That Children Have Learned:
1 No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2 When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3 If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4 You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
5 Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a Tic-Tac.
6 Never hold a Dust Buster and a cat at the same time.
7 You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
8 Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
That Adults Have Learned:
1 Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2 Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
3 Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
4 My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
5 If you can remain calm while all others around you are losing their heads, maybe you just don't understand the problem.
About Growing Old:
1 Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2 Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
3 Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
4 You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5 One of life's mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds.
6 God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind, I will live forever.
7 I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
8 There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
9 Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
10 Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
11 Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Full Version: Some jokes and humorous pages!
How to give the cat a pill:
1 Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2 Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3 Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4 Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5 Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6 Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7 Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8 Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9 Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10 Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11 Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12 Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13 Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14 Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15 Call the vets office and make an appointment for THEM to give the cat its pill.
How to give the dog a pill:
1 Wrap it in bacon.
1 Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2 Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3 Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4 Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5 Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6 Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7 Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8 Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9 Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10 Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11 Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12 Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13 Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14 Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15 Call the vets office and make an appointment for THEM to give the cat its pill.
How to give the dog a pill:
1 Wrap it in bacon.
Differences between cats and dogs
Dogs come when you call them. Cats take a message and get back to you.
Dogs look great at the end of a leash. Don't even think about it.
Dogs sit in your lap because they love you. Cats sit in your lap because it's warm.
Dogs enjoy their bath. Cats will take out a contract on your life.
Dogs will bark to wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.
Dogs will bring you your slippers or the evening newspaper. Cats might bring you a dead mouse.
Dogs will play Frisbee with you all afternoon. Cats will take a three-hour nap.
Dogs will sit on the car seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private box or they will not go at all.
Dogs will greet you and lick your face when you come home from work. Cats will be mad that you went to work at all.
Dogs will sit, lie down, and heel on command. Cats will smirk and walk away.
Dogs will tilt their heads and listen whenever you talk. Cats will yawn and close their eyes.
Dogs will give you unconditional love forever. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.
How to Build a Web Site
1 Download Web authoring software. (20 minutes)
2 Think about what you want to write on your Web site. (6 weeks)
3 Download the same Web authoring software, because they have released 3 new versions since the first time you downloaded it. (20 minutes)
4 Decide to just steal some images and awards to put on your site. (1 minute)
5 Visit sites to find images and awards, find 5 of them that you like. (4 days)
6 Run setup of your Web authoring software. After it fails, download it again. (25 minutes)
7 Run setup again, boot the software, click all toolbar buttons to see what they do. (15 minutes)
8 View the source of others' pages, steal some, change a few words here and there. (4 hours)
9 Preview your Web page using the Web Authoring software. (1 minute)
10 Try to horizontally line up two related images. (6 hours)
11 Remove one of the images. (10 seconds)
12 Set the text's font color to the same color as your background, wonder why all your text is gone. (4 hours)
13 Display a counter from your ISP. (4 minutes)
14 Try to figure out why your counter reads "You are visitor number "-16.3E10." (3 hours)
15 Put 4 blank lines between two lines of text. (8 hours)
16 Fine-tune the text, then prepare to load your Web page on your ISP. (40 minutes)
17 Accidentally delete your complete web page. (1 second)
18 Recreate your web page. (2 days)
19 Try to figure out how to load your Web page onto your ISP's server. (3 weeks)
20 Call a patient friend to find out about FTP. (30 minutes)
21 Download FTP software. (10 minutes)
22 Call your friend again. (15 minutes)
23 Upload your web page to your ISP's server. (10 minutes)
24 Connect to your site on the web. (1 minute)
25 Wait for someone to increment the hit counter and sign your guestbook. (months)
1 Download Web authoring software. (20 minutes)
2 Think about what you want to write on your Web site. (6 weeks)
3 Download the same Web authoring software, because they have released 3 new versions since the first time you downloaded it. (20 minutes)
4 Decide to just steal some images and awards to put on your site. (1 minute)
5 Visit sites to find images and awards, find 5 of them that you like. (4 days)
6 Run setup of your Web authoring software. After it fails, download it again. (25 minutes)
7 Run setup again, boot the software, click all toolbar buttons to see what they do. (15 minutes)
8 View the source of others' pages, steal some, change a few words here and there. (4 hours)
9 Preview your Web page using the Web Authoring software. (1 minute)
10 Try to horizontally line up two related images. (6 hours)
11 Remove one of the images. (10 seconds)
12 Set the text's font color to the same color as your background, wonder why all your text is gone. (4 hours)
13 Display a counter from your ISP. (4 minutes)
14 Try to figure out why your counter reads "You are visitor number "-16.3E10." (3 hours)
15 Put 4 blank lines between two lines of text. (8 hours)
16 Fine-tune the text, then prepare to load your Web page on your ISP. (40 minutes)
17 Accidentally delete your complete web page. (1 second)
18 Recreate your web page. (2 days)
19 Try to figure out how to load your Web page onto your ISP's server. (3 weeks)
20 Call a patient friend to find out about FTP. (30 minutes)
21 Download FTP software. (10 minutes)
22 Call your friend again. (15 minutes)
23 Upload your web page to your ISP's server. (10 minutes)
24 Connect to your site on the web. (1 minute)
25 Wait for someone to increment the hit counter and sign your guestbook. (months)
From a Kid's Point of View...
