He knew what he was doing was dangerous, but the resistance cell needed this gasoline. He took off on his motorcycle and started to weave trough traffic on the highway. Then he saw them, two black SUVs were fallowing him and they were shortly joined by two black helicopters. He left the highway and started down a residential street. He saw a sign that said “School zone, slow down.” He knew this would mean trouble, but he couldn’t slow down. Then he saw them, a group of school kids crossing the street, he swerved to miss them. His motorcycle went of the road and threw him off, he hit a tree. He was hurt badly; he felt blood flowing from a gash in his side. He felt dizzy and his vision was blurred, but he knew he couldn’t stop now he had to keep going. He grabbed the 20 gallon tank of gasoline of the motorcycle and started to run. He saw the two black SUVs stop in front of him. A man came of from one of the SUVs and ran up to him with a knife in his hand. He dropped the gas tank and tried to ran, but the man was too fast and caught up to him, the man grabbed him and slit his throat. The two helicopters landed, one of them of the man’s body. A man jumped out of one of the helicopters and grabbed the tank of gasoline. He then got back in the helicopter. The two helicopters followed the SUVs onto the highway and the vehicles headed of towards the giant skyscraper in the center of the city.
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I know it's short, but tell me what you think.
Full Version: The black vehicles
clean up the typos, run on sentences, and gram. errors.
Then make it original.
Then make it original.
There’s no need to be mean.
I think the problem here is you’re trying to cram way too much stuff into a very short space. You’re thinking as if you’re writing a movie – a book isn’t the same. Things can’t happen as quickly on the page as they can on the screen; you have to take the time to set the scene and describe the surroundings. Try rewriting this as the whole chapter of a book. Describe what your protagonist is seeing and feeling more. Also, when you’re writing action sequences you need to be aware of repetition – look how many times you’ve used the word ‘man’ towards the end. Sometimes just ‘he’ will suffice, and don’t be afraid to use longer sentences.
I hope that helps!
I think the problem here is you’re trying to cram way too much stuff into a very short space. You’re thinking as if you’re writing a movie – a book isn’t the same. Things can’t happen as quickly on the page as they can on the screen; you have to take the time to set the scene and describe the surroundings. Try rewriting this as the whole chapter of a book. Describe what your protagonist is seeing and feeling more. Also, when you’re writing action sequences you need to be aware of repetition – look how many times you’ve used the word ‘man’ towards the end. Sometimes just ‘he’ will suffice, and don’t be afraid to use longer sentences.
I hope that helps!
I wasn't being mean. I was being honest, just bluntly so.
Well if someone replied that to my work I wouldn’t think they were genuinely trying to offer constructive criticism, would you?
I would never put something in the public eye which was so poorly written and with so many truly basic 'writing 101' flaws.
Thus, no comparison.
If the OP fixes those and brings it back for content constructive crit. then I will be more than happy to oblige. As it stands now, it is so jammed together and has so many flaws, I can barely understand where he is going with it. That and the absurd and complete use of pronouns makes the story nearly impossible to read as well; with any comprehension at least.
Once again, I'm not being mean, just honest.
Thus, no comparison.
If the OP fixes those and brings it back for content constructive crit. then I will be more than happy to oblige. As it stands now, it is so jammed together and has so many flaws, I can barely understand where he is going with it. That and the absurd and complete use of pronouns makes the story nearly impossible to read as well; with any comprehension at least.
Once again, I'm not being mean, just honest.
I just think you could have been a bit more specific and constructive in your criticism, that’s all. You might upset him so much he’ll never pick a pen up again! It’s a forum, not a professional writing class!
Then he shouldn't treat it as one.
I think we might have hijacked this thread slightly, so I’ll make this addition to the conversation my last.
When you ask for advice on an informal writing forum where the general standard is, in all fairness, pretty low, you expect friendly advice. You don’t expect people to criticise you on the level they would if you posted it on a professional writers’ board. Of course it’s not up to those standards, he just wanted some friendly advice on what is clearly a work in progress.
When you ask for advice on an informal writing forum where the general standard is, in all fairness, pretty low, you expect friendly advice. You don’t expect people to criticise you on the level they would if you posted it on a professional writers’ board. Of course it’s not up to those standards, he just wanted some friendly advice on what is clearly a work in progress.
I agree completely with Sthenno -- this could easily be a whole chapter and I think it HAS to be at least 4 times as long. It could be very exciting and has a lot of potential!
Try showing what is happening rather than telling about it. Also, engage the characters more. The guy on the motorcycle: what is he feeling? seeing? smelling? hearing?
An example: Don't say "he hit a tree."
Say something like: He slammed into the tree with a bone-jarring thud.
