This topic i decided to start because there are some pretty
funny one liners that my friend KENNY made up i will never forget they are so funny and
original.


this is the one in my head that provoked me to start topic.

" It's nice to see that pimple between your -
- shoulders finaly came to a head ! "

Kenny thureson- a real goofball 1978c.


So folks i know you guys pretty well by reading your posts elsewhere
and i know theres got to be some infamous one liners
out there
and people you know who u are....lol
or use a ready made one
lets see what ya got !

Abecrombie

The worst one Ive had used on me: Grab your coat luv, youve just been pulled.

"You remind me of my brother - only he has a human head." Judy Tenuta

"Excuse me, my leg has gone to sleep - do you mind if I join it?" Not sure who this is.

"Smoking will cure weight problems. Eventaully."

If everything is coming your way you're in the wrong lane

Everyone can be old, you just have to live long enough - Groucho marx

"I may not be Half-God, but I am Full Mod!" - Kismit

did any other children live in your family?

I'll hit you so hard your next 2 kids will be born dizzy

it's a beautiful day..now watch some idiot louse it up

When you feel sad...I probally did it- Guess who

When your shot and you fall down Never say anything because the person will know your alive

Jordan!Stop sucking away the valuable oxygen from Shauna-My teacher

Man,i am so great,i can't wait till my new songs come out.They're called Aint it great to be me,who wouldn't want to be me......-My teacher

My teacher:get to work
Student:i can't
teacher:whys that
student:sexual exhaustion
*all the students laughed*
My teacher:Then write with your other hand
*the students laughed even louder*

the last one is from a time when my teacher taught at another school

They say you can't get aids from a toilet seat, but you can if sit down before the last guy gets up.

theres only heaven because the devil has to get rid of the people who annoy him-Me

Why should we be thanking God for giving us all of our stuff instead asking him why he didn't give it to all of the other people.-Me again

We had to give up so much just for these Big brains so use them GOD DAMN IT!!- Me once again

evoulution may be a theory, but so is creation- Guess who

ilke this one..... says to girl.. ive fallen for you like a blind roofer.

"I'm sweating like a pig being led to the slaughter house." - me on a very hot day.

"It hotter than a fresh f@#k#d fox in a forest fire "

Abecrombie

lol some of those are really funny

I give new meaning to word crazy -me

It's better to be p*ssed off than to be p*ssed on.

Otter: What a tool.
Dean Vernon Wormer: I didn't get that, son, what was that?
Otter: Uh, I said, "What a shame that a few bad apples have to spoil a good time for everyone by breaking the rules."

"You are a sad, strange, little man." - Buzz Lightyear

Guy I work with (C.E.S. - he's got to be in his upper 60's, very active) says these:

Me: "Good morning! How are you today?"
C.E.S.: "Well, felt myself this mornin an I felt pretty good!"
or
C.E.S.: "Looked at myself in the mirror an I fell in love."

Opening the door for a lady he says: "You think I'm being polite, but I really just wanted to look at the back of ya."

Tells me I'm "Handy as a left foot"

Reminds me of a different co-worker (S.B.). One time I was screwing up a meter repair and I was apologizing and had said if it were me I'd have fired myself by now. He says:
"Nah, easier than gettin a bunch of monkeys to do it."

Boss (P.A.) hired a Real Looker. She was HOT. The day after he hired her he comes in early just so he can tell me this warning:
"You can work the ride horses, but ya better not ride the work horses."

Friend of mine used to tell me I could screw up a wet dream.

All of that helps me identify with the quote by Groucho:
"I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member." (http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/g/groucho_marx.html more groucho)

And from my blog on another site, quotes I try and/or tend to live by:

Look before you leap, because he who hesitates is lost.

The more I learn, the more I realize how much I don't know... and you never know what you don't know (what you don't know can hurt you).

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant. - R M N


That which has been is what will be,
That which is done is what will be done,
And there is nothing new under the sun.
Eccl 1:9

"Yeah, sure that is a great idea. Let me jot that one down right here on my list under Mohammed's Whole Hog Pulled Pork Barbeque restaurant!" - Bella

Otter: Ladies and gentlemen, I'll be brief. The issue here is not whether we broke a few rules, or took a few liberties with our female party guests - we did.
[winks at Dean Wormer]
Otter: But you can't hold a whole fraternity responsible for the behavior of a few, sick twisted individuals. For if you do, then shouldn't we blame the whole fraternity system? And if the whole fraternity system is guilty, then isn't this an indictment of our educational institutions in general? I put it to you, Greg - isn't this an indictment of our entire American society? Well, you can do whatever you want to us, but we're not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America. Gentlemen!

"One thought he was invincible.....the other thought he could fly.

They were both wrong!"

"Frankly my dear,... I don't give a damn!" - Rett Buttler

"When you have to shoot, shoot, don't talk." - Tuco (The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly)

"You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. But I do pretty well with a lot of bullsh*t." --me

"I'm sweating like a whore in church."---dunno where I heard it, but I use it all the time

Whenever someone interjects in a story I'm telling to someone else: "Yeah, thats what I thought, too, until I realized I wasnt talking to you."

