this is not chapter 2 so... yeah, i just didnt like how i had written chapter two so i through in another part of it just to see what you think.


Chapter VII: Mirror

I woke with a bright light in my eyes and my arms immovable. My eyes were burning with the light shining into my eyes. A struggled to move my arms, but was unsuccessful.
“Where the hell am I? LET ME GO DAMNIT! LET ME GO!” I yelled out, but no one responded and no sounds were made.
I frantically tried to move, spinning my head trying to get the light out of my eyes. To no prevail I sat there breathing fast… my heart increasing speed dynamically. Fear overwhelmed me as cold steel touched the back of my neck. My eyes widen and I waited for the violent blast of noise and blacken my mind. My arms shook nervously until I stopped and closed my eyes about to accept my death. I feel the trigger being squeezed and-

I opened my eyes and yelled at the top of my lungs and pulled the nine-millimeter pistol and yanked back on the trigger. I stared, breathing roughly and my arm shaking. My eyes widen as I saw the light shine upon Wesley clutching her chest and her hand on my shoulder. She looked down and then looked back at me, her mouth open and blooding running down from her mouth and stomach. She began to fall backwards but I got up and ran to break her fall. I caught her just before she hit the ground and tried to think of a something to say.
“I am so sorry, so sorry…” I cried as tears rolled down my eyes, “DAMNIT! Someone help me! PLEASE GOD!”
I panicked, swaying my head to and fro; looking for something to remove the bullet with. I got up and ran out of the hall with the flashlight shining all over the walls as I sprinted down the halls. I broke into one room and look for something, anything. I saw a supply box and ran up to it I tried to unlatch the lock with no prevail. I took my pistol and shot at the latch breaking the seal and I immediately opened it panting. I moved my eyes frantically back and forth, looking for something, until a pair of tweezers caught my eye. I grabbed the tweezers and a rag that I thought might be useful and sprinted back toward the room. I turn left and with my mouth wide open I stared at the empty room.
“Where the hell are you!”
I sprinted out of the room and went to the room across the hall. I went in and saw a body on the floor. I ran to the body, shining the light on the dying woman. My hands were shaking trying to figure out what to do. I took the tweezers and moved the flashlight to face the blood drenched shirt.
“DAMNIT, I CAN’T SEE!” I yelled at the top of my lungs, and move her shirt to expose the wound. I took the tweezers and gently placed it into her stomach.
“You’re going to be all right! You’re going to be all right! Don’t die on me, just don’t die!”
A metal clicked against the tweezers and I frantically tried to get hold of it. Tears began to fall of my cheeks as I held the bullet in the palm of my hands; I began to smile as I ripped of my shirt to cover the wound. I pressed down hard onto the wound as she lied there in my arm. I smiled as the bleeding stopped and was about to open my mouth to say sorry. Her arm fell to the ground and I went to place it back on her chest. When I touched the arm the feeling of frost swelled up onto my arm and I could feel nothing but cold of the floor under me. I opened my eyes hoping, just hoping, that my mind was lying to me, just this once. The rag across her chest was now smeared with blood and her eye empty with the sign of death consuming her mind and all was dark. I closed her eyelids and gently placed her body onto the floor.
I got up and walked mindlessly through the corridors of the maze like bunker, searching for some reason to justify my current action, the action that’s just made me taking another life away from the world and into the hands of God or Satan. I limped as I walked with the weight of murder on my chest once more… watching me pull the trigger over and over in my mind. The pain surged through me… every time my finger pulled back… every time I heard the bullet exert itself through the barrel. Seeing the look on her face when the bullet went into her chest… seeing what is now a haunting image in my mind.
I continued to walk through the dark hallway smacking into the wall at every turn, but I couldn’t feel the pain, the thought crippled me as I just killed the only person who hadn’t tried to kill me, arrest me, or leave me for dead, no… I had to put a bullet in her chest… just for being alive.
My arms banged against the wall and stumbled into a room. I went numb as my head smacked itself into the floor and blood came down my head, but I didn’t feel it… I didn’t care either. I crawled to the wall and pulled myself up. I removed my pistol from my holster and put it to my head. I squeezed back the trigger just to get a click. The pistol’s safety was on and I immediately turned it off and put to my head once more. I began to ease back the trigger-

i do need critisicm or i might die

It’s kinda hard to comment on as we can’t follow the plot. You’ve definitely got a good imagination and there’s some really powerful imagery in there, but I think you need to work on your technical skills a bit. I’d recommend picking a tense and sticking to it, and it’s always worth running a spellcheck. Some of the words you’ve used don’t make sense in the context you’ve used them – for example ‘prevail’ and ‘dynamically’. It reads almost as if you’re putting them in there because you feel you should be using unusual words; don’t be afraid to use simple language. Good stories don’t need to show off linguistically, they speak for themselves.

I hope that helps!

okay, i do better then, and for the plot i shouldve added the last chapter

Cool – keep us updated!

Not bad, FearX - I missed this one. Quite a few run-on sentences but the core of the story is pretty good.

Get rid of the tweezer probe part and google how to make and apply a compress bandage to the chest, or how to seal an external lung wound to keep the lung from collapsing. That will improve it.