Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles refinery.
>A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the same
>qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager. Upon
>completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions.
>
>The manager went to Bubba and said, "Thank you for your interest but
>we've decided to give the Yankee the job."
>
>Bubba asked, "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine
>questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy, I
>should get the job!"
>
>The manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct
>answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."
>
>Bubba then asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better
>than the other?"
>
>The manager replied, "Bubba, it's like this, on question #4 the Yankee
>put down 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'

OMG . . LMAO

That's a good one!!

As a Yankee among Bubbas...I loved it!

Reminds me of another...

Billy Bob and Bobby Joe were hired to dig a large ditch along with two Yankee boys.

Billy Bob and Bobby Joe each grabbed a shovel and started digging. The two Yankees had a cooler and sat under a shade tree, chugging beer.

After an hour or two of hard labor, Billy Bob turned to Bobby Joe and said, "Hey, Bobby Joe, why are we doin' all da' work and those two Yankees are jis' sitting there, doing nothin'?"

"I dunno," replied Bobby Joe. "Why don't you go over there 'n ask 'em?"

"Well, I think ah'll do jis' that!" Billy Bob Joe crawled out of the ditch and walked over to where the two Yankees were leaning against the tree.

"Hey, fellers, kin' ya'll tell me sumpthin'? Why are we doing all the work while you two are jus' sittin' there, swigging beer?"

The one Yankee looks at the other, and then back at Billy Bob. "Do you really want to know?" the Yankee said.

"Well, sure I do!" Billy Bob said, getting frustrated.

"Well, okay. It's because you're stupid."

Billy Bob said, "What der ya' mean, I'm stupid?"

"Do you really want to know?"

"Err...well, yeah!"

"Okay, then. Let me show you what I mean," said the Yankee. He held his hand up to the tree, palm forward. "You see my hand? On the count of three, I want you to hit my hand as hard as you can."

Billy Bob thought this was going to be a pretty neat trick. He'd show that damn Yankee!

"One...two...three!"

On the count of three, Billy Bob let loose with a powerful swing. Just as his fist was about to hit the Yankee's hand, the Yankee pulled away and Billy Bob's fist went full force into the tree. Billy Bob yelped and shook his hand while the two Yankees laughed and guzzled another beer.

Billy Bob walked back to the ditch, shaking his hand. A thought came to mind. He grinned. He'll just have to play this little trick on Bobby Joe.

When Billy Bob got down in the pit with Bobby Joe, Bobby Joe asked, "Well, wha'd they say?"

"They said the reason why we're doin' all the work and they's jis' drinkin' beer is because we're stupid."

"Stupid!?!" Bobby Joe yells. "Wha' do they mean, we're stupid?"

Billy Bob realized this was his chance. "Do ya' really wanna' know?"

"I sure do!" said Bobby Joe.

Billy Bob could hardly hold in his laughter. He looked around, but there were no trees in the ditch! Suddenly, he got an idea.

"See my hand in front of my face? On the count of three, I want you to punch my hand as hard as you can...."

That's a good one HowdyDoo!

I just want it to be known that I live among southerners, I married a southerner, and my two children are southern (even though the eldest keeps telling people he was born in New York).

In no way does this joke represent my actual feelings about southerners...yada yada yada...

Too Funny! Good one.

Ok, in the name of fairness and equality; aka/ balance to HowdyDoo's yadda, yadda,

*And, because I am one* Yankee Humor! (No knucklepaws, not the baseball team! )

Oh hell this is going to be ugly!



Ways To Annoy A Yankee

* Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.

* Pronounce all one syllable words with two.

* When giving directions, finish with "it's right down yonder on the left."

* Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they're saying.

* When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell 'em "Delta's ready when you are!"

* Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.

* Refer to every soft drink as a Coke.

* Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it, raise a ruckus.

* Offer to send 'em a bottle of fresh air.

* Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie -- John Michael -- Jim Bob. . .)

