Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. When they lit a fire in the
craft it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
and heat it too.
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Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood
and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields
and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, was known as
the lesser of two weevils.
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A three-legged dog walked into a saloon in the Old West. He slid up to
the bar and announced "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
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Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain
during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't
stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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A man entered his local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different
puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately,
no pun in ten did.
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A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption. One of them went
to a family in Egypt and was named Amahl. The other went to a family
in Spain; they named him Juan. Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself
to his mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she
wished she also had a picture of Amahl. Her husband responded, "But
they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amahl."
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Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a
small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers
from the "men of God," the rival florist across town thought the competition
was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He
went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his
mother to ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her, too. So the
rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in
town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their
store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, they did so,
thereby proving that

Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Oh My Gosh Schadeaux

Those were hilarious.

Are you sure you're not a comedian????