this is a topic that seems controversial to many people. i'm just posting this out of curiosity and asking for your opinions. many kids at my school have chosen to get engaged at young ages (16-17). what age do you think is most appropriate to get engaged at? do you think that it really matters if the couple has been together for a long period of time and is sure if what they are getting themselves into?

i believe that any age is okay, though getting engaged at age 15 after dating for 2 months is a bit ridiculous. i think the correctness of the decision depends on the maturity of the individuals and their relationship's strength.

Maturity is what matters most.....I know 18 and 19 year-olds that are more mature than some 40 year-olds I know..... Just because you're 16 and 'in love' doesn't mean you're mature enough to handle the responsibility that comes with marriage....anyone can be engaged...

I think its maturity too. and I also think it matters how long you have been together and how much dating expeirience you've had.I'm 17 and I'm getting married in October I'll be 18 then I've been with my current boyfriend since I was 15 but I had alot of dating expeirience and we've been through alot in the early stages of our relationship that would break most people but weve stuck through it.

yeah, the reason i ask is partially because i'm facing a situation similar to that in my post. i'm 16 years old, as is my boyfriend, and we've been together almost 2 years now. our relationship is a long distance relationship. it always has been. but we've made it through that and are still doing well. anyway, he's been talking about asking me to marry him when our 2 year anniversary comes around. we wouldn't get married until we're well out of highschool and such, of course. but yeah... i'm not sure what to think. if it were anyone else, i'd tell them to go ahead, but now that it comes down to me being in the situation, i'm somewhat confused. undead, at what age did you and your boyfriend get engaged, if you don't mind my asking?

he's actually my first boyfriend, and i know that i should technically have more dating experience, but i don't really want any. i'm pretty certain that, whoever i find out there, i'll end up coming back to him, because i really can't imagine life without him. i've been with him since the age of 14. we're quite compatible. if all goes well, i think we'll probably be together for a very very long time.

thanks for sharing, undead and nyx

Ok

this is from a guy with a little experience. Never In any sort of normal reality would getting engaged at 16 make any sense ever.

You are for the most part not in love but infatuated, that is a big difference. As far as a teen taking advice from an elder well probable won't happen. Hell I'm a glutten for punishment.

At your age, and I do not mean to sound condescending, but at your age and even to the age of early 20 hood. I would slow down,big time.

Enjoy what you have together, and take it for what it is now. The future is more then you can possible imagine and well you will figure it out.

No need to rush.

All the best though.

yeah, i'd voted maturity as well, i'm 19, and still wayyyy to immature to get engaged in a rational conversation, nevermind get engaged in marriage.

i understand where you're coming from...

but given that you don't know me, you have no idea what i've experienced and how much maturity i have gained from those experiences. i'm quite a ways ahead of myself, maturity wise. that's not my issue, though. my issue is the rushing, not the maturity. i don't think i'm rushing in, but i don't want to make a mistake, you know? i do have the rest of my life, but at the same time, i'm fairly certain that i want to spend the rest of it with him.

and it's not infatuation. trust me. if it were, i would not be dating someone who lived four hours away from me, whom i only got to see once a month. infatuation isn't worth that.

Sorry but just about everyone thinks they're mature when they're younger. When you look back in 20 years time you'll either laugh or cringe at the things you've done in the name of maturity.

There's a whole world out there to see and do. Why not just exchange commitment rings?

You crack me up.

I also think it is not a number that should be defined here.
Can you support your children? Have you an education?

We have too many kids running around that others have to feed already!

I think that looking at the statistics of failed marriages that start before the age of 25(insanely high), I would have to say that the later the better.

No matter how mature a person thinks they may be, there is still the matter of having an understanding of the responsibilities of an adult that can only be achieved over time when a person lives as a full adult; out of the home, with a job and the ability to handle the requirements of everyday life succesfully before they should even consider marriage.

The age of 16 is just way out of the question in my opinion...Maybe in 10 years, but not now...Get a few years of adulthood under your belt before you step into something as serious as a marriage.

Long distance relationships don't really count in my opinion...it is easy to be "on your best behaviour" when you only get to see a person a short amount of time; spending a great deal of time together experiencing life is the only way that you are ever going to know what that person is like in good times and bad...seeing them when they are frustrated, tired, angry, confused and all of the spectrum of emotions can't be experienced long distance, so you will not fully know that other person until the time comes to be brought together full time...unfortunately when that happens you chance finding out that you really only liked the long distance version of that other person...

