What did God say after creating a man?
I can do better than that!

The Brain Transplant

The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say. "Things don't look good." The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves." "Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.

"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."

Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. A few actually smirked. But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?" "A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women's brains have to be marked down because they have actually been used."






What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brainpower?
A widower.



My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs.He couldn't get back in.

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world" The woman says, "I'll miss you."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.


He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly. She said - Well, you succeeded.



He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said -That's a good idea...you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and watch TV.


He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror.


Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor




Full Time Job

One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously and a genie appeared.

"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.

The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job--a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."

"Done!!" said the Genie, "You're a housewife."


There were 11 people hanging on to a single rope that suspended them from a helicopter trying to bring them to safety. Ten were men; one was a woman.
They all decided that one person would have to let go because if they didn't, the rope would break and all of them would die.

No one could decide who it should be. Finally the woman gave a really touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving things up for their husbands and children and giving in to men.

All of the men started clapping.


Why does it take one million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They won't stop for directions.

Just you wait. One day, you are going to need a stuck jar opened. Who will you call then? Huh? Well?



I have to admit, some of those are very true to life.

LMAO -

Great post, GoddessWhispers!!

HAHAHAHA...I laughed so hard I almost peed.

QUOTE(JMPD1 @ May 25 2005, 11:04 AM)

(sic)...  One day, you are going to need a stuck jar opened.  Who will you call then?  Huh?  Well?


[right][snapback]639853[/snapback][/right]

Ladies be not intimidated by that questionie! There is an answer to this:
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy and they don't say, "See what would you do without me!?" or expect a kiss later!

Or... You can step next door and ask the fine neighbor guy to open it for you! Hey look at it this way, more jokes!







Come on sisters, share your jokes here. So many men, so many opportunities to giggle and snort!

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

Or Gay. I should know.. i work with several and they actually walk me out to my car at night if its gotten dark!!

yeah, but who is protecting whom?

10 Things Not To Tell Your Boyfriend
10. Oh come on! Who's gonna find out?

9. Well, your brother likes it this way.

8. Eeewww! Put that back in your shorts!

7. Dare to compare?

6. Can you go to the store and get me some tampons?

5. Is it supposed to bend that way?

4. Can I twist your wiener into a poodle?

3. Just go away I can finish myself!

2. I'm pregnant. . . . Ha just kidding!

1. Is it in yet?





MALE STAGES IN LIFE

AGE DRINK

17 - beer
25 - vodka
35 - scotch
48 - double scotch
66 - Maalox

AGE SEDUCTION LINE

17 - My parents are away for the weekend.
25 - My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 - My fiancée is away for the weekend.
48 - My wife is away for the weekend.
66 - My second wife is dead.

AGE FAVORITE SPORT

17 - sex
25 - sex
35 - sex
48 - sex
66 - napping

AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

17 - "tongue"
25 - "breakfast"
35 - "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 - "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 - "Got home alive."

AGE FAVORITE FANTASY

17 - getting to third
25 - airplane sex
35 - menage a trois
48 - taking the company public
66 - Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

AGE FAVORITE HOUSE PET

17 - roaches
25 - stoned-out college roommate
35 - German Shepherd
48 - children from his first marriage
66 - Barbie

AGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

17 - 25
25 - 35
35 - 48
48 - 66
66 - 17

How are these equal oppertunity jokes?

Okay... here is one that the GUYS will appreciate.

BEING A GUY IS TOPS BECAUSE...


Your arse is never a factor in a job interview.

Your orgasms are real. Always.

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting shagged.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

Princess Di's death was just another obituary.

Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. 'Nuff said...

You don't give a f**k if someone doesn't notice your new haircut.

Hot wax never comes near your pubes.

Wrinkles add character.

A few well placed one night stands gain credibility, not leave you tarnished.

You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

Porn films are designed with you in mind.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So, notice anything different?"

You can appreciate great sport.

You can throw a ball more than 5 feet.

One mood, ALL the time.

A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and hairdressers don't rob you blind.

You can go to a public toilet without a support group.

You can leave a hotel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to clean your flat if the electricity meter reader is coming.

You can sit in silence watching a football game with your mate for hour without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."

You don't mooch off other's desserts.

You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

If another bloke shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket-knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

Same job .... . more pay.

The world is your urinal

No really, whats with all these anti-man threads lately? It's becoming extremely redundant.

^ Yeah, thats why last night I posted my two threads on women, the handgun one and the beer one!

I can relate to almost all of those!

Can we have less anti-man threads? Even that one that the guys 'would like' was sexist.

Walken said the 'S' word!

Someone get the bar of soap! Wash out that potty mouth!

Sheesh... its suspost to be funny. All the guys are getting upset.
Bah. I quit.

Yay!

I lied. Im going to do one more, ONLY because im feeling rebellious because Walked got excited cause i said i was gona quit.

SHORT GENDER JOKES

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

Q. Why did the man cross the road?
A. He heard the chicken was a slut.

Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time.

Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilise one egg?
A. They don't stop and ask for directions.

Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.

Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're married.


Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

Meh, I just like to read the jokes cause I love laughing ( especially at myself, I can be a real dork sometimes )

So is that honestly the last one? Because sexist jokes are no better than racist jokes; both are humor based on someone elses genetic code.

C'mon people, lighten up. They are jokes. Are you macho men that thin skinned that these observations are hurting you? Hell, I recognize myself in more than a few of them, and I'm sure any females that I know would concur.

Besides, we can always start a thread of our own if need be.

As my wife says: "Of course God has a sense of humor, She created men."

What about English jokes? Or the French... o wow... i have a good stack just on the French!

Its just funny Walken. Noone is being personal in making the jokes. They are just for laughs. No offence is intended.

They're funny once or twice but now it's just the same jokes over and over again. Then people reply with things like 'This definatly is true, any man who disagrees is gay'.

The woman ones stay funny because theres only one or two, but there seems to be dozens of these daily.

I wouldn't mind hearing some french jokes!

*shakes fist in Québec's general direction*

French Jokes

That is one of the better sites for french jokes!

But those are specific to France!

Need some good French Canadian ones.

""berets are for fairies""
I think they are quite sexy:D

Lighten up? I wouldn't have a problem if it were just a few jokes, but every day there is a new thread dedicated to these jokes. It was funny in the beginning but now it's just plain dumb and it's beginning to get insulting because it's being done over and over again. Alittle bit is fine but this is just over doing it.

Talk about sexist, and discriminatory! If it upsets you then perhaps we should ask the mods to ban the following:
Gender oriented jokes, topics, and stories (All genders)
Nationality jokes, topics, and stories (Don't want to alienate any nations)
Religious jokes, topics, and stories (don't want to piss off god/goddess/or others)
Economic jokes, threads and stories (don't want to upset the poor or embarass the wealthy)
Education jokes, threads, or topics (Don't want the ignorant to 'not get it')
Law Enforcement/Government jokes, threads, or topics (They are the voice of authority, don't want to get them mad)
Occupational jokes, threads, and stories (No more "would you like fries with that?" quips)

As a matter of fact, since we don't want to offend anyone, anywhere, at anytime, why not just close down the site entirely?

Think of this thread as one big "Family Guy" show, everybody is going to get slammed and you all like it!

I haven't seen too many jokes that are targeted at men, but if several threads really have been made then I can understand that they can get tiresome.

However, I don't find them any more offensive then all the women's jokes. If people are having a real problem with this, then you should message Saruman and bring up the problem to him.

Oh good lord. Walken only meant that there are only a few female-bashing threads so it remains funny, if there were only a few anti-male threads they would remain funny as well.

What you just said right there is just being ridiculous. All this male-bashing is just redundant now and it really must stop. There's plenty of these threads on here already so go get your laughs from thoseand stop repeating yourselves.

They are funny though.

Well, we can learn a lot from some of them.
."
Ring any bells, dearies?

Drama Queen

That's not what I said. I said there are one or two anti-woman jokes, so theyr remain funny. On the other hand, we're seeing dozens of anti-man jokes by the day. It's lost it's edge. In fact, now they're not even funny, it just feels like digs at our gender.



Drama Queen

Perhaps you missed all the jokes dedicated to the theme of anti-women!? (i.e. how beer is better than women, etc...)

The point is, there are literally hundreds of these threads, which came before the anti-woman threads anyway. There are 5 or 6 anti-woman threads.

Daily we see a new anti-man thread and they're just not funny anymore.

I don't have a problem with the occaisonal man joke... it's when the man bashing is done by women that would have no problem dumping on a guy when they make a comment about women.

I have a real hatred of stereotyping- having been stereotyped by people for being a soldier (called "Baby Killer", "Fascist", etc), a man, and for being someone that has a real interest in computer ("Nerd", "Geek", etc.

I can laugh at my own flaws and foibles, but I have a hard time laughing at jokes that make generalizations about a gender, race, etc.

With respect, I think you might take a look at the couple of pages before your comment to realize that it is inappropriate to speak for everyone, when so many are laughing. And btw, that is yet another reason we laugh at the male mentality. They dare to speak for all, when it's obvious they can only speak for themselves!

And btw, have you posted that observation on those many anti-women posts!?

I completely agree with that. Not one thing these girls said about men apply to me. In fact, I dont know any guy who is the lazy slop these women describe.

Ouch you ladies are cold!!! What did us chaps do to deserve all of this...sigh

Anyway I don't really mind Male/Female jokes, I think they are pretty harmless and I always get a chuckle out of them.

Come on guys, take it easy. Enough with the 'bashing'. The women are just having their fun. Everyone knows thats those generic jokes are biased and mostly untrue.

So, I suggest you either learn to laugh at yourself more, or ignore the 'men bashing' threads period.

Personally, I though some were funny, some were ridiculous, and yeah, some were offensive, but hey, that just proves they're true

I particularly liked the first few jokes that were given by the thread starter. Those were good

No, I'm sorry, that's not how it works. People, including myself, are getting offended by all of this, so this really must stop.

Well I suggest we leave this topic for people who find the joke funny; if you would like to argue against or for these kinds of jokes there is now a thread devoted to it. Lest us not intrude, Jayman, when obviously some people DO like these jokes.

Yea, I guess you're right.

Go nuts.

Like I said before, ignore them. Its not that difficult at all. This area is meant for fun, and to suppress the fun of the women with their gender-biased jokes would be too bad. I mean, if these jokes are that offensive, and need to be removed, then perhaps the whole joke section needs to be removed.

Or, better yet, split it like the religion section had to "Potential Offensive Jokes", "Non-offensive jokes". Sadly, I think all the jokes would be in Potential Offensive.

Really, come on. This is coming from a fellow male.

That's actually not a bad idea.

What the hell would a non-offensive joke be?

"Knock, Knock"
"Who's there?"
"Orange."
"Orange who?"
"ORANGE YOU GLAD I DIDN'T SAY BANANA!?!?!!?"

Boring....

No way! That is degrading to bananas...