Hi, Im into random stories at the moment, so i'd like to share this with you:

Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait shop...
You know the place? well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy.Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning my mother would make me a big bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast. It was driving me crazy! I said to my mom "Hey, mom, what's with all the sauerkraut?" And my dear, sweet mother just looked at my like a cow looks at an oncoming train and she leaned right down next to me
and she said "IT'S GOOD FOR YOU".And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth and force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty six and a half years old. That's when I swore that someday someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer and the towels are oh so fluffy where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long and anyone on the street will glady shave your back for a nickel

Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true...Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest to see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt,I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize..That's right, a first class one-way ticket to Albuquerque!

You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before and I gotta tell ya, it was really great
Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor. And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time and the flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts and the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore and, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out and we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside and the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died..... Except for me....You know why? 'Cause I had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position!

So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days. Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag and my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball and my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel. But finally I arived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn
Where the towels are oh so fluffy and you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna, It's OK, they're clean

Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C and I turned on the SpectraVision
and I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow that I love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door...
Well now, who could that be? I say "Who is it?"
No answer
"Who is it?"
There's no answer
"WHO IS IT?"
They're not sayin' anything

So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected...It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril, Oh man, I hate it when I'm right! So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel and I'm like "Hey, you can't have that"
"That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me"
And he's like "Tough"
And I'm like "Give it"
And he's like "Make me"
And I'm like "'Kay"

So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus and I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows and I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation, Yes indeed, you better believe it!
And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook and twenty seconds later, I heard a farmiliar voice...
And you know what it said?
I'll tell you what it said

It said
"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"
"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"

Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel but I made a a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest, I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice...
But first, I decided to buy some donuts

So I got in my car and I drove over to the donut shop
And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter
And he says "Yeah, what do ya want?"
I said "You got any glazed donuts?"
He said "No, we're outta glazed donuts"
I said "Well, you got any jelly donuts?"
He said "No, we're outta jelly donuts"
I said "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?"
He said "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts"
I said "You got any cinnamon rolls?"
He said "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls"
I said "You got any apple fritters?"
He said "No, we're outta apple fritters"
I said "You got any bear claws?"
He said "Wait a minute, I'll go check"
"No, we're outta bear claws"
I said "Well, in that case - in that case, what do you have?"
He says "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels"
I said "OK, I'll take that"

So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out and they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over, Oh man, they were just going nuts! They were tearin' me apart! You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started goin' through my head"
I believe it went a little something like this . . .

Doh
Get 'em off me
Get 'em off me
Oh
No, get 'em off, get 'em off
Oh, oh God, oh God
Oh, get 'em off me
Oh, oh God
Ah, (more screaming)

I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face, wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin' like a constipated weiner dog. And as luck would have it, that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams
Her name was Zelda. She was a caligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches. I'll never forget the first thing she said to me.
She said "Hey, you've got weasels on your face"

That's when I knew it was true love. We were inseperable after that. Aw, we ate together, we bathed together, we even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss. The world was our burrito..
So we got married and we bought us a house and had two beautiful children - Nathaniel and Superfly. Oh, we were so very very very happy.

But then one fateful night, Zelda said to me "Sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?"
I said "Woah, hold on now, baby"
"I'm just not ready for that kinda commitment"
So we broke up and I never saw her again but that's just the way things go

Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream...
That's right, I got me a part-time job at The Sizzler!I even made employee of the month after I put that grease fire out with my face. Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me.. but after that I was gettin' a lot of attitude

OK, like one time, I was out in the parking lot tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil, when I see this guy Marty tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself.
So I, I say to him"Hey, you want me to help you with that?"
And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes
"No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw"

So I did

And then he gets all indignant on me. He's like "Hey man, I was just being sarcastic"
Well, that's just great! How was I supposed to know that? I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loud! Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname - Torso-Boy..So what's he complaining about?

Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote...This guy comes up to me on the street and says he hasn't had a bite in three days Well, I knew what he meant
but just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein. And he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over and I'm like "Hey, come on, don'tcha get it?"
But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming
You know, just completely missing the irony of the whole situation...Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?

