*copied and pasted from my blog with my permission* lol

I have been married and divorced- in love with my husband with all my heart- never would or did I cheat on him. I only did him right. But the thing is why divorce? People divorce for many reasons - infidelty and abuse. Some because they were not ready. I on the other hand was ready for marriage. my husband maybe not and maybe never will be. Who is it to say I should have never been married? many Christians feel that I shouldn't have married in the beginning. But who is it to say I wasn't in love. And my partner did love me? I believe he did with the upmost capibilty he had within. But he was unable to do what a husband and father should. Is this to say that marriage shouldn't have happened because it ended in a divorce? I was told God wants us to stay married. But why would he want a mariage to work that would be in a rocky situation- one that would not be equally yoked etc?

God is understanding and he knew that I was destine to marry my first true love. I still love him and I always will. But I don't think it is fair to stay in a relationship where you are not getting what you are giving out?

The point is when I hear people say something like marriage is something you shouldn't take lightly- I agree. But when people think marriage is always forever - and shouldn't end-this may not be the case. ask someone who has been there and is a Christian. Then make an observation. Don't just assume that I or any one who is maried and divorced was not meant to be. Because in reality - the divorce may have been the thing that kept the love there.


The reason I am posting this thread is because in the sexual immorality thread I was aware of some things that seemed to bother me. I would like to see what some might think about this now.

Marriage and ending in divorce? is it always wrong- would God want you to be married and allow it to happen if it were not to be. My mother said maybe it was because I wasn't Christian at the time of marriage. But would that matter- if you are married in the eyes of God?

Maybe it's just me, but I prefer to get married when I'm older. By then your relationship with God should be mature, and you'll also be able to understand the person you are in a relationship with. I think people need to take their time with their life, God or no God. You can be in a committed relationship and not have a ring on your finger. Some people just grow apart. And if you stay with them, they may be dragging you down, and not letting you pursue your faith or spirituality. Sometimes the sacrifice is necessary. Who says marriage has to be forever?

I respect that answer. It seems odd though that a man would ask and know he was not ready. But what people do is try and be noble and do the right thing. People find it odd that the marriage happened after the birth of my child - a yr after and they also find it funny that I did not get made to marry.

A lot of christians force their children to get married for the baby or the right thing. I married because I was ready. Although not all men are ready at 21 yrs old

Sometimes men ask early (although they aren't ready to commit) because they really love and respect you. They may fear getting older or maybe, like Brad Pitt, just want to settle down and have kids
Doesn't mean they are ready though. Emotions tend to speak louder than logic.

Yes. vvv

By george I think you nailed it.

men are so silly sometimes.

Except me

Well gee, where were they when you were standing at the alter. If they know so much about what the future they should have been there. For people who are not suppose to pass judgment on another they are sure quick to judge. I am sure at the time it was the right thing for you to do. Your husband likely thought he could handle it. You didn't know what the future would bring. You live you life as best you can, don't worry about the past. You can't change it. If you would have stayed married would it have been good for you, your husband and your daughter. I doubt it, you did what was best for you and your daughter.
My wife almost divorced me once. If she had I wouldn't have blamed her I was a real ass. She was important enough to me that I changed. I am glad I did. Your husband didn't want to make the changes he needed to make to be a man that is his problem not yours. Don't beat yourself up, girl, it is not worth the time. A God that truly loves you wants you to be happy, right. So sing some Christmas songs. Santas on his way.
I will say just one more thing, I know how hard it is to be single. Raising a young child is doubly hard alone. But the best thing about the Universe is it changes you never know what is coming around the bend.

My opinion with all this is I think marriage comes to quickly for some and divorce is to easy to get for all. Seems I read where 50% of all FIRST time marriages end in divorce. WOW! I went through a divorce about fifteen years ago, to easy, the judge didn't ask why or what happened. She just made sure all the signatures where in their right place and ordered the divorce. What's not included in this 50% are the "live-ins" who split and go their own ways.

it's really sad. i know of many women who divorced abusive husbands for the good of themselves and/or their children... and then they go back to church and are scorned for it.

but if god is supposed to be a loving and just god, why would he want a woman to stay in a relationship where she was being abused?

my mother is currently having this problem. people are telling her she didn't try hard enough etc to fix their relationship. she was married for 20 years and tried her hardest to make things work. i watched her do this. but my father was just too stubborn and hateful to allow us to live peacefully under one roof.

i hate it how christianity becomes an "image" that one and one's family must uphold. it's like if your family is disfunctional, it's bringing the entire church down and shaming them. i thought that churches were supposed to accept anyone with open arms, but have found this to be the polar opposite of the reality. it's disappointing, really.