* After the christening of his baby brother in church, Little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
* Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?" "Oh, that's Pontius -- the Pilot!"
* The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," Little Johnny replies, "I don't have to, my mom is a good cook!"
* I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen!"
* One Sunday, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"
* And one particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
* A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
* The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel microphone, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
* Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
*A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Okay Ryan, you be Jesus!"
* A mother invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the mother answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
* At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as though he was ill, and said. "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife!"
* A Child's Prayer overheard... "Our Father, who does art in heaven, Howard is his name...."
* After the christening of his baby brother in church, Little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
* Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?" "Oh, that's Pontius -- the Pilot!"
* The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," Little Johnny replies, "I don't have to, my mom is a good cook!"
* I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen!"
* One Sunday, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"
* And one particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
* A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
* The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel microphone, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
* Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
*A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Okay Ryan, you be Jesus!"
* A mother invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the mother answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
* At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as though he was ill, and said. "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife!"
* A Child's Prayer overheard... "Our Father, who does art in heaven, Howard is his name...."
What a redneck thinks the computer terms mean?
* Backup - What you need to do when you run into a tree
* Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick
* Byte - What them dang flies do
* Cache - What you need to buy vittles
* Chip - Munchies for the TV
* Crash - When you go to a party uninvited
* Digital - The art of counting on you fingers
* Dot Matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife
* Download - Getting the firewood off the truck
* Enter - City talk for "C'mon in y'all"
* Ethernet - What you use to catch the etherbunny
* Hacker - Uncle Buddy after 40 years of smoking
* Hard Drive - Getting home in the winter time
* Hardware - The parts of a computer that can be kicked
* Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
* Keyboard - Where you hang the truck keys, tractor keys, etc.
* Laptop - Where the kitty sleeps
* Log on - Making a wood stove hotter
* Log off - Don't add no more wood
* Main frame - Holds up the barn roof
* Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
* Mega Hertz - What happens when you're not careful getting the firewood
* Micro chip - What's at the bottom of the munchie bag
* MODEM - What you did when the grass and weeds got too tall
* Monitor - Keeping an eye on the wood stove
* Mouse - What eats the grain in the barn
* Mouse pad - Where Mickey and Minnie lives
* Multitasking - Messing up several things at once
* Port - Fancy city talk for wine
* Prompt - What the mail isn't during winter time
* Random Access Memory - When you can't remember what you paid for the cow when yore wife asks
* ROM - Where the pope lives
* Screen - What to shut when it's black fly season
* Software - Them plastic forks and knifes
* Windows - What to shut when it's cold outside
* Backup - What you need to do when you run into a tree
* Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick
* Byte - What them dang flies do
* Cache - What you need to buy vittles
* Chip - Munchies for the TV
* Crash - When you go to a party uninvited
* Digital - The art of counting on you fingers
* Dot Matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife
* Download - Getting the firewood off the truck
* Enter - City talk for "C'mon in y'all"
* Ethernet - What you use to catch the etherbunny
* Hacker - Uncle Buddy after 40 years of smoking
* Hard Drive - Getting home in the winter time
* Hardware - The parts of a computer that can be kicked
* Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
* Keyboard - Where you hang the truck keys, tractor keys, etc.
* Laptop - Where the kitty sleeps
* Log on - Making a wood stove hotter
* Log off - Don't add no more wood
* Main frame - Holds up the barn roof
* Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
* Mega Hertz - What happens when you're not careful getting the firewood
* Micro chip - What's at the bottom of the munchie bag
* MODEM - What you did when the grass and weeds got too tall
* Monitor - Keeping an eye on the wood stove
* Mouse - What eats the grain in the barn
* Mouse pad - Where Mickey and Minnie lives
* Multitasking - Messing up several things at once
* Port - Fancy city talk for wine
* Prompt - What the mail isn't during winter time
* Random Access Memory - When you can't remember what you paid for the cow when yore wife asks
* ROM - Where the pope lives
* Screen - What to shut when it's black fly season
* Software - Them plastic forks and knifes
* Windows - What to shut when it's cold outside
Funny bumper stickers
I'm not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
A Waist is a Terrible Thing to Mind
Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine
I even have boring dreams...I fall asleep in my sleep!
It's bad luck to be superstitious
Stupidity is not a handicap - Park elsewhere!