When critiquing other people's writing there is often a fine line between critique and criticism. Marty, I see where you are coming from, but I think most people don't want a real criticism when they are coming on a forum. And besides, you don't know how old the writer is.
Try showing what is happening rather than telling about it. Also, engage the characters more. The guy on the motorcycle: what is he feeling? seeing? smelling? hearing?
An example: Don't say "he hit a tree."
Say something like: He slammed into the tree with a bone-jarring thud.
When critiquing other people's writing there is often a fine line between critique and criticism. Marty, I see where you are coming from, but I think most people don't want a real criticism when they are coming on a forum. And besides, you don't know how old the writer is.
I don't know what's going on here. The writing is rushed and there is nothing to give it reference. Why do we care about the Resistance and why do they need gasoline? You don't have to come out and explain everything in the first few pages, you only need to hint at it. I agree with everyone else, it needs to be longer and there needs to be more background and reasoning behind this. Then there's a reason to keep reading your story. That's the job of the first paragraph, you need to give us a reason to keep reading.
And also, Marty, there's a good bit of distance between being honest and being an asshole.
And also, Marty, there's a good bit of distance between being honest and being an asshole.
Okay here's the re-written version
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He knew what he was doing was dangerous, but the resistance cell needed this gasoline. He took off on his motorcycle and started to weave trough traffic on the highway. Then he saw them, two black SUVs were fallowing him and they were shortly joined by two black helicopters. He left the highway and started down a residential street. He saw a sign that said “School zone, slow down.” He knew this would mean trouble, but he couldn’t slow down. Then he saw them, a group of school kids crossing the street, he swerved to miss them. His motorcycle went of the road and threw him off; he hit a tree with a sickening sound. He was hurt badly; he felt blood flowing from a gash in his side. He felt dizzy and his vision was blurred, but he knew he couldn’t stop now he had to keep going. He grabbed the 20 gallon tank of gasoline of the motorcycle and started to run. He saw the two black SUVs stop in front of him. A man came of from one of the SUVs and ran up to him with a knife in his hand. He dropped the gas tank and tried to ran, but the man was too fast and caught up to him, the man grabbed him, but he wasn't going to die without a fight. He took out a knife he had hidden in his pocket and stabbed the man. Just then he noticed the shocked expressions of the children that he swerved to avoid hitting them. He turned and started to head towards the school. He ran around the school and onto the field behind, where some of the children were playing a game of soccer. He raced past then towards a fence that separated the school grounds form A street full of homes. He climbed over the fence and jumped into the backyard of one of the houses. He ran onto the street and saw that there was a deep creek across from him. He had not choice the men were right behind him, he dived into the water. The current carried him down the creek until he came to a shallow point. he came out of the creek and saw that he was only 20 yards from where he dropped the tank of gasoline. He looked around and saw that he had lost the men. He grabbed the tank of gasoline and headed down the street, he knew that he was very close to the resistance safe-house. He started to feel faint. He reached over to feel the gash that he received when he hit the tree, it was still bleeding. He collapsed and hit the asphalt with a loud "thud". When he woke-up he was tied to a tree and standing in front of him was the most evil man in the world, the one who all resistance cell were fighting against: Ethan Eallard. He was standing with a large grin on his face and was wearing a business suit.
"You sure had a bad gash on your side, and you lost a lot of blood, my friend, but we fixed you up", said Ethan.
"Why did you give me more blood when you're just going to let it flow out again." he said.
"to ask you a few questions" said Ethan.
"I won't tell you anything" he replied.
"even if it means you can live?" Ethan asked.
"I rather die than tell you anything, you madman" he said.
"Madman?", said Ethan sounding offended, "I am not a madman! I have saved the world!"
"you saved the world by making your self ruler of it", he said.
"So what?!", said Ethan, "The governments of the world weren’t doing anything to save the Rainforests and the coral reefs of the world."
"But 3 billion people died in the war!" he replied.
"That wasn't my fault!", exclaimed Ethan, "the foolish governments of the world launched those warheads as an attempt to stop me, but that was futile. They just made me more determined to win this war. those warheads polluted the land so much that if you were to step outside this domed city without any protection, you would be dead in minutes"
"Just kill me now" he responded.
"with pleasure" said Ethan as he took a knife of his pocket.
Ethan walked up to him with his grin even bigger he took one swing and slit his neck.
"Send his body to the Amazon and feed him to the piranhas", Ethan said to one of the men who came of one of the black SUVs.
