DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite
tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of
another
song you like and hum that instead.

CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by
having a pee before the film starts.

RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by
actually speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your
identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along
with
your old bank statements.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking
red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to
remove
the stains.

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm
sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set
one
of their dogs
on you.

EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the
CVs into the bin.

MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to
the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save
your
wife from having to do it.

GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself
by Royal Mail.

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a
very small horse is approaching.

DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn
and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send
them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving
everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the
morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the
valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving.
Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think
you are listening to the sea.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing
outside Primark with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch
and
occasionally glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg
into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph.
After
3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the
pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend
in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the
CVs into the bin. - HAHAHAHA! Presumably choose them randomly. But what if the unlucky people get lucky all of a sudden

DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn
and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send
them on their way. - this doesn't work. I've tried it

GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself
by Royal Mail. Sorry dont get it?

you're taking a chance on whether or not you'll get your 50 quid...implying bad mail service and thievery.

my fave was preventing burglaries by moving everything in the bedroom! i lol on that one and everyone at work looked at me funny.....

ooooooooooooh this is where you are ACG hahahaha
Visit her website at Aggie's Funzone haha

Those are funny!