An oldie but a goodie: "Thats what SHE said..."

"Rectum? Damn near KILLED 'EM!"---i know its a puchline, but if you just throw it in somewhere random, it gets em every time.

"When I want any crap from you, Ill squeeze your head."---or various versions...

"I'm sorry, did I look like I was listening?"---why do they always wanna talk to me when Im busy holding down this chair?

Then the movies:

"Never gamble with a SICILIAN when DEATH is on the line!!"
"Hello. My name is Enigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."
"Give us the gate key. I have no gate key. Fezig, rip his arms off. Oh, you mean THIS gate key."-----The Princess Bride

"Oh boys, lookie what I have here!... Hey, where the white women at?"
"The sherriff is a NI<DOOOOONNNNG>"
"We'd like to extend to you this laurel, and hearty handshake."
"Badges? We dont need no STINKIN' BADGES!!"---Blazing Saddles

"Time for a bit of the old Ultra Violence"---A Clockwork Orange

there are no sane people, on less insane people-me

someone=go ahead ..

someone else=
...."who ya callen goathead ?

lol those are great

Approach girl and say... Ive fallen for you like a blind roofer.

Ok is this real?

(insert picture of flamingo and fish photoshopped together)



Ok are you stupid?

knives can be used for food making too --- Me

"If my right leg was Christmas, and my left leg was New Year's, would you come up and see me between the holidays?"

"Don't watch porn! Use your imagination." - a writing on the wall

Why don't you stick your head in a bucket of water three times and pull it out twice.



Do you believe in life after death...........Shut the hell up, or you'll find out.




Don't follow me............I'm lost too.

Would you like a match?...........Yea sure...........My ass and your face.


GO AHEAD, MAKE MY DAY. - Dirty Harry (Clint Eastwood)


So many assholes, so few bullets.- Andrew Dice Clay.


Where theres a will......i want to be in it.


Any man smart enough to understand a woman, is smart enough to keep quiet about it.

"you look like s*it, is that the style now"

"do you know, i went through the bargain bin and i didnt see that one"

"what a pretty maternity dress........
you're not......
oh well......"

"what am i?
flypaper for freaks!!!"

"is that your face or are you trying out for an ugly sister?"

"is that a goatee or has a bird crapped on your chin?"

"his nose is so big he can smell the future"

"ive never seen anything as ugy as you without paying admission!"

"now do you see what happens when cousins marry?"

"when they made you they broke the mould........but some of it grew back!"

"as an outsider how do you view the human race?"





these are just a few i found in a book i have full or abusive things worse than this

"A hit with a .22 is better than a miss with a .44!" --- Gatofeo

"I may not thrill ya girl, but I'll tickle the hell outta ya!" --- Gatofeo

'You're only as old as the woman you feel!" --- Groucho Marx

"God and organized religion have about as much in common as racehorses and seahorses." --- Gatofeo

"The world is a stage, and its people merely players --- but some of us are in the wings goosing a stage girl." --- Gatofeo

"I want to grow up to be a rock star or a movie star. They have a plan for everything, unlike all those educated people who have studied the problem for years." --- Gatofeo

"Beware the one-gun man, for he knows how to use it." --- An old shooter's adage and very true.

"Champagne for my real friends and real pain for my sham friends!" --- Tom Waits, singer, songwriter and actor

"Si vis pacem, para bellum." Latin for, "If you want peace, prepare for war."

"Nix en der winkle, alles kaput!" --- Flemish for, "Nothing in the cupboard. Everything is gone (or over)." Often expressed in Belgium to mean, "And that's the end of that!"

"Gee, I hope you flush that mouth before you eat it with it." (Addressed to someone who releases a string of profanities for no reason) --- traditional

Punks not dead. It's just their smell...

"I've seen cr@p with more personality."

The only difference between Jesus and you is that you aint comin' back from the dead.

Dorothy Parker said "Men don't make passes at girls who wear glasses" to which my reply is "girls don't make passes at men with fat arses!"

" I heard on the news that if you give your teenager a hug everyday they become more confident, and they get better grades. So, when you see me hugging your teenage daughter, I'm just helping."- Drew Carey

Wow is that your date for the night, or did you loose a bet?

Are you talking to me, or chewing a brick!!?

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it!

"I just realized I Don't care" written on my shirt

"if all else fails, read the instructions", moto of one of my favorite websites

I don't care whether you live or die, I'm hardly going to care what you think.

I wish death on you.

I'm so drunk I'd even f... you.

If you had a brain, you'd be lonely.
never quite understood that one

You're like a particle, I know where you are in space, but who knows where you are in time?

You've posted how many times, or were you cocking a leg and pissing on them?

You're awful... but I like you (Dame Edna)

Are you talking to me ?


You with the face,.......forget about it


the best part of you ran down your mothers leg


i remember when i had my first beer


im not going bald, im gaining face


you can pick your friend but you cant pick your friends nose


is it safe ?

that guys nuts , grab him !


wheres the beef?

if i had a dog as ugly as you id shave its but and teach it to walk backwards

the more i know men the more i love my dog{ t-shirt logog}

there is no gravity , the earth sucks

beam me up scottie

for me to poop on