To be honest, I don't really see the problem here. You were faithful to your husband, you gave it your best shot, but things wern't meant to be.
No one but you and him really know all the ins and outs of your relationship, so I think the only person you should have to answer to is yourself. If you're content with the way things have gone (given the circumstances), it shouldn't matter what anyone else thinks.

Simple answer: He wouldn't want you staying in that relationship.

Forget the bullcrap about trying to make it work, an abusive husband is an abusive husband. If he's not willing to change, then leave, for your own health, and for the health of any children.

If they are maritally unfaithful, then obviously they don't care enough about you in the first place, right.

Like I said in your blog, the sad fact is 50-60% of marriages end in divorce. Why? People say they are too young and not ready. Understandable! Especially men, they do not mature fast enough. I don't think I would have been ready for marriage when I was 21. I think I am now, just gotta find the right woman.

But to add to that now, people 2000 years ago were married at 12 and 13, and the divorce rate was far far far far far far less than today (though i don't have statistics to back taht up, so I could be wrong). And most of those marriages had nothing to do with "Love". I think that is the problem.... I mean, the real problem. What is Love? It is a misunderstood concept. That feeling you get after meeting that special somebody, that euphoria, rapture, that you can just be with each other 24/7, all day, every day. Is that Love? That feeling goes away. When it does, and things start to get difficult, people often just say, oh, we've grown apart, let's split (or divorce if you're already married). But i think it is after this euphoria dies that real love is found. That deep and everlasting commitment to someone. Like the vows say, for richer for poorer, for better or worse, in other words, the good times, the bad times. All times.

Of course, this doesn't apply to all break-ups. As I mentioned at the start, there are those who are in abusive relationships, and that is totally different to simply going through a rough patch.

Know what I'm saying?

Regards, PA

I once dated an X-tian woman for nearly four years. She decided that it wasn't me, it was her three days before Thanksgiving one year. Two weeks later she was "involved" with some one else.

Some people are only alive because they've not betrayed the right person yet.

Well 101 marriage is a construct of mankind, and a silly one at that it doesn't account for change and evolvement of the parties involved, IMO no relationship is a waste they are a very valuable and insightful way to learn of one's self, clearly if you decided that you would no longer be abused that is a very healthy growth spurt for both you and him, there are many ways to define a relationship, may i suggest setting aside the concept of marrige as defined by religion and comeup with your own ideas, If you really look at the construct of marrige as defined by christianity you will see that it was created in the attempt to make love a forever thing which in and of itself is absurd because love by nature is infinite some might say eternal ( I'm not talking of the idea of love that passes for neediness and the you make me complete silliness love) If you ended a abusive relationship how you are calling this a failure? is soaring over my head? Really 101 what kind of god would ask you to suffer that may be the better question namaste sheri

I waited until I was almost 40 to get married. I was in the navy 12 years, and waited until I got out. After I had spiritual experiences, which I care not to discuss here, I decided to accept Judaism, the religion of my people, if not my family (mom and dad both atheists). I started attending a small temple, met a woman 7 years my junior, with a 12 year old son by the first of two previous marriages. after dating on and off for a few months, she got pregnant around her son's bar mitzvah, and I asked her to marry me. she was 7 months pregnant when we got married. we had a formal jewish wedding. four years later, when the marriage was falling apart, she got pregnant again, and the idea was, to save our marriage. it didn't work, I had to move out, met a non-jewish woman 3 years younger than my now-ex-wife, and even fatter! the relationship lasted 4 years, like the marriage! now I have these two little men, 9 and 12, who visit me every other weekend and call me "dad", I pay about half my salary to their mother, and have avoided relationships for the ensuing years. My life isn't that bad. I don't live alone. I have a disabled young person named Dave that stays with me, takes care of my apartment, helps with the rent (gets ssi), and even babysits for my kids if I have to run out for a while on the appropriate weekend. strangely enough, my exwife and I never got a jewish divorce, but, when she married husband #4, they had a jewish wedding by the msame rabbi. I never figured that one out. so, technically, I'm still married to her in the eyes of God. I am sure God understands the situation. There are very specific rules in the scriptures for marriage and divorce, and, yes I know what Jesus says about it in the n.t., but he also says the law is not to be broken. technically speaking, in case anyone cares about jewish law, since I am a "Cohen" (a descendant of the priestly line), my marriage with a divorced woman was not valid, anyway, not that I really care. I am 52 now, and not looking to date or anything. just thought I would share. I will say, 101, that if it really bothers you, find a religion that accepts your divorce. live your life,don't feel guilty.

I was sharing so that the Christians here would know that it is okay to divorce.

I know it is okay and I know I am better for it. But some find it very wrong to ever get a divorce. I was told even by the pastor never to stay in an abusive relationship. This is not a way to find acceptance but understanding.

Not everyone understands. And eventually people will understand.

