Let's see how long this thread lasts...LOL.
I am ever so paranoid of the mods. LOL.
But anyway, here's the deal...
A couple-three months ago, my wife cheated on me and took off. Y'all know the story, I've whined about it enough -- sorry about that, by the way.
Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago when I meet someone. She's wonderful, pretty sweet, funny. Just one complication...she's married. So I am thinking, "Oh cool, new friend!" My intentions are entirely innocent. We zing e-mails around, talk on the phone, hang out when we can, and uh oh happens. Now it is "friends with benefits", which would morally bother me, except that her husband cheated on her, and their marriage is failing.
Now, if I had treated my wife like garbage and she took off, OK, I couldn't take any kind of moral high ground here. But I think I can, since I treated my wife like a Queen, just as I do any woman I am involved with, while my friend's husband has done her wrong. I know two wrongs don't make a right, but I do not feel I am being hypocritical by going from the guy who was cheated on, to the other guy in this situation, as some of my other 'friends' have accused me of doing.
And y'all, don't hold back. I'm not looking to start a fight, just trying to understand the position of some of my 'friends'. I should be obvious by now that what someone thinks of me doesn't matter much to me anyway.

I think you did the right damn thing. Give people what they deserve! You're not only helping yourself get over your wife, but you're helping your "friend" cope with her husband cheating on her! And not only that, you're giving him what he deserves! I don't see any negetives in this from a logical stand point.

whos to say she wont cheat on you? You both are cheaters so maybee youll be a good match. I wouldnt get to emotionally involved if your going to be living like that.

It's not about being a hypocrite. What her husband has or has not done is not really up to you judge, unless you're actually asked to.

You of all people should know better...

You know how it feels to be cheated on when you are still married. What if she is just using you to get back at her husband? The decision is hers and what will happen if she forgives her husband and goes back to him? How will you feel then? You have to ask her if she is serious and leave the choice up to her if she will leave her husband, until then she is still married full stop. If the husband finds out about your 'involvement' then it is going to turn into a very horrible situation...

Kinda ironic though don't you think? Anyway this is my advice take it or leave it.

Star

P.S. I voted that you are a hypocrite but this is assuming that you are going ahead with everything and not doing any of the above...
I do hope that you come right and offer my humblest appologies if there is more to the story than what you posted...

Oh trust me, the situation could get really ugly, if I stepped back and considered all the connections we all have between us. But I'm not thinking that far ahead, I'm just rolling with the flow. If it all blows up, it all blows up. I just want someone to laugh with right now, and she's perfect for that. I don't think she would leave her husband and I don't want her to. They have kids together and those kids should have parents. But he isn't doing his duty as a husband by cheating on her, and I think there is a little emotional abandonment in there too, so I look at it like I am actually doing good by being bad and giving her something that makes her happy.
And my understanding of how it feels to be cheated on is part of my connection with my friend. I understand how she feels right now. If it hurts her cheating husband or not, I could care less, as far as I am concerned he gets what he deserves for not catching on to what he had and treating it properly. That's where I see the difference between me being cheated and me being the other guy. I took care of my business, spoiled my wife rotten and gave her all my attention and she still cheated on me. My friend was pregnant with this idiot's kid and he was sleeping around. I'd like to brain him with a tire iron, actually. He gives guys a bad name, and I guess some might say I am too, but I don't believe that. Like I said, I think, in a way, I am actually doing a good deed.
No need to apologize. I told y'all to let me have it. LOL. Didn't expect anyone to pull punches. LOL.

I voted "yes" you are a hypocrit, but just for fun coz I really dont know much of you. As you said, it can really get ugly if this guy finds out. Keep in mind that this guys have kids, I bet this kids woudnt like having their parents divorsed so I think that you should saty away and let them sort this out between them because after all, they are stil married. I know you need someone to talk to but if you get too involved in her matrimony then it could get even more ugly. Or are you trying to confort her because of her husband cheating on her? Does she even know?

Not explicitly. I mean, if I can make her feel like the Queen of the World, like she deserves to feel, for a night, I'm all for that. And yes, she knows.

To me the worst thing a person can do to themselves is BE the person that interferes with someone elses marriage.

