i know weekly world news is fake, but since i hate bush i started cracking up at this
BUSH THRILLED TO BE READING AT 6TH GRADE LEVEL AND IT'S ABOUT TIME!
By DAVID TOLSEY
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- A White House spokesperson announced President Bush is reading successfully at the sixth grade level.
"The President is absolutely thrilled at his latest achievement," said Edward Thurut. "And he wants the American people to know just how far he's progressed the past year. He's been officially tested by the D.C. school board, and the results arrived at Pennsylvania Avenue earlier this morning. The President wishes to thank all those who believed in him, especially First Lady Laura, the lovely librarian who won his heart so many years ago."
While Bush supporters were celebrating the good news, several leading Democrats used the moment to paint an entirely different picture of George W. Bush.
Said DNC Deputy Chairman Clarence Slaughtery: "This man is the President of the U.S., and he's just now reading at a sixth grade level? What were the American people thinking reelecting him?
"You know, I'll even go so far as to suggest that Dick Cheney takes the reading tests for him. After all, this is the guy who runs the White House anyway."
While many educators across the U.S. have applauded the President's persistence in trying to improve his reading comprehension, there's a growing concern over his mathematical aptitude as well.
"It's clear the President's mathematical comprehension is also on par with a junior high school child," said Constance Souron, William and Terri University's Dean of Education. "That's ironic, considering it's our children who will be left dealing with this outlandish budget deficit he created."
post any weekly world news articles here plz!
Full Version: u got a favortie weekly world news?
HAITI SELLING OFF ZOMBIES
Undead work harder than the living, obey your every command, don't eat much - & MAKE GREAT NANNIES!
Psst . . . wanna buy a zombie? You can pick up some great deals on the undead from the Haitian government, which is trying to unload thousands of the walking corpses -- at less per head than you'd pay for a decent TV.
"Imagine having your very own slave who will mindlessly obey you, no matter what you order him or her to do," says a government spokesman.
"A zombie will work all day and all night if you want him to, everything from farm labor to house cleaning, and all you have to feed him is oat mush."
Haitian officials say they're turning to sales of the undead to relieve the critical over-supply of zombies, which is dragging down their failing economy even further. Haiti's upper- and middle- class population has shrunk to almost nothing, leaving hundreds of zombie servants unoccupied.
Meanwhile, voodoo priests continue to add to the zombie population, despite the glut of ghouls.
"The people are bitter and angry about their poverty, and they take it out on their neighbors by having them turned into zombies at the slightest provocation," says Haitian economist and social critic Alain Jean-David. "The surplus is running into the thousands -- I've seen estimates that it's as high as 12 percent of the population. The government is desperate to be rid of them before they start running amok."
Zombie prices start at a dirt-cheap $100, but for the next three months you can get an even deeper discount: Buy one, get one free.
Each zombie comes in its own packing crate with a certificate of authenticity enclosed. Instructions for care and feeding are included.
"The most important thing is to not give the zombie salt," says one expert. "It makes them totally uncontrollable, and they can become dangerous."
He also recommends keeping the zombie in a warm location at about 75 percent humidity, to approximate the climate it has grown used to in Haiti.
Low lighting is also recommended. "Zombies work best after twilight, under cover of darkness," he says, "although they can function adequately with filtered light. If you have a zombie housemaid, I'd suggest lowering the shades while she's at work. For gardeners or other outdoor laborers, be sure they are covered well with a hat and long sleeves and pants.
"No sunscreen, though -- unless you want their flesh melting off in your hands."
The government spokesman says zombies can be returned "no questions asked" within 30 days for a full refund, but zombie experts expect few returns.
"Zombies work extremely hard for little reward except a secure place to rest and their bowl of mush," says one. "Many zombies have been beloved family servants for generations, and have become almost like family."
That's how the Chevaliers feel about their zombie governess, Marie- Claire, whom they are turning over to the government for sale after more than 50 years' service.
"She raised me, she raised my children, and now she is raising my grandchildren," says Bertrand Chevalier, who has lost his family's plantation during Haiti's economic struggles. "We held on as long as we could, but we can hold on no longer. We are leaving our beloved country, and we hope that the government can find Marie- Claire a suitable position elsewhere.