* Frequently bring up "The War of Northern Aggression" in conversation. If anyone ever says the words "Civil War", always interject that "there was nothing civil about it."

* Address all males as "son" and females as "little lady".

* Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example: It's "pee-can."

* Put Tabasco on everything.

* For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New York is New York City. In other words, if they say "Yo, I'm from upstate New Yoik!" say , "Well I'll be, my wife has always wanted to see a Broadway show!"

* When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies. . . banana ones.

* Name all of your children "Bubba."

* Use the word "reckon" in a sentence.

* "Mash" buttons. "Cut" off lights. "Carry" the kids to school. "Fetch" something.

* Never simply "do" something. Be "fixin to do" something.

* Tell them you don't have an accent, they do.

* Be sure to include "yes/no ma'am/sir" in all conversations..

* Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions. "Now go down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Chevron station used to be. I think they turned it into a Amoco. Or maybe a BP. Anyway, turn right there. . ." "You said left." "Did I? Well, turn left there and follow it until you see a big fish on your left. I remember when that fish used to be on the other side of town.."

* Ask them if it's still snowing up North. Then tell 'em you went driving around in your convertible this weekend.

* Call 'em a yankee. Works every time.





-Vicious Dog Attacks Little Boys

Two boys are playing football in New York City's Central Park when a Rottweiler attacks one of the boys. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A New York Times reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

"Young Yankees Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Yankees fan," the little hero replied.

"Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were." said the reporter and starts again. "Little Mets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook.

"I'm not a Mets fan either," the boy said.

"I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Yankees or Mets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Texas Rangers fan," the child said.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Maniac Loser Kills Beloved Innocent Family Pet." An anonymous source confirms that he was taking orders from the Bush Whitehouse.

New York Times Publisher 'Pinch'-(I'm reaching puberty soon) Arthur Ochs Sulzberger Jr. has announced that he has expanded his foundation for the Saving of Moose with low self esteem , to include persecuted Rottweillers.



You Might be a Yankee if…


you think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."

you think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!

you don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce"correctly.

for breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.

you don't know what a moon pie is.

you've never had grain alcohol.

you've never, ever, eaten Okra.

you eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

you've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.

you have no idea what a polecat is.

whenever someone tells an off-color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head.

you don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

you don't have bangs.

you would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.

more than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.

you would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.

you don't think Howard Stern has an accent.

you have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.

you think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

you don't have at least one can of WD*40 somewhere around the house.

The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp on the highway.

you don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.

the farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.

you call binoculars opera glasses.

you can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.

you would never wear pink or an appliqued sweatshirt.

you don't know what appliqued is.

most of your formative high school sexual experiences took place within the context of a football game.

you don't know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob, Bubba Kay Bob, Bob Bob)

you don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.

you've never been to a craft show.

you get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.

you can't do your laundry without quarters.

none of your fur coats are homemade.



Ok, I couldn't resist reverting back to southern humor on this last one, but read and you'll giggle. *Or/ you'll take offense.

Just don't take mine, I need it to keep the Rotweillers penned on my property! "Woof!"




IF JESUS WERE A REDNECK...


* He'd have brought a fishing pole with him when he walked on water.

* His last words on the cross would have been, "Hey, Paul, I kin see my house from up here."

* He'd be famous for turning water into beer.

* The prayer for the Passover meal would have been, "Good food, good meat, good God, let's eat."

* His front yard would have been littered with broken down mule carts.

* Instead of a grail, King Arthur would been searching for the Holy Beer Mug.

* He would have cured blindness by yelling, "Yer healed" and slapping them on the forehead.

* The disciples would have included Billy Bob, Scooter, and Bubba.

* Sex, drinking, and dancing would clearly have been declared not sinful.

* Instead of a fish, the symbol for Jesus would be a fishing lure

Goddess, you're my new hero!! I'm from the midwest/south and everything was right on!! Cracked me up!