It may be the old cranky person in me, but I have to say that if he really loved you, he (and you)would wait until the both of you grew up to make such a big jump. The both of you are going to change a lot between now and the time that you are 20 years old. Odds are that you will not change in the same direction, and will be very different people than you are at this time. It would a great if that weren't the case, and I hope that you two beat the odds, but realisticly that won't happen and should you get married and bring kids into the world like so many young people do now, you are just setting yourself up for a huge fall.

Take your time...you might have hit a home run the first boyfriend out, and that would be wonderful, but give it some time and see...

If it is meant to be, he will be there for you in 5 years, to ask you then, if it isn't then you will be glad that you waited.

I agree. I once read that before you marry, or cohabitate that you should take a one or two week vacation together. If you are still on speaking terms when it's over, then you have a chance!

Remember, any man can keep many women happy for a while. What is rare, is a man who can keep one woman happy for the rest of her life!

when we see one another it's usually a matter of 1-2 weeks, spending 24/7 together. and yes, we're still on speaking terms.

i've struggled through many things that few adults even go through in my life. i wish you all would give the maturity thing a rest and just trust me when i say that i do know exactly what my maturity level is.

anyhow, this thread isn't about me to begin with, so i don't want to be the one being talked about. talk about your own opinions, me and my dilemma aside.

Age makes no difference, it's all about maturity.

Anyone who does not graduate from high school and then work for at LEAST three or four years saving money up before getting married is not very mature at all.
A real engagement is a commitment towards the future, not an option to buy.
If they do not already have a steady reliable job and a basic education then they are proving how NOT very mature they are by getting engaged.

You need maturity, but you also need to be old enough to be able to have an income and to make it work.

I agree with Bella completely. I suppose its not about age, but about maturity, though I don't think many people (if any) have the appropriate level of maturity and stability to create a good marriage at any age under .... 25... definately NOT under 20.

(This isn't directed at anyone in particular, just my thoughts)

Maturity through life experience (like having your own home, paying bills, having savings, etc.) is completely different than 'I've been through a lot so I'm mature." And loving someone at 16 when you are still in school is COMPLETELY different from loving someone at 25 after you are an adult.


I'm 31, and I've been divorced for five years now. I know what I'm talking about.

I didn't pick either of the options on the poll....

Because from experience... I think getting engaged is okay at a young age, as long as it is a long engagement and each person involved gets through college and has a career or stable job and has time to experience life.

I was married at 18 and my X was 19..... we were WAY too young... I am remarried now, but I know that if me and my first husband had waited until we were 24 or 25, our marriage would have lasted.

At that young of an age, you haven't experienced life yet....

So I say getting engaged at 18 or so is okay, as long as marriage is on hold for at least 4 years.

I voted 21+...

enjoy your teenage years and early twenties before settling down...

i voted for whenever they feel like it however i think i would change that because i think its more about maturity and whether or not you really think your ready to commit and deal with all the consequences. Im only 15 and i don't want to get married until im a lot older and have a staedy job and stuff so that ive had a lif eof my own. i think thats important.

thanks guys, for your input. of course, if we were to get engaged, we would wait a very long time to ever get married. i'm not that stupid. i want a steady job and income before i even start to think about a wedding, lol. it's more of a promise, rather than an engagement, i guess?

anyhow, please try to keep the insults at a minimum. they're a bit hurtful. thanks.

i'm not saying that i AM engaged or that i definitely will be engaged. we still have a lot to talk about before any of that happens. so try not to accuse me of being immature and making stupid decisions. i haven't made any kind of decision yet.

i understand what you're saying. ever since my dad left, i've been working during any spare time i have to help my mom make ends meet. i may not have my own home, but i do have a substantial savings account and have planned way ahead of time for the future and any difficulties it might hold.

and i think that love depends on the individual, really. not the age.

As I see it, if you can drink leagly you can marry. You dont have to be mature, theres alway divorce.

I hate marriage.

I'm 20 and got engaged when i was 19 i would have to agree with everyone else you have to be mature to handle the responsibility that comes with being engaged

16-17 is ridiculous.

I reckon whenever they want though. Makes no difference to me.

But I agree with Fluffy, don't move out of home, and immediately get married.

it was idfficult it was either maturity or 21+ for me but i picked maturity

I voted that both need to be mature. I've witnessed friends who got engaged and married at a young age and are still together, and I've seen other friends who did the same thing and are on their second or third marriage. Me personally I'm glad I didn't get engaged until I was 25. I had time to date around and figure out what I wanted in life.

