for you but only take one pill no more than that do you understand? the guy said sure.
When he got home he began to think, " hey there are three girls I had better take three pills to please them all."
The next day the man went to see his pharmacist friend. When the pharmacist saw him the mans member was ripped to shreds.
The pharmacist said, "How many pills did you take?!" the guy said, "well I took three" Three! said the pharmacist. " What do you want from me?" the guy said, " Can you give me some ointment?" OINTMENT! I can't give you any ointment for that! The man said, "it's not for that it's for my arms the girls never did show up!"
QUOTE (Justice please @ Jun 8 2008, 12:08 AM)
Ok here's a joke for you all.
A older man was sitting at a bar when three young chicks came in and starting flirting and teasing him.
The girls were all over him and he was really excited so he asked them if they would like to go home with him.
The girls said, "sure but we need to go home and freshen up a bit."
They left and the man went running to see his pharmacist friend and asked him. "hey these three hot chicks are coming over later and I need something to satisfy them all."
His friend said, "heres something for you but only take one pill no more than that do you understand? the guy said sure.
When he got home he began to think, " hey there are three girls I had better take three pills to please them all."
The next day the man went to see his pharmacist friend. When the pharmacist saw him the mans member was ripped to shreds.
The pharmacist said, "How many pills did you take?!" the guy said, "well I took three" Three! said the pharmacist. " What do you want from me?" the guy said, " Can you give me some ointment?" OINTMENT! I can't give you any ointment for that! The man said, "it's not for that it's for my arms the girls never did show up!"
A older man was sitting at a bar when three young chicks came in and starting flirting and teasing him.
The girls were all over him and he was really excited so he asked them if they would like to go home with him.
The girls said, "sure but we need to go home and freshen up a bit."
They left and the man went running to see his pharmacist friend and asked him. "hey these three hot chicks are coming over later and I need something to satisfy them all."
His friend said, "heres something for you but only take one pill no more than that do you understand? the guy said sure.
When he got home he began to think, " hey there are three girls I had better take three pills to please them all."
The next day the man went to see his pharmacist friend. When the pharmacist saw him the mans member was ripped to shreds.
The pharmacist said, "How many pills did you take?!" the guy said, "well I took three" Three! said the pharmacist. " What do you want from me?" the guy said, " Can you give me some ointment?" OINTMENT! I can't give you any ointment for that! The man said, "it's not for that it's for my arms the girls never did show up!"
lmao............poor guy
Three guys are at the top of a huge water slide when they notice a genie. He says to them, "Since there are 3 of you, I will grant you each one wish. When you are going down the slide, simply shout what you want and it will appear at the bottom when you get there."
So the first guy goes down and shouts, "A billion dollars," and he lands in a pile of money.
The second guy goes down the slide and shouts, "Beautiful women," and he arrives to a line of hot models.
Then the third guy is so excited going down the slide that he shouts, "WEEEEEEEEE!"
So the first guy goes down and shouts, "A billion dollars," and he lands in a pile of money.
The second guy goes down the slide and shouts, "Beautiful women," and he arrives to a line of hot models.
Then the third guy is so excited going down the slide that he shouts, "WEEEEEEEEE!"
QUOTE (louie @ Jun 9 2008, 09:12 AM)
Three guys are at the top of a huge water slide when they notice a genie. He says to them, "Since there are 3 of you, I will grant you each one wish. When you are going down the slide, simply shout what you want and it will appear at the bottom when you get there."
So the first guy goes down and shouts, "A billion dollars," and he lands in a pile of money.
The second guy goes down the slide and shouts, "Beautiful women," and he arrives to a line of hot models.
Then the third guy is so excited going down the slide that he shouts, "WEEEEEEEEE!"
So the first guy goes down and shouts, "A billion dollars," and he lands in a pile of money.
The second guy goes down the slide and shouts, "Beautiful women," and he arrives to a line of hot models.