Sex has nothing to do with it. You shouldn't have crossed over to being something for her that her husband wasn't.

Its not about "cheating" per se, its about honor, and your own sense of dignity. I think everyone has at one point been in a position where they could easily cross a line.

You need to ask yourself if you can be that kind of person. As I said, sex has nothing to do with it. When a marriage has a problem, like Mr. Man is not giving her enough attention, and you step in a fill that void, it creates a situation that stops the marriage from growing.

Marriage is a journey together, not a system that you live in.

I think you should be ashamed of yourself for what you have done to yourself, way before you worry about what you have done to anyone else.

Are you a hypocrite? Not really. You're just a fool to throw away your dignity for the momentary and cheap thrill of doing what you did.

And I doubt very much that the woman is going to leave her husband.


(Not judging you btw, just my honest answer)

I picked the bag of hammers. I think you did too since you offered it as an option.

And you know I appreciate honesty, true. So no worries.
I thought long and hard about everything you mentioned before I let it it go any farther than friends. I came to the conclusion that I could follow my head and stay out of it, try to climb up to some moral high ground or I could do what I have been doing since I can remember and follow my instincts that said to just let things happen. My instincts have been wrong exactly twice in my life: they are called ex-wives. 2 times out of thousands? Yeah, I'll gamble on those odds.
I also came to the conclusion I mentioned above, that I am not a hypocrite or any kind of negative person because I wasn't the same sort of guy that interfered in my marriage. He wandered in unannounced, going so far as to come to my house and pick my wife up and take her away. I'm not going to do that. I'm not even going to try and steal her. Am I going to try and give her a little happiness? Yes, but because I think the world of her as a person and that she deserves it. Should I be the one to do it? No, that's her husband's job. But if he isn't, I'm not going to leave her miserable.
Trust me, I understand perfectly your point. If I caught the guy who interfered in my marriage in a dark alley, they'd never find his body. And I expect my friend's husband to feel the same way, were he to ever find out. I would only hope that he would do the same thing I did after my wife cheated: look in the mirror and ask himself, "Is this my fault?" I could answer. "No" to that. He has only himself to blame. That's what opens the door for my reasoning, I guess. I don't look at it as interfering since he already screwed the pooch before I came along. I'm just the clean-up crew. LOL.

No, my answer is a little more complex. All though there are moments where I laugh at myself over this.

Unfortunately, I vote that you are a hypocrite. I also think you are doing what EVERY cheater does, which is to justify why it's not really that wrong of you. I'm sure that's what your wife was doing when she was cheating on you. I mean, I know you say you treated her like a queen, but I bet she has a dozen reasons why it was okay for her to do it too. I'm not saying it's your fault she cheated. I'm saying she had HER reasons just like you do now as to why it was somehow justified.

I have been cheated on by two different men and it is a HORRIBLE feeling. I always say that I'm going to stop being the good one and I'm going to cheat on the next guy, but I can't do it. I couldn't live with myself knowing that I would be one of the people inflicting that intense pain and heartache on another woman. I've never cheated and I never will. I just can't bring myself to stoop to the level of someone that does something that hurtful. Then I would be the hypocrite.


The bottom line is whether you're male or female....

If you can't commit or want to sleep around STAY SINGLE! If you're in a relationship and you have no self control, LEAVE! It's really not that hard of concept.

Hey Zero,
I'm not going to judge you because its not my job, but you never mention that you love the woman...

I'd say (and did) that you're just being dumber than a bag of hammers.

This isn't healthy for anyone, not the woman, you, the kids, your friends, family etc...

This is a NO win situation. It's fun now, but it won't stay that way and someone(s) is going to be devistated.

Break it off man. Do the right thing. You being involved with her is just like True says, you're contributing to her inability to do the right thing in her marriage -- either filing for a divorce or working it out. Step off and let her figure it out. If she divorces, great, you can pick it up then. If not, you still did the right thing.

Leaving it off is a win win... going forward with this mess will absolutely be a lose lose.

All I'll say is...'What goes around, comes around.'

Well, you've both been cheated on... I think it's about time for you two to be happy... It's just a shame that the woman who cheated on you left. Otherwise she could get a taste of it.

