A 23 year old man today was arrested trying to gain access to a highly classified governemnt facility. The highly controversial facility "Site 4" had been rumored to contain the research efforts of "UFO" crash retrieval. A press release from the Central Intelligence agency said today "At 2142hours monday morning a 23 year old caucasian male was captured entering the facility with false identification. He attempted to gain access to the sensitive areas of the facility, which alerted the security forces. He was arrested and brought to Langley for interrogation. His motives thus far have not been determined, yet we suspect he was after intelligence for foreign espionage elements. Site 4 does not exist, do not go there.". A mixed feeling came from Pentagon officials, but relatives and friends of the 23 year old male, suggest he was after "hard proof of extra terrestrial contact". The man whose name was only released to the press, under a oath of secrecy will not have his identity revealed for national security reasons. However we would also like to remind everyone that the new bill passed shortly after this event called "enslavement act 1" will prevent foreign nationals and american citzens from approaching classified bases, with a shoot to kill policy. This is new world order news, reporting live from the pentagon. Next on NWON "are you taking you mind control pills?" a survey reveals that not all citzens are taking our pills for total world domination.

Homer has become the undisputed ruler of the world! Through years of planting agents in the upper echelon of world governments and their armed forces, Homer has overthrown all of the world’s governments and military without a single casualty.

With the few pockets of resistance expected to be wiped out in a few weeks, Homer has declared broad sweeping changes to global policy. Countries will continue to practice their own cultures, including religion and language, but the armed forces are under the control of Homer, and taxes will be paid to Homer.

Conflict in the Middle East has already been stopped as Christians, Jews and the various Islamic sects are seen rejoicing together in the streets.


With the abolishment of global conflicts, and all trade being controlled by Homer, the U.N. and IMF have been dissolved. The reduced need of a military will enable large scale funds into research and development on space exploration and offensive space based weapons.

Tomorrow on Valentines Day, Homer is expected to outline his plan for intergalactic conquest, and recent polls shows he has 99% support of the global population, and as already stated, the other 1% should be wiped out within a few weeks.

Dot's Picnic, the long awaited and highly anticipated social event of the season was a smashing success. Guests from all over the world brought a plethora of strange and wonderful things.  Reports of a monkey getting shot have not yet been confirmed...

Today an American male known only as Joc was shot dead outside the Presidential Palace of Homer as he attempted to make his escape after allegedly assassinating the President of the World.  Police say the man's motive is unknown at this time.  Rumors persist however that the man was angry over the sudden dramatic increase of his taxes to 105% of his income.  It is confirmed that President Homer has been assassinated.  While his successor is unknown at this time, authorities say that with the death of the man known as Joc, the last of the 'resistance' has been squashed and that the Election of the New President will involve 100% participation from the proletariat.

XD *was that monkey*
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Reports of a monkey getting shot at Dot's Picnic have now been confirmed. Police are now questioning  Dot aka Daughter of the Nine Moons in connection with the shooting. No witnesses have come forward.

Moe Eubleck Battles evil in "Moe's Big Adventure"

groovy, jazzy , wholesome and well-intentioned — all this you'd expect from a movie starring Moe Eubleck.
Walking into "Moe's Big adventure"  though, you'll also get a parable about camels and yaks that could easily apply to today's heightened fears about homeland security.

Little kids won't notice. They'll be too enraptured by the bouncy, slapstick adventures of Moe Eubleck and his CGI aimated buddies in the battle of Moe. But oh yes, it's right there in front of you, as plain as Moe's beloved Jenny.

Also Starring Dwayne "the rock" Johnson and keannu reeves as the voices of Zanth and the exploding ocelot.

Even though they are such fantastical characters and situations, it's still a man trying to figure it out," Reeves said. "These motifs of messiahs and heroes and anti-heroes, these journeys are things that we deal with in our day to day."

Reeves adamantly declined to discuss his own religious beliefs, saying the topic is "very personal."

It is confirmed that President Homer has been assassinated.

Front Page News:
Late Breaking Story

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The bizarre downward spiral of this one time genius continues. Last month, an erotic tape starring Mr. Puffer and comedienne Margaret Cho surfaced amid allegations that Puffer was heavily using hallucinogenic mushrooms. The film is a musical, the couple break into several song and dance numbers during their frolics. The single, 'This Chubby Gal Likes a Good Squeezin' is currently being released as a single to dance halls throughout the country.

In early May, Mr. Puffer kicked off the set of Hollywood Squares, after repeatedly asking Ron Villanche if he knew Rainbow Brite, and screaming obscenities at contestents if they disagreed with him. He also invaded the center square, saying that the 'air was nicer here,' and on at least one occasion, tried clumsily to draw eyebrows on Whoopi Goldberg using a Sharpie pen.

In July, while filming the first motion picture adaptation of one of his short stories, Snacky Love and the Torturous Tortoise Snuffy stole a craft services truck and led police on a high speed chase through downtown Montreal. When caught, he made references to lizard men living deep beneath the earth, and that he owed a man named Sal Greely a debt of revenge.

Snuffy Puffer has been admitted to a Florida rehab clinic, where hopefully this great and noble young man will sort out his problems, and go on to live a normal, productive life.

Earlier today, as homers forces closed in on the 1% of the world whom refuse to accept him, A 14 year old caucasion male was shot dead.  This is the first casualty reported due to combat since Homer assumed Dictorial powers.  Information leaked out through a unknown source though, states that a small pocket of Anarchists have been rallying the people all over western europe to join there cause.  In a one on one interview with Jordan shortly before he was shot, he is quoted as having said "You really believe Supreme lord Homer has solved all the worlds problems? And whos your only source of information?".  But of course this paper, And all its employees believe this is pure hogwash. The above article, was found clutched in the dead hands of our star Journalist Moe Zoolinsqwee.

Internet celebrity Snuffy Puffer was released from a Florida rehab clinic this afternoon. He promises to 'behave,' and says he's started work on a new book series, based on the adventures of an old man and his magic coffee mug. Margaret Cho refused to comment.