Hello UM!!

This is my first post on here, however, I have been "lurking" and reading MANY a thread. I respect *most* of the opinions on these forums and look forward to putting in my two cents whenever I can.

I have been struggling with my feelings as of late, and have come to terms with the fact that I am an atheist. It does not bother me that I have become an atheist...what bothers me is telling family and friends. I dont suspect that my wife will take the news very well, and I can already see conflicts in parenting style.

This may not even be the right forum for this sort of thing, sorry if that is the case. I like the atheist's in these forums and thought they would be a great resource for handling this sort of thing. I was just hoping to hear how some of you told your loved ones and if it was really as "hard" as I am making it out to be??

Thanks In Advance!

DHester

Welcome to UM DHESTER!!

Welcome to the forum.
If I may, it sounds like you did at one point, as your wife seems to, follow religious teachings? What if anything made you decide that you felt more Athiest than religious?

Hiya DHester22 ... I've only been on this board a couple of weeks myself... so welcome.

As for the appropriatness of your post... welll... our relationship with - and perception of - the world around us must surely rank as the ultimate "unexplained mystery", and the ultimate voyage. I think your post is well made and entirely appropriate.

I don't have any answers... but then.... I'm only a Cat

Meow Purr.

*short answer* hmm.... It just makes more sense in my head that there is no god. I am 100% comfortable dealing with the fact that I think we are just a product of evolution. Whats my purpose in life? To Live...

thanks hairston, thanks cat!

Thanks for the answer. I feel that way too.

Welcome to the forum.

I guess the difficulty depends on your family. If you are surrounded by a familiy of fundementalists then I guess it could be interesting to say the least, but if the loved ones around you are on more of an even keel then I think that an open conversation of why you think what you do would be able to be an open exchange. Explaining what you believe, how it has changed your values(if at all) and assuring them that because you are an athiest that you wont be sacrificing a goat in the back yard in the midst of a burning pentogram might be good...

You will have to work with your spouse to come to a fair agreement regarding the children in a fashion that both of you are happy with, but that is what marriage is all about...

Thanks for the reply fluffy! I find this: "family of fundementalists" to be the case. All persons related to me directly, or even through marriage are all very religious. My wife is not very religious in a sense that we dont attend church or pray or anything. I know that she "believes" though....

Yo!
I would come out right before football season starts!.....hold off for a while......B







halfhandshuffle:alien ant farm:SC
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hxeNZOLNh4c

The only ones that counts is your wife and kids.

Extended family is just that; extended. Parents realize that when kids grow up they get to make their own choices; religion being one of them. If it is too much for them to handle then their may have to be a cooling off period where you spend a bit of time apart to allow them to prioritize whether or not it is such an issue that they are not going to be able to interact with you in a civil manner. Tell them if it is a deal breaker; that it is such a big deal they are going to have a hard time dealing with you then you may have to spend time apart until cooler heads prevail.

The only matter you have to be concerned with is that you and your wife can come to a conclusion that makes both of you satisfied, which is just a matter of negotiations like everything else and it is always possible to do that so don't worry.

Don't let parents and in-laws try to run (or ruin) your life; remember, their relationship with you is at your control, not theirs. If they are going to do things that cause undue stress on your family then they need to step back and figure out if they wish to be a part of your life.

I am speaking from my experience, so you can take it for what it is worth

Welcome dhester22. I'm not really an atheist, more of agnostic at this point. I too had fundamentalist relatives so I have a question for you. In my personal experience with my relatives, if you didn't go to their Church or one exactly like it (which consisted of very few churches) you were considered non Christian and constantly preached to.

Is this the case for you as well? And if you don't mind me prying, exactly how religious is your wife? Does she just kind of believe in God because she was taught to, or does she read the Bible, ponder the 10 commandments, pray, teach the kids about the Bible, etc.?

Fluff...All very good points! I'm somewhat fortunate in that I dont have to deal with very much family. My wife and I live quite a ways away from both of our family so thats a "good" thing. When it comes down to it I agree that the wife and kids are really all that matters. You have given me some good ideas on how to approach the whole situation, thanks!

Uhmanduh,

The only family that I really have to deal with is my grandmother-in-law. She is always trying to get us to go to church, she mentions it all the time. My sister is always sending me religious publications and what not. I am an orphan, and my wife only has her mother left, who is very far away. Sounds a lot different then the situation you had to put up with.