Exactly! This is Karma coming back around. Come back on him for what he did to her, and to me for being cheated on myself, and finally being able to exact revenge on the useless half of the male gender. Ha! So never thought of it like that.
And I know, you didn't mean it that way.

Well, my ex's sister is one of my best friends, so I am sure she has heard. Heh heh heh. Twist the knife...

:::Looking around for the "Yes, you're a hypocrite and Yes, you're dumber than a bag of hammers" option:::

I usually don't try to judge others--but since you've put this on a community forum and asked for input, I can speak from experience, man, you're doing the wrong thing. Seems like you're running in a million different places because you've been hurt so bad.

Take some time off from romance. Lick your wounds for a while without taking anyone else down with you. Try to make yourself happy--get happy in your own skin--and then maybe you'll be able to invest yourself emotionally into another relationship that has a future.

Lol.

Sorry to hear about the whole thing to begin with, but hey, I guess any bad thing can lead to something good

That is exactly what I intended to do. Take some time off, clear my head, zen out. Was starting to get the feel of it after a couple of months...
And then I met her, one of those people you click so well with it is audible.
As far as the running because I am hurt thing....I've thought that over, too. Doesn't seem to have much to do with it. If I was, I would have done some really retarded things already. God knows I've had the chance. But I passed on them because I wasn't looking for anything. This, ah, just too much for me to fight.
I have been happier in my own skin lately. Granted it is not the skin I wanted or thought I would have, but I'm rolling with it.
That's what drives me bonkers about my friends calling me a hypocrite about this. I don't see how I am for one, and two shouldn't my friends be happy I am happy? The few that aren't jumping me on this are rooting me on, and I love them dearly for it.

That is kind of what I am thinking. While the jury is still out on whether it will be something good or bad in the end, right now it makes me laugh more than I have in two and a half months. The few friends that haven't stopped talking to me have even commented on that.

Yeah, I used all sorts of mind games and justifications to excuse myself, too. But when you come down to it, you're going to end up hurting again, and possibly hurting someone else.

If she's worth it--wait it out. Wait until she makes sure that there is nothing left of her marriage. Let her give it a good try, or she may regret it later. If you stay in the picture now, it will only mess her up more.

Then, if her marriage still falls apart, you'll be there. (If you really care.)

I know you won't do this--you're running by the seat of your pants and have given up. This is obvious from your other threads. Simply satisfying yourself now won't replace the work you have to do--fixing what's broken inside. Finding the place God wants you to be. Sooner or later, it will catch up with you.

I'll pray for you. (Even if you don't want prayers.) What ya' don't know can't hurt you, right?

If you really don't care what anyone thinks, then why are you asking?

If your conscience is not bothering you, then why do you need to ask these questions?

If there really is no right or wrong, why does it matter, shouldn't you just do what feels good to you and whatever consequences this has on anyone else is their problem not yours?

You're right about the seat of the pants part. I never have a plan. I've always just winged it. Which is part of the reason I get into things like this, I just accept life as it comes most of the time. b**** about the bad, then laugh about it along with the good a couple of years later. I feel if I have a plan, that it restrains me. Keeps me from experiencing the absolute lunatic fun life can be.
And I always appreciate prayers. People like me need all the help they can get.

Because I want to know why a majority of my "friends" have either flat out stopped talking to me or called me a hypocrite over this. I may not care what they think, but I do want to understand it.

Sorry, bud...anyway you look at it, you are a hypocrite. (According to our common definition of the term.)

No sugar-coating, justifications or excuses will make that go away.

If you're okay with that--then fine. Nothing we can say will make a difference, anyway.

If you're not--you know what you have to do.

I picked Yes you are a hypocrite, and also...who cares? You're happy. It is you and you alone who will suffer the consequences if and when things do go wrong, therefore leaving only yourself to blame.

I am just not getting the hypocrite thing, I guess.
My definition of a hypocrite is someone who says one thing then does the opposite.
Does the fact that the two situations are different just not matter to people?

Okay..I'll try to explain why you appear to be a hypocrite.