Anyway I, I know it's kinda been a roundabout way of saying it
But I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is

I hate sauerkraut

That's all I'm really tryin' to say and, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up and find yourself in an existential quandry full of loathing and self-doubt and wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence. At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that somewhere out there in this crazy mixed-up universe of ours
there's still a little place called

Albaqurque

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kinda long, yeah. Now, tell me some of your random stories. And you can post feedback on stories if you want to

Once upon a time, Bobo started up his car. But he ran over frofish, and he died. The end. (takes a bow)

Yay, Woo... Encore!!! woot woot woot woot woot woot woot

The Heist
Based loosely on a True Story.

12:34 a.m. Monday November 21st Joe, The Kid an I are at our target. "Is it worth it man" said Joe.

"I don't know but we got a job to do, its crazy but I'm desperate I need the cash" I said. By the way Joe isn't my partners name, this is the first time we ever met. All I know is his name is Mr. Orange, and The Kid is with me and I'm Mr. Green. Ha a la City on fire my favorite movie the boss has impeccable taste.

2:45 a.m. Thursday November 10th at a club I see our boss about the heist. "I want you at the target around 12, 1 ish o'clock a man named Mr. Orange will be their you'll know who to look for" said the boss.

"How would he know who I am" I said.

"Don't be a smart ass let my finish", he waives his finger at me. "He knows You as Mr. Green."

"Yeah whatever I guess I'll be dressed in a Shrek costume" I get up from the table and go on my way.

"Mr Orange did you have to wear an orange jumper you look stupid" I said to Joe

"**** off I'm going to the back and change my cloths into something black" Joe gets up from the front seat and heads to the back of the van. "Why you brought this kid along?"

"I ain't a kid I'm 21 you b****" said The Kid. Joe stops short putting his pants on and goes after the kid. I put my hands out and stop joe.

"Hey cut it out you two, you watch your mouth kid. And Joe don't lay a finger on him or I'll kill you." Silence and scared stares, "All right."

Both of them "Yeah"

"Any way The Kid is just the getaway driver" I said. Joe finished so we drove up in front of the target. "Ready" Joe nods, "Ready" the Kid nods, "o.k. lets go."

Joe and I put on ski mask on, gun ready. We jump out of the van and storm the GameStop. We walk toward the guy at the counter. I Yell at him "Give us the X-box 360 we want two of them now" He freezes, "******* move it" I said. I jump over the counter grab him and take him to the back. I guess his manager was their he looked at me funny like he was about to do some thing I put a slug into his head, and he falls to the ground. The other guy just crapped in his pants and half faints. 3 shots are fired. "Yo whats going on out there"

"Some guy tried to be a hero" said Joe.

"Where are the 360's" I tell the Sh!t Pants on the floor.

"There over there" he said.

"Go get me 2 of them now" He goes and picks up 2 boxes and hands them to me. I grab them and head out the back to realize their core packs.

"These are the retard packs, I want the premiums" I drop the boxes on the floor and shoot Sh!t Pants in the knee cap, he screams. "Where are the premiums mother ******," He points to the back. I run over their and get them and head out to the front. The kid Runs in the store.

"What are you doing in here were ready to go said Joe"

"Cop" said The Kid

"What somebody in hear is a snitch" said The Kid. The Sh!t Pants gets up with a magnum and points it at me joe runs over and takes the slug. The Kid pulls out his piece and blast Sh!t Pants away.

"**** he's the snitch" said The Kid.

"Who" I said.

"Mr.Brown"

"Shut up" said Joe

"You are the snitch" said The Kid.

"He just took a ******* bullet for me man," I said. "No way he the rat"

The kid aims at joe I quickly pull the trigger and kill my partner of 3 years, ****** up I know 3 years we did jobs together but he was wrong on this one. Joe ain't no rat, no rat takes a bullet for nobody.

"The store is surrounded give it up punks," from outside.

"Damn the cops got us Joe" I look at Joe he took the bullet in the chest he's loosing a lot of blood, he's good as dead. I look around their is a guy on the floor and a couple of teens huddled in the corner of the store.

"Hey whats your name" said Joe

"They call me SP"

"O.K. scumbags were coming in" from outside.

"Joe you ain't gonna make it might as well stay but I can't go down this is 3 strikes for me And I killed a guy give me your gun If I go down I'll take the rap for that one guy over their, I'm gonna make a run for it"

Joe grabs my arm and with his last breath. "SP I'm a Cop" he slumps over.

"****," I yell. I look over too The Kid and push Joe off me. I get up reload my gun and pick up a 360. Its All or nothing now.

to be continued.................................