The man nodded. Ethan grabbed the tank of gasoline. and got into one of the black helicopters. The helicopters followed the SUVs onto the highways and the black vehicles headed toward the giant skyscraper in the center of the city.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He knew what he was doing was dangerous, but the resistance cell needed this gasoline. He took off on his motorcycle and started to weave trough traffic on the highway. Then he saw them, two black SUVs were fallowing him and they were shortly joined by two black helicopters. He left the highway and started down a residential street. He saw a sign that said “School zone, slow down.” He knew this would mean trouble, but he couldn’t slow down. Then he saw them, a group of school kids crossing the street, he swerved to miss them. His motorcycle went of the road and threw him off; he hit a tree with a sickening sound. He was hurt badly; he felt blood flowing from a gash in his side. He felt dizzy and his vision was blurred, but he knew he couldn’t stop now he had to keep going. He grabbed the 20 gallon tank of gasoline of the motorcycle and started to run. He saw the two black SUVs stop in front of him. A man came of from one of the SUVs and ran up to him with a knife in his hand. He dropped the gas tank and tried to ran, but the man was too fast and caught up to him, the man grabbed him, but he wasn't going to die without a fight. He took out a knife he had hidden in his pocket and stabbed the man. Just then he noticed the shocked expressions of the children that he swerved to avoid hitting them. He turned and started to head towards the school. He ran around the school and onto the field behind, where some of the children were playing a game of soccer. He raced past then towards a fence that separated the school grounds form A street full of homes. He climbed over the fence and jumped into the backyard of one of the houses. He ran onto the street and saw that there was a deep creek across from him. He had not choice the men were right behind him, he dived into the water. The current carried him down the creek until he came to a shallow point. he came out of the creek and saw that he was only 20 yards from where he dropped the tank of gasoline. He looked around and saw that he had lost the men. He grabbed the tank of gasoline and headed down the street, he knew that he was very close to the resistance safe-house. He started to feel faint. He reached over to feel the gash that he received when he hit the tree, it was still bleeding. He collapsed and hit the asphalt with a loud "thud". When he woke-up he was tied to a tree and standing in front of him was the most evil man in the world, the one who all resistance cell were fighting against: Ethan Eallard. He was standing with a large grin on his face and was wearing a business suit.
"You sure had a bad gash on your side, and you lost a lot of blood, my friend, but we fixed you up", said Ethan.
"Why did you give me more blood when you're just going to let it flow out again." he said.
"to ask you a few questions" said Ethan.
"I won't tell you anything" he replied.
"even if it means you can live?" Ethan asked.
"I rather die than tell you anything, you madman" he said.
"Madman?", said Ethan sounding offended, "I am not a madman! I have saved the world!"
"you saved the world by making your self ruler of it", he said.
"So what?!", said Ethan, "The governments of the world weren’t doing anything to save the Rainforests and the coral reefs of the world."
"But 3 billion people died in the war!" he replied.
"That wasn't my fault!", exclaimed Ethan, "the foolish governments of the world launched those warheads as an attempt to stop me, but that was futile. They just made me more determined to win this war. those warheads polluted the land so much that if you were to step outside this domed city without any protection, you would be dead in minutes"
"Just kill me now" he responded.
"with pleasure" said Ethan as he took a knife of his pocket.
Ethan walked up to him with his grin even bigger he took one swing and slit his neck.
"Send his body to the Amazon and feed him to the piranhas", Ethan said to one of the men who came of one of the black SUVs.
The man nodded. Ethan grabbed the tank of gasoline. and got into one of the black helicopters. The helicopters followed the SUVs onto the highways and the black vehicles headed toward the giant skyscraper in the center of the city.
I don’t know if you’ve really taken into account what we’ve said. You’ve just sort of added more action onto the end, but all the comments we’ve made are still present in the first paragraph. Try taking the first, say nine lines, and making them at least as long as the piece you’ve just written. You’ve got well over a whole chapter’s worth of action here now, and you’re still cramming it into a page. Take some time over it. Describe the landscape he is seeing, what he is hearing. It also might be better to only vaguely allude to his having something others need, instead of jumping straight in with phrases like the ‘resistance’. You’re alienating your reader by kicking off with terminology they don’t understand. It’s fine to start a story halfway through action if you want to, but play down the specifics else you’ll just leave people confused.
Here's a new re-write
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He knew what he was doing was dangerous, but the resistance cell needed this gasoline, the liquid that was the hardest in the world to obtain. He had taken it from a water fountain that was labeled "out of order” in the private park that surrounded the EPA's headquarters, he thought it was a sneaking way to allow access to gasoline to the researchers without anybody knowing that it was there. He took off on his motorcycle and got onto the highway, he started to weave trough traffic on the highway, he knew that he needed to get to the resistance safe house quickly. Then he saw them, two black SUVs were fallowing him and they were shortly joined by two black helicopters.
