I thought hmm I wonder if anyone knows any good or funny quotes from their favorite tv shows?
Well do ya?

The below quotes are from the televison show Stargate SG-1

Stargate SG-1 ep: "Fairgame"

Daniel: Ah, the second Goa'uld representative we're expecting is Yu.
O'Neill: Me?
Daniel: Yu is the name of the Goa'uld.
O'Neill: Ah! Sorry.

"Foothold"

Sam: Maybourne, you are an idiot every day of the week, why couldn't you've just
taken one day off!

Episode: "Urgo"

Urgo: "The're gonna kill you! They're gonna open your heads with giant can openers and then they scoop me out with a big scoopy thing..." (starts crying)

(Teal'c drinks a whole pitcher of coffee for no apparent reason.)
Sam: "Wasn't that hot?"
Teal'c: "Extremely."

Urgo: "When I called you a madman, I meant it in the nicest possible way..."

(General Hammond talking about SG-1 to Dr. Frasier)
Gen. Hammond: "Can we determine what threat they pose?"
Dr. Frasier: "Apparently all deserts on the base are in grave danger."

Urgo: "Say I didn't mean to!"
(Team all at once)
Jack, Sam and Daniel: "He didn't mean to!"
Teal'c: "That was not his intention!"

Urgo: "I wanna live, I wanna experience the universe, and I wanna eat pie."
Jack: "Hey, who doesn't?"

Jack: "It's a machine!"
Urgo: "That hurts!"
Thornbird: I'm Major Robert Thornbird. And you are...?
Jack: Captain James T. Kirk, of the Starship Enterprise. Ooh. All right. I'll be honest with you, Bob. My name's not Kirk. It's Skywalker. Luke Skywalker.

Episode: "1969"

Jack: This is a top secret facility. Anonymity doesn't go over well here.

Daniel: Nyet! Uh, he just asked if we're Soviet spies.

(Jack and Thornbird talking about a Zat'n'ktel)
Thornbird: What was the weapon you used?
Jack: Weapon?
Thornbird: Our cameras saw some sort of weapon.
Jack: Oh, well it's hard to say.
Thornbird: Some sort of state secret?
Jack: No, just difficult to pronounce.

Jack: Listen, Michael, I really have to say this: the two of you have been unbelievably...
Daniel: (interrupting) Groovy!
Jack: ...groovy...I think is the word.

Michael: (a 1969 hippy) I'm Michael!
Teal'c: I am not permitted to reveal my identity.
Michael: ... Far out!

Michael: After the concert, me and Jenny, we're even thinking about crossing the border to Canada!
Teal'c: For what reason?
Michael: You know man - the war!
Teal'c: With Canada!
Michael: No...

Jack: We came to earth to hide among your people a long, long time ago.
Daniel: From a galaxy, far far away...

(in 1969) Jack: Got any cash?
Lt. Hammond: Sure, some.
Jack: I'll pay you back. With interest.
(later, in the 1990s)
Gen Hammond: Oh, by the way, Colonel - with interest you owe me $539.50.

Daniel: So we go into disguise, pretend to be foreigners.
Jack: How are we going to do that?
Daniel: Well, I speak 23 languages. Pick one!

Jack: Captain, where there's a will there's an or.

Episode: "Wormhole Extreme!"

Martin: Okay, scene 23 takes place on another planet, so you think aliens eat apples?
Props Master: Why not? They speak English.

Martin: I've got a concept meeting in 10 minutes, and if I'm not there on time... well... well, they start without me.

Jack: That would be classified.
Nick: Oh, I like that. Sort of like a yes, but really a no.

Martin: Research says that shows with "X" in the name get higher ratings.

Jack: (when someone wonders if too many people might see the show) Don't worry - it's on cable.

Dr. Lavant: Damn it, Colonel, just because they're aliens and their skulls are transparent doesn't mean that they don't have rights!

Studio exec: You know what this show needs? Sexy female alien. Trust me.

(as the real alien ship flies away)
Greenburg: Cool special effect.
Wright: I've seen better.
Greenburg: We'll fix it in post.
Wright: Yeah. So you think we'll get 18 in?

Episode: "Seth"

Jack: So help me, if I wake up and I'm singing soprano...

Jack: Eunuch? As in...snippety doo dah?