You get engaged to be married when you set the wedding date. Otherwise it has no meaning.

What I would say is, getting engaged is fine. I've been with my boyfriend now for a year and about 8 months and he plans to ask me after two years. (I'm 21) What the real test is is living together. It's all fine and dandy getting engaged and not living together but what of when push comes to shove you aren't able to live with each other? I know a lot of people frown upon living together before marriage but I think it's a good idea. Y'know test run the goods. It's nowt to do with age, it's all maturity. Rose_ Ashes, I'm not trying to insult you or be hurtful or anthing but just consider that maybe yes getting engaged may be fine, but it's going to be entirely different when you move in, being together all the time instead of once a month. No-one wants anyone to get hurt. Personally I think it's great you have done so well over such a distance and over such a long period of time and I wish you the best of luck and hope turns out well for you. Only you know what you truly want and when you're ready.

i sayd never cuz you dont need a paper to prove love

that is soooo true! i'm now living together with my partner and at the start it was tough the first 3 months could "make or break" your relationship try living first with him/her THEN get engaged

In all honesty, I believe there is never a good time to get married. Age, maturity etc. they all mean nothing. You will never know if it will work until you try and trying requires a hell of a lot of commitment. Unless you've been married you have no idea how much that single piece of paper will change your life and relationship.

I have been through a lot, more than most people will have to handle in a life time. I've had more responisibility than should be given to someone so young, more pain and more harsh reality (not having a whinge, I just get on with it). According to people a lot older than me, my maturity level is astounding (I hate when they say that, these days I just want to be a child like I never had the opportunity to be).
I moved out of home just after my 16th birthday and lived with all the responsibility that goes with it. I had enough money, and education and a job. I had relationship experience, both casual and serious. I had a man I had been with for three years, and we'd been best friends half our lives. I had everything a person is supposed to have when they 'settle down'.

I married merely months after my 19th birthday. It was perfect, we were so in love. Now, we're just sad and broken. We still live together and have retained the friendship and caring we fell in love with but our marriage is over. We live together because it's convienient to the current situation (don't advise here, our situation is unusual) and we get along most of the time. It's heart breaking to love someone and know it will never work. All the maturity and age in the world cannot help you when mental illness intervenes. I firmly believe that if it weren't for my husband's condition we would still be the happy couple we were before we married as we still love each other.

Get engaged when you like, it won't prepare you for the real trials.

i'm very sorry, ebony. mental illness can be an awful thing.
i do hope that one day you and your husband can go back to the way things were.
if you don't mind my asking, what kind of mental illness does he have? and has he gotten treatment?

once again, best of luck to the two of you. no one should have to go through that.

He has a few conditions, all exacerbated by acute depression. He's getting treatment, which is how we manage to live together. If he wasn't, it'd be far too dangerous for me to stay. As it is he occasionally has violent rages (so far they haven't been directed towards me, but towards himself and other people).

I really appreciate your concern. Thanks!

Reading back my post, it sounds bitter but I'm not. I've come to terms with the way things worked out, I just wanted to say that sometimes things go bad and it's no one's fault and has nothing to do with age or maturity.

I agree, marriage causes more BS than it's worth, and it doesn't mean anything.
To truly love someone you need commitment, not a piece of paper.
Although Las Vegas has the right idea

With people pushing 80+ life expectancy-getting married at 20 is just ridiculus. I couldn't imagine being around the same person for 60+ years..

My partner and I took ages to decide whether or not we wanted to get married. We're both not big fans of the marriage thing his parents split when he was one and his mum has been married and divorced a second time. But after living together since we first started going out for five years and 2 little girls (we did everything backwards ) We decided to get married.
We were both 19 when we started going out, have been through a heck of a lot, I was pregnant when I was 20. We still dont know whether we are doing the right thing. Marriage isnt some thing I would want to jump into, but I think that the procrastinator in me,

I got engaged on my 17th birthday, I was married at 20, had two kids by the ages of 26 and 28, separated at 34, divorced at 37.

I regret not one moment, without that marriage I would not have had my two children - granted I may have had some with another but their make-up would not be as it is now.

My new husband and my ex-husband are friends, I still speak to my ex and my daughters are relaxed with the whole situation, they are now getting ready to fly the nest lol.

What I am saying is, if it feels right, who the hell is anyone to try and stop you, just for God's sake make sure you are doing it for the right reasons, otherwise nothing but heartache will follow - and we don't want that!

Well I hope I'm with my fiance` at 80 and beyond if we both live that long. Not about age, maturity, compatibility and communication mean more than years.

ooOOoo this is an oldie. Although I've already replied um, last year...I still stick with my 21+ answer -to be married-. I'm all for being engaged whenever. The real test is being with someone over time and living with them. You really get to know someone well when you're surrounded with their weird habits, mood swings and just the general crap they can dish out (not good with money, having a wandering eye, jealousy, etc). It can get annoying really fast - learn to love that person for who they really are before making that giant leap into marriage.

It takes time and no one likes a broken heart.

I think I over analyze people.

*shuts up and leaves*

I was married at 16. It lasted 18 years. We have 5 beautiful kids. I also dont regret it. For the same reasons as you. ( my ex and I are good friends now to) However I tell my kids to wait tell they are in their 20's because I did miss out on alot of my childhood. Getting engaged I dont see as a problem though.

Have to agree 100%.

If you can't afford kids then you should not get engaged.

Even if you are not planning on kids accidents do happen and the last thing that the world needs is more parents who can't support their kids.

So yes it is based on your maturity but even more so on your circumstances. Getting engaged before your 20's seems silly to me as it is very hard to know what is going to happen.

Your post school years are very hectic, finding a job, deciding on further studies and the like.

Being married or even engaged could I think add much further complications.

So I think it is best to wait until you are a little older before marrying. 20's at leawst I think. However I realise this is not universal and that many people marry earlier. If this is best for them then so be it but as has been said, if the person really IS the one, then they should be wiling to wait a few years.

I agree with Fluffy Bunny on this one. I would have voted twice, 21+ and been dating 2+ years, but really getting married is what counts, not so much the engagement, you can always have a long engagement.

My husband and I took careful to the extreme. We "broke up" for awhile in college to date other people because we wanted to make sure the relationship was right... having been high school sweethearts (we started dating so young) it was either that or move on to the next level. We dated a few people, realized everyone else we dated was completely nuts, and got back together. Then instead of getting married we moved in together for a little over a year to make sure we could handle that. Our parents were actually happy about it, they knew how important being sure was to us, and they knew that this was a necessary step for us to get married. When we did tie the knot we were both satisfied that we were doing the right thing, no concerns or worries on that big day, and we've never had to question it. At a young age I had to deal with divorces, and I just couldn't handle the idea of having to go through that myself.

I'd say maturity but everyone thinks they are mature when they are young. Many many people get engaged very young but the engagement usually ends and the couple breaks up thankfully before marriage. If you want to get married and know you are going to be together forever then, please tell me, what is the hurry?

I met the man I want to marry at age 16. I'm almost 21 now and we are still together and want to get married. The thing is, there is no way in hell any of us are walking down the aisle until a few more years when we are financially stable and are 10000000% sure we aren't going to ruin our lives.

There is enough divorce in the U.S. Just freakin wait!

Great move. Kudos to you!!


"Ruin our lives" might be a little strong, but from what I've seen, for a long time it sure seems that way when things turn sour.

It's possible to be friends with your ex, but more often than not-especially when children are involved, things can go terrible wrong. My boyfriends parents are divorced and they are both absolutely insane. I couldn't bare to live with that much negativity in my heart. It's like their brain cells have died as well. Yeesh.

I do know those who are friends with their exes, still a lot of pain was involved. Better safe than sorry I say. Even then divorce is still a possibility, but I feel I am lessening the chances of it from ever happening.

Kids having Kids

I voted Never marriage is what it used to be people use it to get rich or to get places its lost its purpose. Noone loves each other anymore they justy rely on others to get around. Its sad.

My parents didn't get married until 2 years ago actually. They were together long before I was born and stayed together afterwards. I was told I was a planned birth though which I am not sure if I believe or not (nor so I really care). I don't believe marriage is necessary but there are added benifts (taxes and stuff) that can make life a bit easier. There are some who would say though that if a man doesn't marry a woman he is just taking advantage of her and the whole "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" type of deal . I find that ridiculous and if a man is being scummy and using a woman in the first place, some piece of paper is not going to change that.

true

But with people making their own way in the world taxes and stuff dont work. Same sex couples miss out on those benifits in most cases cause they are not allowe dto marry its stupid. Ill chuck a Jplie Pitt fit and say I wont marry til its allowed for everyone lol

But the issuse isnt me its age
and i think marriage should only happen after 25 or 30
I think each person needs to know where they are in their lives
Also extensive marriage counselling before and during the marriage is required