"Damn!", he said, "how did then find me so fast?"
He stepped on the fast and his speed increased to 120 mph. He knew that if hit a car at these speeds he would die instantly. He saw that the vehicles couldn't keep up with him. He felt relived, but that feeling didn't last so long as he has two different helicopters and SUVs started to follow him.
"Those must be the knew fusion powered cars", he thought
The head of the EPA had ordered that the old fission powered cars were polluting the earth to much. The fission powered cars had been released after the head of the EPA had banned gasoline powered cars ten years ago, because he also said that they were polluting the earth to much. He knew that this was why the resistance cell needed the gasoline, because they had more power than the fission powered cars, so they could escape from the EPA. He shivered he knew how ruthless the head of the EPA was, if anybody was found violating the strict emission standards, they would be arrested or killed. He saw that the black vehicles were still following him, he left the highway and started down a residential street. He saw a sign that said “School zone, slow down.” He knew this would mean trouble, but he couldn’t slow down. Then he saw them, a group of school kids crossing the street, he swerved to miss them. His motorcycle went of the road and threw him off; he hit a tree with a sickening sound. He was hurt badly; he felt blood flowing from a gash in his side. He felt dizzy, he felt like he had a broken wrist and his vision was blurred, but he knew he couldn’t stop now he had to keep going. He grabbed the 20 gallon tank of gasoline off the motorcycle and started to run. The tank of gas was so heavy that he felt like he couldn't carry it the rest of the way to the resistance safe-house. He saw the two black SUVs stop in front of him. A man came of from one of the SUVs and ran up to him with a knife in his hand. He dropped the gas tank and tried to ran, but the man was too fast and caught up to him, the man grabbed him, but he wasn't going to die without a fight. He took out a knife he had hidden in his pocket and stabbed the man, he saw the blood flow out of a deep wound in the man's stomach and he saw the shocked expressions of the children that he swerved to avoid hitting them. He turned and started to head towards the school. He ran around the school and onto the field behind, where some of the children were playing a game of soccer. He tripped over the ball he felt pain race from his wrist up his arm. He felt like he couldn't get up, but he had too matter how much pain there was. He raced past then towards a fence that separated the school grounds form A Street full of homes. He climbed over the fence and jumped into the backyard of one of the houses. Luckily there wasn't a fence separating the backyard from the font yard. He ran onto the street and saw that there was a deep creek across from him. He had not choice, the men were right behind him, he dived into the water. The cool water felt nice and relaxing. The current carried him down the creek until he came to a shallow point. He came out of the creek and saw that he was only 20 yards from where he dropped the tank of gasoline. He looked around and saw that he had lost the men. He grabbed the tank of gasoline and tried to start the motorcycle
"No surprise there", he thought.
He knew that the resistance would have his head for breaking the motorcycle, if the men didn't get to him first. He started to run down the street, he knew that he was very close to the resistance safe-house. He started to feel faint. He reached over to feel the gash that he received when he hit the tree, it was still bleeding. He saw black spots and he collapsed as his vision went dark and hit the asphalt with a loud "thud". When he woke-up he was tied to a tree and standing in front of him was the most evil man in the world, the head of the EPA, the one who all resistance cell were fighting against and the ruler of the world: Ethan Eallard. He was standing with a large grin on his face and was wearing a business suit that had a large stain on it that looked like blood.
"You sure had a bad gash on your side, had a broken wrist and you lost a lot of blood, my friend, but we fixed you up", said Ethan.
"Why did you give me more blood when you're just going to let it flow out again." he said.
"To ask you a few questions" said Ethan.
"I won't tell you anything" he replied.
"Even if it means you can live?" Ethan asked.
"I rather die than tell you anything, you madman" he said.
"Madman?", said Ethan sounding offended, "I am not a madman! I have saved the world!"
"You saved the world by making your self ruler of it", he said.
"So what?!", said Ethan, "The governments of the world weren’t doing anything to save the Rainforests and the coral reefs of the world."
"But 3 billion people died in the war!" he replied.
"That wasn't my fault!", exclaimed Ethan, "the foolish governments of the world launched those nuclear warheads as an attempt to stop me they even made a 100 megaton bomb the biggest ever, bigger than the Tsar Bomba, but even that was futile. They just made me more determined to win this war. Those warheads polluted the land so much that if you were to step outside this domed city without any protection, you would be dead in minutes"
"What about the poor people in the world?" he yelled.
"What about them?", said Ethan, "I have given them food, water and shelter"
"You call those green crackers food?!", he yelled, "I have tasted them and they taste horrible!"
