Sorry for the many poems lol ive just become addicted to poetry and i cant stop writing! heres another i hope u enjoy it.

End of the World

The world has gone silent
The cries of young children all but gone
The whispers of old men fading in the wind
While rains of crimson fall as one

Dark streets and shadowy corners are all that's left
In a world torn by Man but left to stand
As testament of the destruction and devastation
Wrought by humanity's hand

A child weeps by the light of the streetlamp
The warm glow like a comforting hand
He looks up and splashes of red
Fall upon his face a shower of murderous hate

The child flinched as a drop enters his eye
And with a finger he wipes it dry
But then seeing the bodies that around him lie
The boy screams an agonizing cry

Oh Mother Earth what have you done
He asked in a soft innocent voice
Then just like the rain he fell to the ground
A whimper coming from his parted lips

Like everything else he had ever known
Even the most distressing thing he knew must end
And so with a sigh his eyes closed
Never again to see the suffering wrought by humanity's hand

no comments?!

ehh not bad. Doesn't appeal to me, maybe to someone else it will. To me it seems bland.

Ashiene - check out http://www.writersbeat.com - you'll get more response there, in their poetry section.

Floppypancreas - You have just won a million e-brownie points for having the strangest screenname I've ever seen.

I think it's very expressive Ashiene, don't pay any mind to people who either don't leave comments or leave semi-negative ones. It's great that you can post your stuff somewhere for people to read, it took me a long time to get there. Keep writing!


...and I agree with Maelstrom5, Floppypancreas is a pretty strange screenname...but i like it

Ashiene, if you're interested http://spoiledink.com is a very good writing community.

havent u ever heard of a liver moving after it was purchased at the store. it moved right off the kiitchen counter. it wasd later confirmed that the liver had enzymes , so many that it mage it actualy move. that cant be good.

floppy pancrease reminds me of that story.

poem is good.except reader reads the line children all but gone and then there is a childs vioce,.? kinda confusing,.. you might want to re-word it somewhere so all but gone and then there is balances to a more conprehensible storyline and not so it leaves a confusing questionmark. other than that , it sings. which means well written to me.
Abecrombie

AriKiya, you can’t post your poetry up for discussion and then only listen to positive comments. If Ashiene doesn’t want any negative comments then she shouldn’t post her work up for consideration.

i welcome all forms of critique, it helps me improve upon my work and thats great

I would take out all the 'the' in your poem. Would give it a more liquidised flowing form
My roommate Todd is a poet and he swears 'the' is the stumbling block of all modern poetry (ironically he used the in the sentence)

I’m glad to hear that Ashiene; it upsets me when I see people with potential but know their work will get nowhere because they stomp their heels and throw a strop whenever someone suggests they might want to change a word!
As for your poems, I think they’re coming along nicely, but I still think you might want to spend a little longer on them. Don’t sacrifice quality for prolificacy, some poems can take months to complete.

bleh, hadn't checked this thread in a day or two

I'm a firm believer in honest critiquing too, but when I posted, there was only one comment on here, so I was just trying to encourage her. Maybe jumping the gun a bit I apologize. I only meant that I can always admire someone who CAN put their stuff out there to be critiqued.

To me personally and nothing against you here. It's just to well EMO.

I would suggest writing poems that aren't so dark and 'cliche'. Because well quite frankly as someone who does enjoy reading poems as of late 90% of them are dark and bland.

Try writing upbeat or inspiring poems something that appeals to everyone and not a group of kids who comb the hair over their faces.

Ganja, emo seems to be your response to everything on this board. It might be worth bearing in mind that most people outside of the UK and parts of the US have absolutely no idea what this means. And please don’t post that youtube link again – it really isn’t that funny.

Well-said, Sthenno. Ashy is a good writer but needs to learn how to accept criticism.

What is EMO anyway? Just curious....

Agreed - good point on your post. Ash is very young, though. I think we all wrote poetry like this during our teenage angst years...