Thank you all for replying.

oh good i'm glad you are raising awareness 101 namaste sheri

Every situation is different, just like every relationship and person is different. So to have one rule for everyone will not work.

Well said Rainbow Namaste Sheri

I dont believe that you should keep trying ot make a marrigae work out NO MATTER WHAT. the thing is we cant control what people do, we are only control what we can do. The person you married might have been great for you 5 years ago. But what if they totally change. What if they beccome a killer? lol that probably the worst case scenario but im sure its happened. But if you are a Christian I dont beleive that God would force you to stay with that person. God even states that he will "divorce" those that will not try to work with him on his common agenda i.e. the Devil?

Although I agree with you about not controlling people (I don't think people should try and manipulate others), I think if kids are involved, sometimes it helps to get a marriage counselor. The problem in the marriage may be something that is fixable. You never really know.

Marriage is like making dough. You have to keep working at it to make it grow. . . .
Like any work, however, there are always unappreciative partners or those who don't want to do their share to maintain the relationship. At that point the solution is simple. You should never give what is not earned or deserved. If you are doing all the work, then it will be your bread that comes out of the dough.
Ending a relationship is no different from starting it. Everything has its cycle and if the circle is closed in divorce, so be it.

yes i think that everyone who is married and has children needs to try to work it out if thats in the best interest of the children. I just think that some DONT TRY HARD ENOUGH to make it work. The other side of the coin is that SOME TRY TO HARD when it might be obvious nothing will be gained... or in say a continually abusive relationship..it might not be smart to stay. But each person seems to have a different definition of what try hard and not try hard means. Especially if "LOVE" is involved thoughts beliefs and realitys might get skewed easily i believe.

Well said
It isn't black and white, and it depends on that specific relationship.

I agree, Yele. I've had eight wives myself.

Eight wives! Not all a once I hope.

You must be a very strong person to handle it all then. I'm not being sarcastic, trust me. I think emotionally it would have been demanding. And wondering if there was ever a right person for you. That's the way I would have seen it anyway.

Okay, I had eight wives . . . . but only one was mine. (Just thought we needed a little relief here)

I'm sure she was special.

It's a joke, Yele . . . . get it? I had 8 wives but only one was mine?????

(throws hands in the air in frustration)
Don't you people already know I have no sense of humor?
JESUS!

Funny that the perspective on marriage that most people respect comes from a book where ancient, illiterate tribes people had nefarious behavior and engaged in things such as incest, drunkennness, slaughtering of women and children when they feel told to do so by the *high power,* not to mention commentary by a first century unmarried man who was a first rate misogynist.

^^lol, incenst is forbidden according to that book (Leviticus 18)

drunkenness is frowned upon (though not expressly forbidden - continual drunkenness perhaps is forbidden, but that is a separate issue...)

slaughtering of women and children - are you refering to Israel's movement into the Promised Land. This was to prevent the Israelite's (God's chosen people) from being corrupted by the ways of the other nations. And if you ever read the BIble, you'll see that the times that Israel is "merciful" and disobey's God's order and does not wipe out the population, those people are a continuous thorn in the Israelite's side, ever pushing them away from the worship of the one true God.

Finally, are you speaking of Jesus at the end? you will find it very difficult to find scriptural basis for him being mysoginistic in any way. You're welcome to try though

Regards, PA

Where the f*** did you read that at??? It's usually not good to make sh** up about other peoples' religion. Plenty of stuff that isn't opinionated conjecture (AKA: fact) out there to blog about without without revealing your deep-seated hatred for Christianity (come to think about it-This website is more and more a vessel for the spirituality bashers of cyber-land). Not all Christians (yeah I can write it) are holier-than-thou assholes no more than all Muslims are wanna-be suicide bombers...

Anyways, getting back to Christianity and marriage...I'm 42, retired Sergeant Major (SGM-US Army) and I couldn't imagine being around, let alone, 'married' to anyone for 25-30-40 whatever years to anyone person. I have no idea how my parents (or any couple) did (does) it for 40 years. With people living twice what the life expectancy of what they did during biblical times, it almost seems un-natural...

Hi Mr. Velvet,

I don't know how they do it either. It is like so wild. My granny has been married over 50 yrs. That is a long time. Not to think that they have had to had marital problems.

But maybe they just really love each other. And it is just natural to wake up next to them every morning.

I must have missed the part about Lot or his daughters being told to knock it off by God. Ditto the daughters for agreeing to get him drunk to get into the mood. As for the misogynist-that would be Paul. The bigger point still stands-this only reason for divorce rationale is laughable. The fact that adultery is only mentioned shows the male-centric small mindedness of those illiterate tribal leaders. . . . .IMHO. Though I could be wrong, they were probably philosophers and highly educated men.