Then the third guy is so excited going down the slide that he shouts, "WEEEEEEEEE!"
lmao,genius that guy is.
A son asks his dad whats the difference between ''theoretically'' & realistically''. Dad says thats hard, but i have an idea. Ask mum if she would sleep with the milkman for $1 million. Mum says yes. Dad says now ask your sister if she'll sleep with the newspaper man for $2 million. Sister says yes. Well there you go son, thats your answer...theoretically we're sitting on $3 million, but realistically we're living with 2 sl*ts.
[quote name='Silent-Storm' date='Feb 16 2005, 10:03 AM' post='490235']
Sorry but this is kinda clean..
A guy moves into an apartment complex.
He's putting his name on his mailbox when he hears a door open in the
hall.
He glances towards the door and sees a gorgeous woman dressed only in a
bathrobe come out.
He tries not to look at her as she gets her mail, but she engages him in
conversation.
As they talk she turns to look down the hall and her robe opens slightly
and he notices she is wearing only the robe.
They talk a little more, and she says, "Shhh, I think I hear somebody
coming. Could we continue this conversation in my apartment?" He agrees to
this.
As they talk in her apartment, she moves and her robe falls to the floor
and he gets a good eyeful.
She then says, "Now that you've had a good look, what do you think is the
best part of my body?"
He says, "Your ears."
She is downright speechless but finally replies, "My ears? Look at these
breasts, look at this butt, look at my *****. How can you say my ears?"
He replied, "Remember in the hall when you said you heard somebody
coming?
That was me!"
That really cracked me up!!!!
Sorry but this is kinda clean..
A guy moves into an apartment complex.
He's putting his name on his mailbox when he hears a door open in the
hall.
He glances towards the door and sees a gorgeous woman dressed only in a
bathrobe come out.
He tries not to look at her as she gets her mail, but she engages him in
conversation.
As they talk she turns to look down the hall and her robe opens slightly
and he notices she is wearing only the robe.
They talk a little more, and she says, "Shhh, I think I hear somebody
coming. Could we continue this conversation in my apartment?" He agrees to
this.
As they talk in her apartment, she moves and her robe falls to the floor
and he gets a good eyeful.
She then says, "Now that you've had a good look, what do you think is the
best part of my body?"
He says, "Your ears."
She is downright speechless but finally replies, "My ears? Look at these
breasts, look at this butt, look at my *****. How can you say my ears?"
He replied, "Remember in the hall when you said you heard somebody
coming?
That was me!"
That really cracked me up!!!!
QUOTE (Justice please @ Jun 7 2008, 11:08 PM)
Ok here's a joke for you all.
A older man was sitting at a bar when three young chicks came in and starting flirting and teasing him.
The girls were all over him and he was really excited so he asked them if they would like to go home with him.
The girls said, "sure but we need to go home and freshen up a bit."
They left and the man went running to see his pharmacist friend and asked him. "hey these three hot chicks are coming over later and I need something to satisfy them all."
His friend said, "heres something for you but only take one pill no more than that do you understand? the guy said sure.
When he got home he began to think, " hey there are three girls I had better take three pills to please them all."
The next day the man went to see his pharmacist friend. When the pharmacist saw him the mans member was ripped to shreds.
The pharmacist said, "How many pills did you take?!" the guy said, "well I took three" Three! said the pharmacist. " What do you want from me?" the guy said, " Can you give me some ointment?" OINTMENT! I can't give you any ointment for that! The man said, "it's not for that it's for my arms the girls never did show up!"
A older man was sitting at a bar when three young chicks came in and starting flirting and teasing him.
The girls were all over him and he was really excited so he asked them if they would like to go home with him.
The girls said, "sure but we need to go home and freshen up a bit."
They left and the man went running to see his pharmacist friend and asked him. "hey these three hot chicks are coming over later and I need something to satisfy them all."
His friend said, "heres something for you but only take one pill no more than that do you understand? the guy said sure.
