Forgiveness how easy it to forgive

I would very much like religious people here to read this and tell me in the end, why can’t I forgive...thanks...ps maybe the non religious might be able to tell me too

I find it easy to forgive most things in life, like a fight that soon calmed down, names that where called, even someone that has stolen from m, run over my dog ect. Some that didn’t know me, would say, that’s rather christian of you BM,well no, it may sound christian, but it’s rather just me how I am

But see here’s the thing.....please read before you answer...thanks

When I was 4 years old, I remember this next part as if it were just yesterday, that’s how clear it is. My mother, lil brother (who was just 3yrs old at the time) and myself, where all in the kitchen, my mom was making lunch for us all. My dad was in Paris at a meeting, he wouldn’t be back for the weekend. Then all of a sudden, there was this loud thumping knock on the front door, my mom went to go look, she came back into the kitchen, and I’ll never forget the scared look on her face, as she told us to be quiet and to remain in the kitchen, as if she wanted to protect us.
The banging got louder and louder, I covered my ears and whispered up to my mom, what is it mommy?
Then it stopped, suddenly within moments, I saw my uncle Dan, look through our kitchen window. He was wearing a light blue t-shirt, with blue jeans, he had dark brown hair, and I recall him looking through the window, looking angered right over towards my mom.
My lil brother grabbed on to my mommys skirt, and I stood back in shock, she told us to run and hide, but we didn’t, we stayed there, to be with her.
Dan broke the back door down, came into the house, my mom ran for the living room, yelling DON'T HURT MY BABIES ...kids run and hide!!

I stood and watched him attack my mother, hitting her yelling stuff, then I saw how my lil brother tried to help my mother, by jumping on Dans back, Dan threw my bro off with such mean force. For some reason I froze up...as he dragged my mother into the hall way, and had her in a corner, beating her, I was in shock, I recall wanting to do something, but couldn’t move, I watched her cry, I saw her get hurt bad, I looked over and saw my lil brother hurt bad, I still froze in fear.

He left, it was over, I don’t remember much after it, but I recall my dad arriving home the following day, all smiles, then I burst into tears, jumped into my dad’s arms and said – “[i]Daddy, can you show me where uncle Dan lives, so I can take a brick and hurt him with it, please daddy I want to” [/i] My dad saw my mother, and broke down 1st with sorrow, then with rage, he went and sorted Dan out, put my uncle Dan in hospital.
..My dad was a big guy, built like a tank, and was a great boxer back in his hay day, he taught us all how to defend ourselves ect.

10 years had passed, I never knew where my uncle lived, I knew the son of a b**** was still alive and well. I tried to track him down, my mom has tried to get me to realize that forgiveness is the best way. For years my mom has tried to show me how God can forgive, and how revenge is not right.
My mother is a born again Christian, it was 5 years ago, when I attended a funeral, and someone said – “hey is that Dan over there”...I was near my dad and said WHAT?? WHERE?? I felt rage build up...my dad said no Geri NO its not him calm down. ( I think it may have been him, as he has aged a lot since that day, but my dad didn't want any trouble)

Later my mother brought over these Jesus books on forgiveness that teaches you how Jesus favours forgiveness.. I listened to her, and because I love her, I took the Jesus books on forgiveness, read some, but I can’t understand as to WHY I won’t find it easy to forgive, I would love to bump into Dan and give him what for.....WHY??? prolly because I saw him hurt my mother and it disturbed me, I know my dad got him, but that not good enough it’s my mother for petes sake

Those of us that are close to our moms...love them ..Don’t like to see anyone hurt our moms do we??
So even when I read Jesus books on forgiveness, on How Jesus forgave people that hurt him, but see I’m not the son of God, I’m no messiah, I’m me the average gal...is this WHY I can’t forgive?
I don’t think about this all the time, only when someone mentions his name that’s when rage haunts me and I wanna so much do time for what he did
A priest many years ago, did the same, my aunt took me to see a priest about my rage over my uncle, the priest tried so hard to get me to understand forgiveness, he too spoke of Jesus, how Jesus forgave...that’s ok that was Jesus I said to the priest, I’m not Jesus, I am my mother’s daughter and I want revenge
Why can’t I just let it go!?!

I'll just say this.

Personaly, I wouldn't be able to forgive what he did.

But from a religous view point. I think God would want us to forgive those who do such atrocious things for they will be judged for it when it comes to be their time. It seems more like an act of pity because you know how they may be judged. Do not let the weight of their sins lay burden on your spirit your whole life.

I hope somebody else will be able to give you a better answer.

Forgiveness is not that easy and sometimes some people just do not deserve it.

