A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.
-Quote off the Internet


Blind people don't bungee jump. It scares the dog too much.
-Quote off the Internet


I have a full-size map of the world. At the bottom it says '1 inch = 1 inch'. I hardly ever unroll it.
-Quote off the Internet

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, 'Got any shoes you're not using?'
-Steven Wright

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, 'I think I might have written that.'
-Steven Wright

Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars I thought 'Where the hell is the ceiling?'.
-Quote off the Internet

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
-Steven Wright

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child....eventually.
-Steven Wright


Some people say I am a terrible person, I'm not, I have the heart of a young boy, in a jar, on my desk.
-Stephen King

Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
-Quote off the Internet

Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
-Quote off the Internet

I've got to say that third one is my favorite

Steven Wright is one of my favorite comics.

"I have a very extensive sea shell collection. Perhaps you've seen it. I keep in beaches all over the world."

"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"


Great stuff Kismit!

i like the one bout ringin death's door bell....i saw that on a t-shirt once

Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
-Quote off the Internet