For the record I'm from the South and I take offence...

Naaa, just kidding... I know plenty of people exactly like that......

Okay, this got me. I'm passing it on to all my Southern co-workers and family.

And by the way...I live in Kentucky, and I have personally met people named "Bubba" and "Cotton" (that's my father-in-law) and "Jim Ed" and "Billy Joe" and "Billy Ray" and "Mary Etta" (that's my mother-in-law) and "Scooter" and "Jim Tony". We also have a "Skippy", but that sounds more Yankee.

My sister lives in KY.....Stanford. Near Crab Orchard. Where do you hail from?

I'm not sure where Stanford, KY is...I'll do some hunting on a map.

I'm in Owensboro but born and raised in Central New York.

And it sure is true--when people here find out I come from New York, they automatically think it's New York City. They just don't understand that there is a lot more to New York than one city at the south-eastern tip of the state. It's like they're brain dead or something. I have actually had Kentucky people tell me they didn't realize there was something more to New York than the City.

I've been in Kentucky now for over 20 years, and I'm still a "Yankee" to those here in KY. My mother-in-law has never forgiven her son for marrying me, I think. I tell people that the only reason my husband married me is because I was the only woman in Owensboro he wasn't related to.

If you think that is sad HowdyDoo, I've met many people in my travels who don't know that Maine is a state!!! What's worse I ran into somebody a few months ago in Nashville who asked if I needed a passport to travel down here from Canada after I told him I was from Maine. Sadder still is I usually get asked questions like this almost everywhere I travel in the US...Quite mind boggling to say the least.

LOL....Crab Orchard is southeast of Lexington. My dad lives in Lancaster near Danville.
I've been here in PA for 17 years and people still ask where I'm from.....I have a rather mutt-ish background....MO, TN, IL,....I'm from everywhere...

It's a sad state of affairs when people don't know Maine is a state. (Pun intended, though it was a bad one.)

I do know where Lexington is! My boss just moved there to be the City Engineer. We miss him so much here. Sob.

I still get a chuckle when people tell me I have an accent. (I speak your basic American English--like the people on the news.) I say, "Do ya'll really thaaink so?"

I do have to be careful with the "you guys" thing. It can cause a riot in Kentucky.

When I call my relatives in New York, they give me hell for having a Southern accent! I just can't win.

In Kentucky, it's Noow Yark City......lol....I love the south!

Moon pies are the most absolute bestest desert in the world!!!
Ye Haw!
hehehe

(Someone just forwarded these to me. I love the South!)

An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "'Bout what?"

******

Two Mississippians are walking toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says,

"Hey Tommy Ray, whatcha got in th' bag?"
"Jes' some chickens."
"If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?"
"Shoot, if ya guesses right, I'll give you both of 'em!"
"OK. Ummmmm...five?"


***************

An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted,

"Hurry over here - muh house is on fahr!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Shucks, don't you fellers still have those big red trucks?"

************

Why do folks in Kentucky go to R-rated movies in groups of 18 or more?
Because they heard 17 and under aren't admitted.

****************
Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911-operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.
" The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
After a long pause, Bubba said, "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

*****************

Know why they raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32?
They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

*********************
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi?
Documentaries

*********************

Where was the toothbrush invented?
Arkansas. If it were invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.

*********************

Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

************************

A new law was recently passed in the south so that when a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.

***************************
What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
No matter what, somebody's fixin' to lose a trailer.

*************************
How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've got a leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead".

I love it!!

there is nothing like good old americian stereotypes!

do people still "get too big for their britches" in the south?

do people in the northwest really talk like the characters in fargo?

to be fair, all the southern jokes (some slightly altered) have been used on alberta up here in canada! (it is the texas of the north, you know!)

Hey, Nyx! I live in Crab Orchard and work in Danville so I know exactly the areas you are talking about!!! Just thought that was a cool coincidence!!