You've just divorced your second wife because she was cheating on you. You've been on the forum for some time discussing how hurt/upset you are because she was unfaithful. You've mentioned that your first wife did the same to you--and you're feeling a bit victimized by the situation (in different words, but we got the idea.)

Now you're an accomplice in helping a wife be unfaithful to her husband. Remember how you felt about your wives' lovers? You are pretty much the bad guy in the picture--get it? It's not rocket science. Probably not what you want to hear, though.

Listen, I'm not judging you. I've been in your shoes, and I regret it to this day. I wish others could learn from my mistakes--it would save a whole lot of people! (I've made many mistakes.) Because I've been there, I know how tough it is. I know how people get hurt. Don't be a user, and don't be what you hated.

Just my opinion, though--since you asked!

And I appreciate your answer. I think I see where people can see things that way. But empty justification or not, the situations just aren't the same to me. I never did anything to my wives -- like cheating on them when they are pregnant -- to show them that they didn't matter. I guess that is how I view myself differently than the latest chode that butted into my life: He wandered in to my life where he didn't belong, without any kind of provocation on my part. My friend's husband pretty much is getting what he deserves, since we really can't take him down and feed him to the gators.
That part is central to my thinking, while others dismiss it. Too central I guess, since I have a hard time figuring out why others can't see it.
But I got ya. Thanks for your reply.

But don't you see--you're judging this guy. Maybe that's what your wives' lovers were saying to themselves--"he's always gone, playing poker, not taking care of business"...see, its all subjective. Maybe your wives were telling their lovers that you were cheating on them--it's happened before. Women can tell their lovers lots of things to help ease their guilty conscience.

Maybe this woman is wonderful with you--she treats you like you want to be treated. You're new in the relationship, when everyone is on their best behavior. Maybe part of the problem in her marriage is her, too. Maybe she isn't all she's cracked up to be.

I know I'm really stretching here, but it is to make a point. You don't REALLY know what is going on between the two of them. You only know what she tells you. You only know rumor. And you're using that to justify yourself in getting what you want now.

I had a "friend." I would tell him that my husband never pays attention to me, he doesn't love me, he never listens to me, that he has an anger problem, that doesn't care about my needs--I told him the whole ten yards. Why? Because I thought it was true. But while I had my friend, I wasn't communicating with my husband. I wasn't working out our problems. I wasn't being his wife. I wasn't standing by him like I vowed I would. And when my husband found out, he was terribly, terribly hurt. I found out how much he loved me, and how much I loved him. I found out just how much I hurt him. I will never hurt him again.

I regret what I did to this very day. It sickens me that I did what I did, even though I had some serious medical problems at the time that clouded my decisions. It still doesn't excuse the pain I caused my husband.

This is a no-win situation the way it stands. But I guess you'll have to find that out on your own.

I understand that. But some of the information I got from outside sources, so I trust it. And I don't look at it as a no win situation. There's about an equal chance between it blowing up in my face, and the stupidity actually pulling it out, call it 10/10. The other 80, ah, it just ends and I am left with happy memories, since for the first time in my life I'm into something with no expectations.
But thanks for the advice Howdy, and who knows, if I ever do grow up, I might agree with you. But me growing up is fairly doubtful. LOL.

Understood!

LOL. I know you wanted to say: "Obvious!" LOL.

At least your husband gave you another chance. I'm the one who's gotten cheated on in my relationships and I don't give second chances anymore. I applaud the fact that you actually seem to genuinely regret what you did and I'm sure your husband saw that too. Gives me hope that people can realize a mistake and change. Unfortunately, I think "Never Hit Nirvana" is not hearing anyone's advice on this.

I'm listening, and I appreciate all the advice. Like I said before, I simply have made it a habit to trust my instincts in any kind of volatile situation. I have found if I stop to try and find out where the moral high ground is, or what is 'right' or 'wrong' things get messy and I usually end up unhappy. So I wing it. Seems to have worked all right for me so far, so why change it? I don't feel like a hypocrite in this situation, and do not see how I can be one. Y'all's responses have made me think about it more and all that has done is reaffirm my own idea that the situation with my wife and this situation are different.
But I still do appreciate the efforts y'all make.

