A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads "WARNING ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!

The farmer returns a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads, "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"

--------

There's this guy on a bar, just looking at his drink.

He stays like that for half-an-hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison . . ."

--------

A young chap strolled into his living room one afternoon with a chair under each arm and a settee on his head.

Shocked, his father asked, "Where in the hell did you get that?!"

"Off an old boy down the park," replied the boy.

Immediately, his father jumped up and walloped him in the mouth.

"What was that for?!" screamed the lad in pain.

"For Christ's sake!" shouted his father. "What have I told you about taking suites from strangers?!"

This time I think the 2nd one was the best!