Hello everyone!!! it's me again! i came here and wanted to know if anyone knows some non-offencive religous jokes. Anyone who knows please tell me some

I'm pretty sure any joke about someone's religion is likely to offend them, or someone of that religion. I know a few, but no thanks, I don't want to get into a fight here

Some good ones right here. THey shouldn't be too offensive either.

Heh, those are quite funny Thanks for digging out the link.

WALKING across a bridge, I saw a man on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: “Stop. Don’t do it.”

“Why not?” he asked.

“Well, there’s so much to live for!”

“Like what?”

“Are you religious?”

He said: “Yes.”

I said: “Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?”

“Christian.”

“Me, too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?”

“Protestant.”

“Me, too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?”

“Baptist.”

“Me, too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Church of the Lord?”

“Baptist Church of God.”

“Me, too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or Reformed Baptist Church of God?”

“Reformed Baptist Church of God.”

“Me, too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?”

He said: “Reformation of 1915.”

I said: “Die, heretic scum,” and pushed him off.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v465/19suburban96/sin.jpg

Haha at both of the above

I actually laughed out load at the lemon one!

YAY I made that thread...and you like it...good good

wow lol what kind of religoues joke isnt offensive wait i got one. hey didnt your religous leader get crucified!!!! wait heres one for buddest people.. THE DALI LAMA IS SO FAT THAT WHEN HE BENT DOWN TO PREY HE COULDENT GET UP AFTER

I like all your threads! Unless you don't want me too, in which case, I take it back

This has probably been posted somewhere already, but I didn't find it...

A new Priest was giving his first mass, and was so nervous, he couldn’t sit still. Finally, he asked Father Murphy for advice. Fr. Murphy replied, “When I’m worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I take a wee bit o’whiskey - just to calm my nerves.”

So, next Sunday, the young Priest took Fr. Murphy’s advice. Before mass, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

A few SIPS of whiskey – not the whole bottle.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as ‘The Late J.C.’.
The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as ‘Senior, Junior and the Spook’.
David slew Goliath, he did not ‘kick the sh*t out of’ him.
When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say ‘he was stoned off his ass.’
We do not refer to the Holy Cross as ‘The Big T’!
When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper, he said, “Take this and eat it, for it is my body.” He did not say, “Eat me.”
The Blessed Virgin Mary is not referred to as “Mary with the cherry.”
The recommended grace before a meal is not, “Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yea God!”
Next Sunday, there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Patrick’s, not a Patrick-pulling contest at St. Taffy’s!

LOL you better or else

A punk, a rabbi, and a republican walk into a bar...
They seat themselves as far away from one another as possible...
The bartender asks the punk for his order, "One shot of whiskey"
The bartender smiles and says. "One shot of whiskey coming right up"
As the bartender walks back to the bar, the rabbi begins to chant a prayer...
The punk rolls his eyes and mutters under his breath. "Shut up old man"...
The bartender says "You can't speak to my customers that way"...
The punk downs his whiskey and says, "Sorry but the rabbi's a f*****' douche bag"...
The republican says to the bartender, "Get that asshole outta here!"...
The punk hears this and says, "I may be an asshole but at least I'm not a douche bag"...
The bartender turns to the republican and tells him "You're the asshole"...
Then the bartender and the punk beat the sh** out of the republican.
Then they kick the republican out of the bar...
The Rabbi then asks, why did you kick that man out of the bar?
The punk replies "cuz he's a republican you f*****' douche bag!"
The bartender slams a bottle to the bar and says...
"I told you that you must respect my customers."
The punk replies, "I do respect your customers."
"...I'm just saying the rabbi was a douchebag"
"Ok you're out of here" says the bartender as he kicks the punk.
The bartender apologizes to the rabbi and says...
"Let me get you a drink on the house. What'll you have?"
"The rabbi replies 'well, I'll have a vinegar and water'"

lol

For the readers of Douglas' Adams Work

I refuse to prove that I exist," says God, "for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing."
"But," says Man, "the Babel fish is a dead giveaway isn't it? It could not have evolved by chance. It proves that You exist, and so therefore, by Your own arguments, You don't. QED"
"Oh dear," says God, "I hadn't thought of that," and promptly vanishes in a puff of logic

two Jews walk into a bar, they buy it

lol not really that funny but best i could come up with on short notice, kind of stereotypical i know, but come on its not that bad

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping"


The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.

yo brotheren.. wut up wit' thee?

The pastor shocked the congregation when he announced that he was resigning from the church and moving to a drier climate. After the service, a very distraught lady came to the pastor with tears in her eyes, "Oh, Pastor Bob, we are going to miss you so much. We don't want you to leave!" The kind hearted pastor patted her hand and said "Now, now, Carolyn, don't carry on. The pastor who takes my place might be even better than me".

"Yeah", she said, with a tone of disappointment in her voice, "That's what they said the last time too . . . "

Jesus and Moses were out in the middle of a pond in a small row boat fishing when Moses said to Jesus "Lets see if we still have our special gift, you know, what made us famous".

Moses stood up in the boat and extended his arms causing the pond to part perfectly down the middle. He then retracted his arms and the pond reconnected perfectly.

