Son : Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.

Mum : Well, you have done the right thing.

Son : But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

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This one New Yorker married himself a southern gal and brought her to the big city for the first time. When they first arrived he got them a hotel room and as they were laying in bed she looked over in the corner and saw a discarded condom, "Oh yuck!!" she proclaimed as she ponted it to her new husband
As he craned his neck to see what it was he looked at her and asked "What they don't use those things where you come from?"

"Yeah," she said "but we don't skin 'em!"

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Two men in a bar are discussing their wives, when one admitted he had killed his that very morning.
"Why did you do it?" asked the other.
"She kept complaining about my bike in the garage. She said I always left it untidy."
The second man said "You're kidding me right? You didn't really kill your wife?"
"I sure did," said the first, "Come home with me, and I'll show you".
With that the two of them left the bar and walked to his house and went to the garden. There was a fresh mound of dirt with a woman's ass sticking out the top.
"Why did you leave her ass sticking out like that?" asked the second man.
"Well, I needed somewhere to park my bike."

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85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms because she is concerned that her new, but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities, Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready for action.

They unite as one.

All goes well. Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris.

Again he is ready for more "action." Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents to more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25 year old ready for more "action."

Once again they enjoy each other. But, as Morris is set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris."

Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean, I was here already?"

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I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me. By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace.
The article read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started." Such simple advice. So, I looked around to see all the things I started and hadn't finished.

Today I finished one bottle of red wine, a bottle of Jack Daniel's, my Prozac, a box of chocolates and a half gallon of rocky road ice-cream.

You have no idea how good I feel......

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The children had all been photographed and the teacher was trying to persuade theme each to buy a copy of the group picture..."Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, There is Jennifer, she is a lawyer; or that is Michael, he is a Doctor." A small voice in the back of the third grade room ran out, "And there is the teacher, SHE IS DEAD!!!"

[QUOTE]Son : Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.

Mum : Well, you have done the right thing.

Son : But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

ROFL!

Those were all GREAT, DJ!

I DONT GET IT



Two men in a bar are discussing their wives, when one admitted he had killed his that very morning.
"Why did you do it?" asked the other.
"She kept complaining about my bike in the garage. She said I always left it untidy."
The second man said "You're kidding me right? You didn't really kill your wife?"
"I sure did," said the first, "Come home with me, and I'll show you".
With that the two of them left the bar and walked to his house and went to the garden. There was a fresh mound of dirt with a woman's ass sticking out the top.
"Why did you leave her ass sticking out like that?" asked the second man.
"Well, I needed somewhere to park my bike."


i dont get it

Nice ones DJ