Virginia Bottomley - I'm an evil Tory bigot
Michael Heseltine - Elect him, he's alien
David Mellor - Dildo marvel
The Houses of Parliament - Loonies far up the Thames
Francois Mitterand - Mad strain of cretin
Performance related pay - Mere end of year claptrap
Dame Agatha Christie - I am a right death case
The Open University - Intrusive Neophyte
The Metropolitan Police Force - I'm fellatio, the erect porno cop
Acorn Computers - Crap to consumer
Benson and Hedges - NHS been a godsend
Eastenders - needs a rest
Home and Away - Aha..yawn mode
Eldorado - Real dodo
Selina Scott - Elastic snot
Peter Ustinov - Eruptive snot
Actors - scrota
Robert DeNiro - error on bidet
Rita Hayworth - Hot hairy wart
Sir Alec Guinness - Clearing sinuses
Mel Gibson - big melons
Arnold Schwarzenegger - He's grown large 'n' crazed
Kylie Minogue - I like 'em young
Gloria Estefan - large fat noise
Chris Rea - rich arse
Marti Pellow - Ill tapeworm
Madonna, the material girl - Real dim man-eating harlot
Ossie Ardiles - Arse is soiled
Diego Maradona - O dear, I'm a gonad
Martina Navratilova -Variant rival to a man
Gabriela Sabatini - Insatiable airbag
Irritable Bowel Syndrome - O my terrible drains below
Boddingtons, the cream of Manchester - Boddington's stomach ache fermenter
Stella Artois, reassuringly expensive - Pint 'o' lager virtually erases sexiness
An Intel Pentium Processor - Customer nipple not arisen
Pentium Processor - Computerises porn
Funeral - real fun
Christians -rich saints
Women Priests - new imposters
David Ginolla - Vaginal Dildo
and finally.........
Motorway Service Station - I eat coronary vomit stews