My wife does not put forth any effort at all into religion. Just whenever there has been any kind of conversation she has said she believed.

Yes, your situation is quite different, which I really think is a good thing personally. I agree with Fluffybunny that the only people who really matter as far as your beliefs go, is your wife and kids.

I think that as you discuss your beliefs with your wife, it may be good for her as well. It sounds as if she is kind of neither here nor there, believing but not knowing why. Not that I have the right to question her beliefs as I have never talked to her, but it might be good for her too as far as having a more proactive approach to belief.

Welcome DHester to UM Forum.

Truth is elusive to those of who refuse to seek it with both eyes wide open........and yours are wide open.

happened to me too....heh I dont even go to church anymore.....just do the studying on my own

Don't worry about it Dhester. From the looks of things, you're becoming a majority anyhow. It is a well known fact that atheists reproduce faster than fruit flies on this [something] forsaken rock.

I think its a great situation to be in since now you can truly let your children decide for themselves. For example you can discuss with your children as they begin to have their own spiritual awareness- "your mother believes this .........................because .............., however your father believes this.............. because.......... then ask your children what to you think? Just remember to support them and let them express their own belief systems

Welcome dhester22!
As to your question about telling your relatives you're atheist... do not expect them to fully understand or connect with your perspective, just as you don't fully understand or connect with theirs. But, find the common ground in each of your beliefs, respect their beliefs--- don't be critical or confrontational towards their religion, just be confident in what you believe without being cynical. My family members are Christian, we have a lot of morals in common and we respect and love each other. They know me as person, they might not agree or understand my particular perspectives, but they trust that I know and understand what is best for myself... and I feel the same about them too. Its all about trust and respect. If you give that to them, then you've done your part... if they can't return in kind, then they have the problem.

Why is it necessary to inform everyone you know and love of your new found 'beliefs'? or Lack of Beliefs?

You might want to do a search of some of the Creationist vs Evolutionist threads...there are many. They all lead to one conclusion...nothing one way or the other can be proven...one way or the other. Therefore, whatever you believe is whatever you believe and most probably incorrect. Welcome to the forum.

I agree with joc and Arty welcome to Um and your beleifs are your trip, who cares who approves , IMO the best you can do for yourself is get comfortable being unpopular .... Freedom begins there IMO.....Needing approval is such a monkey on ones back ...

Exactly! The thing is ....you aren't going to get approval...what you most certainly will get is...exactly what is in the Creationist vs Evolutionist threads I was talking about...you're wrong, no you're wrong, no you're wrong, no you're wrong....it isn't a mistake to believe what you believe...it is a mistake however IMO to announce it to the world...because then it becomes a badge of honor you must defend...hence...you're wrong, no you're wrong...and why subject your children to such nonsense? Allow them the chance to at least try and figure some things out on their own....and family bickering over Religious Issues will only confuse the hell out of them. If you are secure in your beliefs...then you don't need to wear your beliefs as a Badge of Honor...but you do whatever you want...it's your life bro. Know in advance though that it will become a civil war between you and your spouse and you will lose the war my friend.

'sup D. I say just take a breath, look 'em in the eye, and tell it how it is (one at a time rather than assembling everyone in a large group ). If your friends disown you for choosing this way of thinking, then they weren't really friends to begin with.
Your wife is trickier since you have to live with her. As for any difficulty in rearing the children, the key is the same as a relationship if you both believed the same way, compromise. Remember that you have to be willing to bend in order to expect your wife to be willing to bend.

I agree my friend Joc, very well said...Exceptance begins and ends with the self its the gift one gives to themsleves and as you pointed out few give this to themsleves so they can't give it to others, we can read spost after post of this..........i say focus on self exceptance and when you have that mastered you won't care one bit who thinks what you will truly be livng then, using your time far more effectively....who cares what anyone thinks of you but you...as simplistic this is its profoundly wise ...

Or you could do what I do and not make a big deal out of it, since it seems that religion isn't a big influence in your wifes life, as it's not in my husbands. The subject never really comes up. *shrugs*

Edit:Basically what joc said.

Well, I've never had that problem as I grew up in an atheist family. But I'd say it'd be a lot easier to tell them you simply 'don't believe anymore'...I've always found the word 'atheist' rather harsh and a bit derogatory.

