Can You Love Your Neighbor If You Hate Yourself?
The ability to love ourselves is the foundation of loving others and God.
By Brennan Manning

Excerpted from: 'The Importance of Being Foolish' with permission from HarperSanFrancisco.

Two curious phenomena dapple Christian life in America today. The first is our tendency to criticize more than compliment. Listen in on conversations in coffee shops, living rooms, and churches. Pay attention to the pundits and the newsmakers. We tend not only to begrudge the value of others but to appear downright sad when a person is praised. Many hypercritical Christians quickly deny the presence of any value anywhere and overemphasize the dark and ugly aspects of a person, situation, or institution at the expense of their noble and valuable facets. They delight in exposing the flaws and imperfections of others and glory in the absence of goodness. Senator William Fulbright of Arkansas once commented on this insidious tendency in the news media: "That Puritan self-righteousness which is never far below the surface of American life has broken through the frail barriers of civility and restraint, and the press has been in the vanguard of the new aggressiveness."
The target may be the national government, the local police force, or the coffee shop waitress. It matters little. The focus is on the limits of reality, on what a person or institution is not. Shortcomings and character defects are cause for celebration because they allow us to feel superior and even noble. On the day of my ordination my father said to me, "Remember that it's impossible to overestimate the worth of anyone." His words fly in the face of our tendency to underestimate the worth of everyone.

The second phenomenon is not unrelated to the first. It is what might be called the preponderance of the negative self-esteem. Self-esteem consists of how we see ourselves reflected in the eyes of others. This in turn conditions our perception of the world and our interaction with the community. As Christians, those of us with negative self-esteem see ourselves as basically unlovable. We negate our own worth, are haunted by feelings of inadequacy and inferiority, and close ourselves off from the value of others because they threaten our existence. The exaltation of another is experienced as a personal attack. When a colleague is appreciated, we become upset and irritable, belittle their motives as vainglorious, and decry the perniciousness of personality cults. We say to ourselves in effect: "I am a clod, a wrong person; I'm in the way, nobody cares." In group gatherings we feel like intruders. We sigh, "Nobody loves me."

Negative self-esteem would not be so damaging except for the fact that we interact with others in terms consistent with our own self-image. We select from reality only those aspects that confirm our own dim view of ourselves. We single out the dimension of a situation that points to rejection. In a simple conversation with someone close to us, their lack of enthusiasm confirms what we already suspect: "I am a bore." On the street we pass a person whom we value. He ignores us. That night when we go to bed we ignore the pleasant, even beautiful experiences of the day and instead go to sleep dwelling on the one incident that enhanced our negative self-portrait. Consequently, every such encounter becomes a total proof or disproof of our entire being. Every incident becomes a blanket condemnation of self and a reaffirmation of worthlessness.

In order to love our neighbors as ourselves we must come to recognize our intrinsic worth and dignity and to love ourselves in the wholesome, appreciative way that Jesus commanded when he said, "Love your neighbor as yourself." The tendency to continually berate ourselves for real or imaginary failures, to belittle ourselves and underestimate our worth, to dwell exclusively on our dishonesty, self-centeredness, and lack of personal discipline, is the influence of our negative self-esteem. Reinforced by the critical feedback of our peers and the reproofs and humiliations of our community, we seem radically incapable of accepting, forgiving, or loving ourselves. In his opening address at the regional charismatic conference in Atlantic City, New Jersey, Father Francis McNutt touched an exposed nerve when he said, "If Jesus Christ has forgiven you all your sins and washed you in his own blood, what right do you have not to forgive yourself?
The ability to love oneself is the root and foundation of our ability to love others and to love God. I can tolerate in others only what I can accept in myself. Van Kaam writes, "Gentleness toward my fragile precious self as called forth uniquely by God constitutes the core of gentleness with others and with the manifold created appearances of the Divine in my surroundings. It is also a main condition for my presence to God."

Ironically, our self-loathing too often leads us to damage the self-esteem of others. Andrew Greeley writes:
God's mission in the world and his mission in his relationship with the individual believer is essentially a mission of overcoming self-hatred. For self-hatred is a barrier to love. We hate other people not because we love ourselves too much but because we are not able to love ourselves enough. We fear and distrust them because we feel inadequate in our relationships to them; we hide behind anger and hatred because in some deep recess of our personality we do not think we are good enough for them. (Source)

If I might comment, I think that there is a connection between low self-esteem and dislike of others, but that perhaps it runs in the other direction, that dislike of others often brings low self-esteem. Some people are quite content with themselves but not with others, the narcissists, the egotistical. In extreme cases the intolerant and the bigots, they dislike others so much that everyone must be like them.

