The worst Christmas specials and TV movies ever
Dreck the halls with forgettable holiday movie and television fare ... fa la la la la, la la la la.
By Dave Larsen

Staff Writer

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

You know Charlie and Snoopy and Linus and Lucy, Rudolph and Ralphie and Frosty and Grinchy.

But do you recall the most horrible holiday films of all?

The worst Christmas specials and TV movies ever
Not every Christmas movie or television special becomes an enduring classic, destined for annual repeats and holiday marathons.

In fact, many of these ill-fated attempts at Christmas cheer aren't even available on DVD. They've been forgotten like misfit toys, and justly so.

Here are our picks for the 10 worst Christmas movies and TV specials. Beware — they're pure jingle hell.


'Santa Claus Conquers the Martians'

The Citizen Kane of bad Christmas films, this bizarre 1964 sci-fi fantasy finds Santa Claus being kidnapped by Martians to bring cheer to the children of Mars. One of the Martian kids was portrayed by a 10-year-old Pia Zadora, who "never got much taller," according to the wisecracking crew of Mystery Science Theater 3000. Available on DVD, the MST3K version is a hilarious rip on the awful, low-budget film. "What is it?" shrieks an Earth girl being pursued at the North Pole by a Martian robot. "It's a guy in a cardboard box with a coffee urn on his head," replies MST3K's Joel Robinson.

'The Star Wars Holiday Special'

If you thought Jar Jar Binks was bad, check out this 1978 CBS holiday special spinoff of the original Star Wars film. Better yet, don't. "This is some of the most painful television ever created," said a review on the Web site, Oh, the Humanity! Most notable for introducing the cult character Boba Fett, this special featured the film's cast, plus such guest stars as Harvey Korman and Bea Arthur. Carrie Fisher, deep into her hard-partying days, sang a "Life Day" carol based on the Star Wars theme. "If this isn't an argument for getting people off drugs, I don't know what is," the reviewer wrote. Bootleg clips can be found online at YouTube.com.

'Babes in Toyland'

The oft-filmed Victor Herbert operetta was translated to Cincinnati in this 1986 TV movie musical that starred Drew Barrymore, Keanu Reeves and Pat Morita. It featured "jaw-droppingly awful musical numbers," according to eFilmCritic.com's Collin Souter. Barrymore, who was drinking and doing drugs by age 12, played a little girl who bumps her head and wakes up in Toyland on Christmas Eve. "Historically interesting," Souter wrote, "if only to gaze into Barrymore's drug-addled, bloodshot eyes or to watch Keanu drive around in a pink, flowery go-cart ... before singing about the joys of Ohio."

'Christmas Comes to Pac-Land'

This 1982 cartoon special starring Pac-Man and his family was a crass attempt to cash in on the video-game craze. It was named the second worst holiday programming ever, after the Star Wars fiasco, in Television Without Pity's 752 Things We Love to Hate (and Hate to Love) About TV. "This holiday special's across-the-board suckitude remains seared into our memories like a brand," the authors wrote. Trying to capitalize on Pac-Man fever is one thing, they noted, but not when the poorly animated characters look nothing like the original. "How hard is it to animate a circle with a pie piece cut out of it?"

'Jack Frost'

Michael Keaton, as a mediocre blues singer who neglects his son, is killed in a car crash on Christmas Eve. How's that for a cheery premise? But wait, it gets better. Keaton's character, named Jack Frost, is reincarnated a year later as his son Charlie's snowman. He attempts to make up for lost time with Charlie, which allows the makers of this 1998 slushball to shovel on the sentiment. However, he also has to contend with the whole melting thing. "OK, I'm back, but why a snowman?" Keaton asks. "Is it the name Jack Frost? Because that's not even clever, that's cheesy." You said it, Jack.

'Silent Night, Deadly Night'

Forget the lump of coal. Naughty people get punished by an ax-wielding psycho wearing a Santa suit in this controversial 1984 slasher film, which prompted protests at theaters where it was shown. Heavy on bloodshed and gratuitous nudity, it was a box-office success and spawned four sequels. The story follows a young boy named Billy, who is fearful of Santa's wrath. As an adult, Billy deals with his issues by donning a red suit and chanting "Naughty! Punish!" as he dispatches sexually active teens. "What's next?" asked film critic Leonard Maltin. "The Easter Bunny as a child molester?"

'Surviving Christmas'

A contemporary stab at the worst Christmas movie of all time, this 2004 comedy starred Ben Affleck as a spoiled millionaire who hires a suburban Chicago clan to be his family at Christmas time. Ben forces the likes of Tony Soprano (James Gandolfini) to wear a Santa hat — but sadly, he doesn't get whacked. "So dreadful, Fox released it theatrically in October just so they could put it out of its misery by releasing it on video the following December," said eFilmCritic's Souter.

'Eight Crazy Nights'

Adam Sandler's 2002 animated gross-out musical-comedy celebrates the Festival of Lights, whose candles should have been used to torch the master print. Sandler provides the voice of Davey Stone, a drunk who is ordered by a judge to spend the holiday performing community service as the assistant referee for a youth basketball league. His redemption involves lots of potty humor, including one character rolling down a hill in a portable toilet. "A holiday film for the whole family," wrote the Chicago Reader's J.R. Jones, "provided the whole family is obsessed with human waste."