Jack: AK-47s, a couple of Uzis... who eliminated the 15-day waiting period for those weapons?
Sam: And it looks like a pair of 50 .cals.
Jack: Does the concept of overkill mean anything to anybody?

Seth: Welcome! Who are you?
Jack: Well, I'm Larry, this is Moe and, of course, everyone's favourite, Curly.

(team debating how to eliminate Seth from his fortress)
Teal'c: What are you thinking, O'Neill?
Jack: Well, I was thinking we need to get in there...

O'Neill: Jaffa jokes? Let's hear one of them.

Teal'c: I will attempt to translate one. A Serpent guard, a Horus guard, and a Setesh guard meet on a neutral planet. It is a tense moment. The Serpent guard's eyes glow. The Horus guard's beak glistens. The Setesh guard's nose drips. (Teal'c starts laughing as everyone stares)

Episode: "Holiday"

Gen. Hammond: Welcome back SG-1.

Episode: "Fallen" (1)

Daniel: Anubis?
Jack: Yeah, Kind of an over-the-top, cliché bad guy – black cloak, oily skin, kind of spooky.

(sending the F-302 on an attack run)
Jack: I want to see what this baby's made of.
Sam: I could tell you, sir...exactly.
Jack: Another time...please?

Khordib: (Teal'c) is Jaffa?
Jack: No, but he plays one on TV.

Hammond: You have no memory of me?
Daniel: No, none whatsoever.
Jack: Neither do I, sir.

Daniel: Has your hair always been that way?
Jack: What way?
Daniel: Never mind...

(entering a top secret meeting)
Daniel: Besides, who am I going to tell? I can't remember anyone.
Jack: Good one!
Daniel: Thanks, Jim.

Jack: Everyone who thinks this is an absolutely insane plan, raise your hands. (pause) C'mon, everyone...

Jack: This is the wackiest plan we've ever come up with.
Sam: Wackier then strapping an active Stargate to the bottom of the X-302?
Jack: Oh yeah.
Sam: Wackier then blowing up a sun?
Jack: Yep!
Sam: (muttering) He's probably right.

Anubis: You will suffer greatly.
Jonas: Yeah, I figured as much...

fairly odd parents

wanda "we have good news, and bad news"
timmy "whats the good news?"
wanda "the alien we brought u is actually a prince from the war planet yugopotamia, and his parents are coming to blow up the earth and take their son back"
timmy "thats good news?"
wanda"o wait, that was the bad news"
timmy "then whats the good news?"
cosmo "i found a nickel!"
timmy "i wish mark was back with his parents"
*a failed attempt to wish him back*
cosmo "uh oh"
timmy "more good news, nickel boy?"
cosmo "MY NICKEL!"
*later in the episode, cosmo names the nickel philip, then loses it*
cosmo "i have good news and bad news"
timmy "whats the good news?"
cosmo "i found philip!"
timmy "whats the bad news?"
cosmo "its a girl nickel"

haha, i love that show, and thats my fave episode!

A Christmas Story: (My favorite Christmas Movie... and one of my all time favorite Movies)

Narrator voice): Some men are Baptists...others Catholics...My
father was an Oldsmobile man.

Randy: I CAN'T PUT MY ARMS DOWN!!!

Narrator voice): My kid brother looked like a tick about to pop

Narrator): I could feel the Christmas noose beginning to tighten.
Maybe what happened next was inevitable.
Ralphie's Mom: Ralphie, what would you like for Christmas?
Narrator): Horrified, I hurt myself blurt it out!
Ralphie: I want an official Red Ryder Carbon Action 200 shot range
model air rifle!
Narrator): Oooooooo........
Ralphie's Mom: No...You'll shoot your eye out.
Narrator): Oh no, it was the classic mother BB gun block! Heh,
heh. "You'll shoot your eye out!" That deadly phrase uttered many
times before by hundreds of mothers was not surmountable by any
means known to kiddom.

Can't wait until Christmas Day... It plays for 24 hours straight... one after another!!! It's GREAT!

A list of my favourite sayings by Xander from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.........

Xander: And how long have you known that your girlfriend's Tinkerbell?'

Xander: So, do we have to speak Spanish when we see him?' Cause I don't know anything much besides "Doritos" and "chihuahua."

Xander: It's time for me to act like a man... and hide.