When he got home he began to think, " hey there are three girls I had better take three pills to please them all."
The next day the man went to see his pharmacist friend. When the pharmacist saw him the mans member was ripped to shreds.
The pharmacist said, "How many pills did you take?!" the guy said, "well I took three" Three! said the pharmacist. " What do you want from me?" the guy said, " Can you give me some ointment?" OINTMENT! I can't give you any ointment for that! The man said, "it's not for that it's for my arms the girls never did show up!"
Have another joke for you all.
A Native American had never had a woman before so he went down to the local house of prostitution.
He knocked on the door and the madam answered. "What can I do for you?"
The Native American said, "Me wantum women" The madam said what? He said, "Me wantum woman"
The madame said, "I guess you've never had a woman before have you?' The Native American said, "Ug"
The madame said, "Well I want you to go down to the forest and find a tree with a hole in it practice on it for a month. When you get
back I will give you the finest woman I have." The Native American said, "Ug" and went to the forest.
Sometime past when there was a knock at the door again. The madame answered the door and saw that it was the Native American
she said, "Hello big boy come on in!" She was good to her word and asked for Lola to come on down.
Lola came down with all her fineness. She took the man up to her room and started to take off her panties when
the Native American started kicking her all over her ***. She screamed and said, "What the hell is wrong with you!?"
The Native American said, "Me checkum for bees!"
QUOTE (REBEL @ Apr 23 2008, 02:28 AM)
A Job interviewer asks a man, ''Why did you leave your last job''?
''It was something my boss said, he replies.
''What did he say?''
'' You're fired! ''
''It was something my boss said, he replies.
''What did he say?''
'' You're fired! ''
I loved this one!
QUOTE (seffy @ Dec 8 2007, 05:15 AM)
A teacher stands in front of her junior school (kindergarten (sp)) class.
"Well children, what did we all do over the weekend?"
Little Tommy puts his hand up. "I read a book Miss."
"Really Tommy, and what was the book?"
"The Red Choo-Choo Miss."
The Teacher looked sternly at Tommy. "Now Tommy, we use grown up words now, don't we? What did you read?"
"The Red Train Miss."
"That's better. Did anyone else read a book?"
A little girl near the front put her hand up.
"Yes Judith, what did you read?"
"Winnie The Sh*t."
"Well children, what did we all do over the weekend?"
Little Tommy puts his hand up. "I read a book Miss."
"Really Tommy, and what was the book?"
"The Red Choo-Choo Miss."
The Teacher looked sternly at Tommy. "Now Tommy, we use grown up words now, don't we? What did you read?"
"The Red Train Miss."
"That's better. Did anyone else read a book?"
A little girl near the front put her hand up.
"Yes Judith, what did you read?"
"Winnie The Sh*t."
The first day of school the teacher Mrs. Smith said to the students, "This year I won't take any rudness from any of you. So you'd better
watch how you behave." Then she started to take roll she suddenly came across a little boy who's name was Johnny F---khauer. The teacher became
angry and said, "Didn't I just tell you I wouldn't allow anyone to misbehave!?" What is your last name Johnny? "mam my name IS Johnny F---khauer.
If you don't believe me go across the hall to my little brother Eddie in the third grade."
The teacher listened to him because now she was curious. She went to the room across the hall and realized that the teacher wasn't in there and all
the students were in their seats. Mrs. Smith said, " Is there a F---khauer here?"
One little kid stood up and said, "Are you kidding lady we don't even get a cookie break!
[quote name='The Roswell Man' date='Mar 8 2005, 06:51 AM' post='516143']
Countdown
After months of ill-health, a man goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. ‘I'm afraid I have some very bad news,’ says the physician. ‘You're dying, and you don't have much time left.’ ‘Oh, that's terrible!’ says the man. ‘How long have I got?’ ‘Ten,’ the doctor replies, shaking his head. ‘Ten?’ the man asks. ‘Ten what? Months? Weeks? What do you mean?’ The doctor looks at him sadly. ‘Nine …’
Here's one for you all.
