Tell me what you think! suggestions are great!
A detective story.
I sat at my computer, the drip drip of my faucet doing a stattaco beat against my skull. The sign out side made my head hurt, so I closed the shutters. I was feeling a mite peckish so I went to my cabinet, and grabbed a glass of 75' cognac. It burned a course of liquid destruction down my throat, and felt warming to my stomach.
I was about to head off for some R&R when the door knocked. I yelled “Closed” Which was my normal reply to knocking at the door, but the knock persisted, hurting my allready tender head, so finally I ambled over to the door and when I opened it, my heart leaped out my chest. I had to get It back before I hurt myself.
“Duhhhhh” I said suavely, catching her intrest with my superior vocabulary. She was a knock out, with killer legs that could drop a buffalo from fifty yards. She wore a tight dress that left nothing to the imagination and a pouty look on her face that would have made a judge pardon her for manslaughter.
“Hello” She breathed in a dulcet tone, making my allready reeling brain just about stop.
“I was wondering, if you could... help me with somthing.” She said softly, gliding through the door and shuting it behind her with one fluid motion, looking like a panther in her fluidity.
“Uhhhh... sure... what do you need? Money, cars? My house.” I said, being valiant to a woman in distress. Thats me, protector of women in need.
“No no, nothing like that. I need a detective, and I heard you were one. Are you equipped for the job?” She stated, sitting in my chair, and looking up at me prettily.
“Well, I need to know the job, but I probably have the stuff I need.” I said, looking at my cabinet where i kept all my gum shoeing equipment.
“How much?” She said sweetly.
I named a ludicrously over priced offer, she countered with a ludicrous answer, she said yes.
“ But it's a good offer you kno.... wait, you said yes?” I stared, open mouthed at her. I could pay a months rent for one day of working! This was stupendous! it was wonderfull! I didn't even know what the job was, but still, for this much money, how could it be hard?
I soon found out just how hard it could be.
TO BE CONTINUED.
so, what do you think?
Full Version: A story I made
A good start Yona, lets see some more 
I am having trouble finishing it, writers block you know?
Yona,
You have created a scene from a classic detectives novel or flim. It is quite wholesome to be sure.
writers block is something that usually sets in after we feel that we have completed wholesome work. Your creative side just needs time to recover. think of it like a hangover.
Many things can get you back into your groove. Try music, art or porn. These are all wholesome things that are sure to jazz you.
You have created a scene from a classic detectives novel or flim. It is quite wholesome to be sure.
writers block is something that usually sets in after we feel that we have completed wholesome work. Your creative side just needs time to recover. think of it like a hangover.
Many things can get you back into your groove. Try music, art or porn. These are all wholesome things that are sure to jazz you.
Well, Here is a little more I made Last night. The chapter might be named, it was late, I was tired, so There!
The next day she stopped by briefly, and dropped a list of what she wanted me to do. It looked like a small dictionary, but, being the good man that I was, I only asked for three hundred dollars starting money.
She gave it to me and I was on my way, down to the local greesey spoon for some breakfast.
The faded sign outside was a dark omen of the things that lurked within. THE
OILY FORK was printed in garish colors and I smiled and went inside.
The name did not do justice to the interior of the joint. Lamps flicked on and off, like some kind of strobe show gone wrong.
I walked up to the counter and sat on a precarious barstool. A waitress who had to be in her nineties stooped over and asked me in a raspy voice what I wanted.
“Well, the soup of the day and a cup of coffee.” I said, thinking to myself that they could not mess that up.
She walked into the back romm and came back out with a cup which she put in front of me. Small, Unknown chunks of un-identifyable material floated on the top and it looked slighlty gray in color.
“Umm, is this the soup?” I said, staring at the cup of decidley radioactive material.
“No... Its the coffee” She said, Looked at me queerly and walked away, probably to go to the bathroom to get my soup.