My dad is a Christian although he doesn't go to church anymore. He had a really hard life growing up, he's the youngest of 11. He has seen a lot of hardship, his own father treated his mother the way your uncled treated your mom.
Recently there was trouble in the family. One of his older brothers was accused of molesting someone, he lied about it and it came out later to be found true. My dad said something he often says at times like this "If it weren't for the grace of God, that could be me." In some ways, being the little jerk I am sometimes, I think, well of course, that's easy enough to say. But when I really think about it, and look at it from the perspective of faith, it makes sense.

"If it weren't for the grace of God, that could be me."

I think that forgiveness is a hard thing, it's not about your uncle, it's about you. To be a healthy person, you have to find it in your heart, for you. Honor your mother and your father, accept that grace, come to a place where you can pity him for not having that grace.

Wow, why in the world would your uncle do that? That is shocking

I try my best to forgive and over time i do...otherwise it's only gonna burn you up with hatred from the inside out so to speak making you no better than the wrongdoer.

I'm great believer in what goes round comes round.

I am vengeful, I forgive after I get my revenge or something. I did forgive the person who ruined me before I ever had a chance to live though, it is easy to hurt others when you have been hurt yourself.

BM, I think the reason you're struggling to forgive is because your uncle Dan is not the one you're really mad at. I noticed that you kept repeating that you froze. Are you maybe angry that you didn't act, that even your little brother was able to do something and you weren't?

I may be completely off. But maybe you can't forgive your uncle because in order to do so, you would have to admit to yourself that you feel bad because you didn't react.

Well... from you writing this, it shows that you want to forgive Dan (I won't refer to him as your uncle, as I'm sure you've - as I would - dismissed him as being your family from that day). But, I think forgiveness isn't about your wanting to forgive, it's something that... for lack of a better word, 'just happens'. Although due to your age - i'm guessing you were only a little kid under 10? family is meant to be familer, warm and loving, but when you witnessed Dan's fury beating your own mother, your views of family changed - hence why you froze up because you were shocked and just didn't know how to act.

So I don't think, no matter how hard you try, you're not ever going to forgive him, and tbh niether could I forgive a family member beating my mother for a no - apparent - reason. All you can really do is draw from what you experienced and make sure you can defend yourself and your children from anything like that, and also realize that your brother and yourself stood by your mother even though it could have meant yourselves getting injured as well.

It's only your mother that can forgive him, as it happened to her. So it's not really something for you to actually forgive - even though you're full of hate towards him. Maybe, it's you who you really need to forgive, because you feel that 'maybe I could have done something to stop it'. You just have to remember that you were only a kid and - probably - never knew of anything, inwhich had happened, and at least it happening in your own home. You just have to realize that if anything happened like it again - which I obviously hope doesn't and never will - you now know how to defend yourself against it.

edit spelling mistake >.<

I was only a 4 yr old child, perhapps something was looking out for me and made me froze up, cuz if I did, with all the rage my uncle had, I could have been killed?? I dunno but I do know I was frightened..at my mom being badly hurt...no one likes to see their mother being hurt
My brother was lucky he didnt get killed

I recall something in my head telling me to go get the knife from the kichen drawer,,go save you mother NOW...and I just stood there!!

I've asked God...WHY cant I just get over it?? Why does it haunt me? why do I still after 28 years want to seek revenge the sec his name is mentioned??

The only answer i can think of was - The love I hold for my mother, makes me want to get revenge

sigh...I hate it...I really do

It's so easy for a preist or a minister/pastor to tell me...Jesus forgave those that hurt him....but see thats Jesus i see that its his power...I dont hold that power

I dont think it says anywhere in the bible, that Jesus had to stand and watch his mother Mary being beaten....I wonder how forgiving would Jesus be then?

Bare in mind IAMS....I too have been able to forgive those that have hurt me personally...ohh yeaaa I have..most certainly have...this is why i get confused

The same for my lil girl...if anyone hurt her and killed her even...an ugly side to me would soon arrive..and i wouldnt rest till justice was done...am I wrong?? IMO NOPE im just a loving mother that loves her child and hates to see her cry, let alone, get hurt by some stranger

Yea I was well under the age of 10, I was only 4 at the time.......it was disturbing

You are right my mom has forgave her brother Dan..thats why she kept at me to do the same

So I said -- Mom, if you saw grandma (her mom) being beaten up, would you forgive as easy?

She had nothing to say...then later came over with Jesus books for me to read...she knows I have a dark side and I can be very violent if pushed too far....not that I like violence no...but if pushed...I show no mercy...but took heed of my dad who was a boxer and fought for a living as a lad....Always walk away from a fight Geri..it takes a bigger man to walk away <--my dad was forever saying this

See i wasnt used to seeing anyone hit my mother...my dad may have hit us as kids...but he NEVER layed a finger on our mom...never...and we dare not lift our hands to our mom either...we knew better...