Xander: I don't like vampires. I'm going to take a stand and say they're not good

Xander: I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide until it goes away.

Xander: And they say that young people don't learn anything in high school nowadays, but I've learned to be afraid.

Xander: Generally speaking, when scary things get scared, not good.

Xander: Well, I guess that makes it official. Everybody's paired off. Vampires get dates. Hell, even the school librarian sees more action than me.

Xander: Where are you from? The country of white trash?

Xander: Well, yeah. I'd give anything to be able to turn invisible. I wouldn't use my powers to beat people up, but use my powers to protect the girl's locker room.

Xander: Cavalry's here! Cavalry's a scared guy with a club, but it's here!

Xander: We're right behind you, only further back.

Xander: I wish dating was like slaying. You know, simple, direct, stake through the heart, no muss, no fuss.

Xander: It's funny how the earth never opens up and swallows you when you want it to.

Xander: Those that can, do, those that can't laugh at those that, can do.

Xander: Forgiveness is my middle name. Well, actually it's LaVelle, but I'd appreciate it if you guard that secret with your life.

Xander: Just for the record: you were right, I'm an idiot, and God bless you.

Xander: For I am Xander, king of cretins. Let all lesser cretins bow before me.

Xander: People don’t fall in love with what’s right in front of them. People want the dream…what they can’t have. The more unattainable, the more attractive.

Xander: Did you hear that? A bonus day of class, plus Cordelia. Mix in a little rectal surgery and it's my best day ever.

Xander: If anyone sees my spine lying about, just try not to step on it.

Xander: A ghost, what's the deal? Is every frat on this campus haunted? and if so why do people keep coming to these parties because it's not the snacks.

Xander: I'm not gonna waste the perfect comeback on you now. But don't think I don't have it. Oh yes, it's time will come!

....And a list of Spikes

From In the Dark(Angel)
Spike: How can I thank you, you mysterious black-clad-hunk-of-a-knight-thing?

No need, little lady. Your tears of gratitude are enough for me. You see, I was once a bad-ass vampire. But love, and a pesky curse, defanged me. And now, I'm just a big fluffy puppy with bad teeth. No! Not the hair! Never the hair.

But there must be some way I can show my appreciation.

No, helping those in need's my job. And working up a load of sexual tension and prancing away like a magnificent poof is truly thanks enough.

I understand. I have a nephew who's gay.

Spike: Say no more. Evil's still afoot. And I'm almost out of that Nancy-boy hair gel I like so much. Quickly! To the Angel-mobile! Away!
"Oh, listen to Mary Poppins. He's got his crust all stiff and upper with that nancy-boy accent. (everyone looking at him) You Englishmen are always so... (pauses) Bloody hell! (ticks off on his fingers) Sodding, blimey, shagging, knickers, bollocks, oh God! I'm English!"

GILES: Older brother?
SPIKE: (scoffs) Father. (Giles looks outraged) Oh, god, how I must hate you.
GILES: What did I do?
SPIKE: There's always something, and what's with the trollop? (indicates Anya)
ANYA: Hey!
GILES: Her?
SPIKE: I saw you! Sleeping together.
GILES: Resting together.

"'Made with care for Randy.' (looks at Giles angrily) Randy Giles? Why not just call me 'Horny Giles,' or 'Desperate for a Shag Giles'? I knew there was a reason I hated you!"

Spike: "Let me guess. Someone pulls out the sword..."
Angel: "Someone worthy."
Spike: "...the demon wakes up, and wackiness ensues."

Spike: Help me out here, Spock. I don't speak loser.

Spike: What's Big blue doing anyway?
The Judge: I am preparing.
Spike: It's interesting to me that preparing looks a great bit like sitting on your ass.

Oh Well, thats it...theres just too many to put up.

There are a lot of funny quotes from shows like Family Guy, where almost everything Peter or Stewie says is funny, and the Simpsons.

Simpsons

Homer: English...side...ruined...must...use...french...side...le grill?.. whats le grill?

Homer: Extended warranty? How can I lose?

Homer: I'll mace you good!

And just to add this one in, its from Spongebob Squarepants

(Spongebob blows a bubble that looks like an elephant)
Patrick: Hehe, a giraffe.

All right, brain. You don't like me and I don't like you, but let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer

Bart, a woman is like beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one!