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once
I misplaced my dictionary. Now I'm at a loss for words.
The gene pool could use a little more chlorine
I finally got my head together, but my body fell apart
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
Just say "ON" to dyslexia
I am reading a very interesting book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
Honk softly - I've had a bad day!
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure
If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane
I started with nothing and still have most of it left
I haven't lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere
Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune time
Ben Kenobi at the dinner table: Use the FORKS, Luke!
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
On the other hand, you have different fingers
One good turn gets most of the blankets
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night
There are 3 kinds of people: those who are good at math and those who aren't
Illiterate? Call This Number for Help...
Is it ok to use an AM Radio after noon?
Never do cards tricks for the group you play poker with
If you can read this, please flip me over (seen upside-down on a jeep)
If you can read this, I've lost my trailer
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard
He's dead, Jim. You grab his wallet, I'll grab his tricorder.
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a dark side, it has a light side, and it holds the Universe together.
Heck was created for those who refuse to believe in Gosh
If at first you don't succeed -- give up! No use being a darn fool.
Forget world peace - Visualize using your turn signal
I used to have a handle on life - then it broke off
Smile, it makes people wonder what you're thinking
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear
I took an IQ test and the results were negative
A man's house is his hassle
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer
There are two times I feel stress--day and night
Nothing is so smiple that it can't be messed up
Always remember you are unique - just like everyone else
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in school
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her - or something like that
If at first you do succeed - try not to look astonished!
You're never too old to learn something stupid
Be nice to your kids - they'll pick your nursing home
Dyslexics of the world - untie!
How does the guy who drives the snow plough get to work in the mornings?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism
Trust in God, but lock your car
Hard work never killed anybody...but why take chances?
Money can't buy everything. That's what credit cards are for.
When in doubt, give advice
No one is listening until you make a mistake
If you think nobody cares, miss a couple of payments
I'm not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
A Waist is a Terrible Thing to Mind
Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine
I even have boring dreams...I fall asleep in my sleep!
It's bad luck to be superstitious
Stupidity is not a handicap - Park elsewhere!
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once
I misplaced my dictionary. Now I'm at a loss for words.
The gene pool could use a little more chlorine
I finally got my head together, but my body fell apart
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
Just say "ON" to dyslexia
I am reading a very interesting book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
Honk softly - I've had a bad day!
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure
If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane
I started with nothing and still have most of it left
I haven't lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere
Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune time
Ben Kenobi at the dinner table: Use the FORKS, Luke!
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
On the other hand, you have different fingers
One good turn gets most of the blankets
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night
There are 3 kinds of people: those who are good at math and those who aren't
Illiterate? Call This Number for Help...
Is it ok to use an AM Radio after noon?
Never do cards tricks for the group you play poker with
If you can read this, please flip me over (seen upside-down on a jeep)
If you can read this, I've lost my trailer
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard
He's dead, Jim. You grab his wallet, I'll grab his tricorder.
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a dark side, it has a light side, and it holds the Universe together.
Heck was created for those who refuse to believe in Gosh
If at first you don't succeed -- give up! No use being a darn fool.
Forget world peace - Visualize using your turn signal
I used to have a handle on life - then it broke off
Smile, it makes people wonder what you're thinking
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear
I took an IQ test and the results were negative
A man's house is his hassle
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer
There are two times I feel stress--day and night
Nothing is so smiple that it can't be messed up
Always remember you are unique - just like everyone else
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in school
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her - or something like that
If at first you do succeed - try not to look astonished!
You're never too old to learn something stupid
Be nice to your kids - they'll pick your nursing home
Dyslexics of the world - untie!
How does the guy who drives the snow plough get to work in the mornings?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism
Trust in God, but lock your car
Hard work never killed anybody...but why take chances?
Money can't buy everything. That's what credit cards are for.
When in doubt, give advice
No one is listening until you make a mistake
If you think nobody cares, miss a couple of payments
Buying For Men:
1 When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
2 If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.
3 If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car, a 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
4 Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. Once I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.
5 You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips....
6 Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.
7 Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.
8 Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.
9 Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.
10 Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")
11 Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"
12 Tickets to a football game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.
13 Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
14 It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.
15 Rope. Men love rope. It takes them back to our cowboy origins, or at least the Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.
Buying For Women
1 JEWELRY. Everyone knows why.
1 When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
2 If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.
3 If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car, a 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
4 Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. Once I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.
5 You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips....
6 Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.
7 Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.
8 Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.
9 Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.
10 Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")
11 Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"
12 Tickets to a football game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.
13 Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
14 It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.
15 Rope. Men love rope. It takes them back to our cowboy origins, or at least the Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.
Buying For Women
1 JEWELRY. Everyone knows why.
Nice ones Kryso
lol .. all are good .. took time to read them .. tho .. liked them ..
Thank you
Thank you
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