"Our only hope is that her new master will care for her half as well as she has cared for us."
Undead work harder than the living, obey your every command, don't eat much - & MAKE GREAT NANNIES!
Psst . . . wanna buy a zombie? You can pick up some great deals on the undead from the Haitian government, which is trying to unload thousands of the walking corpses -- at less per head than you'd pay for a decent TV.
"Imagine having your very own slave who will mindlessly obey you, no matter what you order him or her to do," says a government spokesman.
"A zombie will work all day and all night if you want him to, everything from farm labor to house cleaning, and all you have to feed him is oat mush."
Haitian officials say they're turning to sales of the undead to relieve the critical over-supply of zombies, which is dragging down their failing economy even further. Haiti's upper- and middle- class population has shrunk to almost nothing, leaving hundreds of zombie servants unoccupied.
Meanwhile, voodoo priests continue to add to the zombie population, despite the glut of ghouls.
"The people are bitter and angry about their poverty, and they take it out on their neighbors by having them turned into zombies at the slightest provocation," says Haitian economist and social critic Alain Jean-David. "The surplus is running into the thousands -- I've seen estimates that it's as high as 12 percent of the population. The government is desperate to be rid of them before they start running amok."
Zombie prices start at a dirt-cheap $100, but for the next three months you can get an even deeper discount: Buy one, get one free.
Each zombie comes in its own packing crate with a certificate of authenticity enclosed. Instructions for care and feeding are included.
"The most important thing is to not give the zombie salt," says one expert. "It makes them totally uncontrollable, and they can become dangerous."
He also recommends keeping the zombie in a warm location at about 75 percent humidity, to approximate the climate it has grown used to in Haiti.
Low lighting is also recommended. "Zombies work best after twilight, under cover of darkness," he says, "although they can function adequately with filtered light. If you have a zombie housemaid, I'd suggest lowering the shades while she's at work. For gardeners or other outdoor laborers, be sure they are covered well with a hat and long sleeves and pants.
"No sunscreen, though -- unless you want their flesh melting off in your hands."
The government spokesman says zombies can be returned "no questions asked" within 30 days for a full refund, but zombie experts expect few returns.
"Zombies work extremely hard for little reward except a secure place to rest and their bowl of mush," says one. "Many zombies have been beloved family servants for generations, and have become almost like family."
That's how the Chevaliers feel about their zombie governess, Marie- Claire, whom they are turning over to the government for sale after more than 50 years' service.
"She raised me, she raised my children, and now she is raising my grandchildren," says Bertrand Chevalier, who has lost his family's plantation during Haiti's economic struggles. "We held on as long as we could, but we can hold on no longer. We are leaving our beloved country, and we hope that the government can find Marie- Claire a suitable position elsewhere.
"Our only hope is that her new master will care for her half as well as she has cared for us."
you think you know a guy. 
The Bat Boy articles always amuse me. My favroite one was when he went to war in the Mid East.
Weekly World News is just so ridiculously stupid, it's almost at a level of genius.
The toothpick woman always sketched me out pretty bad..........but Bat Boy is always a fan favourite.
The toothpick woman always sketched me out pretty bad..........but Bat Boy is always a fan favourite.
I used to love the Dear Dotti section, and always thought it was funny how the people who "sent in" their pictures...would always be in front of a plain back drop, like one you'd get at a photo studio...and one time they used the same picture for two different women
That's hilarious. I like the one last year: The world's oceans will be dried up by September!
I also like the one with the monster in the closet. Then they call the girl by "Girl", not by her name, not by "A girl whom does not want her name revealed", not by "Unknown Girl", but just "Girl"
QUOTE
Weekly World News is just so ridiculously stupid, it's almost at a level of genius.
I AGREE.
My favorite was from years ago, there was a sea turtle "raping" snorklers. I listened as Jimmy Buffett created a song about it. Buck-Butt the Turtle
I check the cover every week when I'm in Meyer. One of mine is the ANGEL SHOT BY DUCK HUNTERS!! one
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