"Well would you rather eat those nutrient rich crackers and live, or have low nutrient great tasting food and die from mal-nutrition, a horrible death, as I am told"
"Just kill me now" he responded.
"With pleasure" said Ethan as he took a knife of his pocket.
Ethan walked up to him with his grin even bigger he took one swing and slit his throat.
He felt warm blood flow from the huge gash in his neck. Some of it flowed on to Ethan's shoes. He started to see black stops in his vision, darkness overcame him and he blacked out. Within 10 seconds he was dead.
"Send his body to the Amazon and feed him to the piranhas", Ethan said to one of the men who came of one of the black SUVs as he wiped the blood of his shoes.
The man nodded. Ethan grabbed the tank of gasoline. And got into one of the black helicopters. The helicopters followed the SUVs onto the highways and the black vehicles headed toward the giant skyscraper in the center of the city.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He knew what he was doing was dangerous, but the resistance cell needed this gasoline, the liquid that was the hardest in the world to obtain. He had taken it from a water fountain that was labeled "out of order” in the private park that surrounded the EPA's headquarters, he thought it was a sneaking way to allow access to gasoline to the researchers without anybody knowing that it was there. He took off on his motorcycle and got onto the highway, he started to weave trough traffic on the highway, he knew that he needed to get to the resistance safe house quickly. Then he saw them, two black SUVs were fallowing him and they were shortly joined by two black helicopters.
"Damn!", he said, "how did then find me so fast?"
He stepped on the fast and his speed increased to 120 mph. He knew that if hit a car at these speeds he would die instantly. He saw that the vehicles couldn't keep up with him. He felt relived, but that feeling didn't last so long as he has two different helicopters and SUVs started to follow him.
"Those must be the knew fusion powered cars", he thought
The head of the EPA had ordered that the old fission powered cars were polluting the earth to much. The fission powered cars had been released after the head of the EPA had banned gasoline powered cars ten years ago, because he also said that they were polluting the earth to much. He knew that this was why the resistance cell needed the gasoline, because they had more power than the fission powered cars, so they could escape from the EPA. He shivered he knew how ruthless the head of the EPA was, if anybody was found violating the strict emission standards, they would be arrested or killed. He saw that the black vehicles were still following him, he left the highway and started down a residential street. He saw a sign that said “School zone, slow down.” He knew this would mean trouble, but he couldn’t slow down. Then he saw them, a group of school kids crossing the street, he swerved to miss them. His motorcycle went of the road and threw him off; he hit a tree with a sickening sound. He was hurt badly; he felt blood flowing from a gash in his side. He felt dizzy, he felt like he had a broken wrist and his vision was blurred, but he knew he couldn’t stop now he had to keep going. He grabbed the 20 gallon tank of gasoline off the motorcycle and started to run. The tank of gas was so heavy that he felt like he couldn't carry it the rest of the way to the resistance safe-house. He saw the two black SUVs stop in front of him. A man came of from one of the SUVs and ran up to him with a knife in his hand. He dropped the gas tank and tried to ran, but the man was too fast and caught up to him, the man grabbed him, but he wasn't going to die without a fight. He took out a knife he had hidden in his pocket and stabbed the man, he saw the blood flow out of a deep wound in the man's stomach and he saw the shocked expressions of the children that he swerved to avoid hitting them. He turned and started to head towards the school. He ran around the school and onto the field behind, where some of the children were playing a game of soccer. He tripped over the ball he felt pain race from his wrist up his arm. He felt like he couldn't get up, but he had too matter how much pain there was. He raced past then towards a fence that separated the school grounds form A Street full of homes. He climbed over the fence and jumped into the backyard of one of the houses. Luckily there wasn't a fence separating the backyard from the font yard. He ran onto the street and saw that there was a deep creek across from him. He had not choice, the men were right behind him, he dived into the water. The cool water felt nice and relaxing. The current carried him down the creek until he came to a shallow point. He came out of the creek and saw that he was only 20 yards from where he dropped the tank of gasoline. He looked around and saw that he had lost the men. He grabbed the tank of gasoline and tried to start the motorcycle
"No surprise there", he thought.
He knew that the resistance would have his head for breaking the motorcycle, if the men didn't get to him first. He started to run down the street, he knew that he was very close to the resistance safe-house. He started to feel faint. He reached over to feel the gash that he received when he hit the tree, it was still bleeding. He saw black spots and he collapsed as his vision went dark and hit the asphalt with a loud "thud". When he woke-up he was tied to a tree and standing in front of him was the most evil man in the world, the head of the EPA, the one who all resistance cell were fighting against and the ruler of the world: Ethan Eallard. He was standing with a large grin on his face and was wearing a business suit that had a large stain on it that looked like blood.