Dear Homer, IOU one emergency donut. Signed Homer. Bastard! He's always one step ahead

Good drink... good meat... good God, let's eat!

Heh Heh Heh! Lisa! Vampires are make believe, just like elves and gremlins and eskimos!

I am so smart, I am so smart, s-m-r-t... I mean s-m-A-r-t

I can't believe it! Reading and writing actually paid off!

I hope I didn't brain my damage

I know you can read my thoughts, boy: Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow.

Shut up, Brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip!

Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman --and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing

Me lose brain? Uh, oh! Ha ha ha! Why I laugh?

Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: Bart's a vampire, beer kills brain cells. Now let's go back to that... building... thingie... where our beds and TV... is

Homer no function beer well without

Homer : "No beer and no TV make Homer something something
Marge : Go crazy?
Homer : Don't mind if I do.

Marge : Now Homer, you're over-stimulated, lets get some beer into you, and then it's straight off to bed.
Homer : (Runs about frantically , flapping his arms) Woo-hoo! - beer beer beer, bed bed bed!

me like homer, homer funny

From the Gods of Comedy, the Infamous Monty Python's Flying Circus:



Dead Parrot Sketch

The cast:

MR. PRALINE
John Cleese
SHOP OWNER
Michael Palin
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The sketch:

A customer enters a pet shop.

Mr. Praline: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

(The owner does not respond.)

Mr. Praline: 'Ello, Miss?

Owner: What do you mean "miss"?

Mr. Praline: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

Owner: We're closin' for lunch.

Mr. Praline: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?

Mr. Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

Owner: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.

Mr. Praline: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

Owner: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!

Mr. Praline: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.

Owner: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!

Mr. Praline: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you
show...

(owner hits the cage)

Owner: There, he moved!

Mr. Praline: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!

Owner: I never!!

Mr. Praline: Yes, you did!

Owner: I never, never did anything...

Mr. Praline: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

(Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

Mr. Praline: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.

Owner: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!

Mr. Praline: STUNNED?!?

Owner: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.

Mr. Praline: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour
ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.

Owner: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.

Mr. Praline: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?

Owner: The Norwegian Blue prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!

Mr. Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the
first place was that it had been NAILED there.

(pause)

Owner: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and
VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

Mr. Praline: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!

Owner: No no! 'E's pining!

Mr. Praline: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e
rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the
bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!

(pause)

Owner: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh,
we're right out of parrots.

Mr. Praline: I see. I see, I get the picture.

Owner: I got a slug.

(pause)

Mr. Praline: Pray, does it talk?

Owner: Nnnnot really.

Mr. Praline: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?

Owner: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)

Mr. Praline: Well.

(pause)

Owner: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come back to my place?

Mr. Praline: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.

I got this one from Sunday 14th/03 when I was watching the Muppets Christmas Carol (I love that one! )

Rizo: (after Gonzo accidently uses Rizo's tail to light the lamp) Light the lamp on the rat! Light the lamp not the rat! LIGHT THE LAMP NOT THE RAT!

Chandler: (entering from bathroom, with an issue of Cosmo) All right, I took the quiz, and it turns out, I do put career before men.


Chandler: All right, you will notice that I am fully dressed. I, in turn, have noticed that you are not. So in the words of A. A. Milne, "Get out of my chair, dillhole!"


Chandler: You know what's weird. Donald Duck never wore pants. But whenever he's getting out of the shower, he always put a towel around his waist. I mean, what is that about?

Chandler: Okay, well. Janice said 'Hi, do I look fat today?' And I, I looked at her....
Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You looked at her. You never look. You just answer, it's just a reflex. Do I look fat? Nooo! Is she prettier than I am? Noo! Does size matter?
Rachel: Nooo!
Ross: And it works both ways.

Joey: Remember when you where a kid and your Mom would drop you off at the movies with a jar of jam and a little spoon?
Rachel: You're so pretty.

Chandler: Hey, Joe, I gotta ask. The girl from the Xerox place buck naked (holds up one hand), or, or a big tub of jam. (holds up the other hand)
Joey: Put your hands together. (smiles)

Rachel: (reading the program) Ooh! Look! Look! Look! Look, there's Joey's picture! This is so exciting!
Chandler: You can always spot someone who's never seen one of his plays before. Notice, no fear, no sense of impending doom...
Ross: So you do know a little English.
Paolo: Poco... a leetle.
Ross: Do you know the word crapweasel?
Paolo: No.
Ross: That's funny, because you know, you are a huge crapweasel!

Chandler: (to Ross) Ah, it's just a weekend, big deal!
Ross: Wasn't this supposed to be just a fling, huh? Shouldn't it be...(makes flinging motions with hands) flung by now?
(Camera pans back to Rachel)
Rachel: I mean, we are way past the fling thing, I mean, I am feeling things that I've only read about in Danielle Steele books, you know? I mean, when I'm with him, I'm totally, totally...
(Camera pans to Ross, holding his stomach)
Ross: ...nauseous, I'm physically nauseous. What am I supposed to do, huh? Call immigration? (pauses, looks suddenly inspired) I could call immigration!

Phoebe: I'm sorry, but sometimes they need help. That's fine. Go ahead and scoff. You know, there're a lot of things that I don't believe in, but that doesn't mean they're not true. (-Phoebe has a good point! -Cuda)
Joey: Such as?
Phoebe: Like crop circles, or the Bermuda triangle, or evolution?

Ross: You don't believe in evolution?
Phoebe: I don't know, it's just, you know...monkeys, Darwin, you know, it's a, it's a nice story, I just think it's a little too easy.
Ross: Too easy? Too...The process of every living thing on this planet evolving over millions of years from single-celled organisms, too easy?
Phoebe: Yeah, I just don't buy it.
Ross: Uh, excuse me. Evolution is not for you to buy, Phoebe. Evolution is scientific fact, like, like, like the air we breathe, like gravity.
Phoebe: Ok, don't get me started on gravity.

Ross: You uh, you don't believe in gravity?
Phoebe: Well, it's not so much that you know, like I don't believe in it, you know, it's just...I don't know, lately I get the feeling that I'm not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed.

Ross: Ok, Pheebs. See how I'm making these little toys move? Opposable thumbs. Without evolution, how do you explain opposable thumbs?
Phoebe: Maybe the overlords needed them to steer their spacecrafts.
Ross: Please tell me you're joking.
Phoebe: Look, can't we just say that you believe in something, and I don't.
Ross: No, no, Pheebs, we can't, ok, because--
Phoebe: What is this obsessive need you have to make everyone agree with you? No, what's that all about? I think, I think maybe it's time you put Ross under the microscope.
Ross: Is there blood coming out of my ears?

Phoebe: Ok, Ross, could you just open your mind like this much, ok? Wasn't there a time when the brightest minds in the world believed that the world was flat? And, up until like what, 50 years ago, you all thought the atom was the smallest thing, until you split it open, and this like, whole mess of crap came out. Now, are you telling me that you are so unbelievably arrogant that you can't admit that there's a teeny tiny possibility that you could be wrong about this?
Ross: There might be, a teeny, tiny, possibility.
Phoebe: I can't believe you caved. (covers mouth)
Ross: What?
Phoebe: You just abandoned your whole belief system. I mean, before, I didn't agree with you, but at least I respected you. How, how, how are you going to go into work tomorrow? How, how are you going to face the other science guys? How, how are you going to face yourself? Oh! That was fun. So who's hungry? (turns to face the other four)

Monica: Uh honey, the Miami Vice soundtrack? Really?
Chandler: They were just giving those away at the store (off Monica's look) in exchange for money.

[Trying to identify a suspect Nash spoke to on the phone.]
Nash: Joe, you remember that electronic tone we heard when I was talking on the phone? You think he could be wearing a hearing aid?
Joe: What?
Nash: You think he could be wearing a hearing aid?
Joe: What?
Nash: You think he could... oh, very funny.

Harvey: Hey, Nash! You still remember who I am, don't you?
Nash: Okay! Listen! Everybody, listen! I remember everybody. Alright? I didn't hit my head that hard.
Evan: Hey, Nash, you remember me?
Nash:You I meant to forget.

[Joe notices a girl on a poster advertising sex on the side of a bus]
Joe: Hey, the girl on that poster looks like your daughter.
Nash: Yeah! (looks at it a second time) That IS my daughter!

Harvey: Nash, the most high-tech thing on this computer is the flying toaster screen saver.

[Nash and Joe go after a guy who attacked them with a monster truck]
Joe: Can't we take a bigger car? Or a bus, perhaps.