Self love doesn't turn into love of others. But an egoless love of others will eventually echo back into self-esteem, as one realizes that the self is someone else's "others".

Some things about the human race that are so implicit that no one asks "why?" - Why do people of means choose to live apart from others or even alone? - Why don't people freely enjoy the company of anyone who isn't being offensive? (why must there always be a reason to associate) - Why is there always the need to dominate and control, to USE others, or else there's no reason to know them? - why must arguments always be "won"? -Why do people hate the presence of others so much that they don't even want to see the human body unless sex is involved?

I think this hatred of other humans is the absolute cause of the war and violence. It doesn't take much excuse or motivation to kill others when they basically hate everyone else anyways.

There is a connection no doubt. The cause of low self-esteem and the cause of dislike of others are the same...thus...a connection. The Cause is a Negative Thought Process. First comes the negative thought process, out of the negative thought process creeps low self-esteem, and from a sense of worthlessness comes jealousy. From Jealousy comes dislike of others.

That sums it up. Everyone, please send me $150...it will greatly help my Positive Thought Process which will improve my self-esteem, and because I will be liking myself more...I'll like you more.

And , you'll be at least $150. richer!

And then you'll take us all to dinner and.....

The question then begs: How do we love ourselves? The answer is simple: By knowing ourselves.

What is "ourselves" or our self? This is the question that philosophy, religion and even science have been trying to answer for hundreds to thousands of years. Some branches claim they already know and know how it can be applied to show its empiricalness. How are we then to know if it is true or not for ourselves? I guess try out each method until you feel the love.

"Bind nothing, let there be no difference made among you between any one thing and any other thing, for thereby there cometh hurt ..."

Phht...

I just hate everyone. Saves me the hassle.

.... But whoso availeth in this, let him be the Chief of all."

From, "The Child of Therion"

Love is the law, love under will. A friend is a member of The Order of the Thelemic Golden Dawn, and shared a copy with me a long time ago.

Great bit of reading there.

Thanks for that, I was wondering who said that quote. Cool quote I must admit.

And the text of the entire piece, is cool too!


Excerpt:
For ages it has been a weakness and restriction among the various religions of the world to expect a chosen one to appear, a great king or messiah who shall save the people and give them freedom or some other favor of the gods. It is and has been a major part of religious thinking and believing. Even in the Religion of Thelema we find a similar expectation concerning a prophecy in Liber Legis about the Child of Therion. Many claim to be this Child, but excluding others in their self-assumption. They literally isolate themselves in a world of megalomania, cutting off their conscious link to the Universal Nature of Life itself. For those of us who are initiated in the Wisdom of Thelema, we know that All is the Child, that there is no difference. We are all the Child of Therion and we all have the right to be and proclaim this inmost truth. It is only natural for one to do so when enlightened. But such a right does not entail that we exclude others from the same right. On the contrary, we include all in our Self-Realization...... (continues)



Source: The Thelemic Order of the Golden Dawn

ya, Silver is my neighbor, I hate her too.

Wanna meet for a drink at the Central next weekend? (I've got a Childrens Ortho event to go to this weekend)

hahahaha.

I am happy with myself, I always have been. I have never felt the need to belittle another to raise myself up above them in order to feel better about who I am. I do not envy the posessions or abilities of another, and I do not hope they fail to make my success seem greater. I have no trouble celebrating the good fortune of others, or the abilities of others, or the accomplishments of others. It's all good. When I look at myself in the mirror I think I'm a wonderful creation... how can I not think that? How could I believe there is a Creator and then not think very highly of his creation? I love every hair on my head, just as I should. I'm marvellous.

This is not vanity. I am simply honouring the Creator's creation. I cannot understand how anyone can consider the god they believe in to be worthy of worship if they do not consider his creation worthy of the same admiration.

If you love someone...and I mean really love someone...you wouldnt condem them...ever

I believe you have to love yourself, BEFORE you learn to love anyone else

That would be most awsome. I think firdaynight I might be going out with classmates. So satyrday would be the bestest time. X) (Yes.. I renamed saturday satyrday >.> Don't ask)

and thursday, Thorsday?

Beautifully said!