She came back with a bowl, which I eyed with trepidation.When she set it down, now I knew they were pulling my leg, because the soup was black! But it did have chunks that could have been chicken.... or dog. I looked at it for a few more seconds, put a ten on the counter and left as fast as my legs could take me.
EDIT-To Moe,
Thanks, I used all three things on your list, and they worked! Kinda...
The next day she stopped by briefly, and dropped a list of what she wanted me to do. It looked like a small dictionary, but, being the good man that I was, I only asked for three hundred dollars starting money.
She gave it to me and I was on my way, down to the local greesey spoon for some breakfast.
The faded sign outside was a dark omen of the things that lurked within. THE
OILY FORK was printed in garish colors and I smiled and went inside.
The name did not do justice to the interior of the joint. Lamps flicked on and off, like some kind of strobe show gone wrong.
I walked up to the counter and sat on a precarious barstool. A waitress who had to be in her nineties stooped over and asked me in a raspy voice what I wanted.
“Well, the soup of the day and a cup of coffee.” I said, thinking to myself that they could not mess that up.
She walked into the back romm and came back out with a cup which she put in front of me. Small, Unknown chunks of un-identifyable material floated on the top and it looked slighlty gray in color.
“Umm, is this the soup?” I said, staring at the cup of decidley radioactive material.
“No... Its the coffee” She said, Looked at me queerly and walked away, probably to go to the bathroom to get my soup.
She came back with a bowl, which I eyed with trepidation.When she set it down, now I knew they were pulling my leg, because the soup was black! But it did have chunks that could have been chicken.... or dog. I looked at it for a few more seconds, put a ten on the counter and left as fast as my legs could take me.
EDIT-To Moe,
Thanks, I used all three things on your list, and they worked! Kinda...
After “breakfast” at the diner, I looked on my list of things to do.
1.Find out who was trying to kill her.(this morning she told me that there has been repeated attempts to kill her.me remembering her legs, thought that no one could possible have hatred towards this girl.)
2.Get photos of the would be killers(if possible) In action.(I didn't know how I was gonna pull this one off...)
3.Interview all of her staff.(there was over ten of them, this might be the hardest one yet.)
4.Install cameras in her house(she wants me to exclude the bath and bed rooms, for some odd reason..)
5.Find her old boyfriend, Ray Casaca and find out what he knows.
I looked at the list and number five looked the best out of all of them for today, so I looked up the address(462 Elec. Avenue) and took off in my 76' mustang towards one of the richest communities in the area, to have a chat with Ray.
Arriving at the house I stepped out of my car and stopped to look at the house, nay, mansion! It was a good three stories, with a magnificent fountain in the center of the driveway and marble gargoyles at every turn.
Probably everything in this house was imported, costing more than I could possibly make in three lifetimes!
Walking up to the ornate oak door, I pushed the doorbell and waited. Soft tinkling bells wafted from the interior of the house, and soon a man opened the door.
1.Find out who was trying to kill her.(this morning she told me that there has been repeated attempts to kill her.me remembering her legs, thought that no one could possible have hatred towards this girl.)
2.Get photos of the would be killers(if possible) In action.(I didn't know how I was gonna pull this one off...)
3.Interview all of her staff.(there was over ten of them, this might be the hardest one yet.)
4.Install cameras in her house(she wants me to exclude the bath and bed rooms, for some odd reason..)
5.Find her old boyfriend, Ray Casaca and find out what he knows.
I looked at the list and number five looked the best out of all of them for today, so I looked up the address(462 Elec. Avenue) and took off in my 76' mustang towards one of the richest communities in the area, to have a chat with Ray.
Arriving at the house I stepped out of my car and stopped to look at the house, nay, mansion! It was a good three stories, with a magnificent fountain in the center of the driveway and marble gargoyles at every turn.
Probably everything in this house was imported, costing more than I could possibly make in three lifetimes!