Jesus quickly stood up and said "My turn"

He put one foot on the water then stepped out of the boat and swiftly sank to the bottom of the pond.

Moses helping Jesus back into the boat said "What happened?"

Jesus replied "I don't know, must be all those holes in my feet!!"

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?




A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Did you hear about bishop who hired a secetary who had worked for the goverment?

She immedediately changed his filing system to ''Sacred and Top Sacred.''

I HAVE ONE< BUT I THINK IT IS NOT FUNNY ENOUGH, OUR TEACH TOLD AS THIS ONE...


________
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯|
2nd floor |
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯|
________| first floor
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯|
________| basement

think of this illustration as:
2nd floor: heaven
1st floor: purgatory
basement: hell

>>there wer 3 people, the bishop, the priest, and the seminarian,
these three died at the same time
the seminarian was put to the first floor and was shocked to see the priest with him,
the seminarian said, "father, why are you here? aren't you supposed to be in heaven?"
the priest replied, "sshhhh!!! the bishop might here us from down the basement!"

A fisherman is sitting in the boat cleaning the blood off his oar and mutters: "Jesus or not, nobody will ever walk on the lake when I'm fishing!"

Sayings Of Biblical Mothers
* "Samson! Get your hand out of that lion. You don't know where it's been!"

* "David! I told you not to play in the house with that sling! Go practice your harp. We pay good money for those lessons!"

* "Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for supper!"

* "Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego! Leave those clothes outside, you smell like a dirty ol' furnace!"

* "Cain! Get off your brother! You're going to kill him some day!"

* "Noah! No, you can't keep them! I told you, don't bring home any more strays!"

* "Gideon! Have you been hiding in that wine press again? Look at your clothes!"

* "James and John! No more burping contests at the dinner table, please. People are going to call you the sons of thunder!"

* "Judas! Have you been in my purse again?"

* "Jesus! Do you think you were born in a barn?"



The Priest's Ass
A priest, who wanted to raise money for his church, was told there
was a fortune in horse racing, and so he decided to buy a horse and
enter it in some races. However, at the local auction, the going
price for horses was so steep that he decided to buy a donkey
instead. Although he had some doubts, the priest figured that he
might as well enter the animal in a race just to see how it would
do. To his surprise the donkey came in second.

The next day the headlines read: PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS

The priest was so pleased that he entered the animal in another
race, and this time it won.

The headline read: PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered
the priest not to enter the donkey in another race.

The new headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS

This was too much for the bishop, and he ordered the priest to get
rid of the animal. The priest gave the donkey to a nun in a nearby
convent.

The next day the headline read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He told the nun that she would have to dispose
of the donkey. After several days, the nun finally sold the beast
to a local farmer for $10.
The headline read: NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS

They buried the bishop the next day.



How Football Is Relative To Church
Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the closing hymn.

Draw Play - What many children do with the order of service during worship.

Half-time - The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave.

Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.

Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.

Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work.

Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.

Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations.

Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime".

Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.

End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.

Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.

Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.

Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.



Father?
St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"

"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."

"Sounds easy enough. OK."

So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man.

Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What was it you did for a living?"

The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.

"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."

Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"

"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."

Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"

The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"



The Eulogy
Fred was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent for his pastor.

As the pastor stood beside the bed, Fred’s frail condition grew worse, and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and piece of paper, and Fred used his last ounce of strength to scribble a note. Then he died.

The pastor thought it best not to look at the note just then, so he slipped it into his jacket pocket.

Several days later, at the funeral, the pastor delivered the eulogy. He realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he’d worn the day Fred died.

"You know," he said, "ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven’t read it, but knowing Fred, I’m sure there’s a word of inspiration there for us all."

He unfolded the note and read aloud, "You’re standing on my oxygen tube!"


The Good Deed Gone Bad
A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafing through the "Big Book" to see if the guy is worthy of entering.

Saint Peter goes through the book several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life, but you never did anything bad, either. If you can convince me of one REALLY good thing you think you did in your life, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time I was driving down the road and saw this group of really scary guys torturing a poor girl. I slowed down, stopped, got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out from my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang--a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his ear to his nose. As I approached him, the gang formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!' "

St. Peter was impressed and says, "Really? And when did this happen?"

"Oh, about ten minutes ago."

Priest, Rabbi, and A Minister
A priest, a rabbi and a minister were all in a boat out in the middle of a lake. The Minister says, "I am thirsty. I will go to shore and get something to drink."

So he gets out of the boat walks across the water to shore, gets a soda, walks back across the water, and gets back in the boat.

The minister says, "I am thirsty also. I will go to shore and get something to drink."

So he gets out of the boat walks across the water to shore, gets a soda, walks back across the water, and gets back in the boat.

The rabbi thinks to himself "pretty cool. I will try it." So he says, "I am thirsty also. I will go to shore and get something to drink."

He gets out of the boat and falls in the water and drowns.

Then the priest said to the minister, "Do you think we should have told him where the rocks were?"



The Substitute Organist
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, after the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner."

And that, is how the substitute became the regular organist!




Helping Hand
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"



The Marriage
On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter shows up, they asked him.

St. Peter says, "I don't know.This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited for an answer. . . for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all.

"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."

Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?