Might be a bit easier for them to hear.

It's funny that. My mum, when she first told her sister-in-law that she was an atheist, rocked the poor woman's world just by uttering the word. Her sister-in-law couldn't separate atheist from "immoral Satan worshipper" for some reason. For her it was a case of either being for God or waging war against him. When my mum explained that she simply "didn't believe" the whole thing made a lot more sense to her sister-in-law.

Why does the word "atheist" make people go and then think of the ?

My mum brought me up to find my own way, and my family's a mixed bunch... non-believers and believers all thrown in together... and somehow she managed to inform me so I could find my path without ever explaining why she didn't believe or why my grandfather did. They all moved the information away from the personal and taught me various things in the same way they teach you at school. Your art teacher can teach about Impressionism without having to explain why Manet is his favourite painter, if you see what I mean. It wasn't until I was quite grown up that my mum explained her true feelings... when she felt I was old enough to listen without being swayed.

WELCOME TO UM

I find it hard to tell any of my family I don't believe in the bible...when i did, my dad had a pop at me and could see him getting angered a lil..and he snapped back - "So are you one of these Athesits now?...I said NO< I still believe in God, only I chose to do so in my OWN way,k and my way dont have a book to follow, I follow God how I CHOSE to.............after a few rants threw at me (so well used to it)..he said - FINE...........my mother on the other hand calls me Daughter of Satan LMAO..i said - really?? well then you must be Satan, I am your daughter after all (in a joking sense)..she don't like it, cuz she is a born again chrsitian...my dad is Catholic, but one of these catholics that dont set foot inside a church, only if someone has died, or getting married....to me that makes him a hypocrite....and yea I told him so...again I got snarled at...and I said...if you want to preach at me Dad? go and start being a propper catholic then...do what you like, I made my choices...just like you
I KNOW fine well if i had of been still living at home with my mom and dad...they would NOT allow me to think and act like I do now...I was MADE go to church every single Sunday...forced to go...they would have preached the bible every night at 6pm...for an hour...back in the days when my mom was catholic too

When my mom had a pop at me for my beliefs...i then said -- See you cant seem to stick to the one faith...you jump to another, I say, if you cannot practice ONE chrsitian faith, then why practice any other one...hey they all follow the same guy...Jesus...after all I recall years ago when you be-friended an Indian lady..you where thinking of her religion too....you be-friend a few born again people and bingo you are one of them....MUM if a muslim be-friended you..you would run off to be one of them...you cant seem to stick to just one faith....so don't preach to me...she had nothing to say appart from - get out Daughter of Satan LMAO...good ole mum...when stuck for a come back...just call any one of us Satans kids...that should teach us LMAO...she is harmless though...I love her regardless

So now I still feel a bit off telling my beliefs in person...heck if i where to meet a lot of the regular posters on here, in one big room...I think I would be the quiet one in the back ground LOL....its too easy to sit on here and say it when behind a monitor....too easy...but face to face...I'd prolly say nothing ...

Thanks, everyone, for your input on the matter! My goal is not to "announce" my non-beliefs to family members. I am just tired of "pretending" whenever anything is brought up. I guess I am stuck between "Okay, everyone, here is the deal" and letting my belief's "surface" whenever I am presented with a situation that calls for it.

I agree! Even for myself growing up the term "atheist" was associated with devil worshiping and cults. I really hope I get my dark hood and cloak soon!

Wishing you the best of luck...lets hope you dont get what I got..ranted at and called Spawn of Satan LMAO

D:

I was a Christian for over 20 years and have been a (self confessed) 'non-believer' for a number of years now. It took a while for family and friends to adjust but if they truly hold you dear (as mine did) their feelings will not change.

Here is a tidbit of info that will be a surprise for a few here given my attitude!

I work at a inner city Christian based Ministry (computer lab and IT) and it took a few months before the Pastors (Pastor James and Pastor Barb) became comfortable with my lack of belief in the Christian faith. I am and have been a trusted staff member and am well liked and respected in the community.

You are who you are.

BRILLIANT POST Zannie....you are who you are...its whats inside of you that matters

being a part of a faith (meaning any)..doesnt make you the person you are...IMO

People with faiths (meaning SOME) can be just as rotten and ignorant as SOME without...

WHY??/ cuz they are who they are