"You sure had a bad gash on your side, had a broken wrist and you lost a lot of blood, my friend, but we fixed you up", said Ethan.
"Why did you give me more blood when you're just going to let it flow out again." he said.
"To ask you a few questions" said Ethan.
"I won't tell you anything" he replied.
"Even if it means you can live?" Ethan asked.
"I rather die than tell you anything, you madman" he said.
"Madman?", said Ethan sounding offended, "I am not a madman! I have saved the world!"
"You saved the world by making your self ruler of it", he said.
"So what?!", said Ethan, "The governments of the world weren’t doing anything to save the Rainforests and the coral reefs of the world."
"But 3 billion people died in the war!" he replied.
"That wasn't my fault!", exclaimed Ethan, "the foolish governments of the world launched those nuclear warheads as an attempt to stop me they even made a 100 megaton bomb the biggest ever, bigger than the Tsar Bomba, but even that was futile. They just made me more determined to win this war. Those warheads polluted the land so much that if you were to step outside this domed city without any protection, you would be dead in minutes"
"What about the poor people in the world?" he yelled.
"What about them?", said Ethan, "I have given them food, water and shelter"
"You call those green crackers food?!", he yelled, "I have tasted them and they taste horrible!"
"Well would you rather eat those nutrient rich crackers and live, or have low nutrient great tasting food and die from mal-nutrition, a horrible death, as I am told"
"Just kill me now" he responded.
"With pleasure" said Ethan as he took a knife of his pocket.
Ethan walked up to him with his grin even bigger he took one swing and slit his throat.
He felt warm blood flow from the huge gash in his neck. Some of it flowed on to Ethan's shoes. He started to see black stops in his vision, darkness overcame him and he blacked out. Within 10 seconds he was dead.
"Send his body to the Amazon and feed him to the piranhas", Ethan said to one of the men who came of one of the black SUVs as he wiped the blood of his shoes.
The man nodded. Ethan grabbed the tank of gasoline. And got into one of the black helicopters. The helicopters followed the SUVs onto the highways and the black vehicles headed toward the giant skyscraper in the center of the city.
QUOTE(Sthenno @ Sep 7 2006, 08:46 AM) [snapback]1339807[/snapback]
I don’t know if you’ve really taken into account what we’ve said. You’ve just sort of added more action onto the end, but all the comments we’ve made are still present in the first paragraph. Try taking the first, say nine lines, and making them at least as long as the piece you’ve just written. You’ve got well over a whole chapter’s worth of action here now, and you’re still cramming it into a page. Take some time over it. Describe the landscape he is seeing, what he is hearing. It also might be better to only vaguely allude to his having something others need, instead of jumping straight in with phrases like the ‘resistance’. You’re alienating your reader by kicking off with terminology they don’t understand. It’s fine to start a story halfway through action if you want to, but play down the specifics else you’ll just leave people confused.
I applaud your efforts to clarify the difference between writing a story and what appears to be a script-scene for a movie in this thread. The problem here is lack of solid description - the writer can see the scene in his mind's eye but because he isn't familiar with the 'rules' of writing a story, he's not getting a lot of those ideas across to the reader. This really isn't the forum for receiving a breakdown on what exactly he's doing wrong, and unfortunately there aren't a lot of 'free' writing critique forums left out there anymore where he can get a blow-by-blow critique illustrating how he can fix his story. I can name a couple, but some of the really good ones that might actually help him only let members in on submission basis and the piece here isn't coherent enough for admission. Short of rewriting it for him to show him what he needs to do, I can't see any way to teach him how to write it without him attending a creative writing class. Barnes & Noble offers free online writing classes (at least it was free 2 years ago when I took one on self-editing), and that might be a place to start.
????
Jillian
Snce you've done so many re-writes already on this, you obviously are willing to receive constructive criticism in order to learn how to get your story across to the reader. What I'm going to do here is a point-by-point critique much as I would do in of the many writer's critique forum I once belonged to. I don't normally do this unless the writer REALLY wants to learn, so hopefully you'll take the points I'm going to make as 'helpful tips' and not anything meant to be 'mean' - because it's only to help you, nothing more. I'll go through your story and my remarks will appear in RED.
Here goes....
Here's a new re-write
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He knew what he was doing was dangerous, but the resistance cell needed this gasoline, the liquid that was the hardest in the world to obtain.
