The things I find when I'm looking for quirky one liners.




Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid".

That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops...never mind, didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says, "Hey, you moving?"

"Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big ol'stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?"

"Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright, Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you."

"Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?"

I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!"

See, if he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18-wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know, I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out, no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning ..okay...no problem. I thought for sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked, "So, is your truck stuck?"

I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said, "No, I'm delivering a bridge... here's your sign."

I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said, "Are you still here?"

I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign."


http://mutedfaith.com/funny/ignorance.htm

Bill Engvall is fantastic!

I've heard that somewhere before, but I just can't remember where.

Oh-well, it's still funny.

Glad you like it. I was rollin when I first read this.

Small world to. I can't believe I found a Gif I was going to keep to use in a future signature and then, there you are. haha



I figured instead, it might be something you'd like to make a full animated sig.

Now I gotta go keyword; sniper cat and hope I get another fur ball armed to the K9's and sportin dead aim.

Yes, Bill Engvall is hilarious, especially with the "Here's your sign" bit.

Only time I don't like it is when I say something that is sooooo deserving of a sign!

... that's funny .. there are some people who just cause you to raise an eyebrow and you sooo wanna hand them a sign.

Agreed. Bill Engvall and Ron White are the "better half" of Blue Collar Comedy Tour though Jeff Foxworthy still make me laugh. I won't comment on Larry the Cable Guy.

In November Falco Rex and I took my parents, my best friend and her parents to see Ron White when he came to town and he put on a great show if not a bit akward. For Blue Collar Ron keeps his material at about a PG-13 level but his independant stand-up is a whole different story. Dirty dirty dirty. I'm sitting next to my dad while Ron's on stage talking about stuff I can't repeat here.

The source link for that piece is to a battery of hillarious jokes, one liners, and especially relevant in my life: Notes to self. Oh no kidding! What's really funny is some of this I've actually done. That could get me arrested in Arkansas on a Sunday.

[notes below contributed by moongrl@ tampabay.rr.com]

1. people are staring at you.
2. so act insane.
3. when seeing Lord of the Rings cheer for the trees. << Been there done that. "Kick their arse Oak. That's it, swing that branch for all your worth!" Talk about getting some weird looks.
4. Spongebob is the knower of ALL wisdom. <<Like, "Duh!" His god/creator was also a stoner! Double Duh!
5. if today is not your day, then make sure it's no one else day either.
6. when seeing Star Wars do not try to take the lightsaber from the screen.
7. When the people in the white jackets come, ask for a room with lots of pointy objects.
8. If that doesn't work ask them for a designer jacket.
9. When people give you strange looks make sure you go up and start shaking their hand.
10. If accused of world domination, just turn and walk away.
11. Then go home a plot world destruction since they know of your last plan.
12. If you live in your own little happy world, I will find you.
13. Mint gum can cure anything except schizophrenia.
14. Some people live, some peole die, and I rule.
15. Never try to image Yoda as a football fan. -shudder-
16. Pointy objects are fun.
17. Dragons are fun until the knight shows up, then you have to lie low so they blame the dragon.
18. If life gives you lemons, throw them at someone.
19. People are weird, but not as weird as me.
20. Coffee is my friend.
21. Go away.

http://mutedfaith.com/funny/notes.htm#moon

Lol, beat you to it. Thanks, I'll save it for later.