If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,
is it considered a hostage situation?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

Baseball is the only American sport that appears backward when viewed in a mirror.

Where does the dentist go when he leaves the room ?

Why is there no blue food?

Nobody can ever know what a totally deserted area looks like.

Why, in comic strips does the cartoon figure on the left always speak first?

People who dance are labeled insane by people who can't hear the music.

Why do people order double cheeseburgers,
large fries and a DIET soda!

Only in America... do people use answering machines to screen
calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from
someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place!

Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains
all the letters from the word "criminal."
The second? William Jefferson Clinton. Coincidence?

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?

Does that screwdriver belong to Phillip?

Can a stupid person be a smart-elick?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?

Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing "Happy Birthday?"

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his walkman?

If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?

Why do they call it 'chili' if it's hot?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already there?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

If you're a vegetarian, can you still eat animal cookies?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting?


Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their
lights off?


When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia can you read all right?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If you were a glass of water, would you ever get thirsty?

If people say, "Don't bug me", do bugs say, "Don't people me"?

If you try to fail and succeed, which do you do ?

"Time's fun when you're having flies." - Kermit the Frog

A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

When a cow laughs does milk come out its nose?

How did a fool and his money GET together?

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injection?

Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

How do you know when its time to tune your bagpipes?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Do blind Eskimos have seeing eye sled dogs?

Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Can an ambidextrous person make an off hand remark?

Do cannibals get hungry one hour after eating a chinaman?

Do police sketch artists start out by drawing chalk outlines?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

Does condensed milk come from smaller cows?

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - is he still wrong?

If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

If convenience stores are open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?

If the singular of GEESE is GOOSE, shouldn't a Portuguese person be called a Portugoose?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver?

If you take an Oriental man and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.

Should a mute be yelled at for talking with their hands full?

Should crematoriums give a discount to burn victims?

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

So what's the speed of dark?

What does Geronimo yell when he jumps out of a plane?

What happens if you get scared ½ to death twice?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

Why are there D batteries, C batteries, AAA batteries, AA batteries, but no B or single A batteries??

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Why don't they make mouse-flavored cat food?

Why don't they call mustaches Mouthbrows?

Why don't they invent a cordless extension cord?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

Why is it called after dark when it's really after light?

Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?

Who put the alphabet in alphabetical order?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Would a blind tourist use a sightseeing eye dog?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Help wanted: Telepath ... you know where to apply.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I'm not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

On the other hand, you have five different fingers.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

When every thing's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I went for a walk last night, and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.

Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

My friend Bryan is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old.

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never have to go upstairs.

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go to him. You'll just be walking down the street,
and...ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

How young can you die of old age?

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."

I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

(If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.)

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

What happens if you put a slinkey on an escalator?

I have a map of the United States...actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

When I woke up this morning my wife asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about
everything.

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

I spilled spot remover on my dog, Spot. Now he's gone.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.

I had amnesia once or was it twice?

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do people in China call THEIR good plates?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why is the word "dictionary" in the dictionary?

If a firefighter fights fire and a crimefighter fights crime, what does a freedomfighter fight?

If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe
the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and
'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

How come hot-dogs come in 10 packs but the buns come in 8 packs?

Whatever happened to Preparations "A" through "G" ?

If your voting could really change things it would be illegal.

If we weren't meant to eat animals, then why are they made of meat?

HAM & EGGS: A days work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

What is a free gift? Aren't all GIFTS free?