Walking up to the ornate oak door, I pushed the doorbell and waited. Soft tinkling bells wafted from the interior of the house, and soon a man opened the door.
I am stuck! I Don't just have writers block, I have writers wall! Here I am, writing with a passion, and all of a sudden, nothing. Not a dang thing!
No worries Yona. You cannot rush creativity. There are months between each part of my moe stories.
Lol yeah, it's been a while for this story, i might write some more on it in the next few weeks. I have forgotten how funny this one was!
Aww, Yona, sweetie. You know no one can write quite like you. I love it. 
Thanks! I am writing the second part on my laptop, should be done sometime next week!
I like your style… It makes me think of Burnsides image, of the scene from Matrix on the train with the detective.
A pox upon Yona and his real life. I'm ready for the next installment. 
Ok, here is a few more paragraphs for the um people. I tried to make it as cool as the first, but no luck.
The man at the door identifiyed himself as the butler. A mister Ben Dover. he asked me my business and I told him. Private P.I. A gum Shoe.A Private Dick.Well, mostly private. He looked at me like I was a bible thumper gone wrong, but let me go into the house anyway. he led me down an ornately decorated hallway, To a door which stated in gold lettering "Waiting room". He open the door, and I was struck dumb. Or dumb struck. Whichever one I was amazed.
The room could have seated my house, with room to spare. There was a gigantic picture window, with a great view of his back block (I refused to call it a yard, that thing was a mile!). I sat down in a comfy chair which would cost m a years pay to own, and waited while Ben went to get Ray.
Twenty Minutes later I was begining to think that the waiting room was too aptly named for my liking when the door burst open.
"liking it, liking it, liking it, Hating it baby! No no no no no... you tell him I need that or the deal is off, over ,done for, got it hon? Good. Ciao!" Said the figure in the room. He spotted me and rushed over.
"Hi! the names Ray, and you must be ....umm who are you?"
I knew this was going to be a long day.
Well, I will have more on the morrow, whatcha think?
The man at the door identifiyed himself as the butler. A mister Ben Dover. he asked me my business and I told him. Private P.I. A gum Shoe.A Private Dick.Well, mostly private. He looked at me like I was a bible thumper gone wrong, but let me go into the house anyway. he led me down an ornately decorated hallway, To a door which stated in gold lettering "Waiting room". He open the door, and I was struck dumb. Or dumb struck. Whichever one I was amazed.
The room could have seated my house, with room to spare. There was a gigantic picture window, with a great view of his back block (I refused to call it a yard, that thing was a mile!). I sat down in a comfy chair which would cost m a years pay to own, and waited while Ben went to get Ray.
Twenty Minutes later I was begining to think that the waiting room was too aptly named for my liking when the door burst open.
"liking it, liking it, liking it, Hating it baby! No no no no no... you tell him I need that or the deal is off, over ,done for, got it hon? Good. Ciao!" Said the figure in the room. He spotted me and rushed over.
"Hi! the names Ray, and you must be ....umm who are you?"
I knew this was going to be a long day.
Well, I will have more on the morrow, whatcha think?
Good so far. Ray sounds gay. 
Perfect.
Perfect.
keep up the good work
QUOTE(WannabeSkeptic @ Oct 14 2005, 02:52 PM) [snapback]887942[/snapback]
Good so far. Ray sounds gay.
Perfect. Lol, yeah, and he had too much coffee.
That story is fantastic Yona, i love it 
Good detective story Yona. Keep writing.
Well, here is something i have hit, should He have a vrey interesting conversation with ray, or should he decide to take the day off at the beach drinking and ogleing the ladies?
*claps hands* Oooh, ooh, beach and ogling.
Hmm. good idea, but mabye not to be finished for a while, on acoount of the coast guard. Well, at least ill get tons o ideas!
Awwww, that's gonna be, like, months. 
Good luck, though, sweetie. I know you're looking forward to it.
Good luck, though, sweetie. I know you're looking forward to it.
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