A man went to see his doctor and the doctor told him I have bad news for you, you have GASH. The man said, "what does that mean" the doc replied you have gonorrhea, aids, syphillis and herpes. The man said, "Is there anything you can do for me doc?" The doc said, "we're gonna have to put you on a diet of pancakes, pita bread & pizza." The man said, "will that cure me?"
No said the doc, "but its the only thing we can get under the door."
Countdown
After months of ill-health, a man goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. ‘I'm afraid I have some very bad news,’ says the physician. ‘You're dying, and you don't have much time left.’ ‘Oh, that's terrible!’ says the man. ‘How long have I got?’ ‘Ten,’ the doctor replies, shaking his head. ‘Ten?’ the man asks. ‘Ten what? Months? Weeks? What do you mean?’ The doctor looks at him sadly. ‘Nine …’
Here's one for you all.
A man went to see his doctor and the doctor told him I have bad news for you, you have GASH. The man said, "what does that mean" the doc replied you have gonorrhea, aids, syphillis and herpes. The man said, "Is there anything you can do for me doc?" The doc said, "we're gonna have to put you on a diet of pancakes, pita bread & pizza." The man said, "will that cure me?"
No said the doc, "but its the only thing we can get under the door."
(sorry for all the CAPS. I just copied this from and email I just received)
DO YOU FART IN BED?
IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FOR LAUGHING SO HARD, LET ME KNOW .
THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.
THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR. EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T.STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.
THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE THANKSGIVING MORNING AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER. SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS .
SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD..
ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER.
HE SAID, "HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT." "ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU".
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" ASKED HIS WIFE
"WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED."
BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN."
DO YOU FART IN BED?
IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FOR LAUGHING SO HARD, LET ME KNOW .
THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.
THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR. EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T.STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.
THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE THANKSGIVING MORNING AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER. SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS .
SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD..
ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER.
HE SAID, "HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT." "ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU".
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" ASKED HIS WIFE
"WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED."
BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN."
QUOTE (BiffSplitkins @ Jun 18 2008, 06:53 AM)
(sorry for all the CAPS. I just copied this from and email I just received)
DO YOU FART IN BED?
IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FOR LAUGHING SO HARD, LET ME KNOW .
THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.
THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR. EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T.STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.
THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE THANKSGIVING MORNING AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER. SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS .
SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD..
ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER.
HE SAID, "HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT." "ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU".
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" ASKED HIS WIFE
"WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED."
BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN."
DO YOU FART IN BED?
IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FOR LAUGHING SO HARD, LET ME KNOW .
THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.
THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR. EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T.STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.
THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE THANKSGIVING MORNING AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER. SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS .
SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD..
ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER.
HE SAID, "HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT." "ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU".
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" ASKED HIS WIFE
"WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED."
BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN."
omg
QUOTE (BiffSplitkins @ Jun 18 2008, 09:53 PM)
(sorry for all the CAPS. I just copied this from and email I just received)
DO YOU FART IN BED?
IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FOR LAUGHING SO HARD, LET ME KNOW .
THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.
THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR. EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T.STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.
THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE THANKSGIVING MORNING AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER. SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS .
SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD..
ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER.
HE SAID, "HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT." "ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU".
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" ASKED HIS WIFE
"WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED."
BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN."
DO YOU FART IN BED?
IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FOR LAUGHING SO HARD, LET ME KNOW .
THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.
THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR. EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T.STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.
THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE THANKSGIVING MORNING AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER. SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS .
SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD..
ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER.
HE SAID, "HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT." "ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU".
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" ASKED HIS WIFE
"WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED."
BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN."
That Fit in his... Wow! just amazing! But hey it gave me a good laugh.
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