First off, you need to identify your character. Who is 'He?' Give him a name and a little snapshot of description. What is he wearing? What do his surroundings look like? Who or what is the Resistance and what are they resisting against? As you can see, your reader needs to know why your character needs the gasoline to help the resisitance by knowing right away what he's fighting for, He has a goal, which is good, but we need to know the reasons behind the goal, in other words - Backstory. Why is taking the gasoline dangerous? Wat could happen to him if he's caught stealing the gas?
He had taken it from a water fountain that was labeled "out of order” in the private park that surrounded the EPA's headquarters, he thought it was a sneaking way to allow access to gasoline to the researchers without anybody knowing that it was there. He took off on his motorcycle and got onto the highway, he started to weave trough traffic on the highway, he knew that he needed to get to the resistance safe house quickly. Then he saw them, two black SUVs were fallowing him and they were shortly joined by two black helicopters.
Here, you have described him taking the gasoline from a water fountain, and this confuses the reader. How is gasoline dispensed from a water fountain? Did a contact place a can of gas there for him to pick up? Who was the contact? You need to clarify this or else it confuses the reader. Is the EPA the one your resistance movement is fighting? Again, we need to know the WHY behind your story. Then, you describe that two SUVs and a couple of helicopters appeared out of nowhere to chase him. Simply saying that they appeared is just 'telling' us they were there, not 'showing' us the helicopters & SUVs. Don't be discouraged, this is a common thing that happens to new writers - we all have to learn how to 'show' the reader what we want them to see. Describe where the SUVs/helicopters came from, what they looked like, the sounds they make. Do other people on the street notice them as well? For instance, I'll describe the scene as they are seen from your character's 'Point of View' (or POV):
He strapped the can of gas to the back of his motorcycle, securing it with a pair of bungee cords. The smell of the stuff rose up and despite the harsh bite of it, he found that he actually liked the scent. A quick glance around the area told him that no one had ventured into the park; the wide expanse of green grass remained silent and the touch of fog hung undisturbed in the air. He climbed onto the bike and gunned the motor, breaking the silence. A roar of something much louder suddenly overpowered the steady hum of the Honda CBR 929's engine and he looked up. Over the top of the row of skyscrapers that ringed the park, two helicopters appeared.
The sleek, black whirlybirds honed in on him immediately, turning and coming in low above the trees. Their spotlights flicked on, looking like thick laser beams cutting through the fog. He took off, his bike screaming past the EPA building and toward the alley from which he'd come, only to slide to an abrupt stop when he spotted two black 2025 Ford Expeditions blocking the alleyway. he whistled in appreciation. These were the new fusion-powered kind, fresh off the assembly line. The government spared no expense when it came to squashing the Resistance.
"Son of B__ch," he muttered. "How did they show up so fast?" Even though the SUVs' windows were tinted, he knew who had to be inside, waiting for him, (Name of villain character here). How had they found out about the drop? X______ and Y______, the Resistance commanders, thought they had been so careful when they'd set everything up. Like the can strapped to his bike, there must have been a tiny leak somewhere in the organization. Once he figured his way out of this ambush, he'd find the culprit and make them pay. The SUVs started forward, side by side, blocking any possible escape. He backed his bike up, revved the motor and headed for the last possible route out of the EPA center park: a flying jump into the concrete canyon known as the Los Angeles River.
***Note - I only used 'Los Angeles River' to give your setting a reference. Your story needs to have some landmarks in the city where it's taking place, to give the reader an idea they can relate to so they know where your character is.
"Damn!", he said, "how did then find me so fast?"
He stepped on the fast and his speed increased to 120 mph. He knew that if hit a car at these speeds he would die instantly. He saw that the vehicles couldn't keep up with him. He felt relived, but that feeling didn't last so long as he has two different helicopters and SUVs started to follow him.
*see how I worked this info into the paragraph above.
Much of what I'm trying to show you is in the paragraph above. You need small details sprinkled here and there to orient the reader to the SETTING, which is WHERE your character is. Also, describe the resistance movement as you go, not in one big block, but drop little hints here and there.
Main thing: 'Show' rather than 'Tell' your story. Look up on Google 'Showing VS Telling' and you'll find lots of helpful information that will illustrate this better than I can. You have a good story, now all you need to do is make it come alive for the reader by putting them in your character's shoes.
Best wishes & happy writing,
Jillian
Here goes....
QUOTE(pyrokinetic_1 @ Sep 8 2006, 02:40 AM) [snapback]1341053[/snapback]
Here's a new re-write
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He knew what he was doing was dangerous, but the resistance cell needed this gasoline, the liquid that was the hardest in the world to obtain.