Pandora--I'm sorry you had to experience this; it's heartbreaking. I am very lucky and grateful to my husband for forgiving me (he does not forgive easily). Of course, you must realize that there were problems in our marriage--serious ones--which we have worked on together.

This experience taught me humility--I thought I was beyond this type of behavior. It taught me tolerance of other's mistakes. It increased my wisdom and made me more forgiving of others who wrong me. I learned many lessons through this, so did my husband. But I would never want to go through that again for anything.

That's why I can't condemn NHN--but I wish I could stop him from making the same horrible mistake I made. I could easily justify my behavior like he seems to be doing--my husband wasn't blameless and he has some serious problems--but I won't, because nothing can justify the pain I caused him, and for my own soul's sake, I must fully accept the blame.

I know that what I did destroyed a part of my husband, but what NHN doesn't understand, it also destroys a part of yourself. It takes away from your soul and leaves a scar. You have to deal with that scar for the rest of your life.

Brilliant!!!

Listen NHN- Life is NOT easy. Be true to what YOU think inside. I know you understand what I'm saying. Always be TRUE to yourself. You come into this world alone and you leave alone... it's that dash in between life and death that DEFINES YOU. Go with your good judgement. You are much wiser than you admit to yourself. Also, please stop all the negative "self-talk" to yourself. Be nicer to yourself and give yourself a damn break. You know what I mean. Much love and good thoughts your way. Jody

So true...I love that poem...watch this:

>>The Dash

I loved the "Dash." Thanks for sharing it!

I need to add a new choice to the poll.
Was talking to another married female friend, one who has been on vacation for the last month or so, updating her on my misbehaviors and she gave me to absolute best answer to this question: "Hey, babe, whatever you need to tell yourself to go and be happy. *Laugh* You know I'll love ya anyway."
Although one weird by-product of the situation has been that the few people that do know about my misbehavior run interference with their married friends, daughters, sisters, whatever and me now. LOL. Actually, that is just kind of funny. They should know me well enough to know that whether or not a woman is married doesn't matter, it is the woman, and who she is, that matters. Being married is just kind of an obstacle.
Yes, I'm kidding about that last part, except in this one situation.

But what good is walking out of a triangle into another? Who wins? No one wins. This married woman, she is looking for that one little thing she is apparently not getting from her old man. I'll tell you, as a woman, she isn't leaving her man. She's filling that gap, and you're the temporary fix, whether she admits its temporary.. she never will.

Come on man! you deserve better than leftovers...

I know she doesn't intend to leave him. I also know I am just a fix, but apparently I have bad luck in choosing a regular relationship, so time to try a weird one.
Need a Surgeon General's warning on me: "WARNING: Contents too kinky for normal relationship. Attempting to use this product in an incorrect manner will result in the product becoming bored with your kind of sex, and result in nausea when he tells you what he would like to do to you."
Actually, I'm serious about that. It really didn't have anything to do with the last wife leaving, since I win an Oscar on any given day, but after being introspective for the last 2 and a half - three months, I've come to only one conclusion: the whole 'wife-kids-house' thing isn't really going to ever work for me. I think that could be one reason why my relationships usually totally fail: I'm just not made to be that way. I don't mean I'm easy -- see my blog for that explanation, since the mods would shoot me if I posted it here -- normal relationships just don't seem to work for me.
So the weird ones it is! And if my married friend is leftovers, all I can say is: "I'm a microwave!"

I think if you were that honest when going into a relationship it would save you a lot of heartache. There are women out there who feel the same way... but, you have to make it clear what your intentions are from the get-go! This will weed out all the (incompatibility) hope this makes sense-

It does, and I understand it. Just who am I today is not who I am next week, next month, or next year. And no, it doesn't weed out ALL the incompatibility. Told my last wife up front about my kinks. She said they sounded fun and yippee! Four years with nada! If it wasn't so damn funny, I'd cry about it. LOL.

Sounds like she just lied to you-- imo. four years? good grief.. well!

No, I think she was just messed up, had more underlying issues than even I guessed. I usually have a pretty good radar for that sort of thing. LOL.

I voted all except "Yes."
And I agree 100% with Zero's post: