Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase,
"HEY MOE." Its roots go back to a concept
pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who
discovered that a patient could be made to
forget about the pain in his foot if he was
poked hard enough in the eyes.
Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it
be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing
your parents. Your insurer will provide you
with a book listing all the doctors in the
plan. These doctors basically fall into two
categories -- those who are no longer accepting
new patients, and those who will see you but
are no longer participating in the plan. But
don't worry; the remaining doctor who is still
in the plan and accepting new patients has an
office just a half-day's drive away, and a
diploma from a Third World country.
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-
certification?
A. No. Only those you need.
Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting
conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require
any treatment.
Q. What happens if I want to try alternative
forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of
payment.
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs,
but I need the name brand. I tried the Generic
medication, but it gave me a stomach ache.
What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that.
Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my
doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can
a general practitioner really perform a heart
transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all
you're risking is the $20 co-payment, there's
no harm in giving him a shot at it.
Q. Will health care be different in the next
century?
A. No. But if you call right now, you might get
an appointment by then.