'Jingle All the Way'

Arnold Schwarzenegger dashes through the snow on Christmas Eve in hapless pursuit of an action figure for his son. But laughs are even harder to find in this distressing 1996 slapstick farce, whose box-office failure started Schwarzenegger's descent from A-list status. Now California's governor, Schwarzenegger has yet to live down the holiday turkey. When his four ballot measures were rejected by California voters in November 2005, Tonight Show host Jay Leno quipped: "This has to be the worst day Arnold's had since that movie Jingle All the Way came out."

Kathie Lee Gifford's Christmas specials

Regis Philbin's former Live co-host starred during the 1990s in annual CBS holiday specials that featured her husband, Frank Gifford, and their children. Washington Post television critic Tom Shales probably clinched his Pulitzer Prize with his scathing reviews of them. Shales called 1995's Kathie Lee: Home for Christmas, "a sickeningly saccharine vanity production that should really have been titled O Come, Let Us Adore Me." Her 1998 outing, Kathie Lee Gifford: Christmas Every Day, led him to ask: "What's the difference between the 24-hour flu and a Kathie Lee Gifford Christmas special? Twenty-three hours."


It Stinks!

Speaking of MST3k's Christmas riffs did anyone see the masterpiece from Mexico aptly named Santa Clause? God, it was horrible.

Hey, that sounds pretty cool. "Heavy on bloodshed and gratuitous nudity"

Nah..That's just an average saturday night with Girty and I..

I'm betting that new movie with Broderick and DeVito belongs on this list though..

The Ice Harvest was a really good one....

The only one I've seen from that list is 'Jingle All The Way'.

I can't say it was bad. I guess I just watched cuz I had nothing better to do? :/

I love Jingle All The Way. My favorite part is when Sinbad threatens the police with a package bomb. I guess folks just do not know how to have fun and enjoy the holidays anymore.

I LOVE MST3K!! As long as they are lampooning it, I'll watch anything. Except Dirty Dancing.

Christmas can't be without watching Home alone!!

I can't really say what is worst. I think Christmas with the Kranks should be on there. They took a very funny book, by of all people John Grisham, & ruined it! I read the book & laughed my butt off! Movie bites.

I'd like to see this one ...

what about Santa's Slay, or the other Jack Frost, and its sequel?



Jingle all the way was waaay better than these two pieces of crap. I like it, no matter what those critics say.

The Santa Clause, with Tim Allen awful...A total christmas clasic is A Chitmas Story ....."you'll shoot your eye out kid"...HOHOHO

I think I'm the only one of my friends who remembers watching the Star Wars Holiday Special when it aired in 1978.
God, it was awful. Even as a kid, I couldn't stand it. Thank God it was only broadcast once.

Nooooooooo.

Oh God, Santa's Slay was horrid. It was like Santa was Chuk Norris but sucked. Horrid.

Falco and I alway have a good laugh at that one while cruising the movie rentals......

agreed

they all sound horrible
I hate all feel good movies so all xams happy themed movies top my list
jack frost was funny im talking about the one with that killer dude who gets thrown of a car and turns into a snow man after some kinda chemical reaction
anyhoo he goes around asmall town and kills people rapes a chick in a shower using his well placed carrot nose and then ends up getting killed when a guy throws wait for it......antifreeze on him. Anyhoo that was hilarious
another one i cant remmeber the title but all i rember is that it had fake reindeer santa was harsh to one of his elves who sobbed in the corner of a stable or something i was young the movie was weird but the tv channel repleyed it like five times over the xmas break it was annoying
Also anything to do with tim allen arnie or danny devito or robin williams etc and xmas sucks

I MUST see this movie.

Hell yes!

Home alone's the best christmas film, ever; I have to watch it every year. The second one was on tv last night.

Hey, I liked Eight Crazy Nights.

That Star Wars Christmas special made me curious, so I looked it up on YouTube.
LINK

Its so horrible I couldn't stand much of it.

I want to see "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians". It's always up there on the lists of the worst movies ever made, and I like laughing at terrible movies. "Chupacabra Terror" or "Alone in the Dark", anyone?

1:) Any movies with Owen Wilson In it......(not suprising that his snozzle has been broken 3506 times)

2:) Jingle all the way, was as christmasy as the time in a Turkish gay prison...

3:) The Grinch that stole christmas...and the spirit that Jim Carrey stole along with it.....

4:) The Home Alones without Joe Pesci...great actor...Especially when he as the kids head in a F******* Vice...

5:) The Queens speech....Well I have said too much.....better with Joe Pesci...

6:) The Santa Clause...I was hoping for more tool injuries...but the tool man failed me...Santa, You failed me...

7:) Tellytubbies and their merry merry gay holiday......Tellytubbies and their merry merry gay holiday...

8:) A Very Brady Christmas.....Apparently, Alice did some very bad things to those boys...

9:) Santa Claus Conquers the Martians....What are aliens to think of our celebration....Another reason why you shouldn't mix alcohol with egg nog..
AND THE WINNER ISSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

10:) The Burning Log..........If it was real I would throw myself in it...