Thornbird: I'm Major Robert Thornbird. And you are...?
Jack: Captain James T. Kirk, of the Starship Enterprise. Ooh. All right. I'll be honest with you, Bob. My name's not Kirk. It's Skywalker. Luke Skywalker

HAHAAH!!!!

The one from the simpsons when lisa shoves the pig down the hill because she's a vegetarian and can't stand all the meat -

SOmething like

*pig falls on the gorund*
homer: it's just a little dirty, it's still good, it's still good!

*pig rolls into water*
Homer: it's just a little wet, it's still good, it's still good!

*pig gets stuck in a hole in the dam, pressure builds and is shot through the air*
Homer: it's just a little airborn, it's still good, it's still good!

Lmao, I love that one.

Monty Pyhton and the Holy Grail, The Holy Hand Grenade scene:



GALAHAD


Do we have any bows?





ARTHUR


No.





LAUNCELOT


We have the Holy Hand Grenade.





ROBIN


The what?





ARTHUR


The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. 'Tis one of the sacred


relics Brother Maynard always carries with him.





ALL


Yes. Of course.





ARTHUR


(shouting)


Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade!





Slight pause. Then from the area where the 'HORSES' are, a small group


of MONKS process forward towards the KNIGHTS, the leading MONK bearing


and ornate golden reliquary, and the accompanying MONKS chanting and


waving incense. They reach the KNIGHTS. The hand grenade is suffused


with the holy glow.





ARTHUR takes it. Pause





ARTHUR


How does it ... er ...





LAUNCELOT


I know not.





ARTHUR


Consult the Book of Armaments.





BROTHER MAYNARD


Armaments Chapter Two Verses Nine to Twenty One.





ANOTHER MONK


(reading from bible)


And St. Attila raised his hand grenade up on high saying


"O Lord bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow


thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy. "and the Lord did grin and


people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies


and orang-utans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and...





BROTHER MAYNARD


Skip a bit brother ...





ANOTHER MONK


... Er ... oh, yes ... and the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou


take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more,


no less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the


number of the counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count,


neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three.


Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number,


be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch


towards thou foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.

Amen.

ALL

Amen.

And one funny bit from when the knights meet the enchanter:

Arthur: O Enchanter of hidden knowledge what may we call you?

Enchanter (raises left eyebrow and pauses for 3 seconds):There are many about these lands that may call me................tim

Daniel: I think they're a family.
Jack: A family of what?
Daniel: I have no idea.

Daniel: I thought Heaven would be a little more up-scale.

Secretary Of Defense Swift: They said the same thing about the Apollo Program. That brought back some moon rocks. You may have noticed we haven't been back to the moon in 20 years

Daniel: Hathor was the Egyptian goddess for fertility, inebrity and music.
Jack: Sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll?
Daniel: In a manner of speaking

Jack: (after smashing in the window of General Hammond's car in a moment of rage) You should get that window fixed.

Daniel: This is a long story.
Jack: Tell us over some sushi?

Daniel: Memorial Service!?
Sam: Yeah, the Colonel (Jack) said some very nice things.
Daniel: He did! Uh... he did?

Daniel: Well, it sounds like I theoretically, possibly, actually found one!
Catherine: One what?
Daniel: One of those things Sam was talking about, an alternate reality!

Sam: What makes you think the Goa'uld are even going to attack your earth?
Daniel: Oh, I'd say we've pissed them off at least as much as you have

Daniel (Invisible): That's good Robert be skeptical.
Rothman: It's a skull.
Daniel (Invisible): Not that skeptical.

Teal'c: "Doctor Frasier believes that you are not yet strong enough to undertake such a mission."
Jack: "Yeah, whatever." *falls over*

Daniel: "No, no, no Nic, I'm real, you're not hallucinating!"
Nic: "Hallucinations always say that."

Sam: "Look at these readings sir! these are leptons!"
Jack: "...? Get out."

Daniel: "Well, there has to be some sort of radiation suit or uhm..."
Jack: "Hey! If you had been listening you'd know that "nintendos" pass through everything."

[green=]

Timmy: Oh magic 9 ball, tell me when Mom and Dad will be home. Titanic: Directors Cut!? They'll be there all night!

