My mother is VERY Christian, and she is very conservative and very stubborn and easily angered. How do I tell my mother the truth? That I am an Atheist and that I don't believe. This is very hard for me being around her and lying to her constantly, and even lying to myself. I finally admitted to myself who I really am and that it is alright, but how do I tell her? I don't want to keep lying to her, it is not a very respectable thing to do and I am proud of the trust I have with my mother. I just cannot seem to find the right words or approach in divulging this secret. I need suggestions, they would be much appreciated.

My honest advice to you is don't tell her. Unless you are living on your own.

"I am proud of the trust I have with my mother' start by telling her that , how much you want to share in this journey with her, i bet she will embrace you....trust that in the moment the right words will come and they will..... most mothers are wired to love unconditonally give her the chance to show you she will put your happiness first.......all the best to you ((HUGS))

*sighs* this is going to be hard

Why???

Well, she will be devastated, disappointed for a long time. She loves her child unconditionally, but being disappointed or devastated has nothing to do with loving your child, just hurt.

I, personally, wouldn't tell her... I'd wait a while. but, that's just me. -

My daddy was a hard conservatist.. He scared me.
I couldn't have possibly told him nothing like that, knowing it would hurt him. and He would have been angry..

I only say that because I know he didn't have an understanding bone in his body-- he was too stubborn, to bull headed to see things in any other light, but his own.

If he was different, maybe, I could sit down and talked with him about something such as that.. If I were an atheist. Hoping that my daddy could have rationalized a little bit, but he didn't have it in him.

It's difficult. For me, once I told my parents I was an atheist.. their opinion of me was just night and day. I don't really know what to say. I wouldn't recommend withholding the truth, but I can honestly say that things might well have been better if I had just kept it to myself. I'd recommend "hinting" at it. Make it a bit of a process so she'll have accepted it bit by bit. If you just say it all at once it may have a bit of a devastation effect.

Amen to that. er..uh...truethat!

Don't EVER tell your mother the truth...not about things like that. She doesn't WANT to hear the truth...she wants to hear you conform to her truth. And even if you are living on your own...don't just say...by the way...I don't believe in God! No matter what your belief is...you gotta respect hers first...cause she's yo mama.

gosh my mom was a abusive catholic and I told her at 7 that i didn't feel it in my heart and she said okay and that sunday when we were supposed to go to church i heard her tell my step dad that I woudl no longer be going she said she has the right to find her own path... she for some reason has maintained that still to this day and says (both of them)that although i chose a different path they are pleased with the person i have become ... i don['ever challenge them as it woudl be to no avail and really not my place and i don't talk at all on my beleifs and they don't ask but they treat me with respect... now this wasn't the same for my sister go figure....

I looked are your profile and you are 14. I agree with truethat. Don't tell her. My Mother was a head Strong woman and while she wasn't religious there were other things my brother and I never told her. Our motto to this day (and she has passed on) is "Don't tell Mom." Four more years and you will be of age and hopefully be able to leave home and be whatever you want to be.
Good luck

lying about it or hiding it imo would be one of the worst things you can do
how old is your mother?

I personally would suggest have a deep and meaningful with her
does she drink? i dont mean like an alcoholic, just.. does she enjoy a couple of what ever?
if so.. sit down.. on a friday night...have a couple of wines what ever it may be
and have a decent convo about it..
tell her how you have come to the conclusion that atheism makes sense to you.
i guess.. take it from there.




ok i just saw from previous post your 14, so take the alchohol out of the equation
..................if you want.

but i still think that not telling her and just MOVING OUT when your of age, is perhaps the worst thing you could do.

My advice would be to tell her. Tell her politely and calmly. Just say one day, "Mom, I don't believe in God." Whatever happens, happens, but don't be afraid to stand for what you believe in (or don't believe in). She should love you, and if she loves you she'll take you as you are as her Child. She may be angry at first, and she might not talk to you, and she might be devastated. But if she's a Christian, your faith should have nothing to do with her love. Be honest, you shouldn't have to live in hiding or fear within your own home. You should be able to comfortably practice whatever beliefs you wish. It is her obligation as a mother to respect her. If she doesn't listen then ask her WWJD.


In Christ,
COI.

or if she REALLY believes the bible she may just do what it suggests she should do in that situation and just beat you with a stone.

It doesn't suggest that so she wouldn't be following the Bible if she did that now would she

I would be honest and tell her, but plan well. I'd pepper the news with things which are positive... lead up to the final "I don't believe" gradually, and tell her as you approach that final moment that you value her, and your relationship with her, etc. People don't like to be taken by surprise... the knee jerk reaction is to become defensive, so take it slowly.

I think a relationship without honesty is going to have a very hard time growing, so if you value it you have to let your mother see who you really are.

w/e, if she loves you, she'll understand.
theres alot worse you could tell her, like youre in jail for life because you murdered someone.
dont worry about it, explain it to her.

You should also consider this fact:

No matter what you believe....it is wrong. No matter what she believes...it is wrong. So what is the point of telling her what you believe...when it is wrong? It is a lose, lose situation. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. But if you do...you will FEEL like you were damned. Why subject yourself to unnecessary strife and pain?

Rule #1 Whatever you think you know at 14....at 24 you will view it entirely different.

And thus confusion slipped into the mind of this Child of Israel....

If you hold this from her, you're going to find yourself struggling to find things you can talk to her about, things that will not somehow lead to the topic you're trying to avoid, and before you know it you will either have a knock-down drag-out, or you will find you have not spoken for ages and now a resentment has built up and you don't want to talk to her at all.

Tell her. Be gentle about it, but tell her.

Dress up in red spandex with little devil horns. Wait in a dark corner for her to pass. Jump out and shout "SURPRISE!"

I'm not an atheist but this is what I did. I didn't tell them. Then one day we went to a church thing and the priests basically asked everyone to go kneel at the front of the church if they submitted themselves to God and to rid themselves of sin(or something like that). So naturally everyone got up and didn't except me. So my step-mom asked me why I wasn't participating so I told her that I don't worship God.

She was mad, my dad was mad. I didn't care.

Deuteronomy 21:

18 If a man has a stubborn and rebellious son who does not obey his father and mother and will not listen to them when they discipline him, 19 his father and mother shall take hold of him and bring him to the elders at the gate of his town. 20 They shall say to the elders, "This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious. He will not obey us. He is a profligate and a drunkard." 21 Then all the men of his town shall stone him to death. You must purge the evil from among you. All Israel will hear of it and be afraid.


Seems pretty clear cut to me? or again have i "interpreted" the bible wrong?

What I am surprised about in this thread are the "don't tell her" comments. What if she needed to tell her mother that she was sexually active? That she was actually a lesbian? Would that be better? What I don't understand is how not believing in God would be so much worse. I guess I'd have to be in her shoes. Me? I'd tell her. But, I'd start slow like maybe I didn't understand why the need to go to church to worship when you can worship anywhere. If she started asking questions, and showed her doubts to her mother, and the mother had to find the answers, her faith might lessen so that when the inevitable conversation came up, the mom wouldn't have such a bombshell dropped on her.

You are not a believer so how do you think you can perceive the bible like a believer could? You have biased opinions on the bible to fit your anti-biblical beliefs, so sayings like this will sound different to you, than it would a believer. In this passage they are talking about a pretty bad kid here, one with an evil and rebellious heart. It does not say because he is not a believer that he shall be stoned to death does it? No, didn't think so, so come again zombie.

I can't see the point of jeopardizing the relationship, or feeding devastation from either end. I believe the OP has much learning and growing to do-- being that she (is) so young.

no when i was a believer it had the same meaning...it said the same thing.. in the same words.... the text is pretty clear cut to me.

with your argument you can shape the bible into saying WHAT ever it is you like...its always the same.. pick and choose all the nice bits of the bible to live by which suit todays society but those that dont, they are interpreted ever so eloquently its actually funny to see how BLATANT text like this is interpreted into something COMPLETELY different.. congrats its a talent.

and yes it said stubborn and rebellious son.

if the son of a married christian couple becomes an atheist and refuses to re-inherit the families religious beliefs.. its safe to say that it would be considered stubborn and rebellious.

My heart goes out to her....
When I read the poster explain the mentality of her mother, it threw me back to a moment where I remember that fear at her age- it isn't a healthy fear. It is a powerful fear. Especially when your parent is conservative, stubborn, and easily angered... not sure if abusive falls into it or not, but it very well could. I suggested her not to say anything for a while, she is still quite young. I say give it more time before she says anything..maybe it's too soon for her. just my opinion.

the bible says to be honest. So there....mother. LOL !!

i'm not trying to change you're beliefs or anything but why have you given up on the idea of God?

Please read the verse in my signature, and then realize that Duet 21 is part of what's known as "The Law." If you still don't get it, ask and I'll be more than happy to explain.

i too at 14 started this ..my whole family is BIGTIME CATHOLIC..and well im 18 now and i have never told my mom..but but we never go to church realy so when we do i just sit there and im not trying to disrespect her beleives but i question many things about the bible and like i think its stupid basically, but i have never told her im agnostic. i used to worry alot about this because i thought i'd burn in hell!! and that god would punish me
but then agian i realized im not a beleiver in that religion anymore and i havnet told her but i dress in black most the time and listen to death metal and well the posters in my room umm..

i dont dress that was for her to notcie or anythign attntion ,but just because its who i realy am and i hate religons that dont let there people be. and that they have to do this and that! be afraid to be themselves and sacrifice themselves at times thats kinda stupid i think if there was a god he'd love you no matter what and theres many people who parents never influnece them on religon or anyting they grow up to beleive in nothing..thats not their fault either so i think i chose to be how iam and if there is a god he'll forgive me if not then hey it was nice just being myself the whole time i lived!

the point of me telling you all this is that well if you beleive in sumthing no matter what ppl say thats what u think and thats it! and i havnt told my mom i dont realy plan to shes an single mother and i have no bros or sis so we trust each other but there are sumthing you cant just tell her im sure if i tell my mom now she would not be surprised.. but i already knwo what shes going to say lol its b****y enought when we fight about the things i ask her about god.. but i go to church with her and i respect her beleives just like id expect her to respect mine. and when i do tell her i will tell her that too lol.. you lived long enough respecting her religon and beleives so shes going to respect yours. reason why i havnt told is cus god just isnt a part of my life so never even talk about him. i dont think its that important. and yeah i know when we talk it'll be a long talk,but i've ben agnostic for 5 years now so yeah hope this helps.

I wouldn't tell her, but if you do, do so with love and patience and avoid giving the impression that your mother has somehow failed as a parent. In the experiences of others who have had to go through similar conversations with parents that I have read, that is why the relationship really goes south.

yup at first she will probly feel like she failed in racing christian child probly and she will ask you maybe ask you why u think your athiest? or who told you to become athiest perhaphs blame your friends and ask if hasnt she taughts you anything? or think that your crazy. thats natural.

if shes cool with it then she will just feel dispointed but you have to let her know your yourself still and nothing has changed. i dont know why people think if your not religous you must be evil and have no education but hey! in no way argue or try to argue just be mature about it if your going to actualy tell her. like i sed i havnt told mine yet.

lolotronics the same reason other people give up the belief in god.. ITS NOT REAL




ok then well im officially asking.

*sighs* ok. Do you understand the verse in my signature? What it basically means is, if you use the Law (the books of the OT) as justification for what you do (because after all, it's what the Bible says) than you are not of Christ. By using the Law (the OT) to justify something like murdering homosexuals, is the same as slapping Christ in the face (making his sacrifice in vain) because he came to save us from that very Law. You said something about stoning, and then you quoted Duet 21. Those who use Duet 21 (according to Galatians 5) are not Christian, and therefore are not of God. Do you understand now?

Sounds like you have a very good and healthy relationship with your parents.




Very good advice. If you decide to tell her please do it slowly, don't just drop it in her lap. And yes, be prepared for her to try and change your heart. That is a normal repsonse for a Christian person.



One of the truest statements I have read on this board! Very well put.


I am Christian. I have one son that is and one that isn't. I dont love one any more than the other. I let both of them come to their individual beliefs on their own. While I don't agree with the one that isn't I still love him and I do not condem his beliefs or lack thereof.

I persoanlly feel like you should share this with your mother. She may be able to give you some vavluable insights that you may have been missing. Just do it easy. You are probably not going to break her heart but this is certianly not something she has longed to hear from you. Give her some time to accept and adjust. And as others have said, she is your mom, she will still love you.

I reckon if you do decide to tell her you need to protect your self from her response, her response is her responsibility. Keep this in your mind. If she feels like sh*t about it, its her problem that she needs to deal with and get used to. People so often deal with their problems by projecting them onto others. So to her she will be feeling the way she does about it "because of you" so to speak. Its not because of you, its because she is unable to deal with what you are telling her because it does not fit within her ideology. I know you probably know this, but deeper within you may feel guilt which YOU DONT NEED TO!

I think what you said is lovely in your post your love and respect for your mother really shines through and this would be the best way to open the conversation. Let her know why you want to tell her...because you love her and want to be open with her because of your respect for the honesty bond you have with each other.

The most important thing though is whether you're ready or not. As i first stated, you have to be prepared in yourself, do not let her project her feelings of loss onto you, its so easily done without us even realising it. These feelings are hers and not yours.

The other thing is, why is it that you need to tell her now? How much is her Christianity oppressing you? Why should you find it oppressive or offensive if you know in your heart you do not believe it. I am not questioning this point, i am merely trying to show you that the feelings that her beliefs create in you are not because of her beliefs but because of the way you choose to respond to them. You can always rise above it, its her thing. But, if her religious conduct is such that it is projected upon you to the point of oppression then i think you should tell her.

Dont tell her cause your out of your mind with frustration on the spur of the moment (obviously). And dont sit around waiting for a good time for her either cause you cannot predict what is going on in another persons mind. Do it when you are in a calm temperament and you feel like you can handle the way she may react.

If the situation were to become confrontational the thing you have to remember is that the person who shouts first is to blame. DONT lose your cool, if she starts to raise her voice or starts to shout, draw her attention to it. "Why are you shouting?" (calm voice) - she says "because you" - you say "Well i'd rather talk about this than have a shouting match it doesnt solve anything, can you please say it rather than shout". Although this is a little irritating to the shouter, it is because it puts them in a position where they realise they are out of control and have no choice but to calm down because you are setting a sensible boundary for discussion rather than being led into the battle situation which they create.

Yeah, he he, thats my advice...good luck man

nn23

just dont go to shurch for awhile. She'll eventully catch on

For now I would listen to his advise. I wouldn't want to take the chance of getting kicked out, or worse. Execution on firing line.

Really though, tell her is subtle ways.
ie. when the news is on, comment on the war in iraq about their religious motivations and terrorism in general when you hear a story about terrorism.
Say you read an article on the internet about evoloution/ stem cells and tell her the pros about it

Chances are if you keep telling her in subtle ways, she'll eventully ask YOU "are you atheist?" and it'll be easier on her that way

mmm yeah, thats good advice man, but at the same time i'm not sure how pleasent it would be starting a discussion about evolution/stem cell research...although these little things will prepare her some what.

He might mention it and she could easily brush it off with a whole load of Bible stuff...end of. Infact it could cause her some uncertainty and fear/anxiety that her son might be going estray.

Just had a thought. Whos to say she doesnt already know? Shes your mum after all, it sounds like apart from this you have a close loving relationship, she probably already knows man and is just leaving you to get on with it thinking its a phase.

*sighs* also.........

.........this is exactly why so many people become confounded with the whole idea of God and the Bible. On one hand the Bible says in the OT certain things such as Law. But the Christian Church has rejected the idea of Law and has taken up the stance that Jesus came to destroy the Law ....when it says very plainly that he didn't. The problem with the whole thing is that A. One either obeys the entire law of the OT or B. One chooses which Laws to obey. or C. One chooses to discard the whole thing. There is also no mention of Jesus in the OT (nonetheless the Christian Church dissects certain passages to say that it does). The OT does say Have no other Gods before me as part of the big Ten Commandments....yet, the Christian Church worships Jesus...a man...as God.
It is easy to understand why the OP is confused and has rejected the entire premise.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So...OP (original poster)........you can see how both sides of any belief system can be bantered back and forth with no conclusion. If you feel inclined to discuss these things with Mommy...be prepared to explain in detail what your belief is. A 'I'm not sure' attitude will only land you in a quarrel. An affirmative 'This is what I believe' will also land you in a quarrel. As previously mentioned: you are in a lose, lose, situation. Take about another 10 years to think about what and why you believe or disbelieve.

so you listen to jesus (son)

over god (father)

Hmm... u christians got it twisted.

Sounds like what you said here was lovely and direct. Mom, I finally admitted to myself who I really am and that it is alright. I don't want to keep lying to you, it's not a very respectable thing to do. And I am proud of the trust I have with you and I know you realize I am a good daughter, and this is who I am. And I love you.

You have two choices, as far as I can see. You can live your truth, now that you've owned it. Or you can live a lie to your mother, and disrespect her and yourself by pretending to be something you are not, and something she thinks you are. Imagine how she'd feel when she found out. The betrayal of her trust would be devastating. And the betrayal of who you are, means you're not proud of who you are. Tell her. You're her child. You grew under her heart for 9 months. What can't you tell someone that already knows you from the time you were a little bud in her womb!?


Good luck and keep us updated on what ever you decide.

Just... tell her?

One of the things you need to understand and I can't believe as a former believer you never got this is that Christians are not Jews. There was a whole argument about this during the early church. Read the Book of Acts and you may get a better understanding of what Christians believe Jesus did, and it was NOT to abolish The Law, it was to fulfill it. The whole idea behind The Law was to provide the penalty for the different things people did, which involved animal sacrifices to redeem the violator. Since Jesus is the perfect sacrifice for all sins, and since the reason for the law was to point out sins and levy the penalty for sins, now that the perfect sacrifice has been made The Law has been fulfilled, there is no linger a need for individual sacrifices for each sin. The law has been fulfilled and the Holy Spirit now indwells the believers and guides them to God's will, not the law, God's will.

It's not right to create a fantasy to indulge someone else's vision of who you are. It's not right to hide who you are to appease someone else's feelings.

Ultimately when and how is your decision, but be who you are not what others expect you to be.

Oh and don't go with the patented Rev R approach: "So I thought about it and decided that it's crap."

the first half is true no point in lying to someone by omission. That being said just be as gentle as you can when approaching the subject and hope for the best. Explain it as you did on here and see how it goes...but don't expect her to be alright with it immediately just because you have been honest. She is pretty much bound to be upset or disappointed to some degree.

Dude just tell her-as there is no evidence for any aspect of religion, your point of view is just as feasible,viable and credible as anyone elses.
After all ,there are 3000 religions alive in the world today and she doesn't beleive in 2999 of them-you just don't beleive in one more than her.
I realise some overtly religious people are extremely anti atheist but in a way thats just as bad as being extremely anti semitic,anti christian etc..try to tactfully explain this to her.
With regard to non provable beleif systems,some people beleive in may gods,some people beleive in one god and some people beleive that because god doesn't need a creator-then why does the universe need one?- all opinions should be respected and tolerated(unless they encourage hatred,bigotry and prejudice)
Good luck and hopefully your mom won't try to forcefully impose her own religious beleifs on you and instead respect the fact that you are arriving at your own conclusions.
Cheers Karl