I dunno...rage most likely...but see i dont care what my mom may have said to anger him...i really dont.............no man should beat on a mother in front of her kids...this gets to me and rage soon shows it face...especially with me...when I get angered like that so seriously...i am not nice...I can make the lil girl from the Excorist look like lil miss sunshine LOL

My mom and dad dont show they are upset or annoyed with me...infact..when I mention it..they just look at me with saddness in their eyes

my dad is so compassionate..and knows that no child should see her mom being beaten

SO its silence at times..then my mom who has forgave her brother Dan...finds it hard to see it from my eyes...she justs hopes I will one day say - ok Dan I forgive you...

I''l forgive insults towards me...I'll forgive those that hurt me personally...gee thats so easy for me to forgive that

If you could imagine how you would feel in that situation...pic your own mom..and think............is it really that simple to forgive if it where my mom??

I know you have BM, that's why I was looking at this from a different perspective. Since you have forgiven others, are you in part struggling with this not only because your uncle hurt your Mom, but also because he made you feel helpless and unable to help her? Are you also, somewhere deep in your mind feeling guilty because you didn't help?

Forgiveness is one of the toughest things to do, but there is something to remember, is your anger, your inability to forgive hurting your uncle in any way? Probably not, he's probably not even aware of how much you hate him, so what is that hatred doing? And, more importantly, who is it doing it to?

You know I believe Jesus is God, so based on that belief, I see that His teachings always have more depth than we think when we just read through them. I believe Jesus taught forgiveness because He loves us so much. He knows forgiving requires that we realize we are no better than the person we are forgiving (we would have to realize this if we are going to love them as much as we love our selves), but maybe even more importantly, not forgiving hurts us much more than the person we can't forgive.

Well...forget about Jesus. I need justice for sure.
On the other hand, think about this.
Take your revenge on that person, beat him as hard as you can.
If i was that person i will accept it, if that is the only way to pay you.
And i don't care if i die. Sometimes we wanted to say sorry for bad things
that we had done but don't have a face to show it.
If you saw him on that funeral, it is a sign that he wanted to say sorry to all of you.
He's not asking forgiveness, i guess.

Yea I maybe am regretting not being able to move while frozen in fear...I only wish i had of done something to help my mom....thats mainly I guess WHY i am pissed at it..I want to hurt him more so NOW cuz this time BM here is a lot bigger and can surely put up a fight.....at 4yrs old i couldnt...I was a skinny lil drink of water back then..ok im still thinish now but im not weak lol

I think I should have jumped on my uncle...beat him hard with something...I may have been killed trying to save my mom...but then see at least i would have died trying to protect my mom...justice would be served...i would have died a happy child knowing I did it for the love of my mother

So someone who isn't violent and wouldn't hurt a fly isn't better than someone who beat his sister in front of her two children? There are many things in this world that are unforgivable, and what he did is one of them.

Oh of course! Believe me, I think it's horrible what you went through. For you to see your mom being hurt, and for you to have been so young, feeling like you couldn't do anything is heartbreaking!

I really wasn't trying to imply that it wasn't, I was just remembering what my dad had said, and how I thought it was good advice. I wasn't trying to imply that you should forget it, or that your parents were mad at you. I'm sure they understand your anger.

I would never say that you don't have a right to feel the way you do, because I would probably feel the same way. I honestly feel sympathetic and sad for you, that this has obviously eaten away at you for a long time, and this has grown bigger and bigger.

OK, can you look at it from the perspective of your daughter? What if it was you who had been beaten, and your daughter at 4 saw this. And all these years later it was still eating her up inside. Would you want your daughter to feel the way you do now?

For me, it's almost impossibly hard to forgive. The "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me" adage resonates strongly with me. I can forgive someone who accidently hurts me very easily. But if someone purposely violates my trust, I don't trust them again.

To be honest, this aspect of the Christian tradition never made sense to me (which, I freely admit, might be a measure of how far I have to go spiritually). I think most of us are part of a tight-knit social group (our friends and family). If someone hurts you and you give them the ability to drag you down again, all the people who love you might be dragged down as well. One of my siblings made a very serious suicide attempt and when I saw what it did to my mother I decided that when you have a love relationship, you have an obligation to take care of yourself.

I don't feel that I have to "get even" or retaliate against someone who's hurt me (escallating violence is very wrong) , but once I know someone's untrustworthy, I don't want much to do with them.

I don't want to sound offensive or anything - I don't know you like some others here might - but this part that you said just reminded me of something that happened to me.

You say "...i would have died a happy child knowing I did it for the love of my mother," but how would've she have felt?

You say that you love your mother dearly (of which I have no doubt) and thus want to get revenge on Dan. But it seems to me that your mother wouldn't want you to do that now. How best to show your love for your mother? By hoping for revenge, or for letting it go for her sake?

Just my thoughts....

Geri, the answer is quite clear to my eyes. You can't let go simply because you don't feel that justice/revenge has been served. Once you have let go of this anger you will find it easier to forgive in your heart. There is no timetable on it though, it will take you as much time as it takes, but it can be done.

*edit* You might want to try forgiving yourself for your "cowardice" first. You were just a kid and there is no need to blame yourself for what you think you should have done as seen through your eyes x number of years later.

To understand everything is to forgive everything.


---Buddha

Geri, I didn't read through the whole thread, so forgive me if someone has already written the same thing........

Firstly, this issue is not a religious issue, you're dealing with real emotions and real people here......Don't worry if God says forgive.....They're just words written in a book by men who belonged in a different time and place......

I'm so sorry you and your brother had to witness your mother's beating and I'm sorry she had to endure that as well.....In front of her children no less....

I can certainly understand why you feel the way you do and why you can't forgive him.....Why in the hell should you ?? What you need is closure regarding this incident and the only way for you to get it, in my view, is for you to confront your uncle and tell him exactly what you felt when he burst into your house that fateful day... You need to make him understand what he did to you and your brother and ask him why????

Only he has the answers to the questions you seek....Now I don't know if your uncle is still alive or even if he lives anywhere close by, for you to meet with him....If it's impossible for you to see him face-to-face, I suggest you write him a letter and describe exactly your feelings and hurt and confusion that you felt that day and still feel.....

Writing your feelings down on paper, can be a carthartic process for you, even if he never gets to read it or replies back.....

Geri, you were only 4 years old then and there's no way you could've said or done anything.....Now, you can do something about it.... For your own peace of mind, go for it......

Wow, you never hit a woman-so, so wrong.
The frustration of not getting revenge can really eat you up. I always prefer revenge- and then forgive myself later-
But it has to be something really bad for me to react- I mean really bad such as your story.
I always give people a second chance- to explain themselves- and I'm always extra nice- so at least I know I tried my best to find a diplomatic solution- If this fails-then it's pay back... over to the darkside-but hate can destroy you.. and it needs something powerful to take away the hate- faith.

I'm sure your dad knows the score and from the sound of it well gave him pay back.

I'm not Jesus either, but that is a cowardly attack, period , anyone who attacks women IS a preditor, so maybe your intuition won't let you forgive him as a survival instinct....he doesn't live in the USA does he? .......B

I dont forgive some of the things i should. I would if i knew that they were given back the pain they caused. To me forgiveness is letting them get away with it. But at the same time i have seen that if someone hurts you or someone you love then if you don't act violently against violence then the perpetrators get there own back if you choose to let Karma work it's own magic. I've actully seen this magic but only in small ways. Iv'e never seen it work for the major things like beating someone. In the end either you or karma can get revenge. Its a lot more dangerous for the person to take there revenge. But it requires faith to rely on God and Karma to straighten the person out.

Geri, I'm so sorry you had to experience that. In my book, any man that hits a woman or verbally abuses her is a freaking weakling and a coward. And your loving mom who tried her best to protect you and your brother never deserved the treatment she got from your uncle.

Don't worry, dear. Just remember that old saying that "What goes around comes around." He'll get his.

I just thought I would throw my 2 cents in. I have found that forgiveness is not an emotion. It is a decision. You decide to forgive someone, then you do it. Saying it makes it real somewhere in your mind. I find that later, sometimes much later, the feeling of forgiving comes into play.

I have a situation where by my younger brother (who is a twin) used lies and deceit to get my widowed mother to sign her house over to him while she was still living. She also made him her conservator. I found out one day when I came back from a vacation, went to see Mom and found that all of the locks were changed on her home. I asked her what happened, thinking it was due to a lost or stolen key which had prompted the action. She said the house now belonged to my brother and since she was living in HIS house now , he could do what he wanted. Sick, huh? He spent all of her 100k nest egg and got her on the public dole. Within 6 months, he threw her into a rest home, never went to see her, lied to her, saying he couldn't walk. (That is why he couldn't go see her). At any rate, his twin and my older brother have become numb to the whole thing. They wouldn't see mom. The twin never forgave Mom for choosing his twin over him. I guess you could say we all hate him for what he had the nerve to do to not only Mom, but to the whole family. I forgave my mom and the forgiveness feeling came to me immediately. I was able to visit her monthly, take her out, buy her clothes and special foods to have at the home. My brothers never saw her again. She passed away last year. I never regretted forgiving her for choosing him over the rest of us. She was brainwashed by him, singing his song of woe and poor me. I had a clear conscious at her funeral.

Now the evil twin, that is another matter. I have not the desire to forgive him at all. He caused me to move out of the neighborhood (since I lived only 4 houses away from Mom), He has caused a rift in the family. I detest him. I will probably sometime in the future decide to forgive him, just so I can move on. But I really don't feel like it.

So why are you bothered by the inability to forgive your uncle? I don't think he deserves your attention, let alone your forgiveness. Unless, like me, you want to let it go and move on.

I send my best to you and your family.

God, some people can be right swines.

Perfectly stated, Carolina. I'm sorry you had to go through your ordeal too.

My dear, forgiveness has nothing to do with being religious, but it has more to do with acceptance. I have endured many hardships, Which only 2 people on UM are aware of. I have forgiven almost everyone. I understand it to be a learning experience, and I just try and make sure that I don't let the same situations arise again. I don't feel that it is as easy as "letting go and moving on". I feel that maybe instead of dwelling on the pain and hurt, try and use it to figure out how it has taught you to grow stronger. I still don't think that you're horrible for not being able to forgive, but I feel that you might lose a little bit of yourself if you let it eat you up inside.

mhm.

I've always had trouble with this to BM.

I forgive people up to a point, but if someone transgresses certain points then I will not forgive them, ever.

Personally I don't think that it is a weakness at all. But on the other hand I can understand that by blaming someone you can become listless as you concentrate on their mistakes rather then your present life.

Personally I think the best advice is to do what YOU think is best. If you really want to forgive your uncle then look deep into yourself and you will be able to. Otherwise you are perhaps not ready.

it isnt about forgiveness, you never have to forgive anyone, but what you will need to do is,let go of the hate that fillls you everytime you think of the event or hear his name..that hate keeps him living rent free in your mind that hate keeps the memory of you mom being beat, fresh in your mind,the memory of your mom being hurt over shawdoing the other memories of her you have.

you can live your life and never forgive your uncle,but you need to let go of the pain,the fear,the regret the things that make you relive the event..but its nothing about forgiveness its learning how to deal with what you saw and went threw..learn to deal with the hate.and you will begain to work threw the rest of it.

good luck

Read your story and my deepest symphati to you, I gained respect for you as the writer of this.

To me forgiveness is not as black and white as many in this topic seem to make it, and I will tell you why.
When we look at your uncle and the episode where he violated your mom in front of two terrified children the thing he did that in itself is close to impossible to forgive. But to me there is more to it, because unless you desided not to mention it he has not shown to you nor your brother he wanted forgiveness. Not a letter or a word, he has been ignoring what feelings and emotional scars you might have and in that way he is not asking for forgiveness. Don't get me wrong, I have great respect for people with the ability to forgive a thing like this but to me the least your uncle could do is to show he wants to be forgiven... it breaks my heart some people can do as he did.

I would say that if you were to forgive you would do it as spoken by others here as a choise, a choise made from your wise and logic thinking. But if you were to forgive out of emotion as you seem to wish then I don't see the possibility in it before your uncle acts first. I might be cold

I can't advise you on how to forgive. It is neither my place or my "right" to do so. Given the story you told I don't know if i could forgive your uncle if i were you.

But to give an answer I am qualified to give, I would look inside myself and first try to work out what i was failing to understand and forgive about myself.

Just as I found it hard to understand the meaning of love, and how to truly love others, until i discovered that first you truly have to love yourself, and have a clear understanding of how that love operates; I found it impossible to honestly forgive any one else until I saw myself in a holistic way, and slowly" for gave" those elements of myself which were acting against my best interests or trying to harm me, or put me down. When you can do that for yourself and understand the process on a personal level, it becomes more possible to forgive others, although it still requires a concerted act of will.

BM,

I am not a bad person but I would not be able to forgive someone who did what you described your uncle doing to someone I love. However I would not wish to harbour any desire for revenge against this person (although I can't say that I wouldn't). I'm not sure that letting go of the vengeance aspect of what your dealing with requires forgiveness, just an acceptance that the situation was dealt with and the perpetrator did not have another opportunity to inflict any more pain on you all.

You seem to be a strong person, perhaps you can cast off the desire for revenge even if you cannot forgive your uncle.

I too am struggling with this. I feel it is stopping me in some way. My mother put my baby in the danger of being molested. I can't forgive her for that. She left my daughter at a stranger's house when she was 3 yrs old and my daughter told me that the man touched her while she was sitting on the toilet. I checked her over when we got home and everything seemed fine 'down there' but I don't know what happened. She was supposed to be babysitting for 2 hours but went on a joyride to go buy a carton of beer and my daughter wouldn't fit into the car with her mates.

And this isn't just one thing you have to understand. My mother truly brings havoc into my life. She endangers my children, she brings abusers, drug addicts, boozers you name it and I have to protect my children. So how to forgive? My whole life my Mother has shown me a mean streak and I don't want her in my life.

Do we place too much emphasis on the word forgive? What does it mean? What about forget?

Sometimes you have to forgive, but you can never forget. Yet, for those that experience this kind of pain their whole lives it is a load of bull crap. This pain changes you. It forms your character. You live with it.

No one does that to my children. I don't care who the hell you are. I am their mother and I will protect them. That is my true calling.

BM,witnessing something at such a young age,such as what your uncle did,would mentally scar a child.That scar will never go away.It will always be there for the rest of your life,even if you do eventually forgive him.And even then...you'll probably still want to exact some type of revenge.It's only natural.

In order for you to forgive him,he would have to come to you to ask for your forgiveness.It cannot be done in any other way.Until he does this...he is not deserving of your forgiveness.If he came to you though,you would have to test your willpower by not giving in to the urges to hurt him as he's hurt you.You'll have to show yourself that you are the better person.

You also need to forgive your parents for not understanding that while he may have been forgiven by them,either because they felt that it would be better for them to forgive him of their own will or because he has apologized and asked forgiveness from them...he still has not asked for forgiveness from *you* for leaving you with the mental scar by his actions.

...

I do not see forgiving as being an easy matter in every case,as there are different levels of forgiveness.I can easily forgive some things...and there are some which are a little tougher to forgive.But there are also some things which can never be forgiven.It all depends upon the incident or action that one has suffered from.

I never saw it as a weakness as susch no..well to be honest..in a way yea to a certain degree..but over all no not a weakness, not in this situation
AR- for some of those that have crossed that point you mentioned...if they apologized and you seen they actually meant it...cuz there s a difference between running the words - I'm Sorry off the tongue and Saying it with FULL meaning....so say someone told you that they where sorry, and put a lot of full meaning into it all, would you then forgive?? It does take a lot to say sorry...not everyone does, cuz a lot think they are ABOVE and BEYOND saying sorry...too much ego if ya ask me!!!

My uncle never once said sorry...........not to me or my brother...I hate him for what he has done...If he did apologize and talked to me...I dunno how I would feel cuz thats never happened ..I may listen...but I would still show im angered cuz he did scar me for life


Your right, it is to do with acceptance...its who you are inside I guess. I don't think anyone would want to see their mom being beaten like that...no child wants to see this it was the only time I had ever saw anyone lift a hand to my mom..cuz my dad didnt do it.. Heres the thing..my dad did beat us as kids...but in the long run through time --(time can be a great healer) -- Because it was me he hurt, I forgave him, and he did say he was sorry he ever did that to us, he regrets it..so thats another rreason I forgave..but was ready to forgive regardless of the apology...only because it was JUST ME that he hurt...if it had of been my mother...different ball game...and I wouldnt forgive him...father or no father...any man that beats up a mother in front of her kids dont deserve forgiveness, but thankfully my dad never hit my mom....so you can see why I was in shock watching it all..cuz I had never seen that before


Thanks for the understanding but -- How easy is it to let go of the pain?...I don't know how to....would you be able to let go of the pain, if you saw someone hit your mom and make her cry? can you imagine that being done to your mom or someone that is so close to you that you love with all your heart?... Things are so easy to say, than they are easy to do!


Thank you, I see you placed yourself in my shoes....No not one single time has he bothered his backside, to show he is sorry, he never tried to contact us via letter or anything
Here is something I forgot to tell you all........... Many years ago, My sister was making her 1st holy communion apparently he called at the house to see my mom...I was sent on a message funny enough that took me 30 mins or so, when I came back home A man with grey hair passed me but blanked me out, I asked who he was, my mom said it was a friend from work.....later my sister let it slip, I heard her say - "Mommy your brother gave me money for making my communion was that Dan or Kevin?"..then I heard my mom whisper - "it was Dan one of my elder brothers, but shhhhh dont tell your sister, she dont like Dan"
....I walked in to my mom...never said anything..ran outside to see if I can catch the man I saw with the grey hair...ran up the street..but no sign of him...man was I pissed...........so I came back, talked to my mom, told her I overheard her tell my sis, that Dan was here, and that's why I was sent on a message, to be taken out of the way, untill he left, I said to her.."Mom, don't worry, you may forgive him, but I don't, if I see him, watch out"
My sister was not born around the time when this happened, so she cant say much, she only ever found out about it when his name popped up and off I went on a rant...when she heard me say it...she sat in a daze and then hugged my mom, then turned and hugged me, and said - "geri, I too would feel the same, why didn't ou do this, and that?" I said - "Viv, hind side is a wonderful thing"

I always imagined how my confrontation would be like, IF I met him..kinna like this --> I walk up to him, and say - "So, are you Dan then?....he would reply yes...then I would add - "Remember me do you?, I was the little girl, about 4yrs old, with my hair in piggy tails, wearing a red and white dress, when you paid my mom a visit back in our old house years ago...ring any bells?? then POW off I go hurting him..and in anger growl out - "you hurt my mom you bastard, and my lil brother, you broke in and you hurt her, now im going to continue hurting you, I DON'T CARE look see what she did to you, you hurt my mom grrrrrrrrrrrrr" followed by a bunch of swearing lol then I would hurt him just enough to let him live...but no doubt my dad and a bunch of others would pull me off him...with my rage, it would take more than one man to pull me away from him!!!

Thats graceful of you to say so Mr Walker, because you are right, it only up to you to know if you want to or not to forgive
Lots of people have harmed me not just emotionally but in a physical way too, that i can forgive and forget so easy, only because it was just done to me...in time I shrugged it off, and I guess for those that hurt me in a physical way, well see i got to do it back, so I didnt hold a grudge appart from my dad, I never hit him back, I couldn't, he was and still is my dad...I don't believe anyone should hit their parents..I was brought up not to



Thats what I struggle with Leo, BOTH< the desire to want revenge, and to forgive....I think sometimes, what if, I got my revenge, and left him there with a lot to think about, then I may let go of it all together


Holy posts...STOP...that has not happened to me, but for a moment, I just put myself in your shoes, and OMG I too would be so angry at my mom, if she did that to my kid, being so careless, I doubt very much if I would want to forgive my mom for doing that. But I would confront her, see what she has to say. I know how you feel, my lil girl, to me is MY LIFE, MY EVERYTHING, If my mom did that to my kid, then I would sit and wonder, what did she do, when I was a baby? things that I dont recall cuz I was too young..omg what?? <--all would rush through my head at the one time
I would tell my mom, I love her as a mom BUT hate the person she is...but thats me...then I would confront her as to WHY I say this...and if she showed no remorse....thats it, I couldnt forgive her
I am glad you lil girl, dint have anything else done to her, she has you, and will always see you as her protector, she is lucky you are there for her always...I admire you for it, for looking out for your child....im sure you have prolly asked yourself over and over (just guessing here) - "sigh why did I leave her with my mom, if i had of went else where, this wouldnt have happened" I dunno, all I know is, thats what I would be thinking

He is not going to ask me for forgiveness, in fact from my understanding, he has put it all out of his head, moved on, I think the only thing, that mattered to him, was, my mom forgiving him. My dad forgave him too, so he prolly thought, that was it nuff said....he forgot about the two kids, that had to watch it, which makes me wonder, why didn't my dad make him apologize to me and my brother?

Kind words and thanks for saying we are here if you need us

You are correct, family can hurt you more than strangers could, perhapps thats why I can be so forgiving towards strangers. However I did forgive my dad though, for what he did..and I know my dad regrests his actions.
My dad did go after him, the day after, when he came home from Paris, he lifed me up, so glad to see me, but was stunned on what I had to say - "Daddy, can you show me where uncle Dan lives, so I can go hit him with a brick, for hurting my mommy" I said something like that to my dad, he set me down, and had a sad look on his face. Now it's coming back to me more, he said, - "did you see this Geri? did he do this in front of you?.......I stood there just shaking my head with a sad look nodding yes back at my dad....that was IT, he stormed off out, he came back later and he and my mom had words up stairs. From what I heard later, my dad put Dan in hospital, with a few broken ribs, and his jaw was wired up, Dan didn't press charges, but i was not satisfied.
Maybe I am trying to come to terms with it all Devol, thats why at present, I have held talks with Gary,, that if and when we want to argue, never do it in front of lil Becky NEVER, because, I don't want her to see that EVER
A mother IMO is your world, she is supposed to be, thats how I see it, so when someone hurts your mother, thats when you can't controll your feelings.
When i was 4 yrs old when it all happened, I dunno how I was supposed to react, I do know, he was 6 times my size and then some, I know he could well have killed me, because I was not strong enough, to take him, or his weight, unlike my mother, now that I am bigger, stronger, I can take him, maybe thats WHY I want my revenge!!!!!!!

This is not about the original post, but about many of the ensuing comments. Correctly, people point out that forgiving does not mean forgetting, or putting trust in a person again. Forgiveness does not involve forgoing common sense and good judgement.

However, at its heart forgiveness is not about doing some thing, or a favour for someone else. Forgiveness is all about doing good for yourself. Forgiveness takes away the power of the"aggressor" to hurt you, punish you or subconsciously direct your life any more. In forgiving someone you take away any residual power they have (even if only through your memories) to hurt you.

When you fail to forgive someone you hurt only yourself, and forgiveness of another is the ultimate empowerment of oneself, so it should never be seen as any form of weakness.

Forgiveness does not mean you will not also seek a just outcome for hurts against yourself, which is different to revenge.

Good job its not about my 1st post that tells my story, glad you said that

mhm. I'm honestly not sure BM. I personally think that after a certain point that apologies are meaningless. That someone would act in such a way in full knowledge of what they are doing means to me that any later appology is meaningless. No matter how they have reformed in the time. At the same time I realise how hard it can be to say Sorry meaningfully. And while I might not immediately forgive the person just because tehy said sorry it would be worthy of respect. And perhaps over time that would become forgiveness :/

But I really have to say that it is more of a case by case thing. It is difficult to talk about this in such an abstract manner.

If you don't mind AR, i want to give you a lil example lol

Pretend.....

Lets say you took some of my private PM's to others , then posted them in the forum, for all to see...And i saw this, and got so mad at you...so much so that I pulled you on it, asking you how would you like it done to you, then you did it again with one you left out...then that was the last straw, you violated my private messages for all to see and some rip appart...so thats it, I go to SaRuMaN, he is angered at you doing this, he deleats the PM you posted and gives you on hell of a warning....meanwhile, I no longer wish to bother with you...ur friendship was gone, out the window screw you AR LOL
Now i was hurt over you doing that...big time

Then thats when others get at you, telling you off, leting you know what you did was wrong, way out of order, and through your silly actions, you lost respect from SaRu and a number of members...further more you lost the friendship and tust from a friend....not to mention, how others would feel they didn't want to send you a PM incase you did it to them...this makes you feel so bad...you go off for a while....then later when all has calmed down, you see I am still knocking about the spirituality boards BMing away LOL - Then you take a deep breath, you PM me I've blocked you LOL cuz of what you did. ........so you email me (man didnt think of blocking that lol)-- and thats when you open up fully and tell me how you feel bad, and let me know how wrong it was of you, and how you wouldn't like it done to you...you are sorry.....................thats when I would think WOW he didnt have to apologize to me, its taken a lot of guts to do this, gee he must think something of me to do this, then I email you back saying...... - Thank you AR...I fully appreaciate it coming from you, ok i'll be friends again, but i will be careful LOL
Then you soon feel a lot better..all isnot lost, you slowly gain the respect you once had..and bingo..back to the norm!!!


Ok the above was just an example LOL its how I see that when someone goes all out...thats a sign of respect for you.......cuz remember there are those that think they are too good to apologize....those people I dont bother with

mhm

I honestly don't know Becky. If someone went so out of there way to apologise then I would like to think that I would be able to forgive them, but the fact is that I'm not so sure. As you said it is easy for someone to say sorry. The same way its easy for someone to say the forgive you. That doesn't necessarily mean they mean it. Though they themselves might be unaware of that until later.

i can surely understand why you have a problem forgiving your uncle...i am sure i would struggle with it myself....i have learned that not forgiving does a lot of damage to you both physically and mentally....i have also learned that to forgive does not mean that the other person is absolved from punishment...God has placed justice in this world and the people who we think get off scott free generally suffer hard when the truth comes out unless they are mentally insane whish is a form of payback....i feel really bad that you went through that when you were so young...it is devasting to a child to see adults at their worst....

randomhit10

Actually, if we're talking in Christian terms, as BM is.. the whole Bible is about how humans are evil and don't deserve to be forgiven.. and God gives them potential mercy and if they don't accept it he punishes them and doesn't forgive them for the crimes against God they supposedly committed before conception. Forgiveness is not something that is demonstrated in the Bible.

That being said, BM.. you don't always have to forgive someone. Maybe when that man comes and demonstrates he is truly sorry, but he did something very horrible, and even worse, he did it in front of two little kids. If he does not make an effort to be forgiven then he does not deserve to be. (I am not at all agreeing with the Bible in this manner, because how can being born be a sin? Maybe if there were a God in existence, and he were a complete tyrant.. that would make sense).