Duplicate Timmys: Hike, hike, hike, hike, hike, hike, hike, hike, hike, hike!
A little runt duplicate Timmy at the back: Hike, hike, hike, hike, hike, hike, hike!

Wanda: Thanks, Mr. Contagious! Now I have it!

"Mom told you to do the dishes!" ~Timmy's first line ever

OK, I was wrong. Timmy's first line is actually...
Mmph... oxygen... darkness...

Clown: No mom, I don't need college. I'm going to fulfill my dream and become a clown.

Vicky: Ribbit!! Ribbit!!

Kids: Cool Trick!!

Clown: Show off.

Cosmo: The first time the baby ever sat on the sitter.
Vicky: Help!
Cosmo: Sorry, the secret word was pie.*Throws a pie*

Cosmo&Wanda: Hey, Timmy!
Wanda: I'm Wanda!
Cosmo: And I'm Cosmo!
Cosmo&Wanda: And we're... your Fairy Godparents!
Cosmo: What do you think, Timmy?!
Timmy:......... I think I'm gonna call the cops.

(Timmy's Dad) "Today's the day of the big... Plunger Festival!"
(Timmy) "Mom, Dad; If it's all the same to you I'd rather stay here and retain my dignity..."
(Timmy's Dad) "Hmm.. Dignity; I have no idea what that means. Oh well; you'll still need a babysitter!"

Timmy: Tootie, I need saucercraut NOW!!!!!
Tootie(after giving Timmy the saucercraut): Why are you stuffing your balloons with saucercraut?
Timmy: Uh......they're rare German balloons. Now stuff, stuff like the wind!!!

Vicky: (Talking to kids at the party) Now am only gonna say this once. (Cosmo sneezes and she turns into a frog) Rabbit Rabbit Rabbit Rabbit (sees fly and catches it with her tounge) Rabbit Rabbit Rabbit (Changes back) Got it?!
Kids: (stands there for a mintue then...) Yaayyyyy!
Vicky: Sub humans
Clown: Show off.

Wanda as a Baby: Goo goo!
Cosmo: Thats the first time the baby ever sat on the sitter!
Vicky: Help!
Cosmo: Sorry! The secret word was pie!

Vicky: I crave entertainment.(She puts a jesters hat on Timmy's head.)
Timmy: Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, I'm out of here!

Timmy: (after Vicky screams in his face) HALITOSIS!!!! [/color]

Happy Holidays!

Simpsons; as homer is falling asleep just before heart surgery he hears dr.nick:what the hell is that?!

kim possible ron:hurry kim we have to catch them!
kim:theyre in a chopper
ron:not them bueno nacho i got the munchies
rufus:yeah im hungry

as a giant rock gorrilla crashes into a room ron screams:giant monkey!!ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! later that is sick and wrong am i the only one that sees the giant monkey!

From the 1980s G.I.Joe said by the Cobra Commander:MORONS! I HAVE MORONS ON MY PAYROLL!!!!!

And one from Hyde of That 70s show: You know how you said you have a habit of screwing things up? WELL THIS IS YOU’RE BAY OF PIGS MAN!!!

And to finish up, A line that describes me well: There's a thin line between genius and madness, and I have pissed all over that line...

From The Simpsons:

Homer: That's a scam! Possibly a scamola!

"Don't just do something, sit there!" - not sure.....I think Whacko (from Animaniacs) said it..

Initial D
(after Takumi defeats Shingo and his Civic)

Bunta: So what're those? You must've hit the car somewhere. There are three scratches that look like the kind made by touching the guardrail.

Takumi: I don't remember anything. (while yawning and streching) I must've been you.

Bunta: I didn't drive it yesterday so it was you! (Points at car) Look at those scratches on the bumper and fender!

Takumi: (looks at damage in awe) It's true. How terrible. Who did that?

Bunta: (smashes his fist against Takumi's head) You did!

A couple from The Simpsons.

Marge: Homer, maybe you can take some consolation in the fact that something you created is making so many people happy.

Homer: Ooh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the magical man from Happyland in a gumdrop house on Lollipop lane.........................Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic.

Marge: Well, duh.

***

Roger Meyers jr: You folks ready to begin?

Homer: Uh, I guess. Is this episode going on the air live?

June Bellamy: No, Homer. Very few cartoons are broadcast live. It's a terrible strain on the animators' wrists.