[This is a poem about a young man who has been turned into a vampire, but who has rejected his nocturnal ways, and kills himself before the other vampires capture him.]

Release of my Soul

I look within myself
What do I see
A devil trapped in a mortal's shell
Alone I stand watcher of the sea

Loud and thunderous the waves of water sweep
Across miles and miles of chaotic sea
Upon which the charred bodies lie in heaps
Oh that I surely see

Looking back from whence I came
I spot the foul creatures they draw ever closer
For death is their only pleasure their only game
And so I take a step forward

None shall reach me I swore to myself
And true enough I fell
Off the cliff and down and down
Til the difference between light and dark I couldn't tell

Oh and how my lungs struggle
For just one final breath
But stopped have I my violent thrashings
Cause this I know would be my death

So I welcomed the moment of release
And felt the final sting of pain
For that which has haunted me is now gone
Oh and that is definitely my greatest gain

With poetry, there’s no need to explain what your piece is about, at least not so explicitly. Part of poetry’s appeal is its mystique. Other than that, I think it’s got quite a lot of potential.

It does jar a little when you use archaic phrasing such as “alone I stand” and “that I […] see” then go into modern structure, e.g. “I take a step” and “I fell off the cliff”. Maybe pick one and stick to it? I’d personally always recommend modern phrasing, as it’s very hard to write in archaic language and pull it off.

Hope that helps!

Good advice

lol i expected more than that. comments pls!

This may sound odd,only my beliefs of course.If the poetry is real the feeling will come accross. I loved your poem.

Ashiene,

The theme of your poem reminds me of a ballad written by Bjork. Content-wise it has potential, as Sthenno said.

I'm not an accomplished poet, so I don't want to cut your work to shreds. However, the meter is unorthodox among rhyming poems, which normally follow a stricter pattern. For example, the 10-8-10-12 meter in your final stanza conflicts with the rhyming elements, and your final line starting with "Oh and that..." was incongruous. The first stanza has 6-4-9-9 meter, and the fourth line reads as if it is two lines combined.

For your reference, below is your final stanza rewritten in 7-7-7-7 format. I did my best to retain the original meaning.

As I welcomed my release
I felt final stings of pain
That which haunted me is gone
'Tis indeed my greatest gain

wow nice i liked the restructured stanza, anyway im new to poetry i just started writing it yesterday, and this was my FIRST poem. im a storywriter so i dont really write poetry very well.

Sorry That was my 500th post