First off, you need to identify your character. Who is 'He?' Give him a name and a little snapshot of description. What is he wearing? What do his surroundings look like? Who or what is the Resistance and what are they resisting against? As you can see, your reader needs to know why your character needs the gasoline to help the resisitance by knowing right away what he's fighting for, He has a goal, which is good, but we need to know the reasons behind the goal, in other words - Backstory. Why is taking the gasoline dangerous? Wat could happen to him if he's caught stealing the gas?
He had taken it from a water fountain that was labeled "out of order” in the private park that surrounded the EPA's headquarters, he thought it was a sneaking way to allow access to gasoline to the researchers without anybody knowing that it was there. He took off on his motorcycle and got onto the highway, he started to weave trough traffic on the highway, he knew that he needed to get to the resistance safe house quickly. Then he saw them, two black SUVs were fallowing him and they were shortly joined by two black helicopters.
Here, you have described him taking the gasoline from a water fountain, and this confuses the reader. How is gasoline dispensed from a water fountain? Did a contact place a can of gas there for him to pick up? Who was the contact? You need to clarify this or else it confuses the reader. Is the EPA the one your resistance movement is fighting? Again, we need to know the WHY behind your story. Then, you describe that two SUVs and a couple of helicopters appeared out of nowhere to chase him. Simply saying that they appeared is just 'telling' us they were there, not 'showing' us the helicopters & SUVs. Don't be discouraged, this is a common thing that happens to new writers - we all have to learn how to 'show' the reader what we want them to see. Describe where the SUVs/helicopters came from, what they looked like, the sounds they make. Do other people on the street notice them as well? For instance, I'll describe the scene as they are seen from your character's 'Point of View' (or POV):
He strapped the can of gas to the back of his motorcycle, securing it with a pair of bungee cords. The smell of the stuff rose up and despite the harsh bite of it, he found that he actually liked the scent. A quick glance around the area told him that no one had ventured into the park; the wide expanse of green grass remained silent and the touch of fog hung undisturbed in the air. He climbed onto the bike and gunned the motor, breaking the silence. A roar of something much louder suddenly overpowered the steady hum of the Honda CBR 929's engine and he looked up. Over the top of the row of skyscrapers that ringed the park, two helicopters appeared.
The sleek, black whirlybirds honed in on him immediately, turning and coming in low above the trees. Their spotlights flicked on, looking like thick laser beams cutting through the fog. He took off, his bike screaming past the EPA building and toward the alley from which he'd come, only to slide to an abrupt stop when he spotted two black 2025 Ford Expeditions blocking the alleyway. he whistled in appreciation. These were the new fusion-powered kind, fresh off the assembly line. The government spared no expense when it came to squashing the Resistance.
"Son of B__ch," he muttered. "How did they show up so fast?" Even though the SUVs' windows were tinted, he knew who had to be inside, waiting for him, (Name of villain character here). How had they found out about the drop? X______ and Y______, the Resistance commanders, thought they had been so careful when they'd set everything up. Like the can strapped to his bike, there must have been a tiny leak somewhere in the organization. Once he figured his way out of this ambush, he'd find the culprit and make them pay. The SUVs started forward, side by side, blocking any possible escape. He backed his bike up, revved the motor and headed for the last possible route out of the EPA center park: a flying jump into the concrete canyon known as the Los Angeles River.
***Note - I only used 'Los Angeles River' to give your setting a reference. Your story needs to have some landmarks in the city where it's taking place, to give the reader an idea they can relate to so they know where your character is.
"Damn!", he said, "how did then find me so fast?"
He stepped on the fast and his speed increased to 120 mph. He knew that if hit a car at these speeds he would die instantly. He saw that the vehicles couldn't keep up with him. He felt relived, but that feeling didn't last so long as he has two different helicopters and SUVs started to follow him.
*see how I worked this info into the paragraph above.
Much of what I'm trying to show you is in the paragraph above. You need small details sprinkled here and there to orient the reader to the SETTING, which is WHERE your character is. Also, describe the resistance movement as you go, not in one big block, but drop little hints here and there.
Main thing: 'Show' rather than 'Tell' your story. Look up on Google 'Showing VS Telling' and you'll find lots of helpful information that will illustrate this better than I can. You have a good story, now all you need to do is make it come alive for the reader by putting them in your character's shoes.
Best wishes & happy writing,
Jillian
I totally agree with Maelstrom. I’d also like to add another little exercise I was taught which is a little cheesy but which I’ve always found helpful. Sit down and write a list of 20 questions that you might ask someone in order to get to know them better, e.g. Where did they grow up? Are they an only child? What sort of music do they listen to? Then go back through and answer all of these questions for your character. It doesn’t matter if you never use this information in your story, but it will help your character seem more three dimensional to you. And once you know your character better, it will be easier for you to portray him in a convincing way.
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